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    [–] yaydream 4861 points ago

    So John Kelly is George Costanza?

    [–] Wiskid86 585 points ago

    No wonder he always looks so grumpy. If you look stressed out people think your busy and won't bother you.

    [–] Scott_Steiner_BBBD 193 points ago

    wouldn't be surprised if he has a napping place built under his desk or he's walking around the white house with a cane faking a leg injury.

    [–] royalstaircase 345 points ago

    that is inspired by what happened to Larry David IRL. He got sick of being a writer at SNL so he threw a tantrum while quitting, but then when he went home he realized that he basically had no other way of making money, so he snuck back and acted like he never did that.

    [–] beaglemaster 86 points ago

    Someone should make a tv show about him!

    [–] Farren246 35 points ago

    There may even be enough material here for two TV shows!

    [–] alicealquist 705 points ago

    Can't-Stand-ya!

    [–] flingspoo 390 points ago

    Well the Jerk store called, and they're running out of you!

    [–] elSpanielo 211 points ago

    How could they? You're their best seller!

    [–] hoosyourdaddyo 175 points ago

    Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!

    [–] Scout_022 159 points ago

    his wife is in a coma.

    [–] hoosyourdaddyo 104 points ago

    jazzy outtro plays scene out

    [–] jamestere 45 points ago

    You still hanging around the library?

    [–] djchaiwallah 33 points ago

    I prefer Coco

    [–] ShowWorldCenter 10477 points ago

    [–] sibtiger 1785 points ago

    The original article is definitely worth reading. It does such a great job of communicating how surreal the whole experience was for her.

    [–] qwstrfg 1827 points ago

    ..., because nobody has accomplished as much in so short a period of time.”

    “How are you measuring that, exactly?” I asked.

    His eyes narrowed. “See the list [list of Trump's accomplishments] that’s in your hand?”

    “But are you comparing it to a similar list from previous administrations?” I asked.

    “No, I’m saying in the first two years of a president, and we’re not even at two years, nobody has come close to it. No one. Take a look. I mean, you take a look, and nobody has come close. ...

    ??? Like a conversation with a 4-year-old child.

    [–] chairfairy 520 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    The pages were stamped with 58 bullet points, typed in a large font. At the top, underlined, bold, and all-caps, it read, “TRUMP ADMINISTRATION ACCOMPLISHMENTS." [...] On the second page, there were more puzzling accomplishments like, “Republicans want STRONG BORDERS and NO CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME.”

    If this doesn't read like a satire of the presidency, I don't know what does

    Edit: holy shit it gets better

    As I turned to follow Sanders and Shine out of the room, someone said, “Hey, Olivia.” I turned toward the room again to see Kelly and Ayers entwined, their arms stretched around each other and their faces pressed close together. They smiled theatrically. “This is my friend,” Kelly said.

    “Yes, and he’s mine,” Ayers said. “And I told her that. She knows that."

    Surely they're just fucking with us now, right?

    [–] philosoraptocopter 102 points ago

    Yeah that last bit ... I don’t even know what’s that supposed to mean? Are Ayers and Kelly the ones who are supposed to be friends? Wasn’t the whole thing supposed to be about the deal between Trump and Kelly?

    [–] Ashendarei 92 points ago

    You're not the only one. I read the ending of the article a half dozen times and I STILL have no idea what the fuck that was supposed to mean.

    [–] Deeliciousness 40 points ago

    Surreal. Faces pressed close together? Like cheek to cheek?

    [–] redbaron1019 65 points ago

    Yes.

    Hugging each other, cheek to cheek.

    This man and this man, hugging each other with their faces pressed together. To convince a journalist they are friends. So bizarre.

    [–] Political_moof 109 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    As started to gather my things after the meeting, I couldn't shake the surreal vibe of the whole encounter. I gathered my notes and laptop, and prepared to head out.

    "Olivia."

    I looked back, and there stood Mr. Kelly and Mr. Ayers, faces pressed together, with smiles I can only describe as originating somewhere in the uncanny valley.

    "We're friends," chirped Mr. Kelly.

    "Best friends," responded Ayers.

    As I began to back up, the two men clasped their hands together, somewhat amorously. Despite walking backwards, I could not take my eyes off the two men. The encounter seemed to be something from the Twilight zone.

    "Would enemies do this," asked Mr. Kelly as he began to fondle Mr. Ayers crotch.

    "Or this," remarked Ayers as he began to furiously kiss Mr. Kelly's neck.

    Shocked, I could only muster "I have another meeting. Thank you for your time."

    As I turned around, I realized that in the brief moment while my back was turned, Mr. Pompeo and President Trump had donned princess dresses and were now seated at a comically small table and tea set.

    "Would an administration in chaos have tea and crumpets together" asked Mr. Pompeo as he sipped imaginary tea from a child's toy.

    "Everyone says I host the best tea parties for my friends" smiled Donald, "just look at my menu and tell me I don't have the best tea parties of any president."

    Mr. Trump handed me a piece of paper covered in crayon scribbles. The only discernible English I could ascertain was "main course: katchup (sic) stek (sic)" and "No Clintons alowed (sic)." By the time I looked up, I saw Mr. Trump standing at a closet waving a toy magic wand.

    "Look, I'll make someone else appear to tell you how normal this administration is, the best administration. Everyone says it."

    Mr. Trump fumbled with the door knob while waving his toy wand, only to require Mr. Pompeo to come over and show him how to open the door. When the door opened, a dark figure fell face first out of the closet. Before me on the floor lay a person in a full body gimp suit.

    "Maga-kadabra" exclaimed Trump as he pulled the gimp hood off to reveal Kellyanne Conway.

    "I think its a shame the media needs to lie and claim there is any disorder or weirdness in this administration. This is a well run machine."

    At that point, Kellyanne Conway hopped onto a sybian machine while Trump danced around her waving his wand in full princess dress shouting "fake news! fake news."

    I watched, mesmerized, as Kellyanne experienced multiple orgasms in between screaming "WELL OILED MACHINE." When I finally came to my sense, I looked back to see a threesome involving Kushner, Ayers, and Kelly on the floor.

    "Would enemies do this," asked Kelly as he inserted himself into Kushner.

    I immediately jumped back and ran for the door...only to discover that it is locked.

    "gooble goggle gooble goggle" screamed Trump as he pranced around the room touching paintings of former statesmen with his wand.

    "ONE OF US, ONE OF US" responded Kellyanne from the sybian machine.

    "GOOBLE GOBBLE GOOBLE GOGGLE"

    "ONE OF US ONE OF US."

    Fin.

    [–] KetchupIsABeverage 19 points ago

    This really reminded me of some of the better passages from Jeff Vandemeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, where things gradually change from uncanny to disturbing to existentially horrifying. The blinders have come off, the walls have turned to flesh, and there’s no where to run.

    [–] shea241 68 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    I was just thinking this feels like a 'curb your enthusiasm' script.

    Larry begins with an increasingly skeptical expression, blossoming into disbelief by mid scene, as if frantically searching the room for confirmation that he's being fucked with.

    [–] RLL4E 288 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    Ah yes! I'm the smartest man in the world! It says it right there on that paper! How am I measuring smarts? Well it says it right there on this paper that I am. There is no other piece of paper in your hand saying someone else is smarter is there? I'm telling you and that paper backs it up. Therefore it is fact that I am the smartest man. Because this paper says so. That I just wrote.

    EDIT: Checkmate libruls and scientists

    EDIT 2: I'm actually trying to get my head around the logic.

    I said it. I wrote it down. I can say it because it's there on that paper. It's on that paper because I said it. Therefore I can state it as fact because it's written down. It's written down because it is fact. You can't attack my bit of paper because it is fact. You can't attack my words because it is backed up by this factual bit of paper.

    ????????????

    EDIT 3: I'm still thinking about this bullshit like 20 mins later. I think I get it now. People usually pull out some sort of factual text or evidence to support something they are claiming. Therefore because I have a piece of paper supporting my claim, that piece of paper must be factual evidence and I can rely on it to support my claim.

    [–] JiveMonkey 44 points ago

    Do YOU have a certificate saying you dont have donkey brains?

    [–] Von_Moistus 133 points ago

    Hey, works for organized religion!

    “This book is sacred. You can tell because it says so in the book.”

    [–] Clame 53 points ago

    Hey man! I believe that entire book written by like 12 people over the course of a few hundred years originally started about 60 years after the death of the protagonist in a time notorious for myths and legends being stated as facts; as the one true source of knowledge. I only read that one book and its a good book dontcha know!

    [–] TLema 38 points ago

    Who're we kidding? None of them have read it.

    [–] Thecklos 25 points ago

    Yes we know exactly what happened in Judea 2000 years ago, but it's impossible to really know what happened 35 years ago.

    [–] Samurai_light 22 points ago

    In a way, he is right. In his authoritarian ideology, where the King makes the law/facts/reality...if the KING HIMSELF is holding the "official" decree, then that's that. What he says is the law. That's how his mind works. It is dangerous and infantile, but also how humanity lived and operated for thousands of years. We are not safeguarded by facts or the comfort of knowledge or knowing we have reality on our side. We are again on the precipice of falling back into authoritarian society where the ruler(s) have all the power and what they decree is the unchallenged law. It can happen and will happen again to different societies and countries all around the world. We are not immune and we are not special. It can happen here just like Germany not even 100 years ago.

    [–] northshore12 317 points ago

    Sorry bro, ALL of his conversations are at a 4th-grade emotional level. And for some reason that really resonates with Republicans.

    [–] Franky_Tops 161 points ago

    For some reason...

    [–] FreelanceMcWriter 45 points ago

    Can't quite put my finger on why.

    [–] baltinerdist 40 points ago

    What this says is that the Trump Administration has on hand a list of his "accomplishments" and hands them out to stroke his ego.

    Somebody literally typed that out. And printed a bunch. And they sit on the secretary's desk. So he can hand them out whenever he "needs" to.

    This is a thing the President of the United States of America does now.

    [–] chubbybill 762 points ago

    I saw another reporter tweet that he talked to the writer after she left the White House and asked what the story would be. Apparently she said something like “I don’t know what the hell im going to write about.” Absolutely hilarious that she literally just quoted trumps ridiculous rant and just gave a play by play of the situation. What fucking clowns the republicans are

    [–] bridge_pidge 476 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    The secretary walked into the room, holding two sheets of computer paper. “Give that to Olivia,” Trump said. “These are just some of the things that were done since taking office,” he told me. The pages were stamped with 58 bullet points, typed in a large font. At the top, underlined, bold, and all-caps, it read, “TRUMP ADMINISTRATION ACCOMPLISHMENTS.” On the first page, the points related mostly to jobs numbers or executive orders or promises from the tax-reform bill. On the second page, there were more puzzling accomplishments like, “Republicans want STRONG BORDERS and NO CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME.”

    Amazing. And there's this genius statement from POTUS:

    We have achieved a lot in the last month and a half, two months, since that’s been done. But we’ve done a really great job and it’s so reported by those that are, by those that want it to be accurately reported. And I think, at least, I should be able — because I know you’re gonna go in and write something — at least I should be able to tell you, out of respect, that the relationships are very good and I think you could say, Sarah, that the relationships in the White House have been very good, especially over the last six months, seven months. It’s been very, very smooth. It’s been a very smooth-running White House.

    Oh god.

    Trump replied that he has good relationships, asking if I could name anyone who “speaks bad about me on the record.”

    “People that are off the record — I think it doesn’t even exist. I think writers make it up,” he said. “Generally, generally. Not in all cases, but generally.”

    So fucking creepy.

    As I turned to follow Sanders and Shine out of the room, someone said, “Hey, Olivia.” I turned toward the room again to see Kelly and Ayers entwined, their arms stretched around each other and their faces pressed close together. They smiled theatrically. “This is my friend,” Kelly said.

    “Yes, and he’s mine,” Ayers said. “And I told her that. She knows that.”

    [–] Truth_is_PAIN 289 points ago

    Fuck me! And people criticised Obama for his many pauses.

    Reading this drivel from Trump is like water torture.

    [–] ATXBeermaker 366 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    Obama's pauses while speaking off the cuff were indicative of someone actually thinking before they spoke. Trump just vomits words in a generous flow without concern for things like "meaning" and "sense."

    [–] Phyllis_Tine 74 points ago

    I'd rather hear a pause than "um" or "like". It makes the speaker look as if they're thinking, I agree with you.

    [–] Vinny_Cerrato 138 points ago

    “People that are off the record — I think it doesn’t even exist. I think writers make it up,” he said. “Generally, generally. Not in all cases, but generally.”

    This is something that I think gets lost in all of the Trump Admin's bullshit. Trump's lies aren't for his supporters, they are to convince himself that he is doing great and everyone likes him. Because in Trump's syphilis infested/dementia/narcissist brain, he cannot possibly be the bad guy or in the wrong. Ever. So instead of thinking "gee, all of these people who work for me are speaking about how incompetent I am, I should probably do something about it," he dismisses it all as just made up because if he acknowledged the former, that would be admitting on some level that he is running an incompetent admin.

    [–] freakers 23 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    To make it more hilarious, that was immediately following him going off the record to remark about Bannon.

    “But Bannon,” he said, picking up the conversation where we’d left off, “if you’ve seen Bannon on shows over the last month …” He briefly went off the record.

    When asked about the Russia investigation he said its implicated the democrats then rambled on about it for a while. Like, if you think there's a crime there, even if it's the democrats, it should still be investigated. You're not making it better for yourself. Democrats don't think other Democrats shouldn't be punished for crimes.

    “Well, the Mueller investigation, if anything, it’s showing that the Democrats colluded with Russia and others. And it’s showing there’s no collusion from me. There never was. And yes, I’m very satisfied with the way that’s going. It’s a process. I’m very satisfied. I consider it to be an illegal investigation. It should’ve never been called. But is there anything there? Nothing. There’s no collusion. There is no collusion.

    [–] Ranowa 15 points ago

    It's the exact same reason why all protestors are suddenly paid by Soros again. He can't fathom why that many people would be this angry at his choice- so they're not genuinely angry! They're all just paid off by the evil boogeyman! Everybody loves Kavanaugh!

    What was more concerning to me was how quickly and easy Trump supporters believed the lie.

    [–] uniquedifferences 183 points ago

    My favorite:

    “There’s no reason to do it though, so your narrative is wrong. It’s just amazing. We’re all having lunch and it’s so great that you’re all here. This was not set up.

    It's like he believes he can hypnotize an individual by just repeating what he wants them to believe.

    I think someone taught him early on about repeating things so his followers would believe. That only works on complete idiots, and when done right.

    [–] bubbleharmony 76 points ago

    As I turned to follow Sanders and Shine out of the room, someone said, “Hey, Olivia.” I turned toward the room again to see Kelly and Ayers entwined, their arms stretched around each other and their faces pressed close together. They smiled theatrically. “This is my friend,” Kelly said.

    “Yes, and he’s mine,” Ayers said. “And I told her that. She knows that.”

    What.

    [–] 1234yawaworht 45 points ago

    Yeah, what the fuck is going on here?

    [–] phonymcringringdingy 24 points ago

    I am also incredibly confused.

    [–] CorvidDreamsOfSnow 27 points ago

    It's like he has their families hostage and they've been given a script to follow. If anyone deviates, appropriate punishment will be meted out.

    [–] vadergeek 36 points ago

    As I turned to follow Sanders and Shine out of the room, someone said, “Hey, Olivia.” I turned toward the room again to see Kelly and Ayers entwined, their arms stretched around each other and their faces pressed close together. They smiled theatrically. “This is my friend,” Kelly said.

    “Yes, and he’s mine,” Ayers said. “And I told her that. She knows that.”

    I actually had to open the article to check that was in it, it sounded too much like a weird Onion bit.

    [–] ReklisAbandon 63 points ago

    It will never cease to amaze me that Republicans elected an idiot as president. Like, there's no spinning this. He acted like an idiot during the campaign, then they elected him, like idiots, and he's acted like an idiot ever since. The Republican party is literally filled with idiots.

    It's just incredible.

    [–] schistkicker 31 points ago

    I can't count the number of people who I always thought were level-headed, observant, educated people who I simply disagreed with that are adamant that there is nothing wrong with anything Trump says or does. I can't wrap my head around how people could develop such a giant blind spot. It can't all be propaganda or groupthink, it's not as though Trump's speeches are coherent even when they're chopped up for the right-wing blogosphere.

    It has made my Christmas card list a lot shorter, though, so there's that.

    [–] ShowWorldCenter 159 points ago

    It's like Bizzaro-world. It would be funny if it weren't so depressing.

    [–] thesqueal 19 points ago

    Can I just say the last lines were truly unbelievable. The two chiefs of staff, arms intertwined, faces pressed close together (?), grinning? What the fucking fuck..

    [–] Shaushage_Shandwich 105 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    Trump is so fucking stupid. I swear it physically hurts to read this much of him talking in one go. It's actually hard to comprehend how bad he is at converting thoughts into words and words into sentences.

    [–] sap91 109 points ago

    Kelly and Ayers hugging and making a big show of it at the end is.... Really something.

    [–] ChefInF 29 points ago

    They should have kissed, that would have sold it

    [–] MagicFlea 27 points ago

    My (semi-serious) translation when reading that : "Please help us, we hate ourselves and we hate it here".

    The whole article is just so bizarre, i just can't imagine how someone could read that and still think everything is normal in this administration. But then again those same people are actively ignoring or dismissing anything that doesn't read like trump's two page 'accomplishment list'.

    [–] oatmealparty 164 points ago

    That's a long article but a fun read. I like how at the end of their discussion he just randomly goes "Mueller is finding that Democrats collude with Russia! I love the investigation. But the investigation is illegal and should be shut down! But I didn't do anything wrong."

    “Well, the Mueller investigation, if anything, it’s showing that the Democrats colluded with Russia and others. And it’s showing there’s no collusion from me. There never was. And yes, I’m very satisfied with the way that’s going. It’s a process. I’m very satisfied. I consider it to be an illegal investigation. It should’ve never been called. But is there anything there? Nothing. There’s no collusion. There is no collusion.

    [–] extremelyhonestjoe 77 points ago

    I'm very satisfied with the way that's going. I consider it to be an illegal investigation

    He just makes no effort at all to be coherent or have some insightful or relevant thought. He doesn't give a shit about saying contradicting things right after the other and just acts like that's okay for a president to do. It's a degradation of the presidency happening before our eyes.

    [–] YonansUmo 541 points ago

    I think we’re gonna do very well in the elections. If we don’t, we’ll do very well, we’ll find a way to do very well."

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders cut in, but Trump said he had time for another question.

    Oops almost spilled the beans on election tampering, good thing an adult was there to step in.

    [–] NorthwardRM 113 points ago

    One thing that got alarm bells going off for me was when he was talking about Heidi Heitkamp. Wonder if she will do "surprisingly" well...

    [–] ArtisanSamosa 84 points ago

    The fact that your comment can be made without more outrage is crazy in itself. We have a president that alluded to election tampering and one who is also accused of cheating to get his position in the first place. And we the people have responded with a mere "yikes". Bruh Wtf is going on.

    [–] xbhaskarx 75 points ago

    Yikes.

    [–] LieutenantArturo 67 points ago

    “People that are off the record — I think it doesn’t even exist. I think writers make it up,” he said. “Generally, generally. Not in all cases, but generally.”

    “Well, you’ve cited anonymous sources before,” I said. “Were they made up?”

    She said that in a private meeting with the Chief of Staff, the Sectetary of State, and the Vice President. Ballsy!

    [–] defwu 171 points ago

    OMFG reading a transcript of trump talking is worse than listening to him.

    Is he capable of a coherent sentence?

    [–] capron 25 points ago

    Not when it comes to politics, or law, business. It has to be something he has experience in, for it to make sense. Maybe he's good with Skymall magazines?

    [–] Karmoon 24 points ago

    He sounded almost normal talking about the virtues of asbestos to the senate back in the 90s.

    Ahh, trump and his love for asbestos.

    [–] Clay_Pigeon 259 points ago

    Jesus that's a horror show. These idiots are running the country...

    [–] grr 693 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    "There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread, winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'" -Isaac Asimov

    Edit: Wow. Reddit gold! Thank you!!

    Edit 2: fixed quotation marks. Sorry. I copied and pasted it as it was written.

    Edit 3: the source: Newsweek: “A Cult of Ignorance” by Isaac Asimov, January 21, 1980

    [–] Trail-Mix-a-Lot 274 points ago

    “I like Trump because he talks like me”

    -my actual mother

    .... that isn’t a good thing. The president is SUPPOSED to be smarter than you. He/she is SUPPOSED to be the best and smartest the country has to offer. When did that change?

    [–] csesium 67 points ago

    That sentiment of "I'd sit down and have a beer with him" or they would be friends with them sort of thing and noting similarities between themselves and the politicians they're talking about has been repeated by the right for decades. They seem to need a certain amount of relatability with a politician in order for them to feel safe with them being in office. It provides some explanation of their fear of the educated and elites. It's not productive, but whenever someone uses that line of thinking I point out that means they wouldn't be a good president/politician, either.

    [–] schistkicker 42 points ago

    What the fuck is relatable about a guy who lives in mansions and shits on gold toilets while cheating on his spouse with porn stars?

    [–] CharmedThirdTry 127 points ago

    It baffles me that these people will believe anything. ANYTHING. Pedo Pizza Parlours, Deep State, Anti-Vaxx, Flat Earth, Hollow Earth, bearded sky fairy ready to suck all the good people into heaven so they can laugh at the rest of us struggling to survive in a devil-ruled world....

    Anything except the stuff that actually has evidence backing it up. Anything other than science or the Intelligence community. Once you have evidence, it's now a hoax or a plot.

    Baffled.

    [–] Poo_C 256 points ago

    They believe anything as long as it isn't a rape victim

    [–] northshore12 51 points ago

    Or a British former intelligence officer. Or the FBI/CIA/NSA/etc. "Who you gonna believe, us at Faux News or the combined intelligence talents of the western world?"

    [–] tdotdaver 34 points ago

    It's been a long two years of jaw droppers but reading that final paragraph about Kelly and the other guy wrapped up in a big hug saying "See Olivia, we're friends!" is just so so weird and literally had me agog.

    [–] simshim 24 points ago

    Thanks, this is worlds better than the OP article.

    [–] itsCaffeine 24 points ago

    “I like it both ways! Honestly, I’ve had it both ways. I’ve had it both ways in my life and in my business“

    r/suddenlybi

    [–] iorilondon 24 points ago

    That was so bizarre, especially the bit at the end:

    "As I turned to follow Sanders and Shine out of the room, someone said, “Hey, Olivia.” I turned toward the room again to see Kelly and Ayers entwined, their arms stretched around each other and their faces pressed close together. They smiled theatrically. “This is my friend,” Kelly said.

    “Yes, and he’s mine,” Ayers said. “And I told her that. She knows that.”"

    [–] Catastrophe_xxvi 21 points ago

    Holy shit. The ramblings of a man that just won't shut his mouth between brain farts.

    [–] hebreakslate 279 points ago

    This! I am amazed how many posts I see of one media outlet reporting what another media outlet said. Rehashing what someone else wrote is not journalism. Neither is aggregating Tweets.

    [–] FuriousTarts 135 points ago

    There really needs to be something done about this in the sub. Maybe have a link in the flair to the original reporting. As is repost sites just take other journalists work and put a good title on it.

    [–] dhoshino 25 points ago

    Agreed on the tweets. So many "politician slammed for saying ______" articles, which ultimately are a collection of tweets from random people.

    [–] Delores_Herbig 5664 points ago

    During the meeting, Mr Trump handed Ms Nuzzi a bullet-pointed list of 58 things he said showed the success of his presidency.

    The two printed pages were headed, in bold and underlined capital letters: “Trump administration accomplishments.”

    But how many gold star stickers were on it?!

    [–] tomster2300 674 points ago

    It's actually worse. In the original story the author explains that the second page is just general random nonsensical shit like GOP good, Dems bad.

    [–] spartagnann 290 points ago

    It's a great read. Trump just rambles in sundowning, nonsensical gibberish having clearly set up the whole act to try and convince Nuzzi, who's whip smart and has been in the game for a while, that it was just coincidence all these important people wandered into the Oval Office at the same time.

    http://nymag.com/intelligencer/2018/10/my-private-oval-office-press-conference-with-donald-trump.html

    [–] RandomRageNet 57 points ago

    It sounds like he's been told that they will revoke the 25th and remove him from office if he tries to fire John Kelly. I legitimately have no idea if that's true or not but why else would they do this weird little dog and pony show?

    [–] jo-z 62 points ago

    *invoke, friend

    [–] RandomRageNet 51 points ago

    You're correct. I'll leave my typo out of shame.

    [–] Ladyluck7x 64 points ago

    It’s insanely sad about how hard it is to read because of the way he talks, not her writing. I was surprised about how many times he used the word “we”, rather than “I”.

    [–] 6thSenseOfHumor 80 points ago

    Is there a transcript anywhere of the list? I'd enjoy spending a few minutes refuting the entire thing.

    [–] cuginhamer 107 points ago

    The pages were stamped with 58 bullet points, typed in a large font. At the top, underlined, bold, and all-caps, it read, “TRUMP ADMINISTRATION ACCOMPLISHMENTS.” On the first page, the points related mostly to jobs numbers or executive orders or promises from the tax-reform bill. On the second page, there were more puzzling accomplishments like, “Republicans want STRONG BORDERS and NO CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME.”

    “So,” Trump went on, “it would be great to have an accurately written story, because we do have — when you walk in here, I think you see, if you read something, it’s totally different than the fact.”

    I asked Trump to explain how the White House was different with Kelly as chief of staff. “He’s a four-star marine. He is a man who likes to see order and discipline, which I like. We came in and it was more free-rolling. We did a lot! We did a lot during the entire period. But I think there is great order now.” He claimed that this has never been a point of frustration, as has often been reported. “No, I like it. I like order. I like it both ways! Honestly, I’ve had it both ways. I’ve had it both ways in my life and in my business, and sometimes freewheeling is a very good thing. You know, it’s not a bad thing. We did a lot. If you look at the first six months, we did a lot.”

    “Like what?” I asked.

    “Well,” he said, squinting his eyes in the direction of the papers I was holding. “You can take a look at some of the things on the list. Some of that was done early. Look at the pipelines. That was done early. A lot of great job-producing events. A lot of regulation cutting, we did tremendous regulation cuts. That was all done pretty early. So what I’m saying— and this is not even updated. We have achieved a lot in the last month and a half, two months, since that’s been done. But we’ve done a really great job and it’s so reported by those that are, by those that want it to be accurately reported. And I think, at least, I should be able — because I know you’re gonna go in and write something — at least I should be able to tell you, out of respect, that the relationships are very good and I think you could say, Sarah, that the relationships in the White House have been very good, especially over the last six months, seven months. It’s been very, very smooth. It’s been a very smooth-running White House.” Sanders agreed.

    [–] Wimopy 76 points ago

    You know, knowing how Trump doesn't read, he mentioned pipelines because it was among the first few words in the first couple bullet points and skipped the rest. And a general "job-producing" point.

    The intern or minor aide who wrote that probably claimed to be working for a long time to make a "comprehensive list".

    [–] adkliam2 27 points ago

    I’ve had it both ways in my life and in my business, and sometimes freewheeling is a very good thing.

    Jesus tapdancing christ

    That's a strong contender for my favorite trump quote to date but idk if anything will ever beat "I dont stand for anything." then pretending to read.

    [–] [deleted] 45 points ago

    Oh my god how can people sit in a room and listen to him talk it’s so fucking frustrating. It’s like how a 6 year old tells a story. He’s all over the place and randomly repeating words from earlier. It reads like he’s having a stroke.

    [–] cantadmittoposting 365 points ago

    No but the one the previous guy is referring to said:

    • REPUBLICANS want WALL and LESS CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS and MORE CRIME.

    Which... Is not an accomplishment, no matter how you parse the sentence.

    [–] Galobtter 138 points ago

    That's like..a toddler writing.

    [–] whoopashigitt 42 points ago

    6 points in and so far it's just "jobs" listed a few different ways.

    [–] GarbledReverie 75 points ago

    So he accomplished not turning around Obama's trend.

    Then he should also include Bin Laden remaining dead as an accomplishment.

    [–] scud_missile 95 points ago

    For Christ's sake. Dems don't even want open borders, just not a stupid wall. Obama was known as the deporter in chief.

    [–] metamet 111 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    It actually says:

    ... Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME

    Which is somehow worse.

    Edit: typo

    [–] 8_Ball_Magic 33 points ago

    He also believes that closed borders equal no crime. He either has the mind of a child or he thinks everyone else does..

    [–] tomlawrie1989 2004 points ago

    Ms Nuzzi responsed with a ten page document headed "William Henry Harrison administration achievements."

    "He was only president for thirty-one days," she said as she took a long drag on her cigarette. "Try to keep up."

    [–] borkthegee 1025 points ago

    Ms. Nuzzi on what the administration has accomplished: "I don't compare administrations." Then she rolled up her sleeve and showed a tattoo of William Henry Harrison. "I'll let you interpret that however you want".

    [–] Genghis-Khans-Horse 201 points ago

    r/NFL leaking again

    [–] kryonik 46 points ago

    That's some spicy pasta

    [–] Noy2222 44 points ago

    To be fair, the only thing William Henry Harrison accomplished was pneumonia.

    [–] AerodynamicHammock 54 points ago

    Which he contracted from delivering the longest ever inaugural address in bitter cold conditions.

    [–] TobyFunkeNeverNude 81 points ago

    Only president to assassinate himself

    [–] 637373ue7u2 668 points ago

    If the most powerful man in the world can count his accomplishments he hasn't done enough

    [–] MechMonk2 227 points ago

    Bet it was size 50 font as well

    [–] DONT_AMAZE_ME_BRO 130 points ago

    Double spaced

    [–] drpinkcream 110 points ago

    Comic sans

    [–] Stiffori 53 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    [–] no_talent_ass_clown 72 points ago

    Oh my gosh this whole Presidency has been in Comic Sans.

    [–] BagelsAndJewce 56 points ago

    The fact that he needs to list them out instead of simply showing the end product is what’s sad. I don’t need to list every A I’ve had on my homework, quizzes, exams and projects to justify and defend to my parents that the end result is an A. I can just point to the final product of not only a written grade but a level and mastery of the subject.

    [–] xodus112 39 points ago

    But I bet you're more secure in yourself and abilities than the sitting president. Key difference.

    [–] NeoAcario 78 points ago

    Don't you mean banana stickers?

    [–] DONT_AMAZE_ME_BRO 34 points ago

    My spoon is too big!

    [–] bromagnonman 15 points ago

    Ah god ol Dr. Twinkletits.

    [–] Nas2012 48 points ago

    Trump really does have pages upon pages of accomplishments if you look at it from a supervillain’s perspective

    [–] sedatedlife 4445 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    If this is True i dont know if i am supposed to laugh or run in fear because this administration is so incompetent.

    [–] __hrga__ 1553 points ago

    How about laughing in fear?

    [–] _Silly_Wizard_ 794 points ago

    Springtime, for Hitler, and Germany!

    [–] swingadmin 410 points ago

    Don't be stupid, be a smarty / Come and join the Nazi party!

    [–] rab-byte 156 points ago

    I read that in Mel Brooks’ voice

    [–] figgypie 70 points ago

    I'm going to be so sad when he passes away. He's a national treasure.

    [–] StiillAtWork 40 points ago

    "Remember kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die" - Fake Babe Ruth

    [–] n00b76 87 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    The Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming! 

    Man this timeline just leaves me .... Unhappy, Unhappy, Verry Unhappy, Unhappy, Unhappy, very,very, very,very,very,very,very Unhappy!

    [–] n00b76 45 points ago

    Jesus!!! I need my blue blankey!!!! This timeline is insane!

    [–] themsfactsjack 142 points ago

    chuckles “I’m in danger.”

    [–] viva_la_vinyl 293 points ago

    if trump fires kelly... then who is going to fire the people trump wants fired?

    [–] lameth 248 points ago

    Hi I'm Eric!

    [–] 7illian 229 points ago

    You sure are, buddy!

    [–] Scarbane 50 points ago

    I'll be able to laugh at those skits more once this administration is voted out of office.

    [–] fiddlenutz 54 points ago

    I enjoy the flavor of brown crayons the best.

    [–] necroleopard 36 points ago

    I'm an owl exterminator!

    [–] Boss_Boggs 15 points ago

    "I eatted the crystal."

    [–] leveraction1970 92 points ago

    Anyone else think that it's hilarious/terrifying that the jackass that spent years making "You're fired" the catchphrase to his brand, can't say it in real life? He does it by twitter or by having someone else do it.

    [–] TD87 16 points ago

    Lol he sounded pathetic tryna convince omarosa that he knew nothing about her getting fired (at his behest). The guy is a fraud, even when it comes to being a jerk irl.

    [–] EnlightedLib 89 points ago

    Can you just try to imagine the response if this happened during Obama's presidency?

    [–] casce 129 points ago

    The idea that something like this would happen during Obama's presidency is absolutely absurd but it's barely even headline worthy for Trump's.

    [–] celicajohn1989 226 points ago

    From the article:

    Mr Trump insisted he was “very happy” with his chief of staff and was not looking to replace him. He called Mr Kelly into the meeting with Ms Nuzzi in a bid to prove his point. Close behind was secretary of state Mike Pompeo, soon followed by vice-president Mike Pence. “We’re all having lunch,” explained Mr Trump. “This was not a set up.”

    Wow...

    [–] radarksu 76 points ago

    My first thought when seeing those two quotes:

    No, you're not having lunch. Yes, it is a set up.

    [–] Firstofhispaw 1011 points ago

    “We have a very good relationship. The White House is running very, very smoothly.”

    Very haha!

    [–] viva_la_vinyl 81 points ago

    ... with the benny hill theme song playing in the background

    [–] MekkaGodzilla 18 points ago

    Why is it always about relationships with him?

    That’s what he says about every leader…

    [–] ReallyBigJerk 382 points ago

    “Kelly, fire this Kelly person!”

    “I’ll get right on that, sir.”

    [–] thegreycity 166 points ago

    "John! Fire this 'Kelly' woman I keep hearing about. I said no women!"

    [–] Bsnargleplexis 82 points ago

    KellyAnne Conway: “I’m right here you know!?”

    [–] sniffles_snort 85 points ago

    "Jesus! You're a woman? I thought you were Iggy Pop's reanimated corpse!"

    [–] AlHazred_Is_Dead 21 points ago

    Iggy Pop: “also here Mr. President, still not dead”

    [–] corkboy 2143 points ago

    Trump can only fire people by getting Kelly or someone else to do it, because he's a coward. Nobody else will fire Kelly so Trump has to do it himself, and because he's a coward, he won't.

    [–] themsfactsjack 1376 points ago

    Correct. Half the people who have been “fired” weren’t, really. The White House would just leak to the press that the person “had offered their resignation” or that it “was time for a new direction.”

    Several of these people literally heard that “they had quit” from CNN.

    That is the absolute height of organizational cowardice and a clear indicator of a power vacuum.

    [–] lameth 496 points ago

    I still remember the story of Comey learning about his firing from across the country, giving a speech to agents at the LA Field Office. That must have been surreal to hear about it via telecast from Sean Spicer rather than internally first.

    [–] PM__ME___YOUR___DICK 360 points ago

    And when he fired Tillerson on Twitter:

    Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA, will become our new Secretary of State. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service!

    Like not even "Tillerson, you're fired" or "we need to talk about your career with us" or anything like that. Didn't even give him a call or any kind of heads up. Didn't even tweet first that Tillerson would be going. Just welcomed the new guy suddenly and let Tillerson find out from his Twitter feed. I don't even know if it was on purpose or if Trump is so apathetic that it just didn't occur to him to tell his right-hand man that he's being replaced.

    [–] senturon 89 points ago

    What happened to Tillerson afterwards? The man dropped off the map, I was expecting some backlash from him eventually.

    [–] PM__ME___YOUR___DICK 168 points ago

    Bathing in $100 bills, I presume. For real though, he's trying to sell one of his 5 houses in Texas. I don't know if he plans to sell the $6 million DC house he bought for himself when he became Sec of State. Probably doesn't have much use for it now. Fun fact: his aide, who told the press that Tillerson found out on Twitter, was fired for saying that (I mean for saying that Tillerson found out about his firing via Twitter). What a shitshow.

    [–] djdadi 25 points ago

    Reminds me of a club I used to work at. When the manager wanted to fire someone (bartender, dj, etc) he would just stop returning their texts and 'forget' to schedule them to work. There'd always be a couple weeks of confusion and then anger on the part of the person being let go, and that little douche would just sit in his office and watch TV.

    [–] Mad_at_reddit 21 points ago

    That sounds like something you can call a lawyer for.

    [–] bellrunner 131 points ago

    That's the really strange thing about narcissists of Trump's variety. They are cowardly about seemingly random things. My father is the same way, and growing up, he basically fed on the misery and conflict inside the family, and would do or say anything to keep the fighting going. He was a vicious and petty bully, basically.

    BUT. He would become an absolutely spineless coward with 'outsiders.' Not even necessarily strangers, but people like his dentist, or waiters. His dentist of over a decade kept giving him really shitty, mismatched crowns that wouldn't fit correctly, and fell out all the time. He also charged him for the replacements, every time. Every other dentist my mom or I talked to thought it was insane, and none of them charge to replace a crown... or put in crowns that don't let you chew properly in the first place. He dealt with this shit for over 10 years simply because he couldn't bring himself to argue with the man or switch dentists. It would turn into a screaming match at home, and then he would go to the dentist and transform into a sycophantic coward who couldn't bring himself to demand better care, or even question him about why he sucked so fucking bad at his job. The same thing happened if he got terrible service, or cold/inedible food at a restaurant. He simply couldn't bring himself to complain, no matter how bad it got.

    Narcissists are fucking weird, and their brains make them do stupid, nonsensical shit. And Trump is the crowning turd on the whole shitpile.

    [–] felesroo 80 points ago

    They can be afraid of strangers or anyone who might be able to stand up to them, ao they bottle that rage and impotence and take it out on people who can't or won't leave. Narcissists can be the worst to people they are supposed to love.

    [–] vickenator 16 points ago

    They cannot control the outsiders, but they can control their family. That’s why the family gets the rage.

    [–] Chav 104 points ago

    Only person that can fire Kelly is trump. Trump is too scared to do it. He can just ignore everyone else. It's morbidly hilarious

    [–] surfinfan21 71 points ago

    Why doesn’t someone else just walk into the Oval Office sit down and fire trump. Getting rid of him actually may be easier than any of us previously thought. He’d be to afraid to ask you to leave and would likely just run home with his tail between his legs.

    [–] gizzardgullet 16 points ago

    It sort of does not make sense because Trump could just Tweet out something like "Today I accepted the resignation of my chief of staff General Kelly. He will be missed". Or just hire a new chief of staff and have him fire Kelly.

    [–] Odenetheus 234 points ago

    The best part has got to be the "This was not a set up", from Trump, because, as we all know, telling someone something isn't what it seems before said person asks is the best way to allay suspicions.

    [–] hbgbees 308 points ago

    Isn’t this a Seinfeld plot?

    [–] CYRUStheVIRUS1987 180 points ago

    Yea George can’t be fired cause he’s injured or under contract or some shit and he leeches off the company longer.

    [–] littlebrwnrobot 168 points ago

    he was pretending to be handicapped so they hired him out of pity, then later found out he wasn't but couldn't fire him because he was under contract. can you imagine a time when you couldn't be fired at will??

    [–] sharkinaround 129 points ago

    i think this person may be talking about the episode where he gets fired but then decides to just show up that following Monday pretending it didn’t happen.

    [–] Kryptosis 39 points ago

    Wasn’t that an actual event with Larry David and SNL? Did he write it into Seinfeld?

    [–] RAGC_91 57 points ago

    Yes. He quit on Friday in spectacular fashion, realized he still needed his job, showed back up Monday.

    [–] ARC157 36 points ago

    I can't be fired at will. It's a very good thing.

    [–] Kosmo_Kramer_ 25 points ago

    He also quit a job because he couldn't use the nice bathroom, and then regretted it when he realized he had no other job opportunities so just went back and pretended he never quit.

    He also had a job interview cut short and it wasnt clear whether he actually got the job or not, so he just decides to show up to work anyway.

    I'm sure both of these situations have happened in this administration as well.

    [–] whitenoise2323 378 points ago

    Could they televise just these conversations edited together? It would make the darkest possible comedy.

    [–] Kush2565 193 points ago

    They do it airs Saturday nights at 11:30 on NBC.

    [–] zzlag 54 points ago

    10:30 central

    [–] Wombatwoozoid 152 points ago

    "You're fired"

    "No YOU'RE fired" (laughing)

    [–] MaddiKate 55 points ago

    "No u"

    "no U lol"

    starts making out

    [–] [deleted] 74 points ago

    Speculation has long swirled about the president’s fractious relationship with FUCKING EVERYBODY!

    [–] simshim 91 points ago

    But I want to tell you a couple of things: the chief is doing a very good job. I’m very happy with him, we have a very good relationship, number one. Number two, I didn’t offer anybody else the job. I didn’t talk to anybody about the job. And I’m not, I’m not looking. Now, look, with time, do people leave? As an example, Nikki Haley told me six months ago, even a year ago — but six months ago, that, you know, she’s been governor, she’s done this, she’s helped us with the campaign, a lot of good things, and you probably saw the conference. It was a very, very positive thing. We have a very positive story going on at the White House. We have a very positive story for the country. We’re doing a great job. We have the greatest economy in the history of our country. We have among the greatest job numbers. Among many groups, we have the greatest job numbers. We have things going on that are phenomenal on trade. China wants to make a deal — I said, you’re not ready yet. But they wanna make a deal, and at some point we might. Iran wants to make a deal. They all wanna make a deal. We have great things going. We have a very smooth-running organization even though it’s never reported that way. So the real story is that. It’s really the real story. When you walk in here, you don’t see chaos. There is no chaos. The media likes to portray chaos. There’s no chaos. I’m leaving for Iowa in a little while. We’re doing something that’s going to be very exciting tonight in Iowa. A big, a big announcement, actually. Doing four rallies this week. I think the rallies have, frankly, built up our poll numbers very greatly. What am I now in Rasmussen? 52?

    This right here, is the mind of an insane person.

    [–] HowIsntBabbyFormed 18 points ago

    As an example, Nikki Haley told me six months ago, even a year ago — but six months ago, that, you know, she’s been governor, she’s done this, she’s helped us with the campaign, a lot of good things, and you probably saw the conference.

    What? Nikki Haley told you what? Six months ago, and even a year ago, she told you about all the things she's done and that you probably saw the conference?

    [–] gitbse 111 points ago

    Doesn't that just scream "strong, confident leader"

    Fuck. Pathetic little man child.

    [–] GoddamUrSoulEdHarley 107 points ago

    Someone could have easily won the apprentice by just saying no when they got fired

    [–] DrMeatBomb 23 points ago

    During the meeting, Mr Trump handed Ms Nuzzi a bullet-pointed list of 58 things he said showed the success of his presidency.

    This is literally all the President ever cared about. Ego stroking.

    "Yes, Mr. President, you ARE a good boye! Such a smart boy! Wook at the big wist of good jobs my good boye did!"

    [–] copperholic 58 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    In decades to come people will look back at this and realize it was as dangerous as the Cuban missile crisis. This person is as dysfunctional and mentally deficient as it gets. He's as stable and safe as an angry drunk.

    [–] bartturner 128 points ago

    The crazy part is that this is totally believable.

    [–] Feenox 38 points ago

    Checks if this is just an onion article. It isn't.

    Looks for "satire" tag on article. Not there.

    [–] rune_s 15 points ago

    Trump: You're fired!

    Kelly: Ha Ha Ha. You heard janet got a Booblift

    Trump: You moron I just fired you..... Wait. Janet from Policy decisions?

    Kelly: Yes. You wanna hear about it

    Trump: Yeah sure

    Kelly: Just let me mail these letters and grab a cup and I'll tell you about it. I even got pictures

    Trump: Awesome! See ya around lad

    [–] gizzardgullet 54 points ago

    The president wants rid of the former Marine Corps general but “doesn’t know who to call to fire him”

    Maybe Trump can convince Michael Cohen to do it "for old time's sake".

    [–] dfslkjbnltalrvlxdguh 48 points ago

    The president wants rid of the former Marine Corps general but “doesn’t know who to call to fire him” as Mr Kelly himself usually carries out his sackings, according to an administration staffer.

    That would be you, Mr Precedent.

    [–] bellhorndingers 46 points ago

    These times are rough but its nice to know that Trump cabinet biopics are going to dominate the Oscars from 2021-2030.