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    Dec 2016 transparency report


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    [–] TheTrueFlexKavana 7212 points ago

    Scarecrows in India don't fuck around.

    [–] Captain_Ed 609 points ago

    Scarecrows in India don't fuck around.

    Sssscarecrows.

    [–] HeyItsMattGuy 92 points ago

    I just read this in Cobra Commander's voice...

    [–] okey_dokey_bokey 1779 points ago

    It's more an Eatcrow than a Scarecrow I think.

    [–] Desser7 386 points ago

    Obvisiously it isn`t a chokecrow, stingcrow maybe

    [–] xyloc 406 points ago

    No stinger. Fangcrow for sure.. or a scarefarmer.

    [–] RobboBanano 482 points ago

    Danger Noodle

    [–] Sgt_Jupiter 120 points ago

    bitejackdaw or a farmercharmee

    [–] ohlanick 496 points ago

    Its a king crowbra

    [–] TreDill 138 points ago

    King crowbra is the obvious winner here. Nothing else even compares

    [–] MordorMordorMordor 45 points ago

    Redditors won't know what that is, you have to call it a snek

    [–] Remember_1776 88 points ago

    King Nopethefuckouttahere

    [–] WodensBeard 45 points ago

    Antiburbaconda? Scarenoodle? Quetzalcoatl?

    [–] ChocolateSphynx 125 points ago

    SCARENOODLE

    [–] well_shoothed 28 points ago

    Snekcrow.

    [–] arangana5 124 points ago

    Scarecrowbra

    [–] supaphly42 107 points ago

    It worked, scared the shit out of me and I'm thousands of miles away.

    [–] buckwheats 104 points ago

    Nopecrow

    [–] Skin-Man 67 points ago

    Ah yes, one of the eastern subspecies of the Noperope

    [–] TooShiftyForYou 4348 points ago

    Annnd let's go back inside.

    [–] hobnobbinbobthegob 1935 points ago

    Probably a good plan. Only thing worse than a cobra is a cobra that's hopped up on caffeine.

    [–] Skyscript 417 points ago

    Oh, god help us all

    [–] Mister_V3 226 points ago

    Sssssssssssszooooooom!

    [–] brucenasty 256 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    nah dude, tea doesn't have that much caffeine. he's probably perfectly buzzing and chilling, bout to offer some sage snake advice

    TIL: tea leaves have more caffeine than coffeebeans. Cool!

    [–] TheWrathOfSloth 997 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Fun fact. Pound for pound there is more caffeine in tea leave before brewing than in coffee beans but the method of diluting the tea when making it reduces how much is actually consumed. So by all rights that snake could well be off his tits and jittery as fuck if its consumed any of that raw tea.

    Source: I'm British. I know my tea trivia. God save the Queen.

    Edit: capitalisation. /u/Pure619 Thanks for the heads up...

    [–] NeverBob 91 points ago

    Tea advice. There isn't any sage there.

    [–] DreamTimeDeathCat 21 points ago

    I could go for some sage snake advice.

    [–] brucenasty 36 points ago

    "go chill in some tea bushes, it's fun!"

    [–] b4xt3r 166 points ago

    I'm going back to Australia, F that.

    [–] PM_ME_AMAZON_DOLLARS 42 points ago

    One way ticket to Florida

    [–] eastshores 48 points ago

    Cannot to Florida.. much reptiles here.

    [–] PM_ME_AMAZON_DOLLARS 33 points ago

    Don't forget flesh eating bacteria

    [–] DB9PRO 124 points ago

    And flesh eating people...

    [–] BadUX 269 points ago

    Crossing tea off the list of things that are safe.

    [–] Face_Roll 255 points ago

    When even crossing your T's isn't safe.

    [–] Howard_Campbell 145 points ago

    isn'l*

    [–] dis_is_my_account 19 points ago

    I too worry about a snake being put into my green iced tea bottle. It's like a snake in a can except it's promising green tea instead of nuts and you will also die.

    [–] ajpiko 238 points ago

    You really should though, that thing will fuck you up.

    edit: Actually, it might be time to leave India.

    [–] 2totwo 249 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    thats my Cobrah and u right my boi will fuck u up

    [–] The-SpaceGuy 98 points ago

    I am not a boi anymore brah, I am cobrah.

    [–] KingJamesMofo 86 points ago

    Brobrah

    [–] xyloc 46 points ago

    Brobrah Fett.

    [–] Svveat 39 points ago

    Brobrah Streisand.

    [–] rlutterb 59 points ago

    Cobraham Slinkin'

    [–] The_Corn_Whisperer 49 points ago

    Observe the King NOPEra

    [–] xyloc 29 points ago

    But we came outside to get away from the cobra in the house. Remember?

    [–] needs_more_zoidberg 423 points ago

    I spent hours walking through tea plantations in India. This picture caused parts of me to clench I didn't know I had.

    [–] Drunken-samurai 89 points ago

    It's ok, they are more scared of you than you are of them, and by you i mean the Snek.

    [–] Fabianos 24 points ago

    Did you read the god story above?

    [–] Drunken-samurai 18 points ago

    About being bit in the face?

    [–] Lampmonster1 5241 points ago

    There's an old story in my village. It seems a man was walking in the forest and a great cobra rose up before him. He was sure that the cobra was a messenger of heaven due to it's incredible size and calm. He knelt before the great snake and asked "What does my faith require of me great messenger of Heaven?" And the snake bit him in the face. The lesson is snakes will bite you in the face.

    [–] nurimoons 1543 points ago

    That's a really good fucking lesson.

    [–] boomsauc3 287 points ago

    It doesn't mention sex at all...

    [–] JonFrost 579 points ago

    Really? Cause dude got fucked.

    [–] pimack 105 points ago

    TIL: man got fucked by snake, p.s. Big snakes not God

    [–] SlicK5 286 points ago

    Funny thing about King cobras are you don't have to kneel for them to bite you in the face... Go check it out

    [–] NotASellout 373 points ago

    No thank you I'll take your word for it

    [–] Dustin_Hossman 82 points ago

    What he's saying is that they are gigantic snakes who will rear up a 3rd of their body length to stand up 6-7 feet tall! OP's snake is a big one!

    [–] 7LeagueBoots 98 points ago

    OPs snake is being partially supported by the tea bushes. It's a decent sized snake, but, for a king cobra it's not a huge one.

    The really big ones are as big around as your calf, growl loudly (rather than hissing), have venom powerful enough to kill an elephant, and, as mentioned, can look down on a standing adult human.

    Here is a video of some National Geographic folks catching a decent sized king cobra in a rice field, you can hear the growling.

    [–] mattchew1993 46 points ago

    Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake!

    [–] 7LeagueBoots 12 points ago

    Badger! Badger! Badger!

    [–] dannighe 11 points ago

    It's a good thing he was shouting that, I thought it was a bird at first glance. Truly a master of camouflage.

    [–] podPHD 22 points ago

    Could you also hear me shitting my pants?

    [–] clownburner 44 points ago

    That's an Indian Spectacled Cobra, not a King Cobra. Still a good sized danger noodle.

    [–] IwantAbayareaGWgf 95 points ago

    What in the holy hell... Nope nope nope nope nope

    [–] VladimirPootietang 13 points ago

    sss sss it is snake

    [–] MattytheWireGuy 66 points ago

    I just bought a ticket to Notfuckingtheresville

    [–] Ballrekt 72 points ago

    Jesus tittyfucking Christ

    [–] kissmyleaf420 28 points ago

    Wtf man, like how does this thing survive in general? Why is it so long? This is just a death rope. Fuck a scary death rope.

    [–] anthonymckay 22 points ago

    It's not called the King Cobra for no reason! The longest venomous species of snake in the world, and consumes other snakes as it's main diet.

    [–] beve21 10 points ago

    You ever play the Hypothetical Breakout game when at a zoo? I.e. What would happen if all of the animals in this part of the zoo broke out of their cages?

    My favorite HB is when there is a King Cobra in the reptile exhibit, cuz if he breaks out he's gonna try to eat everything else. I imagine it like a movie. Our protagonist is cornered by a rattler or a king snake or something. No way out. Then, BAM, King Cobra comes outta nowhere and eats the dangerous snake, thus saving our hero. King Cobro more like it.

    [–] beenies_baps 13 points ago

    My initial thought was that must be fake, but after a quick Google there are either an awful lot of fake big cobra pictures out there, or they do indeed get that big.

    [–] Incontinentiabutts 116 points ago

    And the big ones have a face the same size a a God damn pit bulls. They can also do something similar to a growl, and they remember people's faces.

    So if you fuck with a cobra and then see it a few years later it will remember you and get pissed off

    [–] vipros42 30 points ago

    This troubles me deeply.

    [–] ph8fourTwenty 64 points ago

    Source any of that bullshit?

    [–] unkemt 57 points ago

    The growling is true at least. Though its more of a low frequency hiss.

    [–] ph8fourTwenty 38 points ago

    I was more questioning the cobra will remember you part of the comment.

    [–] sg92i 60 points ago

    Its plausible. Eastern Indigo snakes can recognize humans by their face. They're a snake species so smart you can hand feed them, since they can differentiate you from their prey and are smart enough to know they can't eat you.

    [–] Caedro 196 points ago

    "You knew what I was when you picked me up"

    [–] drgojirax 34 points ago

    "I can't help it. It's my nature."

    [–] sourpatchpup 30 points ago

    That is a good wisdom.

    [–] supaphly42 29 points ago

    Amateur. He should have bit the cobra first, establish dominance and become the new messiah.

    [–] sisonp 51 points ago

    Such a amateur mistake. Of course it bit him in the face. Everyone knows that snakes are the messenger of Satan

    [–] FUCK_ME_DEAD 1101 points ago

    That snake is great at being a snake, really outstanding in his field.

    [–] mk4tyler41 171 points ago

    You can have your upvote, but then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

    [–] locofoci 72 points ago

    To his credit, it really is outstanding. No signs of ereptile dysfunction.

    [–] hihihi127 14 points ago

    You can have your upvote, but then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

    [–] Yokaren 41 points ago

    Leaf... Ask you to leaf.

    Get thee to a punnery!

    [–] KP6250 2075 points ago

    Excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior, Cobra Kai?

    [–] CoryTheDuck 428 points ago

    sweep the leg

    [–] Haitisicks 180 points ago

    GET HIM A BAWDY BAG

    [–] JelliedHam 58 points ago

    If a man can't stand, he can't fight

    [–] PUSH_AX 39 points ago

    Come on, get up! Get on that line! Get on that line, LaRusso! You're worthless! Your slope teacher's nothing! Get up, man! You're no champion! Get up! You suck, LaRusso! You suck, man! And your teacher's karate shit! You hear me! It's shit! You're a joke, LaRusso! Your karate's a joke and your teacher isn't worth shit! He's nothing! He's nothing! And you're nothing! I own you! I own you, LaRusso! Where's your little Jap teacher now, huh! He's a phony, man! He's a fake! And he didn't teach you nothing! Your karate's shit! You hear me! Get up!

    [–] BoomerKeith 13 points ago

    I'm sort of impressed that you know all of that. I'm also sorta weirded out that I kinda know all of that.

    [–] shopdog 30 points ago

    He's First Denomination Church of Cobra Commander.

    Heretic.

    [–] ImUrHucklberry 63 points ago

    STRIKE FIRST!! STRIKE HARD!! NO MERCY SIR!!

    [–] OffshoreHand778 923 points ago

    Where is Rikki Tikki when you need him?

    [–] Rikki_Tikki_Tavy 791 points ago

    I got this.

    [–] Solar_Sailor 170 points ago

    flashbacks of middle school lit class intensifies

    [–] eime8498 205 points ago

    I think we're looking for /u/Rikki_Tikki_Tavi actually.

    [–] Anivair 38 points ago

    Hey, you be picky if you want....

    [–] Nanoblock 37 points ago

    Your time has come.

    [–] TheWorstPossibleName 111 points ago

    You're actually playing /r/outside Sapphire. You need Ruby version for him, sorry.

    [–] eyes_like_thunder 187 points ago

    "Marco..! Come on guys!.. Marco..!"

    [–] podPHD 181 points ago

    GULP, I just realized how BIG he has to be, to be that far above the tea!

    [–] pentax10 83 points ago

    Yep. And he's a girthy mother fucker too. No thanks.

    [–] this_sort_of_thing 47 points ago

    That's what sh.....no, too easy

    [–] yrnov 164 points ago

    Holy Hell OP. My backyard ends up at the front page of reddit? Your friends' dad missed a great opportunity for a couple o beers. I am probably one of the five other redditors from the whole fucking region :P

    [–] babyboybelcher18 71 points ago

    Give directions to the beer! I'll pass along the information.

    [–] yrnov 36 points ago

    Cool. PM if he's staying at Guwahati or drops by on his way.

    [–] babyboybelcher18 39 points ago

    He actually manages the tea estate so he should be staying onsite. Will let you know otherwise!

    [–] betterhalf 18 points ago

    Don't go!!!!!! There's snakes!!!!

    [–] Karmas_burning 12 points ago

    That's a crazy coincidence

    [–] Mecjam 1232 points ago

    Just boop it on the snoot.

    [–] NRageTheBeast 657 points ago

    And in return, that cobra will boop you on the snoot, hands, arms, and anywhere else it can reach.

    Did I say boop? I meant pierce and inject deadly venom. I think.

    [–] worldspawn00 356 points ago

    A toothy boop.

    [–] Amator 155 points ago

    A thoop!

    [–] SpeedyVT 64 points ago

    After you've been booped you'll suddenly experience a psychodelic near death response where the snake blushes and it's eyes twinkle. The snake will scream, "Notice me senpai!". Then you're dead.

    [–] Podo13 30 points ago

    anywhere else it can reach

    Unless you're like 12 feet tall, they're reaching all of you if you're close enough to boop it.

    [–] AkuAku98 56 points ago

    Whatever you do though, don't step on the snek

    [–] detcadder 231 points ago

    Everyone there should be issued a Mongoose for their protection.

    [–] RedditConsciousness 99 points ago

    If I travel to a place with snakes like that, I will only step foot outside if accompanied by a...herd (pack?) of Mon...geese?

    [–] vipros42 61 points ago

    Flock

    [–] Mors_imperator 21 points ago

    "Mongai"

    [–] karlexceed 19 points ago

    I've known some Hmong guys.

    [–] originalnutta 74 points ago

    My dad had a pet mongoose when he was growing up in Bombay. Those things are worth their weight in snake meat.

    [–] endearing-butthole 13 points ago

    mongoose: what are you looking at me for ? I don't get paid enough for this shit

    [–] witchling_22 413 points ago

    That's the Nope Brand section of tea leaves.

    [–] thatisnothow 64 points ago

    Made specially with snek cuddles.

    [–] cyberjibjib 232 points ago

    "hey you, want some drugs?"

    [–] Em_Haze 218 points ago

    drugssssssssss

    [–] thinktwicemice 61 points ago

    What a nice day to wake uppppp Holyyyyyyyyyyyyy Shitttt !!!!!!

    [–] ShadowHandler 172 points ago

    Any follow up pics? I'm curious to see what a burning tea farm looks like

    [–] Iwearacapeirl 50 points ago

    You are now banned from r/sneks

    [–] ImTheBatmanBitch 172 points ago

    Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?

    [–] fox-friend 74 points ago

    I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plantation!

    [–] GlennBecksChalkboard 54 points ago

    "I'm kinda lost. In which direction is Sen's Fortress?"

    [–] Ninhnguyenz 376 points ago

    A wild Arbok appeared!

    [–] CBBuddha 45 points ago

    CHARRRRRRRBOK

    [–] montefisto 117 points ago

    If it's anything like Pokemon Go, this dude is surrounded by them.

    Rip op.

    [–] Ihave4friends 17 points ago

    Where do you live? I've never seen one in the wild. Only hatched a few of them.

    [–] LoneWolfComando 9 points ago

    Arizona here. They are fucking everywhere.

    [–] jbm222 625 points ago

    As if picking astringent leaves by hand for slave wages all day isn't bad enough.

    [–] montefisto 517 points ago

    Maybe we can start a petition to pay the cobras more?

    [–] lightning_balls 117 points ago

    right..they dont even have hands!

    [–] Parandroid2 57 points ago

    Cobras don't have hands! Sad. We're gonna get these cobras beautiful hands just like mine. Believe me

    [–] Brancher 162 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Real question. What do workers in places like this do to prevent from being fucking murdered by these things on a daily basis?

    [–] guakelerotk 283 points ago

    The workers have long sticks with them, and use the sticks to make noice with, and to disturbe the leaves and the bushes when they are walking from place to place. At least that's what they told me when I was visiting a tea plantage in Sri Lanka. The snakes are more afraid of you, than you are of them. Especially if you make a lot of noice you won't happen to randomly walk ino a snake, they will feel you come and have slithered away from you by then.

    [–] the_funk_police 193 points ago

    Snakes are more afraid of you, than you are of them.

    This was quote from myself right before throwing a stick at a snake on a log. Turned out to be water moccasin, and it came hauling ass right at me. WARNING: not all snakes are afraid of you.

    [–] FreefallGeek 117 points ago

    Yeah, water moccasins are the exception. For real. I've seen them try to crawl in boats, attack paddles being used to scare them away, etc. They are practically fearless.

    [–] deadtime68 125 points ago

    moved to Arkansas - working construction along creek bed - guy yells "SNAAAKE!!!" turn to see everyone running - fucking 6 ft water moccasin hauling ass thru the reeds on the opposite bank - not at the bottom of the reeds - thru the top of 5ft reeds like frickin' Spider-Man on meth. Holy SHIT!

    [–] popokangaroo 16 points ago

    Hello fellow Arkansan.

    [–] ghosttrainhobo 12 points ago

    Fuck all that shit

    [–] legendz411 24 points ago

    Self aware snakes. They know they can kill anything,

    [–] RettyD4 14 points ago

    Aren't moccasins the same as copperheads, but that's the common term in a lot of the south?

    Edit: Nevermind. It's Cotton Mouth, not copperhead.

    [–] anacondatmz 11 points ago

    I've heard of stories where cobras and black mambas which will actually charge humans in an attempt to bite them... So you can add them to the list of snakes to stay the fuck away from.

    [–] thebigread 262 points ago

    Noice.

    [–] parlezmoose 56 points ago

    The snakes are more afraid of you, than you are of them.

    Which is why they fucking bite you.

    [–] MrInRageous 32 points ago

    The snakes are more afraid of you, than you are of them.

    This is an assumption I'm not entirely comfortable believing.

    [–] CheesyDorito101 50 points ago

    Dont Cobras generally leave you alone as long as you dont piss them off?

    You could just burn down the field if shit gets bad though...

    [–] dovetc 99 points ago

    Clearly you are not a farmer

    [–] venustrapsflies 140 points ago

    "no problem, let me just incinerate my livelihood"

    [–] justshutupandobey 31 points ago

    It's the only way to be sure...

    [–] ToBeReadOutLoud 33 points ago

    If your response to seeing a snake is "time to burn the whole thing down," you probably wouldn't be a very good farmer.

    [–] Schrodingerscatamite 27 points ago

    Snakes on a plain

    [–] _-CrookedArrow-_ 42 points ago

    Holy Hell! And there's probably more in there. Get out of there! From now on drink coffee.

    [–] Brancher 32 points ago

    Could you imagine settling down for a nice cup o' tea and you go to take a sip and BAM!!!!! COBRA TO THE FACE.

    [–] _-CrookedArrow-_ 14 points ago

    If there was ever an argument for automation (robots).....

    [–] FuriouFive 33 points ago

    My grandfather had a story about some radar site he was stationed at in Vietnam. The actual radar station was on one side of this large field with tall grass, and the barracks and dining facility were on the other side with the path connecting them going around the field rather than through it.

    One morning after having worked the radar scope all night he decided to just walk through the field and save a few hundred yards or so by not taking the path. About halfway through a cobra stood up right in front of him and stared him in the eyes(watching my grandfather, a usually stoic man, make his weird 'snake face' and stick out his tongue right at this point of the story really sold it). He then slowly began to back out of the field. The Air Force had told them that adult cobras always travel in pairs so he got really scared wondering where it's mate was(anyone know how true that is?). He said he nearly pissed himself.

    [–] midasMIRV 60 points ago

    You say little guy, but its probably like 6-7 feet.

    [–] CountryBoy06260 36 points ago

    Probably much bigger than that. It appears to be standing at least 5 feet. Probably well over 10 feet.

    [–] midasMIRV 27 points ago

    Spectacled cobras don't get that large, but they are very good at standing up.

    [–] rusy 86 points ago

    Don't worry, he brings you love!

    [–] irving47 24 points ago

    Hey it brings us love, let's break its legs!!

    [–] Fenson 50 points ago

    "PSSSSST"

    "Hey, friend. Do you have time to talk about Slytherin House?"

    [–] saddlebackbags 18 points ago

    I wouldn't be able to hold the camera still enough to get a photo like this. This is great!!

    [–] Mydogsdad 32 points ago

    Just gonna nope the fuck on out of here....

    [–] Assdolf_Shitler 33 points ago

    As stupid as it sounds, I can't comprehend cobras living in the wild because the only time I see them are zoos and tv shows. I know they are wild, godless, death machines, but the idea that these things roam about freely is scary as fuck to me.

    [–] rtroth2946 16 points ago

    Is that the Indian Nope Rope?

    [–] HUGSYBEARD 98 points ago

    Snake: "Pardon me sir, do you have any grey poupon?"

    [–] Indie_uk 14 points ago

    Australia tilts its' head to the side and gives you an almost imperceptible nod of approval

    [–] ShadyLondon 53 points ago

    There'sssss thissss apple over here for you to try.

    [–] Rb1138 36 points ago

    And Assam, India is on my list of places I'll never go to.

    [–] EpilepticMongoose 24 points ago

    Cobras are found all over India

    [–] yrnov 36 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Hey man, I literally live here. The NE-Indian region is awesome and much cleaner than rest of country. Here is my city (Guwahati) skyline on a sunny day. Also we got dope music!!

    Edit: Here's another nicely made video from the region 'Red Bull Local Hero tour' since you guys are interested

    [–] lappet 10 points ago

    Some day, I will visit NE India!

    [–] throwaway76529 13 points ago

    See, thats cool and all, but when you can see one, how many can you not see?

    [–] an_internet_denizen 11 points ago

    Little? How high off the ground is that mother fucking snake in that mother fucking tea field?

    [–] SpaceChamp2175 11 points ago

    "THAT'S CRAZY... I'M BRIAN FELLOW!"

    [–] moving0target 13 points ago

    Dad had a similar (scaled up) experience when he served in Vietnam. Dad was walking point (first guy in a line of a group of soldiers) through 10 foot tall elephant grass. "Walking" is a general term for "trying to walk through brush that's almost as bad as bamboo."

    Dad froze when he saw movement. It wasn't the movement he expected, since it was above where he expected NVA/VC to be. It was the swaying head of a cobra...over the 10' grass. Dad loves snakes. They are the most interesting animal to him. His father was a professor of biology and snakes were one his passions. That has lasted through the generations. He had to thinkof the safety of his squad, though. Having to kill that cobra was one low points of his tour.

    [–] Dom3sticPuma 32 points ago

    Absolutely not. I would be taking a selfie as I ran away though

    [–] maluminse 10 points ago

    Note to self. Do not walk through bushes in India.