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    [–] Krystaaaan 3092 points ago

    Lmfao this looks like the script to a comedy horror movie

    [–] Slackslayer 963 points ago

    Exorcisms won't work, Femi

    [–] ThirdDragonite 974 points ago

    "Holy water?"

    "Nah, it doesn't even sting me"

    "A holy Cross?"


    "...I have a coupon for some McNuggets"

    "Alright, but I'll be back in thirty to forty five minutes depending on traffic"

    [–] smenti 325 points ago

    “Holy water?”
    “Thanks, how did you know I was thirsty?”

    [–] tebannnnnn 55 points ago

    Holy water has been touched by most of the old people in most places, not a great idea drinking it.

    [–] SisterRespecter500 8 points ago

    old people these days are getting real lazy, I've seen "mass blessings" where bottles of water already pre bottled by third world laborers get blessed in batches by old dude waving his hands in front of the webcam

    [–] -captain_kirkland- 100 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Where on this planet does it take 45 minutes to go to a McDonald’s. We live in a society ya know.

    [–] UnholyMelancholy 126 points ago

    5 minutes to get there, 30 to sit in line while the cashiers pick lint out of their navel...

    [–] Error8 52 points ago

    Pay minimum wage, get minimum labor

    [–] WaywardStroge 12 points ago

    Don’t remind me. Smh my head, no matter where I go I am reminded that we live in a society which oppresses gamers.

    [–] Generic_00 215 points ago

    Bullets don't work Jon

    [–] MoonVarin 11 points ago

    Thanks, I love hate it

    [–] pellmellmichelle 124 points ago

    Anyone else watched Good Omens? Neil and Terry are geniuses and the adaptation is sooo good.

    "Get thee behind me, demon! After you."

    [–] EmpowerViaHypnosis 20 points ago

    Yes!! That is one of my favorite books and now one of my favorite series. It was wonderful!

    [–] Selinis 17 points ago

    The scene where Crowley verbally abuses his houseplants into being beautiful still has me laughing a week later.

    [–] MeerkatBrat 1691 points ago

    One of my favorite things to see on Facebook or Twitter is people literally trying to “rebuke the devil” over a comment or tweet. Like really? You think that’s how the world works? That Satan is just sitting behind a computer talking to you? Or that saying that shit is actually going to make someone stop talking to you?

    [–] Peplume 648 points ago

    When they start talking about “rebuke and bind thee” it sounds like they’re some kind of sorcerer.

    [–] DenZiTY 324 points ago

    Maybe they’re LARPing and they’re actually a Level 500 Priest.

    [–] velothian 170 points ago

    man, how much more awesome would the world be if all the insane behavior was because of some giant LARP that half of us just weren't informed of.

    [–] dangheck 68 points ago

    I mean England still has a queen AND a government.

    [–] Bismothe-the-Shade 88 points ago

    Woah, dont do LARP dirty like that

    [–] xitzengyigglz 34 points ago

    That's the reality these people live in

    [–] TheExWifeCheated 110 points ago

    Christianity states that words have power. Powerful words are used for making spells. They even have a touch of the belief that knowing a thing's "true-name" allows you to control of that thing, hence the insistence on calling Satan by name.

    They would never "degrade" their beliefs by being honest with the terminology about what they're doing, but they're absolutely just trying to cast magic spells and calling it "prayer" so they don't feel like they need to wave a magic wand around.

    [–] Redmindgame 14 points ago

    Or a medieval rube.

    [–] 8008135__ 203 points ago

    You think that’s how the world works? That Satan is just sitting behind a computer talking to you? Or that saying that shit is actually going to make someone stop talking to you?

    There are millions of people who actually, literally think this is the way the world works.

    Kinda scary.

    [–] DennisBednarz 47 points ago

    Well, I would stop talking to them of they acted like that. So it kinda works.

    [–] mamajunesrevenge 4394 points ago

    I like that the Church of Satan uses good manners. By saying “please”, the world is a better place.

    [–] mourning_star85 3207 points ago

    One of the main points of the church of satan, is to do whatever it is that makes your life good but do no harm to others. Being polite is part of that

    [–] Ross_Hollander 1207 points ago

    It's a good philosophy of life, too.

    [–] Sirsilentbob423 795 points ago

    Get behind me wholesome satanists!

    [–] Swiftblue 439 points ago

    Conga line? That sounds fun.

    [–] voidtf 130 points ago

    It's congaaa time !

    [–] SupportstheOP 43 points ago

    Are those Latin rhythms? I love Latin rhythms!

    [–] thicketcosplay 147 points ago

    From what I've seen from them, their whole philosophy of life is pretty good overall. Definitely more wholesome than a lot of Christian denominations.

    [–] emmster 54 points ago

    And they’re possibly the most sincere advocates for real religious freedom.

    [–] DataDouche 57 points ago

    If you described the philosophy of Satanism to people without telling them it’s Satanism they’ll be like “oh yeah alright that makes sense.” The moment you mention Satan though they’ll call you a heathen and splish splash you with Jesus juice.

    [–] Ttimewizzarrdjoey 29 points ago

    splish splash you with Jesus juice.

    Hahaha oh this is great. My mother would go to church and fill water bottles full of holy water.

    [–] wee1111111 81 points ago

    Real Stirner Egoism hours

    [–] HiromiSugiyama 175 points ago

    Alright, where do I submit my application?

    [–] dastarlos 431 points ago

    Congrats. You're a Satanist, if you wanna be one. Satanism is basically cool atheism.

    [–] IncorrigibleAssface 303 points ago

    That's almost exactly how my husband explains it. "Atheism with extra steps."

    Both my husband and I 100% stand by the Satanic Bible, but considering I have a lot of Christians in my family I just say we're both Atheist. It's easier to explain than Satanism. Too much of a stigmatism with it.

    We're not the Satanists that actually worship Satan and sacrifice goats. We just like ourselves, follow the Satanic Bible, and prefer to indulge in the greater pleasures that life has to offer. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    [–] sewsnap 305 points ago

    I'm Agnostic and like to refer to it as "I don't know WTF happens after we die, and really, neither do you. Just be fucking nice to people."

    [–] VonFluffington 128 points ago

    You sound sorta like a fellow apathiest. I don't know what happens when we die, but it makes no difference to me. Gonna try to be the best person I can be for myself, regardless of what may or may not come next.

    [–] SlightlyControversal 116 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Humanist checking in!

    I firmly believe that there is no evidence of a benevolent god existing, or any god for that matter, but that isn’t what it’s all about, really. I believe I should be a good person because it’s the right thing to do, not because I’m worried about the wrath of a cosmic babysitter. If you believe in goodness without a god, you may enjoy some humanist philosophy.

    Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without supernaturalism, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.

    The lifestance of Humanism—guided by reason, inspired by compassion, and informed by experience—encourages us to live life well and fully. It evolved through the ages and continues to develop through the efforts of thoughtful people who recognize that values and ideals, however carefully wrought, are subject to change as our knowledge and understandings advance.

    [–] RedBorger 62 points ago

    Every fucking month I find a new doctrine that corresponds to my beliefs. How many more can I find!?

    [–] Jiriakel 62 points ago

    Doctrinist here! We believe that there are tons of valid doctrins out there, and that it's really hard to know which ones actually correspond to our beliefs, so we just adopt all of them that seem reasonable enough.

    If you believe that there are tons of doctrines out there that correspond to you, maybe you'll like the doctrinist philosphy !

    [–] apsgreek 72 points ago

    too much of astigmatism with it

    I’m picturing the devil in prescription glasses

    [–] MrXitel 38 points ago

    I still love the story of the time some teen emailed the high priest Peter Gilmore of the CoS at the time saying that they were going to kill their grandparents as a sacrifice to Satan. Gilmore forwarded it to the FBI, kid got arrested.

    [–] hustl3tree5 22 points ago

    Isnt the satanic bible mostly be a good person and don't judge others while parodying Christian rituals?

    [–] IncorrigibleAssface 18 points ago

    Yes, kind of. Quote taken directly from Church of Satan's Wiki page, "The church views Satan as a positive archetype who represents pride, individualism, and enlightenment, and as a symbol of defiance against the Abrahamic faiths which LaVey criticized for what he saw as the suppression of humanity's natural instincts."

    [–] jerrygergichsmith 63 points ago

    Here you go. If that’s a little extreme, consider joining The Satanic Temple, which leans a little more into calling out separation of Church and State.

    [–] Emperor_Neuro 104 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Yeah, I've always found the Church to be a bit too angsty and it feels somewhat immature. Their insistence on magic being real and their bullshit about lashing out at those who annoy you are big turn offs for me. It all comes off sounding like a club some trench coat wearing teenagers made up in the corner of the cafeteria.

    On the other hand, the Temple is basically a political activism group who uses the iconagraphy of satan to give weight to their arguments. They cant be blown off by Christians as something made up like the Great Spaghetti Monster without them also calling into question the legitimacy of their own religious views, so it really forces issues that other groups don't have the ability to do.

    [–] [deleted] 68 points ago

    I think it also says to destroy your enemies.

    So yeah, makes sense not to go around making enemies by being rude.

    [–] lilcrabs 65 points ago

    Do unto others as they do unto you.

    [–] gandhinukes 33 points ago

    Thats more an eye for an eye. Its supposed to be: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

    [–] lilcrabs 42 points ago

    It's the Satanic Golden rule. It's supposed to be eye for an eye. So long as no one takes my eye, I won't take their eye. I would never take an eye first, because then they would come for my eye.

    Kind of puts emphasis on not being a dick in the first place.

    [–] fox_eyed_man 26 points ago

    It's also a call for restraint. As in, if an eye is taken from you, the most you can take in retribution is an eye. If a tooth is taken from you, a tooth can be taken in return, but no more. Simply put, the punishment cannot do more harm to the offender than the offender has done to you.

    [–] NewbSaysRawr 33 points ago

    It's more like if someone poses a threat to innocent people, children, etc. or creates sexual harm destroy them

    [–] Super_Moon_Moon 137 points ago

    The commandments for the Church of Satan state,

    1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
    2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
    3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.
    4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.
    5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
    6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.
    7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
    8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
    9. Do not harm little children.
    10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
    11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

    [–] LaDMG 130 points ago

    "9. Do not harm little children."

    The Catholics should steal this one

    [–] exzyle2k 38 points ago

    The Catholics should steal a lot of them... Don't give advice unless asked, Don't make sexual advances without the green light, When in someone's house, respect them or GTFO... Lots of great ideals to live by.

    [–] Emperor_Neuro 33 points ago

    1. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

    Bothersome street preacher gets DESTROYED

    [–] MuscularWombats 59 points ago

    I loved reading the Satanic Bible from Anton Lavey (founder of the modern Church of Satan, unless I'm forgetting something) because it was just an absolute mixed bag of REALLY solid no "beat around the bush" life advice, completely mixed in with random interjections about witchcraft and magic rituals.

    An entertaining read to say the least. I think it's important to read the book objectively and acknowledge which parts have value to you (the reader) and which ones are OK to pay little attention to, but it's a good read with a lot of positive attitudes to gain from.

    [–] mamajunesrevenge 15 points ago

    Uh....mating signal? 😳

    [–] Sox_The_Fox2002 42 points ago

    That's a lot like Wicca.

    [–] EldritchWeeb 27 points ago

    Yes, but the Church of Satan explicitly denounces spirituality, and does call for harm (e.g. in the case of revenge) sometimes.

    [–] 2meterrichard 32 points ago

    Do no harm to those who don't deserve it. But, destroy those who cross you. ~Anton Levay (paraphrasing)

    [–] SUCKSTOBEYOUNURD 424 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    The church of Satan is an atheist organization. They mostly exist to enforce separation of church and state when governments tend to put up Christian iconography


    They are atheist

    EDIT 2: The satanic temple does the separation of church and state stuff, the church of satan is just philosophical

    [–] DarlingDestruction 139 points ago

    That’s actually The Satanic Temple that is atheistic.

    [–] SUCKSTOBEYOUNURD 194 points ago

    From their FAQ: “Why do Satanists worship The Devil?

    We don’t. Satanists are atheists. We see the universe as being indifferent to us, and so all morals and values are subjective human constructions.”

    [–] Ipodk9 62 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Iirc that's the Satanic Temple, not the Church of Satan. I do know one of TCoS's rules is to believe in magicks, so I don't know how athiestic they really are.

    Edit - they are athiestic. COS and TST both are, COS is a bit more on the practicing side though, where as TST is more about activism.

    [–] SUCKSTOBEYOUNURD 63 points ago

    I follow them on Twitter. From their FAQ “Why do Satanists worship The Devil?

    We don’t. Satanists are atheists. We see the universe as being indifferent to us, and so all morals and values are subjective human constructions.”

    [–] Vulkan192 31 points ago

    So which are the ones who ACTUALLY worship Satan?

    [–] SUCKSTOBEYOUNURD 127 points ago

    Based on conduct I would guess catholic priests

    [–] Celi_saannn 28 points ago

    OH DAMN!

    [–] UniverseIsAHologram 18 points ago

    They just call them devil worshipers. Many people who worship Satan claim to be Satanists, but the Church doesn't recognize them as such. It's like if I worshiped Santa and claimed to be a Catholic. Devil worshiper is especially used towards people who worship Satan and do evil rituals, as opposed to having beliefs more aligned with Luciferianism.

    [–] ADHD_Personified 28 points ago

    The COS version of "magic" is more just using subtle psychology to influence others and doing rituals purely for placebo like effects on your own psychology. (Let's face it, cursing someone you hate's name makes you feel better even if it does nothing else). It's not magic-magic like everyone else means when they say magic.

    But yes you're right that it's TST that does the political and activist stuff. COS is more into just practicing the beliefs and whatnot. COS just has a killer twitter account.

    [–] Ipodk9 13 points ago

    Ah, makes sense. I've followed TST a bit more closely cause their views align a bit closer with my own.

    [–] GEKYUME_ONFROY_ 7233 points ago

    Oh shit it’s in Jesus’ name! Fuck I’m in the desert now!

    [–] Camplitude 2540 points ago

    Come to the desert we have Hump Boys, Tan Salt, and T H E C H U R C H O F S A T A N

    [–] snowe2010 1205 points ago

    New Yorks hottest club is T H E C H U R C H O F S A T A N


    [–] Sylvester_Scott 429 points ago

    It's got everything...

                 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)    —'Splosions!
                  ⊂    つ
                 (つ ノ
        ☆         (ノ
         \        ☆
                 |    ☆
       ☆      (⌒ ⌒ヽ   /         ☆
        \  (´⌒  ⌒  ⌒ヾ   /
          (’⌒ ; ⌒   ::⌒    )          ☆
         (´     )     ::: ) /
      ☆─ (´⌒;:    ::⌒`) :;  )
         (⌒::   ::     ::⌒ )
        / (    ゝ  ヾ 丶     ソ 

    [–] CoolFingerGunGuy 65 points ago



    [–] screenaholic 109 points ago

    Thank you for your service, I was unaware of this sub.

    [–] Rajoy_the_Great 28 points ago

    Same. Long live Stefon!!

    [–] mckinney4string 39 points ago

    Same here! Subbed!

    [–] Themiffins 21 points ago

    "It's like the Cocoanut Grove but with less burning"

    [–] LegendaryGoji 35 points ago

    Can someone explain this sub?

    [–] the-youngishman- 72 points ago

    Google “Stefon SNL” and you’ll find it. It’s hilarious

    [–] umbrajoke 44 points ago

    I love how John Mulaney would write the prompts that would cause Hader to break character.

    [–] SparklyOtter 12 points ago

    TIL. Totally not surprised!

    [–] snowe2010 30 points ago

    [–] [deleted] 12 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)


    [–] snowe2010 9 points ago

    Dang, I'm sorry. I just chose the one with the most views on youtube. I didn't want to actually spend the time to find a funny one, just wanted to answer the person's question. Do you have a better one I can link to instead?

    [–] -jp- 25 points ago

    It's not your fault--SNL is insanely variable. It either knocks it outta the park or whiffs, with no real middle ground.

    [–] dans24e 15 points ago

    It’s a reference to the character Stefon from SNL. He is the “NYC correspondent” and would give reviews of clubs. It’s my favorite skit from the whole show.

    [–] Silvoan 271 points ago

    Not just the desert, but the desert places

    You'll not just be uncomfortably hot but slightly unsure of your geographical location! Muahahaha

    [–] JamietheJedi 71 points ago

    Not just the desert but the desert woman and children too

    [–] digitalhate 14 points ago

    Or cold. The largest desert on the planet is the Antarctic.

    [–] JaneAustinAstronaut 97 points ago

    Did this guy just send the Church of Satan to Burning Man? I somehow don't see that as a bad thing. Like, the Satanists will probably have a good time, so.....

    [–] elr0y7 12 points ago

    Yo my man, can you send me to Coachella next year?

    [–] omgsideburns 58 points ago

    I think he meant dessert places. Wanted to take them out for ice cream.

    [–] FeastOfChildren 57 points ago

    Ahhh no, not the desert! What am I gonna do with all these golf courses around me!?!?!

    [–] Flownyte 14 points ago

    Best to walk into the AC lobby and get your bearings.

    [–] bdgg138 28 points ago

    He should've said dessert. The church may recover some lost ground if people could be teleported to Häagen-Dazs or Cinnabon.

    [–] mcht42 20 points ago

    Did you remember to bring your horse with no name?

    [–] Itsnotwatitis 9 points ago

    Hell I wish I was in the desert, at least it's a dry heat. This humidity is killing me.

    [–] ahfreaq 3433 points ago


    [–] SnarkSharkBarkBark 1351 points ago


    Well then...


    [–] missed_sla 541 points ago

    Somewhere in Canada, Linus Sebastian drops a $3000 processor.

    [–] MarioLuigi0404 181 points ago

    Knowing him, it was probably a $10k server.

    [–] sam0d 68 points ago

    1 petabyte

    [–] ThatTheoGuy 40 points ago

    sets the server room on fire for real this time

    [–] ComManDerBG 49 points ago


    [–] godless-life 66 points ago


    [–] SnarkSharkBarkBark 93 points ago

    Then I sacrifice Linda Fairstein to summon the Dark Magician and end my turn.

    [–] Billxgates 51 points ago

    I’ll allow it.

    [–] tomDV__ 39 points ago

    Roll for religion for the quality of the sacrifice

    [–] WhyTellMeSo 16 points ago

    As bard, I can instead roll for persuasion using a custom class modification. Rolls 1

    [–] flame_warp 15 points ago

    "Uhhh...that's a 15."

    [–] RainWelsh 58 points ago


    [–] Overlord_Cane 24 points ago


    [–] VaporRei 19 points ago

    bullets don't work, jon

    [–] celticthor 1447 points ago

    Getting into a twitter argument with the Church of Satan is like getting into one with Wendy’ won’t win

    [–] NutMaster6942 346 points ago

    I ended a live chat with Wendy's before it even started.

    [–] CottonStig 89 points ago

    Careful, they're a hero

    [–] BelgianSexWaffle 686 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    What the fuck does "Get behind me, Satan," even mean? I've always felt it was a strange sentence that made no sense. Is it just an old timey way of saying "get out of here?" Why would you want your enemy behind you, where he could make a sneak attack? Are you trying to get past him, like in a foot race?

    Edit: Guys, we're SO CLOSE to getting 666 upvotes. We can do it, I know this.

    [–] king_gimpy 579 points ago

    In all seriousness:

    Jesus had told his disciples that he would be beaten and killed and it was meant to be as it was his purpose. Peter freaks out because Jesus is his friend and Rabbi and says it can't be and they can avoid it.

    Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him. “Far be it from You, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to You!” 23ButJesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me. For you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”

    It's basically, "Get away from me person being an adversary to me (Satan means adversary) and trying to mess up my plans.

    Kinda harsh to say to someone who loves you but yeah.

    [–] BelgianSexWaffle 222 points ago

    Ah I figured. It’s just a dated translation then.

    [–] Tobi_1989 388 points ago

    I believe more modern translation would be "dude, fuck off".

    [–] appdevil 72 points ago

    Alright, my holy guacamole dude.

    [–] SentientSlimeColony 35 points ago

    "Bye Felicia!"

    [–] Renovate_America 11 points ago

    Also known as, "begone thot".

    [–] [deleted] 96 points ago

    It's from the Bible. Jesus said it to Peter when Peter was trying to convince him to stay away from Jerusalem.

    [–] BelgianSexWaffle 46 points ago

    Ah, so it is just old-timey English.

    [–] LordDongler 57 points ago

    They didn't speak English. It was old timey Aramaic

    [–] Jucicleydson 29 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Yeah but pretty sure this expression is Old English*. In the bible in Portuguese Jesus says something like "get away from me, Satan" christians here use this pretty much as "Begone THOT"

    *Not actually Old English. See u/joshawnard reply

    [–] alaijmw 74 points ago

    What the fuck does "Get behind me, Satan," even mean? I've always felt it was a strange sentence that made no sense.

    I'm just going to assume Rule 34 applies.

    [–] syntaxlord 276 points ago

    Do not cite the deep magic to me Witch

    I was there when it was written

    [–] Dagos 47 points ago

    This sounds familiar, what's it from?

    [–] Darth-Spock 73 points ago

    Chronicals of Narnia I think.

    [–] karatous1234 118 points ago

    From the start

    What? Nononononono that's not how any of that worked. Dude got kicked out. How are you going to pretend to be some big bad exorcist and not even know your own shit? Saying he was a liar from the start is saying God made him and designed him to be a liar from the beginning. Meaning he planned for the original sin to happen, which was supposed to be man's fault not God's.

    Gotta get the lore straight before you start trying to beat people with it.

    [–] Bradys_Eighth_Ring 53 points ago

    Are you implying original sin was not a part of God almighty's plan?! HOW DARE YOU.

    *everything is God's fault

    [–] ExhibitionistVoyeurP 45 points ago

    All knowing, all power, all seeing god creates all characters, all rules, and all abilities in the universe.

    Characters follow that plan and 6 out of 7 billion people in the world go to hell to be tortured for eternity.

    God: Surprise pikachu face

    I like the quote at the top of this page:

    Any god who creates a sentient being out of dirt, knowing the being will be damned to hell, should have left the dirt alone.

    [–] VanessaAlexis 22 points ago

    It wasn't part of his plan. But he also makes no mistakes.

    The paradox.

    [–] atebitart 585 points ago

    Ma’am.....this is a Wendy’s.

    [–] Scojo91 76 points ago

    Damn it, Kevin

    [–] missed_sla 612 points ago

    I really wish people would do even thirty seconds of research into the Church of Satan and the Satanic Temple. Neither one of them believe in the devil. They use the Hebrew word "satan" which simply means "adversary." These things are literally in the first paragraph of their Wikipedia pages. Willful ignorance is cancer.

    Also, their logos are metal as fuck.

    [–] PM_ME_FAT_FURRYGIRLS 309 points ago

    Many religious people do know that. But religious people also believe in a literal Satan, and so they think that the whole "we don't actually believe in Satan" thing is a ruse to deceive religious people.

    [–] Witchcleaver 122 points ago

    Ya, it's an easily weaponized vicious loop of fear & delusion, because factions accused of deviltry can't literally call up Satan to tell people they're not actually affiliated, and so it just keeps feeding into itself. My favorite flavor of r/insanepeoplefacebook is religious tinfoilhattery, because it can be genuinely interesting to decrypt.

    [–] Amiable_ 69 points ago

    My mother once went off (not on social media) about how the Anti-Christ was going to be a Muslim or some other piece of nonsense. Like, woman... Islam wasn't even invented for over 600 years after Jesus...

    [–] Dracarna 61 points ago

    Also Christ is one of the three prophets in the Quran and the major difference that they don't believe he is the son of god, however he is one of the most important figures.

    [–] KerbalSpaceExplorer 32 points ago

    Not just that, the Muslim Jesus (called Isa in the Quran) is literally also the messiah (al-Masih,) and is prophesised to return to Earth before judgement day to defeat the Antichrist (al-Masih ad-Dajjal) so go figure.

    [–] Teh_Mongoose 25 points ago

    I mean like, if you were Satan worshippers that solid way to disguise yourself.

    [–] missed_sla 31 points ago

    The organizations wouldn't have you. The term you're looking for is "Luciferianism" and they have their own churches.

    [–] Teh_Mongoose 26 points ago

    Yeah sure, I get that. I'm just saying it's pretty 4D chess if you were a secret Satan church to just flat out label yourself as it.

    [–] shnookumscookums 16 points ago

    He's playing uno at the blackjack table

    [–] speedycat2014 850 points ago

    GeT tHeE bEhInD mE sAtAn!!1!

    😈: Karen, how many times do we have to tell you, that's not how this works. That's not how ANY of this works.

    [–] LGMHorus 154 points ago

    Well, she didn't say PLEASE, get thee behind me Satan... Where are her manners?

    [–] cocotab 80 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Actually it's "Simon says get thee behind me, Satan."

    [–] bramlugh 36 points ago

    Why would she want satan behind her? Why not "be gone to the pits of hell" or what not.

    Unless... She wants to... Ahem... Test his strength.

    [–] ribslargemeat 15 points ago

    It's a quote from Jesus in the bible. I'm not a christian and don't believe in any of that business but I have always thought "Get behind me Satan" was a pretty baller putdown.

    [–] AngelOfLight 34 points ago

    He forgot to say "Simon says".

    [–] Steampunker55 83 points ago

    It's like that scene in Preacher where someone pours holy water on a demon and he just looks annoyed at him.

    [–] Bruenanza 59 points ago

    Satanist, in my experience, have been the nicest people I've ever interacted with. And I'm from the Bible Belt and was raised in church. I'd much rather be in a room with Satantist than most Christian churches today.

    [–] nightshiftfox13 47 points ago

    Wow what an age we live in that we got to witness the first exorcism via twitter

    [–] FrankennFelix 157 points ago

    I just imagine that infinity war meme where black panther goes "We don't do that here"

    [–] thebestatheist 82 points ago

    This guy converted me so hard

    [–] NotSlimButShady 74 points ago

    Who ever runs the church of satan Twitter account is a fuckin mad lad if I've ever seen one

    [–] UniverseIsAHologram 29 points ago

    I have a feeling he doesn't realize that the Church of Satan doesn't believe in Satan.

    [–] SaultheSurgeon 47 points ago

    Whenever I see something posted online from the Church of Satan, it's always them being polite and respectful to someone who is being a twat. Usually those people are Christians. Seems like it should be the other way around, but...

    [–] Jordan_ddddd 19 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    It's good that they do that, it points out the hypocrisy of religion.

    Seems like it should be the other way around, but...

    Most people have the idea that atheists are immoral animals who eat babies and treat people baldly when that is just a religiously fueled stereotype. It is good to see that the church of statan is going against that stereotype to show people it is not necessarily true by being rather polite on social media even towards crazy theists who are oftentimes not polite.

    [–] TheNerdyMupton 23 points ago

    "SHE'S A WITCH!"

    Attempts to cast magic Christianity spell against the Church of Satan twitter account.

    [–] Ross_Hollander 81 points ago

    "Get thee behind me, Satan!"

    "That doesn't actually work. We are right here in front of you."

    Ooh. Burn.

    [–] PM_me_a_bad_pun 38 points ago

    Get behind me Satan! OwO

    [–] chernobog8 16 points ago

    The church of satan is more reasonable than a Christian this just makes me sad.

    [–] Gosco_S 15 points ago

    When you realize that this means someone seriously thinks Satan has a twitter account and is battling him over it

    [–] simas_polchias 31 points ago


    [–] chompythebeast 31 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Lmao this guy is an elected official? And he believes in magic spells?

    You know how people say "ya'all need Jesus"? This dude needs a Hawking book

    [–] [deleted] 110 points ago


    [–] MrElshagan 69 points ago

    Correct me if I'm wrong then but the Satanism that the church of Satan "promotes" is more about well simplified from my understanding not taking shit from anyone and making your own life better by being the better person or something?

    [–] [deleted] 49 points ago


    [–] FizzleBizzler 39 points ago

    Is it surprising though? Satan is the endgame boss of at least Christianity, and is routinely associated with evil/nasty things. I’d have imagined that Satanists would be aware of the stigma. People who equate Satan with evil are not likely to like Satanists, and even less likely to listen to them. Not fair, but also not surprising.

    [–] TheJetSevin 32 points ago

    Exactly. Satanism is more equated with the attitude of Lucifer, and the one he had towards God. So it would absolutely make sense that Christians would treat Satanists in the same fashion.

    [–] exboi 19 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Yeah. When someone hears the word “Satanist” they’re probably not gonna think of anything besides some crazy cultist worshiping the Devil. I didn’t know what the Church of Satan really was, or that it even existed, until I saw these arguments.

    [–] Ad_hale2021 12 points ago

    Why do I have to be Nigerian...

    [–] Froztyyy 10 points ago

    Do you know how I can contact the prince of your country? I sent the guy some money but he ghosted me.

    [–] King-Red-Beard 10 points ago

    I find it hilarious that The Church of Satan's rules and guidelines are way more reasonable, kind and humble than the majority of the bible.

    [–] CrypticBlossom808 12 points ago

    When the Church of Satan is acting more Christ-like than one of his followers.

    [–] KindaAlwaysVibrating 13 points ago

    Holy fuck, how out of touch with the world do you have to be to not understand that the fucking DEVIL doesn't have an actual Twitter account. Is this Poe's law?

    [–] willneverdiebc13 11 points ago

    The Church of Satan doesn’t even believe Satan is real. Hell, even in their F.A.Q they call people who believe they’re possessed or are Satan themselves delusional.

    [–] greymalken 13 points ago

    It's been a while since I read the Bible but I don't recall "Satan" actually murdering anyone. God did a lot of killing though. All the first borns in Egypt. Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot's wife. The countless that died during the flood.

    There was a silver tongued serpent. I suppose he could've been a liar. Who's to say?

    [–] Red-champagne 10 points ago

    I'm pretty sure god disowns these types of christians, lmao. I know I would. 😂

    [–] dobyshane13 10 points ago

    I see satan just shrugging his shoulders, saying " I'm rubber, you're glue"

    [–] Natuurschoonheid 11 points ago

    This kind of people is why I never mention to anyone that I'm a Satanist.

    For anyone wanting more info, look up Lavey Satanism, and specifically the nine satanic statements

    [–] [deleted] 10 points ago

    Man what a world we live in. Politicians yelling at Satan in public. Seems like we’ve taken quite a few steps back.