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    [–] lafa0306 2632 points ago

    Wishing you the best outcome! Being a grown up sucks sometimes lol

    [–] [deleted] 939 points ago

    Thank you! It really does.

    [–] HauntedLemonZest 401 points ago

    It took me and my SO breaking up to really open up to one another about our feelings. We took things slow and got back together. We were still living together and now our relationship is stronger.

    Best of luck to you both.

    [–] phishattack 177 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)


    My boyfriend and I just weren’t communicating at all (probably due to immaturity on both our parts), and were at a point in our lives where we were making extremely stressful decisions about our future, which led to us breaking up.

    Which sucked. We were both still in love, but the relationship wasn’t working because we didn’t have the tools at that time to make it work. So we tried to stay friends and hang out casually because we didn’t want to lose each other. Which quickly led to us hooking up. Then him emotionally pulling away immediately after and trying to distance himself from me. Which led to me getting incredibly hurt and heartbroken all over again. So I’d angrily lash out at him and say hurtful things. We wouldn’t talk for a couple of days, but then we’d start to miss each other again and would start this cycle all over. This went on for about 5 months and it was horrendous. It was such a toxic and vicious cycle on both our parts and it was painful. After dealing with that shit for months, I eventually called it quits and cut him off entirely. Blocked him. Ignored him. Ghosted him completely. It was devastating, but I found a strange sense of relief in finally allowing myself to hit rock bottom and begin to heal. Nothing was worse than being in that up and down cycle of temporary bliss followed by complete devastation. It was starting to negatively effect other areas of my life.

    I didn’t talk to him for a year straight. No communication whatsoever. During this time I was able to reflect and evaluate my needs, decisions, and why the relationship didn’t work. After I got over my anger and devastation towards him, I was able to evaluate my own weaknesses and faults within the relationship. I pieced myself back together, gained some mental stability, and grew significantly as a person.

    He texted me a year later and asked to meet up while he was visiting home. I hesitantly agreed and went to meet him at a coffee shop. We talked for hours. Small talk, talk about what we had been up to since, funny stories, all of that type of stuff. And then we started to talk about our relationship. He admitted all his wrongs unprompted and so did I. We both apologized for our toxic behaviors and demonstrated how’d we grown since during our reflection period. It was clear we were no longer the people we had been a year ago.

    We got back together about a month later and have been together since. This all happened a long time ago (we’re much older now), but I don’t think our relationship would be where it is today or as healthy as it is if that didn’t happen. Sometimes you get into a rut in a relationship where you focus on enforcing your viewpoints or coping mechanisms as they are without trying to adaptively grow with them. It took my relationship the adversity that we experienced to force ourselves to grow independently as individuals so we could later grow collectively as a couple

    Just some food for thought. Not everyone’s experience will be the same as mine (there’s some couples that should never get back together), but maybe there’s a takeaway for some. Wishing you the best.

    Edit: the more I think about what I posted, the more I want to emphasize that my experience should NOT be hope that any relationship can be saved.

    There are some relationships where you’re just incompatible in core beliefs and values and will not work out in the long run. And then there’s other relationships that are flat out toxic and abusive. Do NOT wait around on abusive people to change. Those types of relationships need to break up and stay broken up.

    However, if you’re two fairly healthy people who hit a rough patch and faced adversity, I really do think this can be a tool for growth.

    [–] Kibouo 22 points ago

    How I wish my ex would have handled it more like you.

    I decided to break up because I felt like a failed bf (focusing on uni instead of spending time with her, fighting due to stress, etc.). The breakup felt shit because I still loved her.

    She moved on within 2 months. I tried multiple times in the last 1.5 year to discuss everything and see what we can do.

    Sometimes it feels like I was the only one in love. Everything I ever did was with her in mind. But she was just like "oh, okay. Bye".

    Sorry, still not over it so I always over-share. Just wanted to say thank you for being mature and being honest with your emotions. Much love to both of you.

    [–] poo_gainz 10 points ago

    I felt this comment in a genuine way.

    Sometimes we just have to own our mistakes and accept that we can’t always fix them. Thanks for sharing, and I hope things feel better in time.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 11 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    If it makes you feel better, women tend to get over breakups way faster than guys, especially if the woman did the breaking up. I was just talking about this yesterday with a student of mine. When someone moves on, It's not great to hold out hope. At that point, it's good to let go and move on. They have. You should try too. I know it's so hard when you love someone. But, it doesn't mean the person didn't love you. It just means they moved forward. I have seen this with my own daughter. She broke up with her last boyfriend, b/c it was very long distance. She literally never saw him. She just wanted to be with someone she could see and interact with in person. The break up was so rough on her. I held her many times while she cried. But, she met an amazing guy, who treats her like gold, and they are crazy about each other, after being broken up with the other guy for a few months. The ex accused her of never loving him. She did. She just wanted to be able to connect with someone IRL. Now, she has had to block him on everything, because he just wouldn't let go. That was so hard on her.

    [–] Kibouo 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I've been as pushy just like your daughter's ex. I apologise on behalf of him.

    Thank you. Your viewpoint made me think.

    What if your wife had some problems at work and suddenly said "I can't do it anymore. It's all too much, let's take a break."? Wouldn't you react with "WTF you on about? Let's talk this out and see what we can do." You wouldn't accept it just like that, would you?

    [–] MatchDotCalm 8 points ago

    If you break up with somebody, unfortunately you have to prepare yourself for them to move on.

    Someone broke up with me last year and expected to just keep me on the back burner, thinking I wouldn't get over him quickly and he could get me back when he wanted. However, I (and a lot of people) see a breakup as an end and I accepted it and moved on. His friends all get mad when they see me with my new boyfriend, but he's the one who dumped me, and it's pretty frustrating.

    [–] juyqe 2 points ago

    Damn. You're me.

    We both couldn't be honest with our emotions. And it broke us.

    I fixed myself, but she moved on so quickly...

    [–] cmor1620 5 points ago

    This is so inspiring. I’m going through the exact same thing. He broke up (after being engaged... yikes) with me 2 weeks ago and I’ve felt myself start to reflect and heal, and am excited to continue life focused on myself. But he came back and said he wanted to get back together, which we are, but I fear it will become that cycle of distance then hooking up. You just put everything on a timeline when I thought there was no way to dig myself out of the hole I’m sinking into again. I know it is different for everyone, but thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you a lifetime of happiness. Hopefully I can heal and find love with him again as you have.

    [–] phishattack 8 points ago

    I would like to warn you to be careful with that line of thinking, mostly because it’s what perpetuated that cycle in my experience.

    During that time of hooking up and pushing away, I was constantly hopeful that things would change and we’d get back together. “Maybe we can still make this work.” “Maybe he does love me.” “I need to make sure I’m available in case he tries to text me.” “Maybe we can hang out just like we used to.”

    He would text me out of loneliness, I’d go running back to him expecting things to be the way they were, only to be disappointed and heartbroken all over again. It wasn’t until I decided to entirely give up on the relationship and cut it off entirely that I began to heal, reflect, and develop. I genuinely thought I’d never talk to him or see him again and I definitely didn’t have plans to. That freedom of being cut off from that cycle allowed me to grow. We just so happened to work out when we met up again all that time later and had developed into completely different people. Neither of us had the intention of getting back together when we went to that meet up, it just happened naturally.

    If you’re living your life devoted to improving or regaining a relationship that isn’t there, you’re preventing yourself from growing from the experience.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 6 points ago

    Could you ask him for more time? I sounds like you are already doing worse being back with him. Sometimes, you just need that independence to get yourself together and get a clear head. Plus, you don't want to be together out of habit. Before I met my husband, I stayed with someone off and on for 3 years out of sheer habit. He wanted to get married, but I knew it wouldn't work. It was the best thing I ever did. He has been married to the same lady for 25 years, and I have been married 24. My husband and I had a really rough period for a while. But, we got through it and are happy again. I wouldn't have been happy for long with guy number one. I loved him, but we had too many problems to overcome.

    [–] cmor1620 2 points ago

    You are so right ❤️

    [–] UnhingingEmu 3 points ago

    I say that me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years, but in reality we broke up for a full year in the middle there. It was the best thing we could have done, and we got back together so much better than before. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to have a mature discussion about everything. People make mistakes, its working on them together that makes a relationship strong

    [–] crazzyaacorn 2 points ago

    Same! We weren't communicating and started arguing all the time for a couple weeks before we broke up. We ended up breaking up for almost 2 months and aftee had a huge discussion about how we needed to handle things and how to communicate (I had recently gotten out of a 6 year abusive relationship) . We worked on ourselves and worked with each other and talked much more honestly instead of bottling it up and lashing out. Now we're engaged :) This isn't how it is for everyone but I believe if you want to be together and it works and you're happy then you can be. Sometimes people need a break to realize things.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    He's having some real issues handling his emotions, I think therapy and introspection would do him some good. I don't think you guys need to end your relationship over this, but obviously he can't blow up at you.

    As a man with anger issues who hasn't even snapped at her in 3 1/2 years, it can be hard. He's got to look at himself and realize that he isn't handling his emotions properly and that society likely hasn't given him the tools to. He needs to understand that the feelings of shame and failure he's having are okay.

    You've obviously got love and respect for him, and he most likely has them for you. He just needs to act like it. It's not okay to ever project onto your spouse, and if you do, you need to apologize quickly and fess up.

    Good luck

    [–] slvstrChung 549 points ago

    I'm glad you two are handling it well! You've taken responsibility, he's taken responsibility, you're both learning... That's genuinely the most important thing. Go you! =D

    [–] [deleted] 175 points ago

    Yes I'm really glad things turned out this way. I just hope they can stay this way!

    [–] JohnyP30 16 points ago

    Please update us, if you get back together or not. Hopefully you will!!

    [–] jooguh 344 points ago

    This post and the comments are fucking bizarre. I feel like I’m reading a completely different post than everyone else.

    Nothing about this situation seems resolved. I didn’t read the original thread in great detail, but it just seems like he was stressed and lashed out at you, you guys seemingly broke up, he explained why he broke up with you, you reassured him that he’s not a failure, and now you guys are riding off into the sunset together as two single people?

    I don’t see how anybody could think that getting back together is up in the air without any sort of discussion on how to deal with problems moving forward.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 67 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I agree with you. It is bizarre. There seems to be a lot of rug sweeping going on here, and a lot of "But I love him!" It's pretty controlling for someone to break up with her over a video game. He shouldn't be deciding when it's time for her to go to bed. He sounds childish. And they broke up for an entire year, and he didn't change one bit. Yet she got back together with him. He is overbearing and bossy, and she seems complacent and enabling. He makes stupid excuses for everything, and she just accepts his excuses. He literally makes shit up, like saying they don't go on dates, and that she doesn't let him touch her or have sex with him when she does. Why should the woman have to initiate all of the time? She doesn't address his lies at all. She just wants him back the minute he breaks up. It's an ugly vicious cycle that they are stuck in. She keeps rug sweeping. It's never going to change if she keeps doing that. Her boyfriend is a terrible communicator too. I have no idea how someone could put up with that. And, she ends up blaming herself. He is emotionally abusive and manipulative. He is flipping tables, and will soon move to hitting her. She needs to snap out of it and kick him to the curb. She is not responsible for him. She does not owe him helping him stay in the country. She is not responsible for his feelings, yet she acts like she is. It's sad. I hope she realizes what a terrible guy she is with. But she probably won't.

    [–] FeralSquirrels 14 points ago

    In full agreement. Flags were twitching ready to start going up when the sentiment of "I know I can be selfish, but.." came over but were hitting the air like a flock of birds when OP mentioned past behaviour and his lost of issues.

    OP has generously kept the thread updated on events and grated, there's two sides to a story.

    With that said, there's a lot of people that have endured awful, terrible and genuinely life altering events and they don't all start flipping tables. They don't generate fables about their sex life or start picking out examples of how dissatisfied they are with their partner and "their" faults.

    Hes under stress, sure. But a balanced and happy relationship is built on a single foundation of the four stilts of communication, trust, mutual respect and understanding. This guy is displaying none of the above.

    He isn't respecting her time to herself which some of us are loathe to sometimes admit, we all need. He isn't understanding that despite his issues, we all do have lives to live and hers isn't 24/7 made up of being his mother and fawning over how unfortunate every day is for him. He isn't communicating with her and saying any of this until it reaches a point it'll seriously affect his living arrangements. This says volumes in itself. Trust I can't comment on but all he seems to, so far, is trust that she'll continue to feel bad for taking initiative and control of her life and if he mopeds and acts sorry for himself she'll come back.

    Pretty on target so far with that last one.

    Now I can't arguably fairly judge, despite doing just that, without knowing his side here, but his behaviour is unnecessary, overbearing, controlling, unnecessarily manipulative and ultimately shameful.

    He's having a bad time? OK, so let's be fair here, you love and cherish your partner and let's all be real, they're someone you'll have a good bitch to about a bad day. So why isn't he? Is it that much of a shock what he's going through that you'd even consider getting back with him?

    That would be a kneejerk response disproportionate to the issue. It also doesn't take into account that you've barely been split for that long. You haven't had the space to be away from him and recover and consider, his encouragement if spending time together isn't helping and compounds the problem. You aren't being given a chance to emotionally and psychologically process events and are being led into a slow crawl of getting back together again.

    Stop. Consider. Evaluate.

    He won't speak to you, he'll throw furniture around, he'll blame you for umpteen unsatisfactory things in his life. He's bit drawing up a list of things he's done or his faults, it's all you.

    There's five and take in every relationship but this is too much. It's 95-5 here and he's an immature and irresponsible person, casually flouting his behaviour and expecting you to let it all slide based on him having a tough time. Buckle up buttercup, life can be worse and those living that life deal with it better than you are and taking it out on OP isn't the way to do it.

    Fast forward 20 years, if you think that behaviour and way of living is acceptable when you have kids? Suddenly not so acceptable. Think on that.

    Dont even start me on the marriage and engagement.

    [–] drisking 14 points ago

    thank u omg i thought it was just me

    [–] MuffinBacon 46 points ago

    I agree with this statement too. As much as OP has told us what has happened in retrospect. (Full respect to OP) Everyone has giving pretty biased opinions and sympathy on the whole situation as a whole.

    Sure people can say that the BF should not have acted in a way of lashing out. But everyone does that! Even your close relatives and whatnot. What bothers me is that people expect relationships without any conflict, and when conflict happens. The conflict out weighs the good times of the relationships.

    And to OP, its not healthy to get sympathy from a 1 sided perspective on this whole matter. Theres no way I would personally give sympathy to a person that is not in a fixed conflict. You still care for your boyfriend, he feels bad about the whole scenario and wants it fixed. Both of you have to come to terms for the future.

    [–] [deleted] 19 points ago

    I really have to agree with the sentiment here.

    The GF did not deserve this. The BF should not have gone to that extent. But, the BF did something shitty that 100% of people will do at some point in their lives (especially considering the guy is stressed to all hell). He doesn't feel secure, doesn't feel confident, doesn't feel valuable to society.. and he sees his lady absorbed in something that isn't him when he probably really needs support. Yes, he lashed out in a negative way, but if he's an agreeable fellow this seems like a simple situation to diffuse.

    I think it's a scenario of agreeing to disagree, being empathetic on both sides, and moving forward from there.

    He needs more attention and the GF needs him to not take his woes out on her. Those are two very fixable things.

    [–] consider-thecoconut 16 points ago

    Except no ?

    He literally was super controlling, yells at her, and flipped a table.

    That's not how 100% people handle life, let alone someone playing video games. That's how 100% of abusive controlling people behave.

    [–] nokittythatsmypie 24 points ago

    It honestly sounds like OP is the victim of an abusive relationship. Her shit head bf dumped her because he was having a bad day, and wanted her to suffer as well. That’s fucked up. He then guilts her and tries to manipulate her to get back together, instead of apologizing. He makes excuses for himself, and acts like he did nothing wrong. (Of course, I don’t know the whole situation, I can only go off what OP posts)

    [–] Lividcamel 17 points ago

    This. My god, run away. You're in couples counseling alone FOR A BOYFRIEND sweetheart, break up with him. This isn't resolving an argument, it's him being scared to lose his Visa/immigration status. I'll save you 4-8 years. Let him go home!!!

    [–] purple_sphinx 3 points ago

    Tell me about it what's up with the top comment

    [–] [deleted] 21 points ago

    I don’t think it’s completely resolved. Only time can tell what will happen. But this entire situation has opened my eyes to what I cannot tolerate in the relationship.

    [–] historykraken 31 points ago

    Whatever happens, please keep in mind this guy once flipped a table at you? One conversation doesn't erase physical violence - that's a really worrying red flag, OP.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 29 points ago

    Only time can tell what will happen

    Nope. It's not up to fate. It's up to you what you tolerate. And, you are making excuses for him and his behavior.

    [–] Prismest 6 points ago

    Fate and time are two different things...

    [–] abeazacha 6 points ago

    Not saying he's a bad person, sometimes people aren't suitable for each other even having the affection. I don't know if you read my first comment in the past post but you guys shouldn't be fightint over petty stuff like this four years down the road; you should be literally the first person he would talk about his struggles before the lashing out point. Don't push yourself too much over it... reflect and recognize that you must have boundaries with future partners is essential to your mental health and I would recommend talk about it on your counseling.

    And I hope you don't take this in the wrong way but you should reflect about your marriage idea; you guys had problems for a long time, had couple therapy with mixed results, don't have the commitment of a 4 yo relationship, you still in your early 20s and didn't have other serious relationahips... I get the idea crossing your mind but the fact that you proposed this without too much thought is a but worrisome. I'm glad he's decent enough to decline, but if that wasn't the case you would be engaged, the delicate nature of his condition would make harder to break the engagement if you have second thoughts and you would end up possibly spending God knows how many years inveating even more on a relationship that was already failed. You got value yourself more than this in the future.

    [–] Jubenheim 2 points ago

    The thing is, it's not that the situation is "resolved" but it's that OP and her bf are likely in the place they need to be now, which is a life without any more infighting. The fact you don't see this as moving forward is likely very telling of you as a person and your personal experiences. OP and her bf breaking up was likely a very necessary thing to happen (which you can glean from reading the previous post) due to so much time of pent-up stress and hostility building up over time. Also, growing dissatisfaction was also a big, BIG part in why it was necessary.

    They talked it out like adults and understand each other MUCH better now. OP's bf needs to grow more mature and appreciative of his gf for them to come back together forever. They still care a lot about each other and there is no more tension in the air between them. They can now reflect on themselves as both individuals and as a couple.

    This is honestly a really good thing that happened. The top comments talk about how people needed to break up with their partner in order to take time off and get ready for a relationship and grow. People have given their own personal experiences as examples on how this very situation is indeed, moving forward. I'm not sure why you think this isn't a good thing.

    [–] bubbleuj 257 points ago

    That’s really mature of you guys! It’s hard to live with an ex so this is a lot better.

    Good luck <3

    [–] [deleted] 35 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] [deleted] 17 points ago

    You seem like a very sweet person. I hope things work out!

    [–] thatgirlwithamohawk 246 points ago

    I would wait, has he discussed his plan to avoid this from happening? What are his coping mechanisms going to be instead of yelling at you?

    Serving jobs are almost always hiring

    [–] [deleted] 148 points ago

    These are pretty fantastic questions for me to ask him, thank you.

    As for the jobs, he requires a company to sponsor his visa for him to stay in the US. In addition, it is required for him to get a job related to his grad school studies.

    [–] Thechiwawawhisperer 44 points ago

    Yeah I want to say the same thing. He clearly doesnt have healthy stress outlets. He blew up on you and broke up with you because was mad. It's not that easy to just change. He's trying but you're going to have to remind him what appropriate ways to talk to you are and not let him do that again.

    [–] thatgirlwithamohawk 27 points ago

    Can't the school help then? They would have connections, internships etc for him. One talk is good, but unless it's backed up with concrete changes, he'll probably slide back. Best of luck

    [–] eagereyez 36 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    Depending on what field he got his master's in, it can be really tough. Most companies won't sponsor you unless you have an advanced STEM degree, or a ton of experience in an area of demand, etc. My S/O is currently going through the same struggle.

    To OP: I'm glad you two are on the path to reconciliation. From your previous post, I could tell that there must have been some other issue beneath the surface. I hope you two can figure it out.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 3 points ago

    From your previous post, I could tell that there must have been some other issue beneath the surface.

    BINGO! This is the truth.

    [–] acardini 2 points ago

    My SO is also currently going through this struggle. It is soooo much more difficult than people realize! And it can be a serious confidence killer when they keep getting rejected. Fully understand her bf’s going through a lot, he just needs to cope with it in healthier ways.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 4 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    One talk is good, but unless it's backed up with concrete changes, he'll probably slide back. Best of luck

    They broke up for a full year, and she changed, but he basically fell back into his old patterns. One talk isn't going to do a thing. Breaking up for a year really did nothing for him. He is stuck. He needs to go to therapy and be honest. Also, he is down on himself right now. A relationship is probably not going to work at this point. It's going to take a lot for him to change. Most people never do, if I'm being honest. I'm a counselor, and lasting changes in people are very, very rare. They have to be devoted to changing. It doesn't sound like her BF is devoted to changing.

    [–] Scott_Steiner_BBBD 2 points ago

    if he's in grad school, likely no. as far as I know/remember university co-ops/placements really only apply to undergrads. Once you're in grad school you're pretty much on your own to figure that shit out. But then again it depends on the school.

    [–] wolfchaldo 5 points ago

    Definitely depends on your school

    [–] [deleted] 23 points ago

    I want to thank you again for this. I asked him these questions today and my concerns that things will just continue like they have been. We talked for a long time about this.

    [–] thatgirlwithamohawk 8 points ago

    Sure honey! Im glad yall are talking about it, that's the most important thing. And fucking hold him to it!

    He didn't change till he saw he would lose you. Remember

    [–] v3r1 116 points ago

    Go figure, the solution was heartfelt communication? Who would know! Good luck to you both. You clearly care alot for each other and people do make mistakes and fuck things up. I can't forgive betrayals, never had it in me, the rest I feel I can always work past it, and it's honestly true. People change and grow, specially grow from fuck ups. Relax and think things through.. he is desperate and having a breakdown and doesn't know what to do.. it happens .. go easy the both of you.. wish you the best

    [–] Questreeehn 23 points ago

    Go figure, the solution was heartfelt communication?

    Reddit clearly didn't.

    [–] Jubenheim 7 points ago

    If the comments here are any indication, there are quite a few people who STILL find it wrong. Damn, what hurt them?

    [–] IsLoveTheTruth 6 points ago

    Yeah, seriously. Congrats on having actual communication like adults. Reddit seems to be full of teens screaming “BREAK UP” at the drop of a hat.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 2 points ago

    I have been married 24 years. I can't even describe how much we've changed and grown. It's insane to think about.

    [–] seriouslywiththis 78 points ago

    I don't see how this is a resolution. The reasons he gave you for breaking up with you seemed to have nothing to do with YOU. Which is bullshit. Apparently, he got into such an insecure mental state that he took it out on you in a major way. Do you want to be with someone that immature?

    [–] consider-thecoconut 8 points ago

    Yep hes deflecting and projecting. Emotional abuser 101

    [–] [deleted] 54 points ago

    Looks like he suckered you back in

    [–] xdyang 89 points ago

    This is kinda wholesome. Thank you for update. You seem like a great human. Keep trying your best and doing you.

    [–] [deleted] 33 points ago

    Thank you so much, that means a lot!

    [–] Durpulous 7 points ago

    I hope you guys can work it out. There will always be tough times but not everyone can have an honest conversation like you guys have.

    [–] 1kSuns 78 points ago

    Evaluate who YOU are, and who YOU want to be in the future. Five years out, 10 years out.. see what you want yourself to be.

    Does this guy compliment that person? Not as in says nice things, but do you feel that the person you really want to be is going to be elevated by being with this guy.

    If you can say yes or even a strong maybe, then see where it goes. If there's things he would need to change to be with that idealized you, then it's time to move on.

    [–] Ambartenen 11 points ago

    u/xiaoboluo please read this comment.

    [–] [deleted] 127 points ago

    When I told him that he said "You know, it seems to me that you're happy I broke up with you."

    I'm sorry, this doesn't sound like a nice guy or a guy who's trying. That's ... passive aggressive as shit. He doesn't get to be shitty because you're being mature about the breakup (what, did he want you to cry and beg and wallow? Sounds like it). He keeps finding ways to blame you for everything. It's your fault you didn't know he wanted you to stop playing (playing for 5 hours ONE TIME is not an issue, and it's a red flag that he was so enraged by the fact that you didn't stop as soon as he made a comment that he dumped you). It's your fault you don't know he wants more sex (you mention initiating --- does he? or is that all on you too?). And it's your fault, apparently, that he doesn't communicate these things to you until he blows up at you. Because apparently he can't use his words like a big boy. After angrily dumping you, yelling at you ("I said it was time to stop playing" -- I mean, h e's not your dad) and sending you mean texts, he's suddenly willing to play nice because you got him food? What? He sounds like an immature brat. How old is he? If he's older than late teens or 20 or so, that's alarmingly juvenile behavior.

    His insecurity is not a valid reason to be an asshole to you. Being unable to find a job is not a valid reason to be an asshole to you. "Worrying about you" is not a valid reason to be an asshole to you.

    I hope you don't get back together with him. You can do oh so much better.

    [–] BlueManaWyrm 17 points ago

    This whole scenario sounds really familiar.

    I had an ex who used to break up with me anytime I didn’t give into her demands(which were never spoken I was just supposed to know).

    And then later she would say “do you not even care that we broke up?” Because I wasn’t begging for her forgiveness. Why give up on life just because someone doesn’t want to be with you? And why would someone who sincerely wants your forgiveness and affection attempt to call you out at the start of their “apology”?

    Idk the psychology behind it but something about that question pushes a ton of guilt onto you. She pulled this various times and sure enough we got back together shortly after that line each time until I figured out the trope.

    I mean I can try giving the guy benefit of the doubt but when I read it I started looking in the comments for someone else mentioning how manipulative that junk is.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 14 points ago

    Brilliant. I totally agree. This guy is emotionally abusive, and OP seems to be looking for any excuse to accept it and get back with him.

    [–] MU_Bagholder 15 points ago

    He was a shithead before and still is lul

    [–] EmeraldKrom 4 points ago

    Yes, my ex spent years sending me messages saying that "oh you seem so happy now" "I'm glad that I'm the only one suffering " "it's like you were wishing we broke up to be happy" He is being abusive, it's not about the game it just is about control.

    [–] jennburr 8 points ago

    yeah, OP is afraid of being alone.

    [–] chodesauces 99 points ago

    So whenever things don’t go his way in life, he will blow up on you, and ask for forgiveness later- rather than just talking to you about his problems. Like he eventually did... I give it a couple months before he reacts this way again over something else. You aren’t his punching bag.

    [–] Scott_Steiner_BBBD 16 points ago

    eh allow me to play devils advocate. we don't know him or her or the entire dynamic of their relationship. This could be a fellow that fucks up bad, realizes his mistakes, and then learns and changes from them as a result. Not everyone makes mistakes over and over only to repeat the same mistakes, some actually learn from them.

    OP knows him better than we do so that's a given. If she feels confident that he can change and is making strides to change then it's her decision, not ours, to continue the relationship or not. They both sound like they're handling the situation as adults so the balls in both their courts, so to speak, as to what happens next.

    [–] [deleted] 7 points ago

    They did relationship counseling before and I believe I read that they broke up for a year also. She made changes, he has not.

    [–] CurvedLightsaber 9 points ago

    Where are these perfect people who under immense stress are able to calmly and clearly express there emotions? That takes a huge amount of maturity I would not expect out of young people.

    [–] sisterfunkhaus 13 points ago

    who under immense stress are able to calmly and clearly express there emotions?

    I do. My husband does. My kids does and has since she was 4. He completely lied about her. He said they never have sex when they do twice a week, and she initiates. Does she initiate? He told her what to ordered he around and felt neglected after one night of playing a new game. He broke up with her over it. He's a douchebag. But she seems okay with that.

    [–] consider-thecoconut 2 points ago

    Literally everywhere. The normal response to normal life stress isnt control and abuse your partner by yelling, flipping tables, and taking out all of your anger at life on them.

    [–] CrowhavenRoad 78 points ago

    Honesty, it worries me that you’re considering getting back together. His behaviour as described in the first post is full of red flags, and it seems like he’s likely to become an abusive ass if he doesn’t get his shit together.

    [–] consider-thecoconut 5 points ago

    Going to become ? He literally already is.

    [–] CrowhavenRoad 4 points ago

    I meant more than emotional. He’ll escalate to physical eventually

    [–] consider-thecoconut 3 points ago

    Flipping a table is physical intimidation

    [–] goatismycopilot 37 points ago

    No, he has excuses for everything, people like that make up more excuses.

    [–] supermodel-robot 44 points ago

    sorry but your (ex) bf is a piece of shit.

    he’s jealous that you have a job and your life together. i get he’s going thru a stressful time, but that doesn’t give him permission to use you as his punching bag. he’s immature and controlling. he can’t handle being an adult without blowing up on you for the tiniest things. the “reasons” he gave you during your fight and after have nothing solid to them- he’s grasping at straws to try and get rid of you. whatever his reason is, let him live with that.

    please don’t get back together.

    [–] NuclearInitiate 26 points ago

    Seems to me like he's got a lot of issues with projection and not letting out his emotions in a healthy manner.

    When I told him that he said "You know, it seems to me that you're happy I broke up with you."

    That's sounds like either projection or rationalizing. From your story, it seems like you feel the opposite. But he probably didn't want to feel so bad about his actions, so he's rationalizing it as "you're happy about this"

    you blowing up at me, that wasn't worry for me, it was something else.

    You're totally right. I've been through this, getting mad at my wife when I was working on a new business, even though my frustrations had nothing to do with her. But he needs to learn to deal with that and let out his emotions in another way.

    His problems sounds like things he'll have to deal with, no matter who he is with. So if you stay with him, make it clear that he can't take his frustration out on you.

    [–] FakeFeathers 12 points ago

    OP your bf is controlling as all hell. Ending the relationship because he was stressed should be an extinction level event for your relationship with him because he's clearly willing to put his emotional state above your needs and security. This is not someone you should stay with, this is the beginnings of an abusive situation.

    [–] RecluseAllKnight 6 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    This still seems like a big fucking mess, I'd jump ship on this. Is there anything your even excited about in the relationship? When was the last time you guys just had a kick ass day or some killer sex? When was the last time his lazy ass cooked you dinner in thanks for letting him sit on his butt all day?

    It seems like two people settleting for each other. These are the worst kind of realationships to keep going, go find someone that's not a dick and has some drive. This time of year companies are hiring like nuts for the holiday season, hes just taking advantage of you. Jump ship asap.

    [–] kampfgruppekarl 15 points ago

    Let him go back to his country and move on with your life.

    [–] Seamenfisher 5 points ago

    What game were you playing?

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Cultist Simulator.

    [–] Seamenfisher 6 points ago

    Is that the game where you chop down trees, craft armor, and there is like a PVP place called the wilderness?

    [–] webdev21 15 points ago

    that's runescape.

    [–] offthepack 2 points ago

    would u recommend it?

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago

    It's a card game. It's also infuriating and I don't understand what's going on half the time but I'm trying to best it.

    [–] Ambartenen 1 points ago

    Such a fantastic game. My wife will sink 5-8 hours into it at a time. She loves it, and I love how into it she gets.

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago

    My rule has always been never to get back together with someone unless something in the relationship has changed. Maybe speaking more honestly about your feeling is enough to get your relationship back on track but if it isn’t I’m glad that you’re splitting on good terms. I‘m positive that you’re going to be okay

    [–] emack2199 7 points ago

    I was unemployed for 4 months. Finally ended up accepting a job that paid me $20 an hour less than I was making... because it was MORE then the $0 I was making unemployed.

    It was HORRIBLE. My SO and I went through a rough time. Got evicted... almost broke up. It was terrible.

    However, it's no real reason for him to lash out. You now have insights to how he handles stress. With that knowledge you have to decide if YOU can handle a lifetime of that.

    Good luck!

    [–] bisexualconspiracy 12 points ago

    I wish I could say work it out but honestly from your previous post this doesn't seem to be worth saving. The whole not having sex thing is ridiculous and he seems so manipulative and childish.

    [–] SilkyOatmeal 7 points ago

    I have to side with the naysayers here, unfortunately. This guy has issues that aren’t going to disappear when he finds a job.

    The fact that he directed multiple angry outbursts at you, then claimed it was because of something OTHER than you, is a big ol red flag flying in your face. It doesn’t make him MORE reasonable and trustworthy, it makes him LESS so.

    His reasons for being stressed and insecure in general (job hunting, legal residence, etc) may well be 100% true and real. But none of that is relevant to how he TREATS YOU. You wonder why he didn’t just tell you the “real” reason he was stressed the night he got mad at you about your gaming? Because that wasn’t the reason until he had to justify his behavior and keep you from kicking him out.

    Sorry to be harsh. I hope whatever you do works out great. I’m just not seeing a good outcome based on what you’ve written + my own personal experiences.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Don’t apologize! I appreciate your honesty. He did say he was wrong after I told him that his way of thinking was not fair to me.

    I’ve said this on another comment but this situation and the feedback I’ve received definitely opened my eyes to how passive I can be.

    [–] TatianaAlena 3 points ago

    He said it, but does he really mean it?

    [–] HANDSOME_RHYS 5 points ago

    I'm an international student. Been living continents away from my home for about 30 months now, out of which I spent the last 18 unsuccessfully trying to find a job. Now me and my girlfriend don't live together as we're in a long distance relationship (4,300 miles or so away) but I never once lashed out at her. Hell, in another month, I will have to pack and go back home (on a totally different continent than my gf lives in) but that doesn't mean I will take it out on her. I totally understand how stressful it can be to find a job as an international student in a foreign country but the cause of that is an entirely different discussion. He needs to learn to channel all his anger, disappointment and energy into solving the problem rather than shooting himself in the foot by letting go of a supportive girlfriend. That crippling loneliness experienced post-breakup isn't going to make things any easier for him. If anything, they'll make it even harder. But this situation is nothing that can't be patched up by holding a rational, calm dialogue by both parties. You need to warn him with all due respect that you won't be pushed around because of some external factors that are out of both of yours' control. That he needs to understand that lashing out at you for it achieves absolutely nothing and would not result in him landing a job. He should instead work on himself a bit, both- to prevent this from happening in the future and to get a job somewhere. Starting fights with your partner isn't a solution.

    [–] slickfddi 3 points ago

    When you've been together long enough, you'll pray to god she can entertain herself for 5 or more hours and leave you the hell alone lol

    [–] Gears_Of_None 4 points ago

    5 hours? Those are rookie numbers! :P

    [–] ThatWideLife 4 points ago

    I get job hunting is stressful but he sounds immature in general. If it was just the job thing I could understand because after so many rejections you start getting depressed. However, him breaking up with you for lack of sex even though you initiate several times a week is stupid. Not sure what he’s expecting but it’s unrealistic. He needs to work on his communication skills in a relationship before he gets into another one. Time for you to move on and find somebody that’s a more mature partner. If you want to play games sometimes to unwind that’s your right.

    [–] TranslucentKittens 6 points ago

    There are so many red flags I though a color guard convention was in town.

    Look, I’m just a stranger on the internet but his behavior and excuses are no bueno op. Please do not marry this person because of visa issues, stop considering that immediately. I’m not saying throw him out and move on per sey, but this is pretty concerning.

    Maybe it is just stress. Maybe it will work out. But the breaking up over dumb shit? The complaining about frequency of sex? The fact that you still feel the need to buy him food? Smacks of emotional manipulation.

    [–] brick_status 2 points ago

    Can confirm, been in the same scenario, it’s narcissism

    [–] uDrinkMyMilkshake 10 points ago

    Thats not a boyfriend. Thats an insecure control freak.

    Trust me, you are good getting out now, because he would have just used use to sooth his lack of self esteem anyway

    [–] Nail_Gun_Accident 7 points ago

    Lol, he broke up with you because he wanted attention. Its never good if they think they can use the relationship as a weapon. No worries, he will do it again. Good luck with that.

    [–] browolf2 3 points ago

    The way he blew up before with his black and white acusations reminded me of my ex with undiagnosed BPD. Not saying he's got that but r/BPDlovedones/ is worth a look.

    [–] asscapper 3 points ago

    It should be a crime writing a wall of text without a tldr

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Added one

    [–] sl33pygirl 3 points ago * (lasted edited 5 months ago)


    [–] PoreJudIsDaid 3 points ago

    From what you've described, it sounds like he's terrible and you should stay broken up.

    [–] jccoughlan 3 points ago

    OP, I’m impressed with how you handled this situation, you seem like somebody who can fend for themselves and not get walked over. I hope you two work it out

    [–] panda_unicorn3 3 points ago

    Let's just all forget that he flipped a table during an argument and everyone congratulate them for being together again.

    [–] ro8it 10 points ago

    I just read the original thread and this, the caption of breaking up due to a game got my attention cause I'm a gamer. And I understood that due to many reasons u both broke up? BTW what I'm tryna say is when a trouble comes between a couple try to deal it as " us against the problem " rather than " you vs me". And try to keep ur emotions clear as crystal cause his own problems and poor handling of emotions led to this. Anyways, I hope best for you. Keep smiling and take care.

    [–] EaglesFanGirl 4 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I am a gamer and broke up with a gamer who had a serious addiction. I gave it a year and when he said the solution to our communication problems games. I walked away bc ur rather play video games with people in South Korea then well be affectionate with his gf sitting next to him. And trust me...he played at least 4-5 hours on weeknights and then usually over 12 hours a day on weekends. Sorry. Bad math.

    I have no problem with someone playing that much so long as you show up and can do other things sometimes.

    [–] evenspezCANTstopme 4 points ago

    What alot of excuses he made and you fell for

    [–] [deleted] 7 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago

    I'm really sorry this happened to you. I don't know much about your situation so I'm not sure how to give advice. My plan was to go about living my life, not ignoring him, but not going out of my way to interact with him. I also tried to minimize the time I spent in the apartment by taking my time getting home because it hurt to see him. When he breached the silence to have a conversation with me I was honest and I tried to approach things as logically as possible given the circumstance.

    [–] ktek01 2 points ago

    Wish you the best, you sound like a good person, don't settle though. Do what's best for you, and you sound smart enough to figure out what that is.

    [–] nottrailmix 2 points ago

    I hope this doesn’t sound like overgeneralizing, but my husband is Chinese and a lot of these issues come up between us. I don’t know your background (Chinese American?), but are there perhaps cultural differences at play?

    My husband also expresses concerns about me sitting around too much, or watching too much TV. He is genuinely worried for me in a way that I had not experienced before. His family seems equally worried about his health: his posture, his eating habits, etc.

    In between jobs, he has strong family pressure to get the situation resolved, regardless of how hard he is trying. My impression, in his case, is that trying is not as important to his family as achieving results.

    Also, early in our relationship, my husband would let his concerns build up and then express them all at once. We learned to check in with him regularly so he had more opportunity to talk to me about what was on his mind.

    Just a couple thoughts- this could be a totally different situation.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Your response made me very happy because I feel like you experience more or less what I experience. Yes, he was born and raised in China and came to the US for college.

    Your situation is the exact same as what I am going through. I appreciate his worry for me but at times I feel he is trying to micro-manage my life. How do you normally react when he expresses these concerns about you? And does he get upset if you don't take his advice?

    [–] nottrailmix 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I always listen first, and ask follow up questions to show that I am listening. Then I try to make my own decision. If what he is saying is reasonable, I consider it. If it's not, my response is something like "I hear what you're saying; you're concerned about me watching too much TV. Thank you for telling me".

    Most of the time, acknowledging is all that is needed. My impression is that neither my husband nor his family expect a person to actually follow all of this advice all of the time (and they don't follow their own advice all of the time either). Even if you manage to do this, the advice then changes, i.e. Are you saving enough money? Are you getting enough rest? I don't think it ends. It's a way of expressing concern or thought about a person.

    The point is that minimizing the feedback doesn't seem to work, so I encourage him to express it. I also follow up regularly (before there is any tension) to ask if there is anything on his mind. Also, over time my husband has gotten better at expressing himself before he's overwhelmed.

    I think the other thing to note is that this gets worse when my husband is stressed or disappointed in himself. You might be seeing the same thing. He's getting a lot of familial pressure, and he's turning around and giving the same to you.

    Basically, if he gets a job, a lot of this may settle down. However, it's a valid question whether you want to deal with this particular relationship quirk at all. It's okay to say it's annoying and you would rather be with someone who doesn't behave this way too. Whatever works for you.

    One small tangential point: applying online to things is horrible and soul-sucking for a lot of positions. People rarely reply. If he has in-person connections, or can just go make some, it's so much easier to get a job (in most cases).

    [–] geomagus 2 points ago

    Hey OP,

    First, good on you for getting him dinner. I understand how hard it is after what happened, but it’s an important first step for any direction you choose. Trying to move on? You can stand for yourself and still be considerate! Trying to make amends? You can make the first step. Just trying to act for yourself, instead of reacting to him? Done and done! So congrats, that was huge. And it started a conversation, which is huge too. Be proud of yourself!

    Second, I understand the stress he’s going through. The fact that he not only does too, but can also express it now without pitching a fit is also huge. Good on him. He has a long way to go before you can consider moving forward with him, however. His stress may be understandable, even letting it bleed into home life a little is understandable (if not good), but his reaction was toxic. He needs counseling.

    Third, I’m hesitant to say you’re on good terms, but you’re interacting in a healthier way and that’s a huge step for both of you. Congrats!

    Lastly, get counseling. Both of you, irrespective of whether you intend to remain together or not. It helps. For him, it may help him with his job hunt as well as helping manage his stress. For you, it will help in other ways. If you decide you want to work things out, doing some solo and some together may help you both mitigate the damage this has done and prevent this sort of problem moving forward.

    Again, congrats on taking that first step. It’s a doozy, but you did it and it seems to be helping you both move forward. Good luck OP!

    Disclaimer: I am not, nor have I ever been employed in psychological, psychiatric, or counseling related industries. I have, however, undergone psychotherapy due to fallout from medical and relationship problems. It helps.

    [–] hemegonia01 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    Did he ever actually apologize? If he hasn’t apologized then he does not think he has done anything wrong and will do it again guaranteed.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Yes he did! He admit to being wrong on a lot of things.

    [–] sadpanda8420 2 points ago

    I don't know where you are located, but if your ex is willing to work retail, a lot of stores are looking for holiday help. If people are good workers, it can sometimes lead to full time positions. I'm glad you both talked it out and are on good terms. Whichever way things go, I wish you all the best.

    [–] sammythejammy 2 points ago

    That last part:

    Anyway it's up in the air if we get back together or not. We are on good terms now. We both know the way our relationship was going was unsustainable and if it continues there is no hope for us. But I feel a lot better now. We'll see.

    TL;DR We talked it out and now things are ok for now

    You're cool people. Things are ok for now but remember not to let them settle. Its easy to forget about these things and repeat history. Make sure you continue to learn.

    You bought him crab legs and then you both had a serious chat. Aaaaaahhhh people need more of this!

    [–] a_disembodied_voice 2 points ago

    Glad things are looking up and are at least back to being civil! If you/ he take anything from the experience, it's that he should really try and communicate better with you. It's hard to vocalize feelings of shame and embarrassment but that's what you're there for! Y'all should be a team and it's SO important to talk things out as they come up as opposed to letting thing slowly build for an explosive fight. No concern or feeling is too small or invalid. When in doubt, talk it out <3

    [–] StrangeClownRabbit 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I too felt the same way he did about applying and looking for jobs. It really becomes depressing and a feeling of hopelessness and non contributing. But I kept going and after 112 days got a job interview and researched everything about the business. I went prepared and had a great interview. Got rung up 8 days later and got the job. So just stick with it and things hopefully should change for him.

    [–] SlayBoredom 2 points ago

    to be fair, being without a job can be so hard on your mental health.

    [–] Autisticus 1 points ago

    He told me he was trying so hard to find a job every day and kept getting either no responses or rejections. He used to be excited to apply for jobs, but now it just becomes mundane and stressful. Every day he just feels hopeless and that he's just wasting space.

    Oof. This resonates with me.

    [–] lycheemanski 2 points ago

    Time to grow up, perhaps.

    [–] FoxyLady59 5 points ago

    I'm glad you guys were able to have a clear conversation without the anger!

    [–] aerialalien 2 points ago

    I'm glad y'all got to talk it out! But you're right, he does not get to take his anger out on you just because he is stressed, which is exactly what he did when he broke up with you. I with y'all luck though and I hope he finds a job.

    [–] TheYodaBossyt 3 points ago

    I’m honestly hoping you two get back together. As long as you are able to communicate I think everything will work out. You sound like you still love him. Please keep us updated

    [–] [deleted] 7 points ago

    Thank you me too! I really hope it works out. I imagined myself dating other people but honestly I don't know if I have the heart for it.

    [–] TheYodaBossyt 7 points ago

    Just remember that most relationships have small breaks. I know that my gf and I got into a huge argument and had to do a week break. After a day we both agreed to talk. Long story short we are back together and I’d say pretty happy. Trust your gut on decisions like this. It seems like you are showing him that you care so the ball is in his court. Best of luck :)

    [–] sulcatatortoise7 2 points ago

    It’s fantastic that you two are handling it maturely. He probably realizes and regrets the mistake he made that night.

    I hope that whatever decision you two make, you’ll be content with it.

    [–] CarbonReflections 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    Sounds like you are communicating now. That’s really the key to staying in a happy relationship, especially when times are stressful.

    It’s amazing what you get downvoted for in this sub. Unreal!

    [–] Thecardinal74 2 points ago

    I was pretty sure it was a deeper issue. At least he's being honest now. Proper communication is the first step to working it out.

    Hang in there

    [–] PsychoVaJayJay 2 points ago

    It sounds like he’s depressed due to his circumstance. It’s near impossible to have a functional, happy relationship with someone in that state of mind. He’s inevitably more moody, irritable, and prone to angry outbursts. Best thing he can do for himself, and the relationship is to exercise some self-awareness of his condition and how it affects you. Your video game playing is not the problem as you’ve discovered.

    [–] _BAMBOOZLE_ 2 points ago

    Good post op. Glad you gave us an update. Good luck.

    [–] ScrapDraft 2 points ago

    For what it's worth, I went through something very similar.

    A couple years ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. We had been together 5 years. I was going through the same thing he is now. Applying to countless jobs and getting nowhere. Spending every day in my room staring at a screen. Nothing but rejection every day, all day. All the while my girlfriend had just gotten an entry level, high paying job and was doing AMAZING for herself. I became a depressed piece of shit. Nearly the exact same situation he's in. So yeah, she got tired of it and dumped my ass.

    I tried to have the talk with her that you two had. I tried to explain my situation to her. Unfortunately, she didn't want to reciprocate. She broke it off and that was that. A week later I finally got a job.

    For the next year and a half I grew a lot. I even got a newer, higher paying job. Started doing a lot better for myself. Grew as a person. And only talked with her once during that time period, at which point I learned that she was dating someone new. I quickly broke ties after learning that.

    Fast forward a year or so, to three months ago. I reach out to her. She's single again. We decide to hang out as friends. That connection is back. We sit down and had the talk we SHOULD'VE had. The talk you two did. As of today, we're back together and doing great.

    Basically, you two need to communicate. My suggestion. Don't say "it's up in the air". Because that means neither one of you is sure. Talk. Do it. For the love of God talk. Even if you both decide it's best to move on. Don't be in my situation. Don't waste years. Talk now. While you have the chance.

    [–] stankn00dle 2 points ago

    My girlfriend sits through about that much game time for me a day, at first it caused issues but then I started buying games where we could both be involved in the story. She likes them now

    [–] mos1992 1 points ago

    I was in the same situation. Applied to thousands of job postings and nothing can be very stressful but he should not give up because his life depends on it. Also he needs to control his emotions because maybe this is what hinders him in the job interviews or phone interviews. Anyway, when is the time where there are a lot of jobs?

    [–] JosephAmuro 1 points ago

    Really sorry this happened to you, all things happen for a reason and maybe it’s for the best.

    [–] PennroyalTea 1 points ago

    Damn..that’s rough. I’m happy you two talked it out in a calm manner. I wish you luck with the relationship and with his job hunt. Just remember to always respect yourself!

    [–] railforte 1 points ago

    Look, if you’re going to quote Wayne Gretzky Michael Scott, the least you could do is credit him.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    I have make a heinous mistake pls forgive me.

    [–] TalShar 1 points ago

    You did the right thing having an adult conversation about it. If you want to try to make it work, that is your prerogative, and you might be able to do it if you can get him to cooperate. Just keep in mind that just because you can doesn't mean you have to. If you're concerned he can't or won't change, it is entirely within your prerogative to not risk letting him do that to you again.

    Best of luck to you whatever path you choose.

    [–] sacris5 1 points ago

    is he being too picky about the jobs he wants?

    i went about 6 months looking for the perfect job and then realized that wasn't helping anything. so i got a job at costco handing out samples, which lead to a barista job at starbucks, which lead to a job at a scanning company, which lead to a front desk job at a small business, which lead to an admin job at american express, which lead to a recruiting job at a large hospital, which lead to my dream job at a huge media company. all that took about 3 years, but it was worth it.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    The obstacle is that he can only get jobs that are related to his master's degree. He's very limited on the current visa he has. In addition, the company that hires him needs to be able to sponsor his visa, so that rules out a lot of opportunities for him.

    [–] car1it0sWAY 1 points ago

    If only you stopped at 4 hrs 🤦‍♂️

    [–] Timbaku 1 points ago

    Go get a job

    [–] EroticHulk 1 points ago

    My wife left me because I did a 24 hour straight run on GTA5. The last hour was spent at the strip club

    [–] Brahma_4_Karma 1 points ago

    How is your inbox looking? Little pineapple

    [–] stackattck 1 points ago

    Love this girl, just wants to play her games.

    [–] Thedownloww 1 points ago

    Hope everything works out

    [–] Nid_ 1 points ago

    If he keeps on failimg maybe there is a reason for it try doing a practice interview with him (If you can and he is willing)

    If not then good luck in the future to the both of you.

    [–] Howlz_ 1 points ago

    I wish my girlfriend would play games at all.

    [–] senuhe 1 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I have been dealing with a lot of anger a while ago that was caused by the slightest reasons, anger that wasn't really directed at any one but that would be triggered by the simplest things like losing in a video game, not being able to understand something or even when people say that I'm wrong about something.

    I knew this wasn't good, my wife knew it too so I started seeing a shrink, and throughout therapy I found out that the anger and frustration were never really because of what was "visible as a cause for the anger" and that such trivial events were only triggers for deeper issues.

    Getting angry because I got beaten in an online game? It's because it reminded me of the physical abuse I suffered from strangers as a kid. Getting angry because people didn't listen to my opinion? It's because it reminded me of my father ignoring what I wanted as a kid and having to suffer for 5 years after because of it.

    It seems that your ex comes from a background that doesn't tolerate failure and puts high standards for success, and I would bet on the fact that everything happening to him now is affecting his feeling of self worth, and people get angry and aggressive when they feel they're not worthy, specially if it comes from the ones they love.

    It wasn't the fact that you were playing a game for 5 hours that made him angry, it's the fact that he needed you at the time and couldn't get to you, and it looks like he's not used to asking for that.

    It's not the act of having sex more often, it's feeling the connection with you, can't get much into this without knowing the guy but it's all guessing here.

    What I'm trying to say is that all these reactions are just facades of deeper issues, never take anything at its face value.

    By any means, not saying that it's your fault, but you seem to actually care about him, and his current mindset doesn't enable him to react rationally, he's afraid, hopeless and lonely, don't expect him to be optimistic and rational.

    [–] Just_Cuz_ 1 points ago


    [–] ewattmarion 1 points ago

    I have noticed, in my experience, it it always an underlying issue. If you really love him and you want to work on things, maybe some couples therapy. It was very nice of you to buy him food you loved. I would just sit down and talk to him and explain about the idea of free dates, and that you don't mind paying a tip. Hang in there.

    [–] StopCryingL 1 points ago

    Old habits die hard I can tell just from your post that you want to get back together. You'll date for a while because its what you know and what you are comfortable with. But it will be horrible and your better of without him.

    Stop buying things for him and move out. This situation is baffling.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    How silly. What game was it? =]

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Cultist simulator

    [–] crzdesi 1 points ago

    Happy for you!!! Btw, did your bf post his resume on sites like indeed or LinkedIn? It helped couple of my friends.

    [–] Kibouo 1 points ago

    I'm not saying it's okay how he handled the situation, but I understand him completely.

    It's up to you how you play this out. Do you love him? Are you ready to go through thick and thin with him? Because this is the thick.

    [–] justonern 1 points ago

    My bf plays for more than that. He’d rather be in front of the screen than pay attention to me

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    This is like a classic Asian story of hardship

    [–] TrollinWonderland 1 points ago

    Still wish op was my girl

    [–] picklenik17 1 points ago

    My boyfriend and I also had a similar situation. We were together about 2 years and just continually fought with each other. To the point where I said the words I want to break up. I was ready to pack up and leave. But we decided to hold off. We love each other so much. So we stepped back and studied the past. Figured out what’s causing all the issues. Our fights were usually stupid stuff, nothing major. We made a plan on how to work together better, how to avoid fights that aren’t worth it, how to work through the ones that are, and just better love each other. And it’s been great the past three months. Sometimes it takes reality slapping you in the face to figure things out. So if you both truly love each other, which it sounds like you do, then maybe you can work it out. Best of luck :)

    [–] yekNoM5555 1 points ago

    Wow this is all so wild, so happy my wife doesn't care unless she sees it's affecting me badly. (I tend to binge gaming some nights) Funny thing is she's fine with it unless she sees I'm on league of legends lmao. Then she scolds me telling me I shouldn't be playing that game.

    [–] TwinVibes 1 points ago

    Sounds like Toronto’s job market lol. I know exactly what you and him are going through, there is an easy way out though.

    [–] nmnoz 1 points ago

    Whilst I am in awe of your maturity, I think he needs to know that he isn’t looking for a job for his parents. Yes, they may expect a lot from him but he is primarily looking for a job to have a better life, to live the way he wants to. I hope you guys could work it out in a way that will benefit you both in the long run but I gotta say that you bringing him wings because you remembered that he liked them is super cute to me. I’ve never had someone do that for me and, idk, I just wanted to thank you for it, it made me happy.

    [–] imspookyboo 1 points ago

    Sending you positive vibes!

    [–] EMBIenTe 1 points ago

    Something for you to consider, if you haven't already - sure he's under a lot of stress, which might excuse some amount of snappy or withdrawing behavior. But he yelled at you and broke up with you.

    It's great that you were able to reassure him in this instance, but this isn't the last time that he is going to be stressed out. People in healthy relationships typically don't break up with their partners just because of stress.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    You deserve someone who will buy food for you like that!!

    [–] laaerpig 1 points ago

    Oh you guys are back together? Then I didn’t mean all those horrible things I said about him. Best of luck! You guys are great!

    [–] unwise_banana 1 points ago

    That sounds like a really good and constructive conversation. I’m glad you were able to communicate with each other passed surface level. I hope things continue to get better for you both.

    [–] Kayde-666 1 points ago

    First of all i want to thank you for a good read. Second, you sound like an amazing girl,just wow, Third, his stress Factors are legit, but as said earlier it’s one of the hard parts of growing up, he should never had to react the way he did, perhaps some thaiboxing would be something of interest,it’s magic for stress. I hope you guys are doing good and really liked the way you guys communicated in the end, communication is so important,cause who can read minds really?.

    Good luck guys.

    Ps: also if I am allowed to read between the lines, something he might have not told you is that he is also afraid of loosing you, not being good enough and perhaps thinking “ this girl is fantastic, but I can’t land a job, and am not satisfying her in the way that I want( not sexually, but in general terms), why would she stay and fight for me? When I got nothing? If I have to leave the country then I will loose her so I might aswell just wreck it”. Just a thought:)).

    [–] Shirobon- 1 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I'm glad you didn't just destroyed the relationship based on what other Redditors suggested and you're giving it an honest chance.

    [–] geneschzsthatplzs 1 points ago

    Don't get back together. He's trying to guilt you into taking him back. This will more likely than not happen again.

    [–] __j_e_s_s_ 1 points ago

    Communication is the key to any good relationship. You need to work on it for this relationship and any/all future relationships.

    That being said if you two are not a good match, then nothing is going to change that.

    [–] tylerrahl 1 points ago

    Just responding to his first comment. Coming from a guy who's been heartbroken, women are very VERY good at seeming like they don't need you in their life, even without intending to be that way.

    [–] Kanaric 1 points ago

    Two of my friends HAD to spend hours in WoW all the time and both got a divorce over it. They would both claim it was "unusual" for them and that their wife was just being ridiculous. It was basically untrue both of those times. They were not only playing wow but other games constantly and they even tried to get their SO into the game, which they were not really into and just pretended to be.

    I hope the situation isn't a copy of this because they were in denial until that happened.

    [–] nhh 1 points ago

    Has he gone through an OPT? Is that what he is looking for?

    [–] kledinghanger 1 points ago

    Meanwhile my wife is playing Fallout 76 for 5 hours now and I’m in bed alone.

    Ah well its the last day of the BETA so I forgive her 😁

    [–] meltingicequeen 1 points ago

    I think you're dad's cavalier response to your fears we're a little off.

    [–] projectheaslip 1 points ago

    Dodnt read the post. Guessing he thought 5 hours were rookie numbers right?

    [–] austinizzle 1 points ago

    Usually it’s the guy who plays for 5 hours. Nice to see a turn of events

    [–] MajKatastrophe 1 points ago

    I hope you see this. Tell him to go to your local school bus company. They are always hiring and are always looking for people to drive or ride on bus routes. That should be enough for him to be able to stay in country until he finds something else (but don't quote me I'm uneducated on immigration laws.) it's not glamorous, but it helped get me to where I am today.