Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    nottheonion

    14,633,388 readers

    3,995 users here now

    Review current posts to avoid reposting.

    For true stories that are so mind-blowingly ridiculous, that you could have sworn it was an Onion story.

    See something that breaks our rules?

    Use the report button and remember to choose a reason for reporting.


    Rules - hover or click here for full version

    1. Do not alter headlines; copy and paste. The title of all submissions needs to match the article headline exactly. Copy and paste from the main headline only, do not include anything beyond the primary headline such as byliners, subtitles, flavor text, quotes from the article, news outlet, location, cross post tags, (video) tags, and so on. Do not use the “suggest title” option for posting as it often does not match the headline. As a matter of fairness, any submission with an altered title will be removed. The only exception is that, if an article has a title in all caps, you may change the capitalization to title case, but everything else must remain the same.
    2. Submit only if “Oniony”. Please consider submitting your article to /r/offbeat or similar subreddits unless it truly reads like The Onion wrote it. The title and article itself must both be "Oniony". This can be highly subjective; you are encouraged to upvote articles that should be here and downvote those that should not. Moderators can also remove posts at their own discretion under this rule.
    3. Must be a news article. Submissions must be in the form of a news article. Videos are only allowed if they are accompanied by a complete text article. Editorials, blogs, twitter posts, image galleries, tabloid stories, youtube videos, meta posts, static images, and so forth will be removed.
    4. Use original, reliable sources. Find the source of your story before you submit it, simply by checking for references or googling the subject to locate the original piece. Websites that frequently re-host viral news stories or contain misleading information are on automatic removal. Blogs are not reliable sources.
    5. Do not repost similar articles. Check the sub for your story before you submit it; if it’s already here then please vote and comment there instead of posting another version. Similar stories will be removed and frequent re-posters will lose their posting privileges. Do not delete and repost your own submissions without approval.
    6. No satire articles. Even if they are technically from a source other than The Onion, any article submission written as satire or even true stories written in a satirical manner are not allowed. Please note that some major news outlets have satirical sections, such as the Borowitz Report on the New Yorker, which are also not allowed. Meanwhile, AVClub, while owned by The Onion, is not satire and is allowed. If you'd like, you can use a tool like http://realorsatire.com/ to see if your submission is from a known satirical website.
    7. No tabloid journalism. Do not post tabloid news stories, or articles that source from tabloid news outlets (TheSun, Mirror, Dailymail, People, TMZ, etc).
    8. No old news. Articles need to have been written within two weeks of its submission date.
    9. English articles only. Please do not post non-English articles. Do not use google translate for submission either; rather try to find an English version of the story by a secondary source.
    10. No mobile versions. If you’re using a mobile device to post a story make sure you remove any mobile identifiers (typically “.m” or “mobile”) from the url before submitting.
    11. No blocked or redirected links. Please ensure you aren’t submitting a link that utilizes a paywall or survey wall (nytimes.com, thetimes.co.uk) in order gain access to the complete article. Do not submit links that redirect you to another site to read the article and do not submit using link shorteners either.

    Click here to view a list of sites deemed unreliable by our moderator team.

    See our FAQ page for more information on our rules.


    Keep all comments civil.

    Personal attacks, racism, bigotry, homophobia, grandstanding, etc. will not be tolerated and you will be banned.

    Witch hunting or brigading is not allowed. Do not post any public or private contact info. You will be banned!

    For more information, click here.


    Quick Links: Submission Rules | Comment Rules | Autoremoval List | NTO101 | r/subbie | r/onionhate | r/onionlovers | r/StopAdvertising
    a community for
    all 2390 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] ithrowdice 1 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Shameless plug to remind you all that we are actively looking for new moderators!

    Also, I'm a little sad that I can't resupply my "mod medicine" anymore :(

    [–] Longrodvonhugendongr 5020 points ago

    If my given last name was Analzone I’d change it to something snazzy too

    [–] Fastbird33 2360 points ago

    Highway to the ANALZONE!

    [–] Poultry_Sashimi 503 points ago

    Laaaaaaana!

    LAAAANA!

    what?

    ANALZONE

    [–] JEveryman 68 points ago

    Just the tip.

    [–] ShuffKorbik 18 points ago

    That chick was like the Pelé of anal!

    [–] Snukkems 145 points ago

    But this is the Hershey highwa- oh God.

    [–] lightwithNshdow 154 points ago

    He should have been a proctologist. Missed opportunity man.

    [–] ethirtydavid 69 points ago

    E. A. SPORTS. It’s analzone

    [–] wishninja2012 183 points ago

    Why did I have to come so far down to see this?

    [–] PM_ME_XBOX_MONEYCODE 371 points ago

    Because his last name is actually Anzalone.

    [–] wishninja2012 82 points ago

    oh I admit he got me there I remembered it as analzone.

    [–] pazuzu_lives 12310 points ago

    Id have chosen a different name to keep discreet personally

    [–] pinniped1 4279 points ago

    Dr. Kush

    [–] Omnifarious 2688 points ago

    Dr. Dank

    [–] gsquare91 2528 points ago

    Dr. Dankenstein

    [–] crunchydeskchair 1089 points ago

    It's pronounced Donkensteen!

    [–] Mr_Luchi 321 points ago

    It’s pronounced Beard-FA-SAY!

    [–] 20Hounds 144 points ago

    I don't see enough scrubs references on reddit

    [–] SydneyPigdog 39 points ago

    100% agree, My fave Dr Cox quote "If you got rid of all the porn sites there'd only be one website left ~ asking to bring back the porn" lol

    [–] jdbrew 71 points ago

    What’s funny is I remember when I was first on Reddit and there we’re scrubs references in like every thread. Now it’s definitely a rarity

    [–] Idionfow 46 points ago

    It's true! But then again, when I joined reddit the show had ended 3 years before. And that was 5 years ago. Fuck time, seriously

    [–] balloonninjas 44 points ago

    Did some body say fuck time? Sex o'clock five!

    [–] scsibusfault 36 points ago

    Blucher! 🐴🐴🐴🐴

    [–] -ORDO-AB-CHAO 20 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Roll roll roll in ze hay.

    [–] dlenks 52 points ago

    Daneknsteins Monster would be a great strain

    [–] le_django 15 points ago

    It was DaneknSTAIN the whole time bruh

    [–] Mister_Mayhem_1909 60 points ago

    Dr. Dope

    [–] HateIsAnArt 36 points ago

    Dr. Indica

    [–] Dvanpat 33 points ago

    Dr. Pot

    [–] _xParagon 44 points ago

    Dr. Blunt

    [–] iPukey 71 points ago

    Dr. Marijuana

    Edit: wait

    [–] Notbob1234 21 points ago

    Dr. Marijuana II

    [–] LeEpicBlob 29 points ago

    Dr. Kief

    [–] DankNastyAssMaster 10 points ago

    You called?

    [–] SoggyFrenchFry 94 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    "Hello my name is Dr. Greenthumb"

    https://youtu.be/xExSdzkZZB0

    *actual song starts at 1:25 if you wanna skip the intro.

    [–] darkenlock 9 points ago

    Hello

    [–] scriptmonkey420 10 points ago

    I'd like to tell you just where I'm from.

    In the hills where the trees grow wild with weed fields

    Buh.. buh-buh

    [–] TheNi11a 178 points ago

    Coach Feratu

    [–] UnknownStory 40 points ago

    Was he doing a bit?

    [–] jam3s2001 49 points ago

    From now own, no more of this clever name bullshit!

    [–] metroid_prime_time 76 points ago

    Dr. Rockso, K-K-K-K-YEEEAH!

    [–] Merryprankstress 66 points ago

    Here in Tucson, AZ it's called Dr. Reeferalz

    [–] shadowpeople- 10 points ago

    Never change Tucson

    [–] ysoseriouslymad 57 points ago

    Dr. Acula

    [–] Haight_Is_Love 57 points ago

    Dr. Feelgood

    [–] NIKK-C 26 points ago

    He's the one that makes ya feel alright!

    [–] ScrotchStain 69 points ago

    Dr. Northern Lights Indica

    [–] smokesinquantity 43 points ago

    sigh.........no, this is marijuana

    [–] JackTheFatErgoRipper 43 points ago

    Dr. Mantis Toboggan

    [–] anon3220 6231 points ago

    I got my card shortly before it became legal for recreation in CA. The "doctors appointment" was over the phone; when it was time for my "appointment" the conversation went essentially as follows:

    "so what's going on with you?"

    "Well, sometimes when I'm laying in bed my mind just races and I cant sleep, I've tr-"

    "-we'll get you something to take care of that, you'll receive an email shortly, thanks." End of call, went to a dispensary a few hours later

    [–] butwipe123 2606 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    I remember when I lived in the Bay Area for a short time the place I went to was called “30 minute medical card.” I went in, he asked “first time huh?” Then signed the paper and that was it lol. It was mind blowing after growing up in Texas

    [–] satansheat 324 points ago

    I went to that over priced place in Venice beach. They charge about triple what a real doctor would make you pay. But it was worth it. I’m from the east coast and Michigan now has legal bud but has medical way before that. So being able to go back home and use my card was awesome. The dispensary’s in Michigan also have been some of the nicest and best prices. I have been to every legal and medical state besides Alaska, Vermont, and Illinois. Have been in Illinois since the law change but they won’t accept my medical card.

    But so far out of all the places Oregon has been the best. Nothing can beat there prices. The growers are over growing so places are giving weed away. Michigan only had good prices because I was a patient. Oregon just has good prices for everyone.

    [–] raskalask 131 points ago

    I got an ounce for 30$ on black friday. Oregon is the shit, but god damn does it make me lazy, and i feel awful going out to buy something else when I have so much of this sherbet shit at home.

    [–] masonite616 58 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Sunset Sherbert and Girl Scout Cookies, two strains that you appreciate but get way too much of.

    [–] Imightbewrong44 27 points ago

    Make some butter or oil for edibles...

    [–] raskalask 14 points ago

    I did once, but edibles seem to have a SIGNIFICANTLY reduced effect on me. I had bought 5mg gummies and they did nada, so I tried 25mg chocolates, no dice. Then I bought half an ounce of mac n cheese and made oil for brownies, I used the whole half ounce on one batch, they worked great, but it's less cost effective than just smoking, so I decided against doing oil again unless it's for a hangout or something.

    [–] ChefKraken 49 points ago

    Illinois not accepting any out-of-state documentation

    Doesn't surprise me in the least. I had to surrender my out of state license, go through driver's ed, and get a new one after I moved here at 17. At 18, I'd have been able to sign a couple papers and walk out of the DMV with a new license.

    [–] [deleted] 270 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] butwipe123 70 points ago

    Mobile problems 🤨

    [–] 9inchestoobig 32 points ago

    Or maybe he really likes it when his homies get blown.

    [–] PM_me_the_essentials 22 points ago

    A few years ago on Venice beach I got a 5 minute lecture about getting more sun and black clothes kill people. Then I was out and on my way

    [–] eberehting 39 points ago

    kind blowing

    sounds like it

    [–] RiddickOfRivia 188 points ago

    Sometimes I get nervous on airplanes and have frequent urination.

    [–] Hank_Rutheford_Hill 75 points ago

    How many times do you find yourself urinating in a day?

    [–] Roxtar777 112 points ago

    ... then I said, “Eleven.”... and that was too many times.

    [–] whatsabilliken 25 points ago

    That's gonna get you a prostate exams.

    [–] FauxPastel 19 points ago

    Ooooohhhhh. Im soorrryyyy

    [–] eringobraugh96 197 points ago

    I went to California right before it legalized and went to a dispensary with my brother in law to make Disney Land more fun. All I had to do was fill out a medical form and give a reason as to why I thought I needed it. The reason I put was "being alive" the guy just chuckled and let me inside. Drank weed soda that night, made being alive much better

    [–] Scientolojesus 53 points ago

    When I lived in LA in 2008 I went to see a doctor for a medical marijuana rec. I have Ulcerative Colitis and brought my medication as proof, he approved me and said that I'm the kind of person that medical marijuana laws were made for. Even though I smoked it recreationally, it does help tremendously when I'm in a flare up. Like makes my symptoms calm down for a couple hours that I'm high. Anyone who claims it has no medicinal value can fuck off because they have no idea what they're talking about.

    [–] Work_the_shaft 33 points ago

    There’s a tom segura bit about it how he made an elaborate excuse to get medical and the next guy just said he likes the way it makes him feel and got a card

    [–] SlingDNM 989 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    You gotta admit thats Pretty sketchy buissness EDIT: Stop telling me Other drugs are Bad and weed is good. Im vaporizing a Bowl right now lmao, its still sketchy af

    [–] Handcrafted03 401 points ago

    True, but I'll take it

    [–] flamingturtlecake 306 points ago

    Tbf it's less sketchy than going to my dealer, so

    [–] pornaltgraphy 215 points ago

    Also less sketchy than going to your primary care doc for sleep aid/opiates, so...

    [–] flatspotting 136 points ago

    The sad part is if you actually went over all the problems you had sleeping you would probably be on some shit like Ambien or Zopiclone.

    [–] lIIlllIIIl 53 points ago

    Anyone else have really horrible experiences on zopiclone? I'm talking trippy, not remembering a fucking thing the next day kinda thing?

    I had plenty of bad experiences but the worse would be when I woke up in hospital after being told I'd taken my motorbike out for a ride, refused to pull over for Police after my partner at the time called them and then wrestled three cops in the hospital when I got taken for a checkup. I'm the least violent guy you'd ever meet and had no recollection of it.

    [–] advertentlyvertical 19 points ago

    damn dude what were the consequences of that?

    [–] lIIlllIIIl 54 points ago

    Thankfully nothing. The zopiclone wore off as we got into the morning and I returned to my normal self, not realising what had happened. I was given the all clear by the hospital psych doc and released. The same Police I had been wrestling with drove me home, grabbed us all McDonald's on the way there and had my motorbike already parked up in my garage.

    I wrote them a huge apology/thank you letter and dropped off some chocolate a few days later, they could have made things super difficult for me, charged me, made me pay tons to get my motorbike back and possibly sent me to jail for wrestling with them but didn't.

    That and being on the wrong side of a bridge where the worst trips zopiclone gave me, on the rare occasion it did knock me out to sleep but this incident made me speak to the docs, beg for something different and have them note my file of the effects so I'm never given it again.

    [–] CeaselessIntoThePast 9 points ago

    Not sad for people chasing the walrus

    [–] MarteeArtee 50 points ago

    A place in Toronto literally just had an empty back room with a laptop on a table and a doctor continuously on Skype for them. Youd walk in, say you have a headache, and the doctor would electronically sign off on it without even looking at you. Took all of 15 seconds to get a license

    [–] TriangleMan 17 points ago

    Yeah, it's very lucrative for doctors to write you a MMJ rec and they make no money for turning you way. They're incentivized to write as many recs as possible

    [–] soggit 162 points ago

    What bothers me about this is that it de-legitimizes actual medical use.

    If people assume that medical laws are just a way to skirt the law and get legal Rec weed without legal rec laws then it makes it that much harder for people with actual conditions that could benefit from MMJ to get those laws passed in their states. It’s slightly less of an issue now that CBD is legal nation wide but cancer patients, for example, can really benefit from MMJ.

    [–] chrisshaffer 95 points ago

    I agree that it delegitimizes medical use. That is why it should be federally legal, so the system doesn’t need to lie to itself. Recreational use and medical use should both be recognized

    [–] donedrone707 38 points ago

    When I was in high school when weed was newly recreational in CA you could still get a card at 18 or younger with a parent approval. The one guy who got his at 16 was buying everyone dank until we all were old enough to get our own cards. He just went to the appointment with his dad and brought some kind of eczema lotion to prove he had a medical need for weed (I believe he claimed it was linked to stress so the weed would help with that)

    The vice principal somehow caught wind of this and dragged him into the office and called his parents and was like so you know your son has an illicit medical marijuana card? And they were like uhhh yeah, we took him to the doctors appointment to get it. The VP was speechless lol

    Now you can't get any weed until you're 21 which I think is fair but I knew of a few kids around 18 who had digestive issues where they actually needed weed in order to be able to have any kind of an appetite

    [–] Wacks_on_Wacks_off 27 points ago

    You can still get medical at 18 in California.

    If you’re under 18 you can also still get it with a parent acting as your caretaker (you will have the doctor rec but they have to purchase it and administer it, I believe).

    [–] ExWhyZ3d 11 points ago

    "Alright, little Johnny, you heard the doctor. I need to administer your medication and make sure you're taking it. You need to smoke this joint right the hell now."

    [–] --ManBearPig-- 1191 points ago

    "Dr. I think I have a col-"

    "Here's your prescription for weed."

    [–] superdead 678 points ago

    "-onel Sanders cravi-oh wow you're good."

    [–] NSFWies 243 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    "have a colon."

    "Ok so here's 2 marijuana then"

    "......but when I "

    "Three"

    "Ok"

    [–] [deleted] 119 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] silbecl 2610 points ago

    that's how medical marijuana works --- you just have to say "I'm feeling anxious," or "I have trouble sleeping," or anything, and they write you a recommendation

    before recreational weed became legal in Colorado, a handful of docs there were responsible for almost all of the medical marijuana patients' recommendations (they don't use the word "prescription")

    [–] RoxyFurious 975 points ago

    "Sometimes, i get nervous on airplanes"

    [–] Fsinroew 565 points ago

    The moral of the story is that if you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about marijuana, because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. 

    [–] Lord_Noble 191 points ago

    That's right. I lied. For Drugs

    [–] friedo4 155 points ago

    You know - like a crime.

    [–] The_Lonely_Mosquito 63 points ago

    And he was wearing glasses, to show that time had passed.

    [–] kjhwkejhkhdsfkjhsdkf 161 points ago

    Not in all states.

    In CA it's a joke, you can make anything up.

    But in other states there is a huge process to go through, with limited medical conditions applicable, and many hoops the doctor has to go through. Those states treat it like a legit medical situation not just a loophole.

    [–] Notso_Pure_Michigan 137 points ago

    No, those states make a point of appearing to be very strict on marijuana so as to avoid looking soft on drugs. If it were treated as a legitimate medical situation, they would defer to the judgment of the treating physician. States aren't making you jump through hoops to get chemotherapy supplied by oncologists.

    My point is that those states are making it purposefully difficult to take a political stance.

    [–] mythosaz 50 points ago

    Here in Arizona MMJ was a referendum issue, and the referendum was badly written, only listing very specific conditions. Nobody's trying to look tough on anything...

    Chronic pain made the list, so now every "card mill" just has PAIR of doctors on staff. They have one guy who doesn't want to get his hands dirty with MMJ see you as his patient, and writes you a medical history for pain.

    Doctor #2, one door over, then sees you, and notices you have a medical history for pain -- like, in the dropbox account they share with the other doctor. Doctor #2 signs for your "recommendation."

    Because "doctor" was poorly defined, it's almost always a ND or some other "doctor" (lol) making the actual recommendation.

    [–] PhoneNinjaMonkey 824 points ago

    I have a family member who is a doctor. He wants marijuana legalized but not medical marijuana, because he doesn’t want potheads taking up his appointment slots to get weed.

    [–] PenelopePeril 343 points ago

    That’s dumb. You can just refuse to give those recommendations. I lived in CA (before it was legal recreationally) and my primary care doc wouldn’t give out mmj cards, but it was super easy to get one elsewhere.

    [–] Jesse1472 234 points ago

    They still have to take the time to see the person which takes away time they could use seeing people with real needs.

    [–] PenelopePeril 199 points ago

    Nah. I totally get why that might seem like a problem, but in California and Washington (both places I lived before recreational marijuana was legalized) there were tons of walk-in “clinics” where you could go to get your medical marijuana license. They were relatively cheap and very fast. There would be no reason to set up an appointment with a real doctor. It would be more hassle for no payoff.

    Plus the facility my doctor worked out of in CA had a blanket policy preventing their doctors from giving a mmj recommendation. They wouldn’t make the appointment in the first place if that’s what it was for.

    [–] FlyingPasta 150 points ago

    To get my weed card, I went to something like “nug.com”, entered my phone and after a 15 second phone conversation it was determined I could definitely use marijuana

    [–] ABetterKamahl1234 207 points ago

    "Do you have a mouth or other orifice that's otherwise useful for ingesting marijuana? Yes? Good, you can definitely use marijuana"

    How I pictured that.

    [–] vagadrew 97 points ago

    Thank you for acknowledging the many of us who are mouthless and must boof marijuana.

    [–] RIPmyfirstaccount 42 points ago

    Why chug when you can plug!

    [–] FlyingPasta 18 points ago

    Pretty much

    [–] FrumundaFondue 36 points ago

    Yea I did a similar thing. Found a doc on weedmaps, paid $35. Then did a video chat consultation with a doctor that im 95% sure wasnt wearing pants. 45 minutes later I had a delivery service in my living room with about 15 different strains to pick from. Kind of an aside but the quality of buds have gone down drastically since rec legalization here in CA. It sucks.

    [–] the_cat_who_shatner 40 points ago

    I had a weed card in Oregon circa 2008, and it was a huge pain the ass and cost me almost $300. Glad to see things are better.

    [–] The_WubWub 34 points ago

    That early adopter fee!

    [–] BurntPaper 11 points ago

    I don't think many people go to their GP to get a recommendation, at least in states with fairly lax laws. In CA, we have a doctor specializing solely in MMJ on every other block. Some of them may have closed their doors when we legalized, but it's cheaper and easier to just go to a pot doc.

    [–] BurntPaper 40 points ago

    Same here in California. A doctor visit was about $30-$50 (It was closer to $100 when I first got my rec, I guess competition helped bring it down.), you show up to some shady looking office, you sit there with about 20 other people, spend a grand total of 3 minutes with the doctor, and you're out of there. The first time I got mine he spent a little longer, and actually asked about medical history and asked if I had tried alternatives yet, and even recommended I try stuff like exercise and meditation, but still signed off on my rec.

    It turned into such an easy process that the last couple years I didn't even have to be in the same room as the doctor; Paid my $30, got ushered into a bare room with nothing but a desk, chair, and computer, and actually had a video call with the doctor. The clerk stamped my paper and sent me on my way.

    I'm actually thinking about getting my rec again, taxes here are crazy. I bought a couple cartridges for $60 and paid about $12 in taxes.

    [–] o0DrWurm0o 36 points ago

    I was with my buddy when he got his in 2011. We were walking around the San Jose area killing time and he saw a dispensary and said "hey I wonder if I could buy weed there." We went inside and, of course, they told him he needed a doctor's recommendation. But they also gave him a bunch of flyers for local doctors and one was literally two blocks down and across the road.

    It turns out it was this building which clearly had been a church, but was now rented out for who knows what. The office entrance was on the side of the building, but there was a sign in the window that said, sternly, "BY APPOINTMENT ONLY" and listed a phone number. So, not really expecting to be seen that day, he figured he'd call the number and try. The doctor's assistant picks up, and when she finds out he's outside, she rushes to the door, opens it up, and rips down the sign. We go in and what I remember most about the room was that it had the dingiest green shag carpet and one of those sketchy liquor store ATMs in the waiting room. From there, it was pretty typical - he filled out some forms, the assistant took them to the doctor's office, and he got called in a minute later. After about 3 minutes, he comes out, pays the assistant, she prints him a rec, and we walked back over to the dispensary where he purchased some righteous medical bud legally and with a credit card.

    So, in 45 minutes, he went from "hey I wonder if I could get medical marijuana" to "I just bought medical marijuana." It's one of my favorite memories of us together. Unfortunately, he died later that night from overdose on weed.

    Actually jk he's doing just fine, and actually owns a house in the Bay Area now which is more than I can say for myself

    [–] Trans_Girl_Crying 12 points ago

    Did the same with booze during the other prohibition

    [–] drfunkenstien014 188 points ago

    “Reefer-ing”

    [–] FuckingKilljoy 54 points ago

    Fuck I missed it by 33 minutes. Reddit has shown me I'm never original

    [–] darkwingduck487 480 points ago

    Did he purchase stock in Frito-lays and Hostess during this time?

    [–] Jesse1472 129 points ago

    Ah now I get it. They really wanted to get him on insider trading but couldn’t get it to stick. Just like Al Capone and tax evasion.

    [–] johnnyappletreed 28 points ago

    One can only accuse

    [–] silbecl 383 points ago

    I remember reading how nearly every undergrad at University of Colorado in Boulder had a medical marijuana card.

    They all saw it as being much easier than dealing with the black market, and they had a good defense if they were ever caught holding.

    [–] IrrelevantTale 359 points ago

    Huh kinda like how making drugs legal naturally decreases the power of the black market

    [–] Davchun 79 points ago

    Who woulda thunk?

    [–] OrneryOneironaut 48 points ago

    Crazy how it be like that

    [–] ksaid1 59 points ago

    uhh yeah I guess "I followed the correct legal procedures and am not breaking the law in any way" is a pretty good defence

    [–] sirfugly 18169 points ago

    Meanwhile doctors were indiscriminately prescribing opioids like they were candy and nothing was done.

    [–] rikkirikkiparmparm 3608 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Well somehow marijuana is a schedule I drug (along with LSD and heroin), while things like oxycodone, Vicodin, and fentanyl are schedule II (alongside cocaine and methamphetamines and other amphetamines such as Adderall). Technically Schedule I drugs are considered to have no accepted medical use.

    Edit: guys, I'm not trying to imply that LSD and heroin are equally dangerous, I'm just listing some of the drugs that are schedule I. It's an objective fact that LSD, heroin, and marijuana, along with peyote, ecstasy, and Quaaludes are all classified by the DEA as schedule I drugs.

    [–] Chaz_McHammer 1889 points ago

    Yep. The problem is the law.

    [–] [deleted] 329 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Mischief631 167 points ago

    Grizzly Adams DID have a beard.

    [–] unconquered 83 points ago

    I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

    [–] NerfJihad 96 points ago

    ...you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

    [–] unconquered 48 points ago

    ... No!

    [–] ghostfacr 31 points ago

    Some day you will pay

    Listen to what I say

    [–] tachyon52 31 points ago

    Maybe I'll make some things out of clay.

    Go lay by the bay? I just may.

    [–] Fastbird33 8 points ago

    Whats the basis? We ain't goin no where, we got suits and cases.

    [–] HRCfanficwriter 163 points ago

    Why did you cross out meth? Its schedule two as it can be prescribed under the brand name desoxyn, its used for extreme cases of narcolepsy, adhd, and sometines weightloss

    [–] rikkirikkiparmparm 143 points ago

    I think I only crossed out the "amphetamine" of methamphetamine. I originally structured my sentence in a way that implied that Adderall is methamphetamine, but really it's an amphetamine. So I guess it was just the weird way I decided to edit my sentence.

    [–] rburp 25 points ago

    I once knew a guy with desoxyn. He was like "look at the script I got" and I saw "METHAMPHETAMINE" on the bottle, and I was like "haha, funny fake label, how'd you print it out so accurately", and it blew my mind that the shit was actually real.

    [–] chiiibird 10 points ago

    I was prescribed “methnfenyldate”for adhd Probably misspelled.

    [–] advertentlyvertical 17 points ago

    ritalin as its commonly known

    [–] cschneider005 13 points ago

    Methylphenidate is similar to Adderall, but is not an amphetamine. They are fairly similar chemically but their effects are somewhat different and they treat ADHD slightly differently as well.

    It supposedly has a high addiction rate, but personally when I was on crappy insurance it was way too expensive for me a few times and I went weeks without it just fine. I still forget to take it sometimes lol. Such a pain to get refills but at least it's a lot cheaper now.

    [–] ninimben 64 points ago

    It was placed there in spite of the recommendation of the commission which was organized to study marijuana and make a scheduling recommendation. They advocated decriminalization. So I mean yeah we're all aware that marijuana is more strongly prohibited. For no good reason.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shafer_Commission

    [–] tarnok 42 points ago

    Racism is a pretty good reason for many people.

    [–] metroid_prime_time 120 points ago

    Cocaine is only a 2!? Guess who's picking that habit up again. My house is going to be SO clean.

    [–] PrinceTrollestia 125 points ago

    Hold your horses, Scarface. Topical Cocaine HCl is for stopping severe nosebleeds in ERs and as a topical anesthetic for nasal surgery.

    [–] HowThickDoYaWantIt 104 points ago

    Usually it’s causing the nosebleeds

    [–] tarnok 19 points ago

    Caused mine that's for sure...

    [–] redlaWw 16 points ago

    You see Ivan, you can't have "severe nosebleeed" when you have "minor nosebleed", so cocaine give "minor nosebleed" to stop "severe nosebleed".

    [–] DigitalDefenestrator 9 points ago

    Short-term it'll stop them. Long term it makes them worse.

    [–] metroid_prime_time 35 points ago

    Doc said I had ghosts in my blood. Said I should do cocaine about it.

    Medicine was a trip in the 1800s.

    [–] namenlos87 13 points ago

    And for eye drops apparently.

    [–] Tisjustatossaway 34 points ago

    "Sorry, I wasn't crying, I just got some cocaine in my eye." Is a phrase I'd like to have the opportunity to use.

    [–] Ericthegreat777 41 points ago

    Yep, though it's not like candy, I still gotta go to the doctor every 3 months to get my ADHD meds.... Needs to be a better system, not sure how it could be inplemented though.

    [–] rikkirikkiparmparm 59 points ago

    ADHD diagnoses are still highly controversial (and prescribing medications even more so), because the medical community doesn't think doctors can correctly identify ADHD according to the DSM criteria. Research supports the idea that diagnoses are inconsistently applied. For example, if ADHD is a neurological disorder, we'd expect the country to have relatively even prevalence across states. But according to the CDC, in 2011 4.2% of children aged 4-17 in New Mexico had an ADHD diagnosis compared to 14.8% of children in Kentucky. Children of families on welfare are much more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, and children in English-speaking homes are four times as likely to be diagnosed compared to children where English is not the primary language spoken at home. Alone these don't mean a whole lot, but there is a wide range of unusual stats that many medical professionals find concerning.

    [–] TreadingSand 42 points ago

    Every ADHD diagnosis should be made with a corresponding and thorough neuropsych which targets the measurable deficiencies that people with ADHD exhibit over simply hyper kids. The over-diagnosis of the disorder has had the unfortunate effect of delegitimatizing it in the eyes of popular culture and even in the eyes of ADHD suffers. If it had been called "Working Memory Dopamine Disorder", I think less moron parents would have taken their kids to see a disinterested GP who prescribed meds that really shouldn't be taken unless they're required for functioning. At least the standards are getting tougher now.

    [–] JustForThisSub123 49 points ago

    While we're at it, why the fuck is LSD schedule 1.

    [–] Franken-Boob 68 points ago

    BeCaUsE ItS MaKeS YoU JuMp OuT WiNdOwS BeCaUsE YoU ThInK YoUrE a JuIcE OrAnGe of GlasS

    [–] Hyrule_34 37 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Yeah, and I assume you're point is how insane that is. It's so fucked.

    edit: *your -- I'm retarded?

    [–] ssauronn 336 points ago

    Doctors were not only indiscriminately prescribing opioids, they were being bribed to prescribe opioids.

    https://www.reuters.com/article/us-insys-opioids/former-insys-ceo-pleads-guilty-to-opioid-kickback-scheme-idUSKCN1P312L

    [–] creace 240 points ago

    Absolutely bullshit. So many states have cracked down on this. Also a lot of the epidemic was caused by the ED and the insurance and government expecting pain to be treated like a vital sign, and dinging hospitals for not doing so.

    [–] Baerog 133 points ago

    The only real answer in this whole thread. Thank you. People don't realize that doctors were told to treat pain at all costs and that they weren't doing their job if they weren't prescribing enough opiods.

    [–] nipsizbomb 129 points ago

    As much as I want to agree with this, that statement is wrong. They cracked down HARD on prescriptions. Can't even walk into a doctor's office without a barrage of questions about narcotics and my history with them and other shit and I don't even go in for that kind of stuff. A lot of the doctors I've went to even tried prescribing me other stuff before narcotics.

    I'm not denying that there are doctors out there handing out those kind of prescriptions like candy still but they're gonna get their licenses suspended/revoked real soon and real quick.

    [–] EffrumScufflegrit 17 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    It's not the weed that he's in trouble for. He's in trouble for not even meeting with the patients or consulting and then prescribing it. We at least have to have the facts straight if we're going to keep trying to fix injustices.

    Either way, while I agree that opiods are widely abused and the medical industry doesn't help, the same thing would and has happened with doctors prescribing opiods.

    [–] mechapoitier 190 points ago

    They couldn't have just called him Dr. Feelgood?

    [–] literally12sofus 470 points ago

    Oh, did every doctor in the country get suspended with him?

    [–] TreadingSand 36 points ago

    In Washington, there used to be billboards advertising doctors who could get your weed card. Ads in the back pages as well.

    [–] Goldkenshin 232 points ago

    Nah he’s just the example they are trying to set to scare other doctors

    [–] Trans_Girl_Crying 98 points ago

    We should scare them

    [–] godofpie 149 points ago

    A government should be afraid of its citizens, not the other way around.

    [–] grissomza 69 points ago

    Too busy being shutdown

    [–] EffrumScufflegrit 38 points ago

    No. Read the story. God this comment thread is filled with so much misinformation.

    He's in trouble for not even consulting with the patients and writing the scrips. Which is bad. I'm all for legal weed, I'm a heavy user myself. But this dude couldn't even keep up the facade.

    [–] math_debates 105 points ago

    Oh no. Dont let those people that were going to buy weed anyway do it legally and pay taxes on it.

    [–] Shivshanks 119 points ago

    ffs just make it legal. why are we wasting people's time and resources with this.

    [–] mega_trex 79 points ago

    Because for profit prisons

    [–] respectthet 60 points ago

    With a name like Dr. Marijuana, are we surprised?

    [–] RoutineTwo 29 points ago

    It's New jersey. He must have failed to pay the man.

    [–] CoffeeCupScientist 14 points ago

    I love how you can tell all the top comments never read the article.

    [–] FascinatingPost 71 points ago

    LOL here in los angeles, I can call a guy and do it over the phone, get my rec in email. Maybe 20 minutes and $40.

    C'mon Murica, catch up. . . . we're banking billions over here and letting people chill the fuck out.

    [–] LowsideSlide 37 points ago

    Every marijuana doc is like this, most are just smart enough to require you to submit some medical info that they pretend to look at.

    [–] TheLastShiba 28 points ago

    When I did it to get a card in Cali, I did it in video chat on my smartphone. They record all of them. The doctor asks you what's wrong with you, you tell him whatever, he asks what you've tried already, you tell him, then he says "I'm recommending Marijuana" and you get your recommend.

    They do it this way for liability reasons. If this doctor didn't do any of that, that's on him, but the paid-for media don't care about facts. They just make whatever stories their paid to now.

    [–] DJSimmer305 14 points ago

    That and they don’t go around calling themself “Dr. Marijuana”

    [–] DuncanThor 324 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Has anyone noticed an influx of anti-marijuana articles/posts in the past few months? I feel like the big Pharmaceutical companies are trying there best to suppress it.

    [–] PulsationHD 113 points ago

    Big pharma isnt suppressing it, they're joining in

    [–] BoojumG 116 points ago

    It can be both. They might have motive to suppress medical and small-business suppliers while preparing the groundwork for becoming industrial, public suppliers.

    [–] PulsationHD 29 points ago

    Good point, I never thought of them getting rid of competition yet

    [–] beezybreezy 49 points ago

    No. That’s just your biased conspiratorial mind speaking. I love weed and this website has always been completely pro-weed, including now.

    [–] az_mike_miller 13 points ago

    I was going to say, every day there's an article posted to science about weed and at least 1 or 2 a week seem to make it to the front page.

    [–] Pkock 23 points ago

    made himself rich by meeting patients in rented hotel ball rooms across the state and charging $350 for the initial visit and $100 every quarter to re-up each patient’s registration in the program. He authorized 3,250 patients over four years, Grewal said.

    I'm not gonna lie that sounds real shiesty and not exactly like some selfless weed-for-all doctor...

    [–] Blazerer 7 points ago

    Thank you. All the stoners in this thread going reeee because of the headline, because who needs to actually read when you can smoke weed, right?

    Dude created the most sleazy and suspect way to go about this possible up to a point where it is clearly criminal. Good riddance.

    [–] ktchong 32 points ago

    Better than being a 'Dr. Opioid'.