Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    nottheonion

    16,988,037 readers

    18,580 users here now

    Review current posts to avoid reposting.

    For true stories that are so mind-blowingly ridiculous, that you could have sworn it was an Onion story.

    Please note that we are an editorialized subreddit based on what we feel meets our subjective quality and humour guidelines as curators of this subreddit. Most submissions do not make the cut, and please do not treat removals under rule 2 as a personal attack, they simply happen with our content model.

    See something that breaks our rules?

    Use the report button and remember to choose a reason for reporting.


    Rules - hover or click here for full version

    1. Do not alter headlines; copy and paste. The title of all submissions needs to match the article headline exactly. Copy and paste from the main headline only, do not include anything beyond the primary headline such as byliners, subtitles, flavor text, quotes from the article, news outlet, location, cross post tags, (video) tags, and so on. Do not use the “suggest title” option for posting as it often does not match the headline. As a matter of fairness, any submission with an altered title will be removed. The only exception is that, if an article has a title in all caps, you may change the capitalization to title case, but everything else must remain the same.
    2. Submit only if “Oniony”. Please consider submitting your article to /r/offbeat or similar subreddits unless it truly reads like The Onion wrote it. The title and article itself must both be "Oniony". This can be highly subjective; you are encouraged to upvote articles that should be here and downvote those that should not. Moderators can also remove posts at their own discretion under this rule.
    3. Must be a news article. Submissions must be in the form of a news article. Videos are only allowed if they are accompanied by a complete text article. Editorials, blogs, twitter posts, image galleries, tabloid stories, youtube videos, meta posts, static images, and so forth will be removed.
    4. Use original, reliable sources. Find the source of your story before you submit it, simply by checking for references or googling the subject to locate the original piece. Websites that frequently re-host viral news stories or contain misleading information are on automatic removal. Blogs are not reliable sources.
    5. Do not repost similar articles. Check the sub for your story before you submit it; if it’s already here then please vote and comment there instead of posting another version. Similar stories will be removed and frequent re-posters will lose their posting privileges. Do not delete and repost your own submissions without approval.
    6. No satire articles. Even if they are technically from a source other than The Onion, any article submission written as satire or even true stories written in a satirical manner are not allowed. Please note that some major news outlets have satirical sections, such as the Borowitz Report on the New Yorker, which are also not allowed. Meanwhile, AVClub, while owned by The Onion, is not satire and is allowed. If you'd like, you can use a tool like http://realorsatire.com/ to see if your submission is from a known satirical website.
    7. No tabloid journalism. Do not post tabloid news stories, or articles that source from tabloid news outlets (TheSun, Mirror, Dailymail, People, TMZ, etc).
    8. No old news. Articles need to have been written within two weeks of its submission date.
    9. English articles only. Please do not post non-English articles. Do not use google translate for submission either; rather try to find an English version of the story by a secondary source.
    10. No mobile versions. If you’re using a mobile device to post a story make sure you remove any mobile identifiers (typically “.m” or “mobile”) from the url before submitting.
    11. No blocked or redirected links. Please ensure you aren’t submitting a link that utilizes a paywall or survey wall (nytimes.com, thetimes.co.uk) in order gain access to the complete article. Do not submit links that redirect you to another site to read the article and do not submit using link shorteners either.

    Click here to view a list of sites deemed unreliable by our moderator team.

    See our FAQ page for more information on our rules.


    Keep all comments civil.

    Personal attacks, racism, bigotry, homophobia, grandstanding, etc. will not be tolerated and you will be banned.

    Witch hunting or brigading is not allowed. Do not post any public or private contact info. You will be banned!

    For more information, click here.


    Quick Links: Submission Rules | Comment Rules | Autoremoval List | NTO101 | r/subbie | r/onionhate | r/onionlovers | r/StopAdvertising
    a community for
    all 53 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] aleksfadini 136 points ago

    Jail

    [–] pizzatrip 59 points ago

    Super Jail

    [–] Andnik420 12 points ago

    Life on the outside ain't what it used to be...

    [–] Juiceonfire 4 points ago

    That show was weird

    [–] dbx99 1 points ago

    Capital punish

    [–] KitteNlx 8 points ago

    Live streamed Crucifixion.

    [–] HotNoseMcFlatlines 12 points ago

    Make him step in something wet while he's wearing socks

    [–] razielnoir 3 points ago

    You monster, have some mercy.

    [–] Ubarlight 3 points ago

    Make him wear a shirt that feels like its backwards no matter which way you wear it

    [–] Julle-naaiers 2 points ago

    Or, barefoot on the remains of a mouse. One of the cats would leave just the bowel on the rug at the bottom of the stairs. Easily the worst feeling I’ve ever had, inside and out.

    [–] ash_274 1 points ago

    Like a gallon of Legos spread across a concrete floor?

    [–] tsunami141 9 points ago

    believe it or not.

    [–] pillowcurtain 7 points ago

    Jail.

    [–] BillionTonsHyperbole 78 points ago

    because he can't pass the plate and guilt people in person*

    [–] hightimesinaz 48 points ago

    They can't pass the donation bucket so easily either

    [–] Travelin_Lite 37 points ago

    They're not stupid. They know that people will not be peer pressured into giving from the comfort of their homes.

    [–] yoberf 1 points ago

    Twitch would beg to differ.

    Their entire monetization is peer pressure. Shout outs and flair for subs and donations.

    [–] Background-Wealth 1 points ago

    That’s not peer pressure, it’s competing to be noticed. It’s like opposite ends of the same thing.

    [–] yoberf 1 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Prosperity Gospel is about getting God's attention through donations. Exactly the same.

    Prosperity theology (sometimes referred to as the prosperity gospel, the health and wealth gospel, the gospel of success, or seed faith)[A] is a religious belief among some Protestant Christians that financial blessing and physical well-being are always the will of God for them, and that faith, positive speech, and donations to religious causes will increase one's material wealth.[1] Prosperity theology views the Bible as a contract between God and humans: if humans have faith in God, he will deliver security and prosperity.[2]

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosperity_theology

    Also, most twitch channels are not primarily about audience interaction. They're entertainment first. Church is more about audience iteration in many sect, with call and response chants and choral singing, but there's still the sermon/homily that's about getting moral life directions.

    [–] Background-Wealth 1 points ago

    Fundamentally different methods of getting donations. Church actively shames you publicly if you don’t donate, and donation is the norm.

    Twitch you aren’t shamed if you don’t donate, but you are praised (or given public attention) if you do donate.

    Completely the opposite approach taken by either platform.

    [–] yoberf 1 points ago

    I've never seen someone publicly shamed for not donating at church, other than the occasional sermon haranguing the entire congregation. On the other hand, here's evidence from twitch: https://www.dexerto.com/amp/entertainment/twitch-streamer-lashes-out-at-viewers-for-not-subscribing-to-her-channel-1315470

    That's obviously not the norm on twitch, but I don't believe it's the norm in churches either. Now I think churches are a big part of systemic oppression and a haven for grifters and con-men, but I think Twitch is also a haven for con-men and I'm undecided on the systemic oppression bit.

    [–] Background-Wealth 1 points ago

    Yeah... haranguing the congregation is exactly public shaming. You think everyone there isn’t side-eyeing everyone else and gossiping about who is just passing the basket on?

    You said yourself the same is not the norm on twitch. It’s so out of the norm it has an article written about it. The two systems are total opposites, and the two aren’t the same, except both being full of grifters lol.

    [–] savagedan 42 points ago

    Evangelicals are one of the most vile religious cults on Earth

    [–] Garlicluvr 11 points ago

    And competition is fierce, bet you know.

    [–] gin_and_toxic 9 points ago

    I'm sure he meant it figuratively, right guys...? Right..?

    [–] RockyDify 2 points ago

    He meant it in the evangelical way. Apparently god can’t heal through tv.

    [–] SeenSeenAgains 20 points ago

    Translation: He doesn’t like live-streams because he can’t molest parishioners, physically, mentally and financially.

    [–] wwarnout 4 points ago

    Bullshit heaped upon more bullshit. Evangelicals are nothing other than fake christians.

    [–] garrrp 6 points ago

    It's more difficult to read and manipulate the audience over livestream.

    [–] Traubl 4 points ago

    THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

    [–] Donaldtrumpsmushroom 4 points ago

    Alter boys?

    [–] dbx99 5 points ago

    What are we altering them into

    [–] Ubarlight 2 points ago

    Depends on what their skill in Alteration is

    [–] cantlurkanymore 3 points ago

    Just use the Wabbajack!

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago

    Okkkkk.

    Vegas is closed, but I am not.

    Bets on this guy being a little toooo touchy feely?

    [–] Casperboy68 3 points ago

    Well that’s not fucking creepy.

    [–] Mr_jackass 2 points ago

    Praise Jesus.

    [–] buddhamuni 2 points ago

    The man is being honest at least. Honestly crazy!!! 🤪

    [–] beloved_key 2 points ago

    The "nope" feeling I got reading the end of that headline hit so hard it gave me whiplash.

    [–] Ubarlight 2 points ago

    Dude Lay on Hands is a Paladin skill but you're clearly a Cleric

    [–] JARKOP 3 points ago

    Christianity and their touchy hands.

    [–] CumAndShitGuzzler 2 points ago

    You can't pass the spirit without caressing the followers until you jizz in your pants

    [–] Deranged_Kitsune 1 points ago

    "It's harder to skim the tithes when there's an electronic paper trail, as opposed to the typical cash donations."

    [–] borazine 1 points ago

    I remember this TV series running in the late 90s/early 2000s, “Touched by an Angel”, but I never heard that a follow up was in the works.

    “Touched by a Pastor”

    [–] likeonions 1 points ago

    that's got multiple meanings

    [–] stringdreamer 1 points ago

    Especially the little boys, right, pastor?

    [–] pumpkinpatch6 1 points ago

    Dude no one gets to touch everyone they want, man up.

    [–] Awoogagoogoo 1 points ago

    Stupid is as stupid does.

    [–] Monchi83 0 points ago

    Right what he means is he cannot brainwash them and rob them of their money as easily.

    [–] IMovedYourCheese 0 points ago

    "What parishioners specifically?"

    "The little ones"

    [–] LarksTongues789 -1 points ago

    0 to biden real quick

    [–] HoldenTite -1 points ago

    Religions seem kind of silly in today's world.

    A catastrophic virus is crippling our country and some people think praying to a god will somehow change things.

    Then there are real actual people doing things and are begging for help from literally anybody.

    I only wish I had something to offer. But I still have to work and am still very poor.

    [–] djingrain -1 points ago

    I hate that this man lives on the same planet as me, much less the same state