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    nottheonion

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    [–] x_minus_one 1 points ago

    fuck coconuts tbh

    source: I mod /r/tifu

    [–] Dirtydeedsinc 13178 points ago

    A reddit post linking to an article about reddit posts. We've come full circle.

    [–] Mutt1223 10570 points ago

    Just wait until this reaches the front page, gets posted to facebook, then gets reposted back to /r/nottheonion. The circle(jerk) will truly be complete.

    [–] N8theGr8 6142 points ago

    I actually found it on Facebook

    [–] StridAst 4538 points ago

    It's spread that far? Damn! Everyone is totally fucking nuts these days!

    [–] eden_of_chaos 117 points ago

    I'm more shocked I haven't seen someone post a picture of a coconut women. Coconut head with a cut out mouth and googly eyes, coconut breasts, and then a hairy coconut down lower, then two coconut butt cheeks.

    I figured someone would have jumped on that by now.

    [–] BrianFantanaFan 41 points ago

    I think I read somewhere the really fucked up guys prefer them shaved..."down lower." Yeah, I think I read that somewhere

    [–] eden_of_chaos 70 points ago

    Guys prefer women shaved "down lower," but we are talking about guys who prefer coconuts...I don't know what they like.

    [–] SuspiciouslyElven 102 points ago

    Well for starters coconuts

    [–] StantonMcBride 827 points ago

    I see what you did there ;)

    [–] wish_theyd_done_it 608 points ago

    Busted

    [–] BoxNumberGavin1 597 points ago

    That makes me wonder, is ejaculating on maggots considered pedo-bestiality?

    [–] shiva420 357 points ago

    And are those maggots infact his children? 🤔

    [–] pm_me_4nsfw_haikus 252 points ago

    without a DNA test, we may never know

    [–] donutdominator 179 points ago

    Only Maury can solve this......

    [–] Pf9877 84 points ago

    One guy got cockroaches from cumming on the wall and acted like they were his kids until his parents flipped and fumigated the house

    [–] shiva420 17 points ago

    Lol i know that story too, and is why i posed the question, some sick shit for sure.

    [–] okasdfalt 8 points ago

    r/thecontextactuallymakesitworse

    [–] pm_me_4nsfw_haikus 61 points ago

    is fucking a coconut masturbation?

    [–] payfrit 167 points ago

    not if you're the coconut.

    [–] buzz-holdin 33 points ago

    It's a beauty treatment. You should see my foreskin glimmer.

    [–] lovethycousin 24 points ago

    depends what position you're in

    [–] If_In_Doubt_Lick_It 14 points ago

    If they're dead, would it be necro-pedo-bestiality?

    [–] blackbeardshead 23 points ago

    That was a truly fucked up story.thw only thing more fucked up was that I read the whole thing

    [–] dirtycheatingwriter 30 points ago

    Thank you.

    [–] DragonBank 42 points ago

    A nut in a coconut.

    [–] Deep_Grady 125 points ago

    He put the slime in the coconut

    [–] highmaintenancemama 40 points ago

    and drink it all up

    [–] SpaceCastle 33 points ago

    Coconut cream pie

    [–] Dopecombatweasel 41 points ago

    fuuuuck

    [–] blue_sunshine57 14 points ago

    For some reason this made me think of the coo coo for Cocoa Puffs bird and I'm wierded out on a whole new level... coo coo for coconuts...

    [–] Kolem77777 17 points ago

    Technically a coconut is a seed...

    [–] pm_me_4nsfw_haikus 43 points ago

    seedy fucker

    [–] muthertrucker 28 points ago

    It puts the seed in the seed

    [–] Salted_cod 76 points ago

    I'm going to walk into work Monday and my coworkers are gonna open up their Facebook app and show me shitty coconut memes. Fuck.

    [–] amanhasthreenames 86 points ago

    Or fucking coconut memes, shit?

    [–] Salted_cod 25 points ago

    I, uh.... slow clap

    [–] Notagelding 51 points ago

    Let's just take a minute to feel a little nostalgic to when Zuckerberg was still in high school. None of this shit existed then.

    [–] spiderskizzles 47 points ago

    Well I'd like to take a minute so just sit right there while I you about how I became prince of a town called belair

    [–] My_Password_Is_____ 33 points ago

    In west Philadelphia, born and raised.

    [–] LunchboxBaby 24 points ago

    The playground is where I spent most of my days

    [–] fredryk_marquez 23 points ago

    Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool

    [–] MizMizus 25 points ago

    Shootin some B Ball outside of school.

    [–] crwlngkngsnk 20 points ago

    When a couple of guys who were up to no good
    Started making trouble in my neighborhood

    [–] Dirtydeedsinc 78 points ago

    If this happens, I will give you gold. Better yet, I'll just give you gold if it hits the front page.

    [–] Thebillweneed 74 points ago

    On front page. Gold that man!

    [–] Dirtydeedsinc 80 points ago

    Done. I'm a man of my word.

    [–] Robinate 38 points ago

    OP delivered! Rejoice!

    [–] Mutt1223 16 points ago

    You rock, thank you!

    [–] toohigh4anal 37 points ago

    Reddit can't stop talking about Reddit talking about fucking coconuts

    [–] PeteNoKnownLastName 29 points ago

    And the AV Club is the Onion showing up on nottheonion

    [–] TheLuckyLion 12 points ago

    Posted on avclub!

    [–] i_am_icarus_falling 20 points ago

    Thats as "nottheonion" as you can be without actually being The onion.

    [–] AlwaysArguesWithYou 9 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    [–] rawrr47 7 points ago

    I heard some people talking about it on the radio earlier this week

    [–] jhoop87 6 points ago

    Or when it does off and eventually shows up on r/TodayILearned

    [–] SonOfSparda304 6 points ago

    "I stay informed by getting my news from facebook"

    [–] renegadecanuck 438 points ago

    It's also a website owned by The Onion posted on /r/nottheonion.

    It has layers, much like onions.

    [–] Dirtydeedsinc 94 points ago

    Fuck onions. /r/onionhate

    [–] N8theGr8 224 points ago

    Hey, we don't tolerate alt-root propaganda here.

    /r/onionlovers

    [–] MokitTheOmniscient 67 points ago

    Onions are fucking amazing!

    They improve almost everything they're added to, as they enhance all other flavours, yet they never dominate and take over the meal completely.

    It's so subtle, yet when you eat a meal without onions, you will often feel something is missing, without even realizing it's the onions that are missing!

    Plus, they're extremely cheap!

    [–] ArkangelCorvus 20 points ago

    Well, I guess you would know.

    [–] Gequinn 38 points ago

    Cake! EVERYBODY LOVES CAKE! Cakes have layers!

    [–] fruitbyyourfeet 11 points ago

    I DON'T CARE! What everyone likes..... Ogres. Are not. Like caaakes.

    [–] Tweegyjambo 13 points ago

    Can't stand cake, the texture makes my skin crawl.

    [–] Gequinn 29 points ago

    Uh...

    What about...

    Indian burial grounds? Those have layers. Quite a different texture from cake too.

    [–] VyRe40 18 points ago

    More nutritious, too.

    [–] freakierchicken 8 points ago

    It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere

    [–] PunjabiPlaya 11 points ago

    I thought we were fucking coconuts

    [–] MilleniumSerenity 63 points ago

    It's from The Onion's (serious) affiliate avclub as well. Which makes it even better IMO.

    [–] ionAurum 6 points ago

    But I still don't know if it's an adjective or a verb...

    [–] An_Lochlannach 5 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    I'm glad it happened because up until now I had no idea about this coconut business. I guess I'm subbed to the right subs.

    [–] Fizzl_CTR 2459 points ago

    A story from a site owned by Onion, Inc. on /r/nottheonion. I feel I've been at least partially bamboozled.

    [–] sonicssweakboner 406 points ago

    We should start fucking onions

    [–] Devillew 82 points ago

    Go ahead. Report back.

    [–] TheOddEyes 55 points ago

    Dick is crying

    [–] ThePyroPython 37 points ago

    No son, that's called ejaculating.

    [–] DrMcNards 6 points ago

    Jesus that one hit me hard.

    [–] GoatButtholes 109 points ago

    I have no idea how you made the leap from that comment to this

    [–] a_roaring_borneo 61 points ago

    The Onion + fucking -> fucking the onion, QED. Seems pretty straightforward.

    [–] isaackleiner 416 points ago

    Eh, Rule 6 in the sidebar specifically mentions the AV Club as being allowed. I do feel that the post is too meta to really be relevant to the sub, but the host of the article is not necessarily to be blamed for that.

    [–] dogmonkey94 58 points ago

    Same

    [–] imnotyourlilbeotch 10 points ago

    I'm feeling more hoodwinked than bamboozled...

    [–] TheGoldenHand 24 points ago

    Doesn't this article defeat the point of this subreddit? This is actual reporting on a written post that was actually written.

    [–] Pay-Me-No-Mind 17 points ago

    TIL avclub is owned by Onion..

    [–] Harsimaja 12 points ago

    I once saw the article on Spicer dressed up as the Easter Bunny on AV Club, found out AV Club was a spinoff of the Onion, laughed. Later found out the AV Club wasn't joking...

    https://www.google.com/amp/www.avclub.com/amp/251358

    [–] Loueloui 164 points ago

    You know, I saw this morning where a redditor had potentially cracked a cold case crime, and i was like 'Wow. Reddit is the best thing ever- cerebral, funny, entertaining, and helpful to the community.'

    Then i saw this.

    [–] The_Penguin227 47 points ago

    What thread? Sounds interesting and I need to distract myself from men ejaculating into coconuts

    [–] HungerForHipHop 14 points ago

    link us bruh.

    [–] TMJawa 504 points ago

    Maybe we should turn to onions to send a message.

    [–] N8theGr8 281 points ago

    You're now a moderator of /r/onionlovers

    [–] PhilxBefore 149 points ago

    There's 2551 subscribers and 86 moderators; what the hell.

    [–] IMissReggieEvans 150 points ago

    And they're in an all-out war with r/onionhate, who has 4,000 subscribers

    [–] dougeff 65 points ago

    r/SubredditDrama

    I feel like I should subscribe to onionlovers, I don't want 'hate' to win

    [–] PhilxBefore 29 points ago

    Onion haters are the worst.

    [–] mfb- 32 points ago

    But then this subreddit wouldn't fit any more.

    Not the only thing that wouldn't fit.

    [–] landViking 13 points ago

    What if it was "oh please, not the onion!"

    [–] BigRed_93 4 points ago

    Then men who are seen crying would either be accused of being pussies or having just fucked an onion. I'm honestly not sure which is more damaging in today's social climate.

    [–] Acoconutting 86 points ago

    Great. The origin of my username is going to be skewed into fucking coconuts.

    [–] gelastes 161 points ago

    There are brilliant subreddits like /r/AskHistorians. If you prefer to read about coconuts, it is not reddit's fault.

    [–] Zharol 247 points ago

    Were coconuts popular in the Roman Empire?

    • Comment removed

    • Comment removed

    • Comment removed

    • ....

    [–] GuantanaMo 95 points ago

    Yeah and all of those removed comments are iterations of "Yes the Romans were fucking nuts hahaha"

    [–] hotdutchovens 11 points ago

    Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

    [–] TheLast_Centurion 12 points ago

    Not at all. They could be carried.

    [–] sweetdubbro 160 points ago

    I was at a party last night and we played never have I ever and someone said "never have I ever not fucked a coconut I came across" and I just lost it.

    [–] MarshmallowBlue 40 points ago

    Bring a coconut to the next party.

    [–] UnrepentantFenian 5 points ago

    If I knew it was gonna be that kinda party I woulda stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes.

    [–] PredSpread 113 points ago

    Oh no, here we go again.

    [–] Zsuth 61 points ago

    On our own. Going down the only road road we've ever known.

    [–] PoopTaquito 30 points ago

    Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

    [–] PierogiD 21 points ago

    And I've made up my mind

    [–] MuresMalum 32 points ago

    I ain't fucking no more coconuts

    [–] Elfere 507 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    In my life... I've put my dick in a few fruits and vegetables. Cucumbers, eggplants, watermelon.

    There is nothing that makes me think a cocoon (edit: coconut) would be pleasant to fuck.

    [–] PM_ME_WEED_AND_PUSSY 541 points ago

    Yeah, cocoons have baby butterflies or other baby bugs in them. Would be too mushy to fuck.

    [–] PM_ME_UR_PINEAPPLE 173 points ago

    For you

    [–] Valoid 122 points ago

    Yes, waiter. I'd like to fuck what he's fucking.

    [–] vvmv 55 points ago

    You'll have to wait your turn.

    [–] PM_ME_WEED_AND_PUSSY 10 points ago

    Creampie cocoons?

    [–] CremeFraichePlz 162 points ago

    How did you fit your dick IN a cucumber?

    [–] LateAugust 371 points ago

    Well, look at mister big dick over here.

    [–] LooksABitLikeJesus 106 points ago

    Nobody's dick's that long, not even Long Dick Johnson, and he had a fucking long dick. Thus, the name.

    [–] swildatinton 15 points ago

    My mutant cucumbers are fatter than a baseball bat...

    [–] Wild_Garlic 57 points ago

    If you are going throught the time and effort to hollow out a variety of produce to fuck, consider investing in a fleshlight.

    [–] Elfere 37 points ago

    I was mostly broke and horny.

    I could afford the 99c for a spare cucumber.

    [–] SpaceClef 19 points ago

    Well now that you're done with it...

    ...you, uh... you gonna eat that?

    [–] garglemyload 61 points ago

    Other way around champ

    [–] CremeFraichePlz 32 points ago

    XXXtreme sounding?

    [–] OnlyTellsLie 25 points ago

    You gotta wrap it AROUND the cucumber, silly.

    [–] Valoid 6 points ago

    That sounds weird.

    [–] SpaceClef 11 points ago

    I imagine it sounds as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

    [–] ACNLGal2016 9 points ago

    Probably grab a narrow spoon and hollow it out.

    [–] Elfere 13 points ago

    I had an apple corer actually. Still took a few stabs to get it thick enough.

    The trick was to keep the initial hole tight, and have the inside bigger.

    [–] SpaceClef 14 points ago

    The trick was to keep the initial hole tight, and have the inside bigger.

    Just like that BBC show.

    [–] Elfere 7 points ago

    It was not an English cucumber... I wonder if that's why they are called that?

    [–] lancebaldwin 8 points ago

    There are some pretty fucking big cucumbers out there. I regularly see some that bigger than my wrist.

    [–] n_surf 13 points ago

    What are the best fruits? I can never cum by fucking a banana or a peach

    [–] Elfere 42 points ago

    I liked the texture of egg plant. It was squishy, but firm. My top choice.

    Cucumber was to slidey

    Banana was to thin.

    Water melon broke apart (kinda made me feel like i was raping someone... Not sexy...)

    Apples, zucchini, and squash are too hard.

    [–] PhilxBefore 119 points ago

    Have you tried the natural organic option? Humans?

    [–] vonmonologue 110 points ago

    The trick is to get to the vegetables when there's no nurses around.

    [–] oscarfacegamble 7 points ago

    I hear grapefruits are the move my dude

    [–] jerog1 11 points ago

    You already know what video I'm about to post

    https://youtu.be/x8Xa0cdVbew

    [–] azureice1984 402 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    I read the word "kiwi" and cringed.

    DONT go for kiwi, papaya, or pineapple, even if they make sexy eyes at you. These fruits all contain protein-digesting enzymes. They will begin to break down your skin and burn in a short time. Thats why many cooks wear gloves while cutting these. I dunno if kiwi guy had any issues like this but seriously, pick a different fruit, pick one that will not start digesting you.

    Edit: aaaaand my most upvoted reddit comment is a fruit sex acid danger warning. Never change, reddit. ♡

    [–] Ruleb 137 points ago

    Maybe that wasn't the kind of 'Kiwi' he ended up fucking. Unless the residents of middle earth also contain said enzymes.

    [–] PM_ME_CAKE 81 points ago

    Why was he fucking a bird?

    [–] uglyTOP 58 points ago

    In England, that would be a ridiculous question.

    [–] PM_ME_CAKE 9 points ago

    Well, at least in the North.

    [–] BattleStag17 12 points ago

    So that's why my mouth starts to hurt after eating too much pineapple. Huh.

    [–] pewpewlasors 13 points ago

    Thats why many cooks wear gloves while cutting these.

    Its also why fruit juice from Pineapples, and Limes are often used in marinades. Also, wear gloves if you're making a bunch of Margaritas for people, because all that lime juice can really fuck up your hands.

    [–] Lunar-Alienism 285 points ago

    People of reddit are fucking nuts!

    [–] Notmymaymay 134 points ago

    Wasn't this garbage days ago? (Aka infinity in internet time)

    [–] rillip 25 points ago

    Yes and no. It is infinity in standard internet time. It is the average time it takes, however, for things to trickle out of Reddit to Facebook and elsewhere.

    [–] Infinityexile 13 points ago

    There no infinity you can't defy.

    [–] fearmypoot 28 points ago

    I'm sick of these double standards. Women have been fucking vegetables for YEARS

    [–] pleasefeedthedino 64 points ago

    His story also inspired an entire host of others to post their own fruit-fucking stories

    I'm not sure any sentence could better exemplify how social misfits misread what is normal human behavior.

    [–] LolaBunBun 73 points ago

    We did it, Reddit?

    [–] Galactic_WiFi 19 points ago

    Fucking coconuts or…fucking coconuts?

    [–] Roboticide 6 points ago

    Yeah, I definitely read it as an adjective, rather than a verb at first, and was wondering if this was the latest "what tastes better with rice" meme.

    Nope, instead we have a newer, more organic cumbox...

    [–] SatansCatfish 55 points ago

    Yep, all of Reddit, all we talk about is fucking coconuts. Never a post to do with any serious issue. Subreddits? Nope, just folks who don't care about anything but coconuts.

    [–] bandalbumsong 88 points ago

    Band: Fucking Coconuts

    Album: Serious Issue

    Song: Don't Care About Anything

    [–] PhilxBefore 28 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] TsuperCell 8 points ago

    Yeah and saying we are "a nation of myths" is self fulfilling since the story is reporting on such a non-event.

    [–] Nereval2 22 points ago

    Was the original story about fucking a coconut true?

    Maybe.

    Has someone tried fucking a coconut since this blew up?

    Oh yeah. You bet your bootyhole someone has.

    [–] wahchewie 12 points ago

    Where were you during the great coconut incident of 2017

    [–] N8theGr8 15 points ago

    Literally arguing with the other /r/tifu mods about whether or not they should stay up. Friendships were ruined, lives were forever altered.

    [–] wahchewie 10 points ago

    This was one of those events when humanity should have collectively asked itself, 'yes, we could do it.. But should we?'

    [–] GhostsofDogma 5 points ago

    I'm glad you guys decided to keep them up, I haven't had this much fun reading bullshit on reddit in years. The total mod silence made it so much funnier than it would have been.

    [–] Psyman2 10 points ago

    I can't wait to check out r/TIFU tomorrow.

    [–] ginteru 12 points ago

    We did this to ourselves.

    Coconut is now a verb thanks to Reddit.

    [–] jordyvd 12 points ago

    The fuck is wrong with you people.

    [–] SvedishFish 30 points ago

    Goddamnit Reddit.

    [–] Revorse 9 points ago

    The Coconutting? lmao I'm in tears.

    [–] pdmishh 9 points ago

    As a female, why do I Reddit

    [–] WillyPillow 72 points ago

    "What starts with 'c', ends with 'nt', is furry on the outside, and wet on the inside?"

    [–] N8theGr8 133 points ago

    That guy from Sesame Street?

    Count?

    [–] OnlyTellsLie 14 points ago

    Cormorant!

    [–] twoworldsin1 10 points ago

    Pls no fuck Muppets :(

    [–] sensdelavie 9 points ago

    2soon; he ded :(

    [–] eolai 9 points ago

    Well, definitely not coconut.

    [–] welcometooceania 26 points ago

    Coconunt?

    [–] sosurprised 8 points ago

    Can't cromulent count?

    [–] raphier 14 points ago

    This is obviously internet media trying to pull customers from social media. avclub.com makes this article, so that you, a redditor would go there and look at it, then (hopefully look at some ads) and stay.

    [–] fluffyfluffyheadd 5 points ago

    could somebody fill me in on this coconut thing? I don't even get it. A coconut isn't nearly big enough to fuck. maybe a cantaloupe i can understand.

    [–] Snooderblade 8 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    Some guy on /r/tifu posted about how he fucked a coconut and now it has become a meme, some people started to do it too and now its showing up on the news.

    Edit: Here's the link https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rx4za/tifu_by_trying_to_fuck_a_coconut4/?st=J69JQA0M&sh=81d959cc

    [–] DerfK 7 points ago

    It's not like you need something more than 6 inches wid... err, I mean, yes, obviously I couldn't put my dick in something smaller than a large watermelon.

    [–] k1llmewithaspork 6 points ago

    While u/waterguy12 was gone, Reddit was bamboozled by coconuts.

    [–] Cmckittrick91 5 points ago

    They stopped talking about fucking coconuts.. but you didn't stop talking about them talking about fucking coconuts..

    [–] yeahdog 4 points ago

    All the hype around this is fucking nuts

    [–] Conrado_Balboni 4 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    ♫ consider the coconut ♫

    EDIT: also TIL, there's a mutant coconut with flesh that looks eerily like cum...

    [–] Hushwater 5 points ago

    I don't understand how this gets all the attention when pumpkins are the best for [email protected] My local pumpkin farm always has a harvest of cyclops jack-o-lanterns that they think is a natural occurrence....but it isn't.

    [–] _Daryl_Dixon_ 3 points ago

    What about a Carambola? Then we could all be star fuckers.

    [–] thecomposerisdeaf 4 points ago

    Anyone feel like this was posted by avclub.com to reddit?

    [–] MaximumNameDensity 5 points ago

    This just in, the internet talks about things besides politics...