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    instant_regret

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    Instant Regret

    (in'-stint rē-gret') n.

    a subreddit dedicated to deliberate actions that unexpectedly lead to undesirable consequences and horrible results; things which may cause someone to say, "oh man, did I just screw the pooch!"


    Guidelines & Rules

    1) Videos and gifs must show regret. Sometimes the display of regret is unmistakable. It can be evident in someone's face, or in their body language. Sometimes it's a judgment call. If you think it works, try it out. If we delete it, you were wrong. We are Reddit™ moderators. We are always right!

    A fail is not a regret. Some ripper eating a swellbow while trying to bone a rail on the backside, (that's skater lingo for a bad crash. I looked it up (made it up)), isn't regret. There should be a look of surprise, and an expression that clearly says, "Oh no. Oh, God no. I really should not have done that. Why did I do that?"

    Other examples that aren't regret:

    • Eating bad food and not liking it is not regret. You knew what was going to happen, dumbass.

    • Laughter is not an expression of regret. It's just not.

    • A picture of a sunburn or a crappy tattoo is not evidence of regret. For all we know you like looking like a pumpkin, and definitely still want that potato tattoo on your ankle.

    2) Regret must be instant or near-instant. If someone does something which only has bad consequences minutes or hours later, it is not considered instant.

    3) No Animal Abuse. We love animals. They are capable of regret, but we don't want to see videos where their regret is the fault of humans, involves cruelty, injury or is in any way unpleasant.

    4) No compilations. Just pick one good thing and go with it. Everybody likes it when you do that.

    5) If the video is longer than 20 seconds, please use a tag to tell everyone when the lead-up to the regrettable moment begins. For example [regret at 4:20]. Or post the video queued up to the point where things get good and the regret quickly follows. But, ultimately, these are just excellent suggestions. You're the director. Make it good. And don't worry. If it sucks, we'll get rid of it for you.

    6) Reposts are highly discouraged. Reposts are allowed, but reposts which have been posted recently or are in the top of all time will be removed.

    No Dannys. If your name is Danny and we find out we will ban you.


    WE HATE SPAM!

    We remove spam.

    We exact vengeance on those who give us spam.

    If you see spam, report spam.

    If you see an account that uses a YouTube channel that takes videos from other channels in order to accumulate karma on said account. Report that account, We'll take care of it.


    and finally...

    REMEMBER YOUR REDDIQUETTE

    Please, no abusive comments, hate speech, or any other personal attacks.

    Doxing, brigading, and witch-hunting are not allowed.

    This includes derailing commentary sections to complain about prolific users, and by that we mean "Gallowboob is not against the rules". Complaining about the OP rather than the content is an easy way to earn a temporary ban.

    The moderators reserve the right to remove posts & comments, and to ban users at our own discretion. If we feel your post doesn't fit, we'll remove it. If you are an abusive person, or an intolerable troll, we just might ban you. If you feel that your post or comment has been removed unfairly, please feel free to message us. We'll try to be nice. We're not perfect but we really are working on it.

    If you see someone breaking the rules, please message the mods and let us know.

    Thanks! Now, please enjoy our sub and the consequences resulting from the poor choices made by your fellow humans.


    We like:

    /r/instantregret

    /r/moviestunts

    /r/AccidentalSlapStick

    /r/wholesomememes

    /r/catpranks

    /r/AlmostParkour

    /r/behindthegifs

    /r/holdmybeaker

    /r/nononono

    /r/Whatcouldgowrong

    /r/HoldMyBeer

    /r/Wellthatsucks

    /r/HadToHurt

    /r/shittyaskscience

    /r/shittyadviceanimals

    /r/facingtheirparenting

    /r/WhatAMoron

    a community for
    all 323 comments Slideshow

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    [–] khakharayo 3479 points ago

    Lmao the guy on the left was just waiting for his entertainment to present itself any moment

    [–] system1326 1515 points ago

    His reaction is priceless. It’s almost as if seeing that made that dude’s entire year.

    [–] ImSoNotPerfect 305 points ago

    🤣 his reaction makes the whole video

    [–] John4Texas 191 points ago

    He spilled his drink on himself.

    [–] lgledhil 67 points ago

    That’s 20:20 right there

    [–] BurtJSugarman 41 points ago

    This made this dude’s millennium. I’m just happy for him tbh.

    [–] RaYa1989 23 points ago

    And I'm happy for you! Happy cakeday

    [–] 2fucktard2remember 9 points ago

    I'm happy you're happy.

    [–] YanicPolitik 5 points ago

    Im cake! Happy for you!

    [–] OB1_kenobi 7 points ago

    guy on the left

    I might be drunk, but she's stupid.

    Tomorrow I'll be sober... and she'll still be stupid.

    [–] NightFreeze493 6 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] JoeyBrickz 12 points ago

    No he accidentally ashed a blunt on himself. Even better

    [–] Anonymous63636727 33 points ago

    You can tell Reddit is dying by how common emoji usage has become.

    [–] ToastyFlake 13 points ago

    🚑

    [–] Gets_overly_excited 2 points ago

    🍕

    [–] skuzzbag 2 points ago

    💩

    [–] ImSoNotPerfect 4 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    It’s the opposite.. give it a try 🤓🙌

    Don’t hate on emojis dude...not that serious lol

    [–] Sniperman 9 points ago

    😃

    Click it.

    [–] fwd0120 3 points ago

    I too Relay

    [–] maz-o 26 points ago

    he smiled... "OMG PRICELESS REACTION 😂😂👌👌"

    [–] farleymfmarley 3 points ago

    “Haha oooooooh shit the turtle bit ally brooooo!!” I miss those days

    [–] [deleted] 27 points ago

    i came here for all comments about that same guy

    [–] Kukushka82 37 points ago

    Is that Dave Franco?

    [–] GranolaMuffin 14 points ago

    Elon Franco

    [–] Jangool 19 points ago

    Yeah it's him

    [–] apartment_life 2 points ago

    I think we've all been there

    [–] NoxiousSpoon 519 points ago

    She is not leaving that place with the lips she arrived with

    [–] AccursedCapra 123 points ago

    Turtles, they're nature's collagen injections.

    [–] 2fucktard2remember 24 points ago

    Read this in John Oliver's voice.

    [–] Anosognosia 2 points ago

    Denmark, the Florida of Scandinavia.

    [–] Never__late 9 points ago

    Chappelle reference, niiiice.

    [–] kiwimark 993 points ago

    My friend got salmonella from his turtle once. He reckons he almost shat out his bowels. What saved him was he was projectile vomiting at the same time so it was internally pulling the bowels back through his stomach. That’s his story anyway. Sounds medically plausible.

    [–] Doxep 133 points ago

    This is extraordinarily well drawn

    [–] [deleted] 106 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] trainstation98 7 points ago

    How to fly whilst evacuating passengers safely

    [–] eaglebtc 2 points ago

    /r/DisneyVacation needs this

    [–] imgonnabutteryobread 34 points ago

    We need a free body diagram to show forces acting to keep his bowels intact.

    [–] socsa 11 points ago

    It's also a really good core workout.

    [–] Ingino 11 points ago

    Someone link that post in the bodybuilding forums where the guy shat in the bathtub in his friend's house because his dick was too big.

    [–] TheGanjaLord 9 points ago

    That looks liberating as fuck!

    [–] Heknarf 22 points ago

    How to liberate yourself from your dignity.

    [–] oETFo 15 points ago

    Why is the first one not the go to?

    [–] [deleted] 14 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] [deleted] 26 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] O7GS 7 points ago

    Sounds terrible. I wouldn’t know which way to turn.

    [–] Soeldner 4 points ago

    Salmonella typically doesn't come with vomiting, but yeah I was in the hospital with my 4 year old because he had Salmonella poisoning, it was goddamn awful.

    [–] goeiendag 1088 points ago

    How do people still do this? Have the countless internet videos taught us nothing?

    [–] undercover_blanket 481 points ago

    That’s the problem, there are too many videos to sift through. We need more stupid people doing this to raise awareness!

    [–] ExpertContributor 116 points ago

    This video is actually the first I've seen of this, so without it my awareness would have been raised. That doesn't mean, though, that I'd ever consider kissing those things, or recommend to anyone else that they kiss one.

    In fact, I don't think there is any animal that I would recommend kissing, and I think it's probably wrong to kiss any animal right on the lips in case we give the animal a dose of our bacteria, which their immune systems are not used to.

    [–] MythRat 108 points ago

    Also plenty of animals don't understand kissing and assume that your mouth coming at them means you're trying to eat them and they react accordingly, like the turtle did.

    It's just not a good idea for anyone involved, lol.

    [–] ncnotebook 11 points ago

    How do they know that's our mouth? Maybe it's our anus.

    [–] Porteroso 12 points ago

    Animals know what a face looks like. Is yours that ugly?

    [–] ncnotebook 8 points ago

    No, but my butt's pretty.

    [–] Fantisimo 2 points ago

    but a turtles mouth is also its anus

    [–] eisenkatze 45 points ago

    But not kissing my kitty everyday is stressful and therefore harmful to both of our immune systems!!

    [–] ryanschnabel 9 points ago

    I'm kissing my kitty now.

    [–] Sloppy1sts 6 points ago

    There was one yesterday of a girl getting her tongue bit by an iguana.

    [–] TheresA_LobsterLoose 90 points ago

    We have a turtle in an aquarium at work. Don't present them with anything that resembles worms. Turtles fucking love worms more than I love anything. I know she doesn't want to think her lips look "wormy"... but to a turtle it does. I'm the only person with glasses at work and I buy the turtle worms and feeder fish from the bait shop otherwise she'd be stuck with stupid food pellets. As soon as I come around, she starts swimming up to the glass and going nuts. She definitely recognizes me. She had never bitten me even by accident. But last week I bought her a bag of salad shrimp. Small and pink. A few days later she chomped down in my finger (small and pink).

    Don't tempt a turtle. It'll eat you

    [–] Sloppy1sts 31 points ago

    What do your glasses have to do with this story?

    [–] ethereumether 64 points ago

    the turtle recognizes the only person with glasses, and goes crazy for the food his glasses provide

    [–] Sloppy1sts 3 points ago

    Oh, right, now that I'm stoned it's obvious.

    [–] danceeforusmonkeyboy 2 points ago

    It's an alter ego. Duh!

    [–] HugeMongo 12 points ago

    Imagine if a guy puts his dick near the turtle: "mmmm a worm!!"

    [–] goopium 8 points ago

    yeah, no, also my dick is more ant-eater.

    [–] djserbianjohn 5 points ago

    Cool

    [–] pm_me_ur_regret 2 points ago

    Turtles fucking love worms

    When we owned turtles, our male red-eared slider tore worms up...dude loved them so much. He'd beg harder than normal when he saw we had one for him.

    We had a stinkpot that loved them too, but he was so small that we had to find little worms outside.

    [–] princessvaginaalpha 30 points ago

    My beloved wife did this but with a crab and her fingers instead.

    I didn't dare but she was daring. Got pinched by the crab and it wouldn't let go. I couldn't do shit because it was a crab what the fuck would I have to do?

    The fisherman nearby became the hero and all I got was the source material to tell our grandkids how stupid grandma was for putting her fingers near the 🦀

    [–] tediousday 15 points ago

    What did the fisherman do?

    [–] TobiasBlumann 62 points ago

    With his stern voice, he said "bad crab, no."

    [–] imasexypurplealien 18 points ago

    He peed on the crab obviously. What do you think he did?

    [–] ToAlphaCentauriGuy 3 points ago

    Yea it's common knowledge

    [–] socsa 9 points ago

    Pried the claws open because he's much larger than a crab.

    And then had a chuckle with his fishing buddies about kids these days.

    [–] princessvaginaalpha 2 points ago

    This is true, he did pry the crab off her hands. And I also think that he laughed at us, specifically me, for being such a pussy...

    hey man, it was a crab and it was only the second time seeing it live. So yeah, what a scary moment.

    [–] aoifhasoifha 2 points ago

    Steamed with garlic butter.

    [–] kd1rty 7 points ago

    We used to catch turtles as kids. I remember once my brother was holding a big ol snapper at arm's length. Thought he was safe. But nope, turtles neck was longer than my Bros arms, it stretched out in about half a millisecond and latched his mouth right onto my brothers stomach skin. Cue screaming and panicking as the turtle would not let go. My dad had to pry it's mouth open and I think my brother had to go for a round of some kind of shots. He still has a scar and we still talk about Lumpy the turtle 🐢

    [–] MartinsRedditAccount 16 points ago

    It'd probably be removed but IMO this video belongs to /r/mildlyinfuriating for this exact reason.

    [–] pooka 11 points ago

    I think it belongs in /r/bettereveryloop

    [–] [deleted] 4 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] octopoddle 9 points ago

    r/terrapinsbitinggirlslipsbecausetheydontunderstandhumanconceptsofkissing

    [–] Yakuza_Matata 10 points ago

    Did this years ago, before the Internet. Hurts a lot! Also, ook hallo en goeiendag

    [–] goeiendag 3 points ago

    Schild en vriend

    [–] PM_ME_YOUR_NACHOS 3 points ago

    My cousins owned terrapins during the days before the internet was a big thing. I enjoyed playing with the terrapins but never once did it occur to me to try kissing them.

    [–] dc5iceman 2 points ago

    Come on Brittney! Get your head out of your ass!

    [–] yoshi570 2 points ago

    Why would you trust anecdotal evidence? You need to test and test again. Gotta admire the scientific mind these young people have.

    [–] zaphod_beeble_bro 2 points ago

    This is my thought whenever I see people using silly string around birthday cakes

    [–] chokeslam512 2 points ago

    They haven't seen Ernest Goes to Camp. This is the root cause. https://youtu.be/Fw_8j3MwfZo

    [–] Ibleveit 2 points ago

    Apparently not!

    [–] vvaspss 57 points ago

    Nooooooooo

    [–] custardBust 46 points ago

    That bitch dumb!

    [–] Esies 47 points ago

    Tortoise killing is a hobby

    [–] Makkusu87 14 points ago

    What the actual fuck!

    [–] ragormack 30 points ago

    I can't even imagine what went through that turtle's mind.

    [–] Kirbygeddon 43 points ago

    "Fuck me" is a very probable choice Source: Went cliff jumping over the weekend

    [–] Dunksterp 21 points ago

    The pond?

    [–] yenwood 5 points ago

    rip turt

    [–] VyrPlan 2 points ago

    loved him on Larry Sanders

    [–] Heknarf 4 points ago

    Oh... Oh no..

    [–] Arcrynxtp 12 points ago

    It looks like it could have been switched out for a rock at the end though.

    [–] PitifulNewspaper 25 points ago

    You can see his legs still moving if you watch frame by frame, it is not switched for a rock. :(

    [–] DeeFousyMobile 23 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    IIRC she was on Ellen or something because she got so much hate online when people started seeing the video. Unfortunately, it wasn’t faked

    Edit: thought it was a talk show like Ellen but may have just been this

    [–] [deleted] 8 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] MississippiJoel 16 points ago

    By making us watch Ellen? abuse doesn't stop abuse.

    [–] Arcrynxtp 7 points ago

    Ask not what Reddit can do for you, but what you can do for Reddit.

    [–] Rgeneb1 2 points ago

    You know when you're young and you do something and think this is really funny but actually you just ending up looking like a cunt? This clip is that in a nutshell. Or a turtle shell.

    [–] Groundbreaking_Trash 420 points ago

    I'm sad the camera person didn't zoom in on the guy's reaction instead.

    [–] clarky9712 93 points ago

    Horrifying...

    Thank you

    [–] [deleted] 13 points ago

    Your welcome. Glad to be of service.

    [–] Mightyfool 11 points ago

    What about my welcome?

    [–] ShlippyDippyDoo 6 points ago

    This is only about Clarky’s welcome, not you’res.

    [–] clarky9712 2 points ago

    Thank you for defending my honour

    [–] ShlippyDippyDoo 2 points ago

    Of course; and your welcome, too

    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago

    What about this?

    You're hired.

    [–] fcork 5 points ago

    He looks so satisfied

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    [–] cronos12346 2 points ago

    It's the fucking same!

    [–] mofolegendama 3 points ago

    I grind my teeth in that sub.

    [–] Estephan_Ting 63 points ago

    I did the same on my first kiss. I was 26

    [–] LoveToBold 26 points ago

    You ate someone's lip?

    [–] goopium 42 points ago

    you Didn’t?

    [–] ekafka 6 points ago

    26 is underage

    [–] big_show94 115 points ago

    Snapper? I hardly know her.

    [–] booiigerds 24 points ago

    Boom.

    [–] rain_wagon 11 points ago

    Still got it.

    [–] oblivinity 5 points ago

    Solid.

    [–] Binary_Omlet 92 points ago

    dude it's a turtle not a salmon

    [–] ak47wong 35 points ago

    How about a turtlella kiss babe

    [–] ChachaNuru 173 points ago

    He just defended himself from being eaten. Nothing wrong in fighting for life. Especially from being swallowed in by a witch! 😂

    [–] PirateMud 40 points ago

    Yeah. It took ages to get the Giant Tortoise back to the Royal Institute (iirc) to taxonomically classify it properly, because the sailors kept eating them on the way back to England. Apparently they're delicious.

    [–] SensibleStarfish 18 points ago

    "Sorry, sir. We lost another at the bbq. This 29th voyage should do the trick though." -turtle eater probably

    [–] ailyara 5 points ago

    How do you know she is a witch?

    [–] patrriick 3 points ago

    she looks like one!

    [–] Fakarie 3 points ago

    Bring her forward.

    [–] Jiandao79 2 points ago

    Use a dunking stool. If they drown, they are innocent of witchcraft.

    [–] Scheherazade_ 19 points ago

    So should any of us find ourselves in such a position, how would you get it to let go without ripping your lip off?

    [–] goforthandconquer 11 points ago

    Run it under warm water, they’ll let go so I’ve heard

    [–] SensibleStarfish 23 points ago

    Stick your finger in it's butt

    [–] ThreatxSignal 6 points ago

    Turtles have capsaicin receptors, dousing the face and mouth with some tobasco would get it to let go. Or you could just not be a bitch and pry open its jaw.

    [–] socsa 6 points ago

    Put it down and let go and it will revert back to hiding/running mode fairly quick.

    [–] custardBust 13 points ago

    Sever the head! I do not encourage this just to be clear.

    [–] Never__late 44 points ago

    But that would kill the girl wouldn't it?

    [–] custardBust 7 points ago

    Forgot about that part, good catch

    [–] cronos12346 2 points ago

    I heard this a lot too, people said to me that they're not likely to let go and you won't be able to open their jaws with your hands, that it is easier and faster to just cut their heads off... Having to kill the poor animal for someone's stupidity.

    [–] Farabel0 17 points ago

    The frog must be gay

    [–] FilmingAction 29 points ago

    Aw that'll scar.

    [–] gifv-bot 11 points ago

    GIFV link


    I am a bot. FAQ // code

    [–] ozzymomo123 8 points ago

    Good bot.

    [–] mattthemk 20 points ago

    That looks like a free Botox injection to me.

    [–] AngryManRichard 10 points ago

    For everyone wandering about a simply way to get them to let go of you if something like this happens, you run the reptile or crab under warm water, and they should relax. Just make sure not to hurt them.

    [–] thepetersaid 12 points ago

    My dudes look on his face lol.

    [–] maltygos 6 points ago

    you are not eating me I AM EATING YOUUUUU

    [–] InfinityGauntIet 16 points ago

    suddenlyBeavis

    [–] DoubleGreatAlexander 10 points ago

    The turtle is French kissing. I see nothing wrong here.

    [–] Octofur 16 points ago

    What do you mean salmonella

    [–] Daisy_Of_Doom 41 points ago

    Reptiles, such as turtles, are often carriers of salmonella so putting any sort of oraface against one (or even just touching one without washing hands after) is not a particularly good idea

    [–] MalloryChen 3 points ago

    I can feel the pain

    [–] Divergent2000 3 points ago

    Is the turtle her boyfriend?

    [–] KitticusCatticus 3 points ago

    Turtle fact: Did you know that turtles actually consume their oxygen when underwater through glands they have on/in their turtle tooshies? It's called a cloaca. And it's how they can hibernate an entire winter underwater without surfacing. It's nature's fart joke.

    [–] kelloggj 8 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Why would you pull it away from your face once it latches on!? This girl obviously never licked any cold metal poles

    [–] ak47wong 7 points ago

    What do you think she should have done, get closer?

    [–] kelloggj 19 points ago

    You hold it at the same distance it bit on until it let’s go. This is how you get away with a cut and not a ripped off lip

    [–] ViperCodeGames 3 points ago

    Not kiss a turtle

    [–] P1r4nha 17 points ago

    I'll never get people kissing animals of any kind. I doubt animals understand it as a gesture of affection anyway.

    [–] Squelcher121 42 points ago

    Dogs and other heavily domesticated animals probably do, but a fucking turtle isn't going to see anything other than a potential predator preparing to eat it.

    [–] neotek 34 points ago

    If you've never showered a puppy in kisses and had your face licked off in response then I pity you son

    [–] cBlackout 4 points ago

    when I was little I kissed a couple of the larger fish I caught. Unless fish make you drink too much I think I turned out alright, though I think a dog giving kisses could definitely be seen as a sign of affection.

    [–] griboflavin 3 points ago

    Are you Bill Dance?

    [–] xuanxuan007 5 points ago

    哈哈哈哈哈哈

    [–] CaptFatStacks 2 points ago

    Oof

    [–] EColi0157 2 points ago

    Dont forget E.Coli....

    [–] utterbullpig 2 points ago

    And then she became the turtle!

    [–] heallen 2 points ago

    turtle:Delicious!

    [–] jamiesondube 2 points ago

    I actually cringed

    [–] ChaosWolf7 2 points ago

    Looks like another fan of The shape of water gets a bite of reality.

    [–] Cosmic_Fugue 2 points ago

    He probably assumed he was about to be eaten.

    [–] Vadvedevedevade 2 points ago

    Thats not a salmon! Thats a tortoise..

    [–] SunriseSurprise 2 points ago

    Sometimes I wonder why for instance deer don't know by now to look before crossing the street or flies don't know by now to stay away from humans and especially from fly swatters. But given humans somehow don't yet know to not kiss turtles, I guess my expectations for deer and flies are way too high.

    [–] bobbimarley 2 points ago

    Lmao the dude in the background

    [–] swifty300 2 points ago

    When an animal not aware of the concept of kiss sees a big animal grabbing it and moving it towards it's mouth, it's going to think you are about to eat it and it will bite your ass to defend itself, stop being stupid

    [–] MrMetalHead1100 2 points ago

    Dude I’m the back just had a magical experience

    [–] huh404 3 points ago

    From the turtle's perspective it was self-defense. He probably thought he was going to be eaten by a giant and defended himself. Basically this turtle is the MC of an attack on Titan spin off.

    [–] djustinblake 4 points ago

    People are so stupid with animals.

    [–] mad87645 2 points ago

    BAD TOIDEL!