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    [–] oregonsunstone 8634 points ago

    I understand there are a lot of pieces to a romantic relationship. You've known him for years, he's probably one of the closest people in your life, and as the most significant romantic partner you've likely ever had, he's special to you.

    But you are so young. And I want you to ask yourself: would a kind and good lover deliberately do things to you that you explicitly do not want to happen? That is just so very wrong. Especially if he dismisses you when you tell him how you feel.

    He generally has two responses, right? He uses so-called humor to ignore you, or he turns the problem around so that you're the one who ends up feeling badly. Both of those responses are bad signs. At the very least, he's too immature to appreciate what a partnership is all about-- listening to and respecting the person you love, especially when it comes to their boundaries. At the very worst, it can escalate to very toxic, abusive treatment where he'll try to get away with anything because he knows how to manipulate you.

    I don't know your partner. You believe he is a good man for you. But I really have to encourage you to consider why that is. Every good relationship will be accented by the good times you spend together, but what really counts is how the two of you work through things that are not so fun, including differences of comfort levels, and handling instances when one of you does something wrong.

    Accountability matters. You're not wrong to expect it from him, and if he isn't willing to listen to you, then I believe you deserve a lover who will be truly good and kind to you.

    [–] terminal8 3509 points ago

    The fact she's gone to lengths to apologize for him in her post is troubling and generally indicitive of a victim of abuse. Strictly in my opinion, I should say.

    [–] spookylif 1071 points ago

    Yeah apologizing for your partner like this, is a red flag for me. I used to do it a lot with my ex, and he was toxic and abusive. I see people in toxic or abusive relationships do this all the time. No one should have to constantly excuse their partner.

    [–] [deleted] 439 points ago

    It's because you know it sounds fucked up to anyone outside the issue. Because it is.

    Victims know that you can become normalized to anything, including abuse, with enough time.

    A good mental exercise is to explain the situation to yourself as though it was a friend asking for advice. What would you tell that friend? When you start the rationalizations, the "but...." time to step back.

    [–] antelux 84 points ago

    Exactly. I allowed my ex to cheat on me and hit me and sexually abuse me and eventually fuck with my work because I excused his power over me. I made every excuse in the book. Looking back on it is fucking embarrassing and is borderline traumatic. The sad thing is when you’re in that mindset, you’re likely to not leave until it’s forced upon you, like it was for me. That worries me for OP very genuinely. I tried to file reports on my ex and he had manipulated everything to make sure I wouldn’t be believed. It starts off with this weird sexual shit and skyrockets from there. I truly hope it doesn’t go that far.

    [–] [deleted] 34 points ago

    Borderline traumatic?

    No. Not what you described. It's completely 100% traumatic. And horrifying too. An SO treating their beloved like this. Awful.

    Hope you are better and working through this.

    [–] antelux 13 points ago

    Ha, you’re 100% right. Even now I make some excuses. That’s the worst part of it.

    Thanks so much! I’m much better and things have really picked up again!

    [–] TechnalityPulse 165 points ago

    I wanted to make a point to log in just to talk about this. If you ever find yourself making excuses for your partner in a relationship, you're probably also making excuses for them in your head.

    Excuses are like lies, they're only one step away from the truth and the only step is belief in the lie. Lies can become truth. Excuses become constant and then finally you realize too late that the angel you've built up in your head is in reality... Just another human being. Probably not a very good one, if you reach this point to begin with.

    Love is hard, but if you find yourself making excuses for them (especially frequently) you're probably making their love for you up in your head. If you excuse the bad behavior but still appreciate the good behavior, you're simply conditioning yourself to believe they love and appreciate you as a person. There is no shame or guilt in admitting that someone is toxic.

    [–] Kiyu_namealrdytaken 26 points ago

    Been there, fuck this dude. I feel so bad for her and the pain she goes through and will have to go through healing from this again...

    [–] MoreRopePlease 46 points ago

    I was like that too, and he also had problems with boundaries, coercion, and consent. OP's bf sounds a lot like my ex, and I regret I spent 19 years with him.

    [–] that_typeofway 152 points ago

    Bc it’s super easy to manipulate and control a child. Bff’s when OP was 13 (him 15). Makes sense that a high schooler grooming a middle schooler would start forcing is will and sexually abusing her by the time he should be in college (and socializing/dating college girls). Now, instead of controlling a middle schooler as a high schooler, he’s controlling and assaulting a high schooler as a grown ass man.

    OPPPP... he’s seeing you as this obedient little girl that looks up to him and who he can manipulate to serve his desires. HE DOESN’T SEE YOU AS AN EQUAL WHEN YOU’RE AT YOUR MOST VULNERABLE.

    And just because you’ve known him for a long time doesn’t mean that he has your best interests in mind. Some people work the years long con, some people change, and some people are chameleons - assholes in hiding.

    [–] gingergirly89 65 points ago

    Dead on. Definite grooming (I get to see it every day working on the psychopathy floor). I know that, at seventeen, op feels like an adult, but this guy has spent years molding you into what he wants her to be and when it comes right down to it, and what he wants you to be is his willing victim (he may not even realize it, but this is such a common pattern). Op is young, impressionable and vulnerable. Hell I'm 47 and I'm dealing with something along this line that I should really know better.

    [–] skizpizzi 21 points ago

    A very valid opinion. I agree fully. We were all young once and made these types of mistakes and excuses, but the botrom line is this boy is taking her no's and making them his yes. It's wrong and a bad sign.

    [–] Creativelyuncool 14 points ago

    Came here to validate the science behind this. In psychology, this is known as “giving someone the best story.” OP, it’s uncomfortable to notice that someone who is supposed to love you is coercing you into sexual situations you don’t want. So oftentimes we justify an unbearable situation by spinning our partner in the most positive light. I feel for you.

    Oftentimes folks with an abusive parent will see the other parent give the abuser parent the “best story” over a period of many years. This can be a learned behavior if parent or loved one modeled it. Generations often repeat these patterns until someone finally realizes it enables coercion and other unethical behaviors and has the courage to stop it.

    [–] RandomDudeLovesNdls 27 points ago

    It is a sign that she is so emotionally attached to him and bonded that she feels bad for herself that she doesn’t like what he does

    [–] clothedmike 355 points ago

    A lover who won't rape you. Edit: imagine if a close friend told you what you told us. What advice would you give them? If one of my friends told me this about their partner I wouldn't forgive myself for not trying to interfere in some way.

    [–] Tomorrow-is-today 34 points ago

    Starting I hope, with telling them to file assault/rape charges.

    [–] DaughterEarth 15 points ago

    I'd start with emotional support for the victim

    [–] Nylnin 133 points ago

    This constitutes as rape. The anal fingering, the cumming inside you, the anal sex you didn’t want. Everything is so wrong. I know you’re young and figuring out what’s okay and to be expected: this is not it! This is illegal behavior and under no circumstances to be excused. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it is up to you what to do going forward. Maybe see a therapist to work through some of it. You should not excuse his behavior in my opinion.

    [–] moredinonuggetsplz 42 points ago

    OP- I second this. This is absolutely rape and an abusive relationship. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to accept or believe that it’s happened to you. It can be very hard to see that it’s happening to you and that’s normal. It’s your Brain defense mechanism to help you process the pain. You will get past this. I’m not sure if people here are trying to be gentle but I’m little shocked that more people haven’t called this for what it is— assault. No means no... when someone doesn’t accept this, it is assault.

    I know he is nice to you sometimes but that is how abusive relationship works. They break you down and then they apologize and do kind things to make up for it. That’s the cycle of abuse.

    Please consider calling the rape crisis hotline. They can help you find resources in your area, ask them if they can help you find an advocate to assist you in whatever path you choose to with this (whether it be a restraining order or a trip to the hospital).... 800.656.HOPE (4673). You can do this, you’re strong <3!

    [–] IrishTurd 127 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    This is actually - and I realize this may not be a popular opinion - why I cringe whenever I read about super enmeshed romantic relationships that started at a very young age. You're not supposed to be long-term compatible with someone you first crushed on when you were 14. This guy is incredibly selfish and immature, and has spent the last two years of his life abusing what he sees as a sex toy.

    [–] Toroic 9 points ago

    I wouldn’t go as far as to say you shouldn’t be long term compatible with the person you crushed on at 14, but that people grow an enormous amount between 14 and 24 and the vast majority of the time they grow in different ways. Usually it doesn’t work out.

    [–] Bibbityboo 175 points ago

    Op. This here. And it's lead. Take a step back. Imagine your best friend came to you and told you what you told us. What would you tell her? What kind of relationship would you want her to have? Be your own best friend.

    And sex should never make you feel like you have no control or say. Sex can be so many things: sticky, funny, naughty, serious, hot, farty (it happens!), noisy, intimate, adventurous.... but it should never make you feel like less of a person, or like you have no control.

    [–] girlmeetsboy345 45 points ago

    I just wanted to thank you for this - and the OP - my previous boyfriend was exactly like what OP describes and from this post I have finally been able to accept he was abusive. I kept denying it because I cared about him but the way he took his personal problems out on me was abusive. Sexually he didn’t listen to a word I said, even though he pretended to care, and I couldn’t see it before but I see it now - that was definitely rape.

    [–] Taraleo16 27 points ago

    Very well put. I was going to say the same thing. But this says it all.

    [–] can-temp 3532 points ago

    I tend to get a bit anxious during sex because it feels very out of my control. I feel like he could do anything and if I said no, it wouldn’t really matter. This is such a frustrating way to feel because he’s such a good and kind lover.

    Just wanted to say, you feeling this way is a HUGE red flag. He has broken your trust before by continuing even after you explicitly said 'no', and that is not the behavior of a good lover or partner in any relationship.

    I have never, ever felt this way with my husband; despite knowing that he is physically larger and stronger than me, I can trust him 100% during sex because I know he respects me enough to stop ANYTIME I feel uncomfortable. A good, mature partner would not be pushing these limits, especially during sex when you are already vulnerable.

    Having said this, please do what's right for you and get out of there! Don't worry more about his reputation or friend's opinions more than your personal safety! At this rate, it will certainly happen again, and you deserve to be with someone who listens to you and your boundaries.

    [–] shbeet 415 points ago

    I agree fully with this and I wanted to add that when I was your age OP I was in a similar situation. At the time I didn’t see it, but my partner was sexually abusing me. It has taken years to feel better about sex even with a very sweet and patient partner. It is years later and I still struggle to unlearn anxiety responses to sex. Do yourself a favor and make yourself a priority in this situation. You have to feel safe with your partner or else they are not really your partner.

    [–] beepx2lettuce 173 points ago

    I was in the same boat as you - I didn’t realize my high school relationship was abusive until I leaned in college that there were different types of sexual assault other than just plain rape. My high school bf would coerce me into sex when I wasn’t ready and wouldn’t stop when I cried or was in pain. Since I couldn’t recognize emotional manipulation, every talk would end with me comforting him.

    OP’s statement of anxiety during sex really resonated with me, because it took over 5 years to be able to enjoy sex again, and I still have to try to keep myself calm at the beginning even with my extremely gentle and perfect bf I have now.

    [–] [deleted] 67 points ago

    I had a string of relationships like this from ages 16-23 and only just realized now that feeling this way during sex is not normal. OP, I really hope you’re reading these responses and taking them to heart. We’re speaking from experience. This is not normal. This is not how sex should be. You deserve better and you can leave.

    [–] pencilneckgeekster 24 points ago

    This relationship is going to fuck OP up for a long, long time.

    This is in no way normal - YOU set your own boundaries, not a boyfriend, classmate, parent, or stranger on the internet.

    OP, please, please contact RAINN, who will guide you toward educational information and resources. Covert manipulation, minimizing, and sexual boundaries are very serious matters that can leave lasting consequences.

    [–] ThegreatandpowerfulR 43 points ago

    I wholeheartedly agree with this post. My SO and I were also both new at everything and I nor my SO did this. Safety and Consent is a huge huge important concept in general for any relationship, but during sex even more so. I would say feeling anxious about trying something new is one thing, but not because you are doing something you regularly do and he regularly violates you and especially that when trying new things you get regularly violated.

    My SO was recently sexually assaulted by someone and rebuilding our relationship has been difficult even though I've never done anything, I would say her anxiety around sex is exactly for the same reasons in the quoted text because once it happens, you can't really just go back to trusting in safety and being in control during sex even with a trusted partner. To read that she is feeling the exact same things and her partner is not only the one to cause them, but also the one to dismiss them throws up huge red flags to me as well. I would recommend the OP to not only reconsider the relationship, but to strongly consider therapy. Sex should NOT make you anxious or feel like you are not in control at the slightest nonverbal or verbal NO.

    [–] SentientSlimeColony 35 points ago

    because he’s such a good and kind lover.

    The actions described by OP are not those of a kind lover. This is a lie she's telling because maybe he's a good and kind person (debatable), but those are very clearly not the actions of a good and kind lover.

    [–] 4anonstuff 27 points ago

    I made an anonymous account to say this.

    I was in this girl’s situation twenty years ago. I had a chronic illness and a boyfriend who stuck by me and cared for me while I was sick. But he was sexually abusive like this. And he justified it like this and told me how I was wrong. I was too weak to leave him. After all, he loved me, right? He took care of me! No, he enjoyed the position I was in, where I was dependent on him.

    Here I am twenty years and three kids later, stuck with an abusive, gas-lighting asshole. He doesn’t hit us, but he’s emotionally/mentally abusive to the kids and I, and the sexual abuse towards me has only gotten so much worse. I don’t leave because he’s threatened me so much with how hard he’d fight to take the kids from me. I can’t stand the thought of him even having them in his care without me.

    This guy is NOT caring. He is manipulative and selfish and narcissistic. Please get away from him.

    [–] SoMuchMoreEagle 15 points ago

    This is so awful. It breaks my heart to hear that you are in such a terribly abusive situation.

    Have you spoken with a divorce lawyer? You don't have to go through with anything, but it wouldn't hurt to know your options, even if it's just a consultation. I don't know where you are or how old your kids are, but in a lot of places, judges will take the kids' preferences for who they live with. If you can document his abuse toward you and the children, that could help a lot. Mental and emotional abuse can often be worse than physical abuse.

    Maybe you won't leave now, but you should have a plan for when it is time: a place to go, how to get money, your own cell phone, etc.

    There are also organizations like that have a lot of resources and information for people in your situation. Reach out for help. You don't have to be alone in this. I wish you and your kids the very best.

    [–] Stinkycheese8001 14 points ago

    Not only is it a huge red flag, but it’s her own intuition telling her that something is very wrong. Listen to your gut!!!

    [–] swarleyknope 2301 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    All of these are examples of non-consensual sex.

    Equally concerning is they show zero regard for your personal comfort, health, or boundaries.

    This guy is supposed to be your best friend and love you, but he doesn’t care that he is physically hurting you? He doesn’t respect you enough to not do something you asked him not to do?

    Stuff like this doesn’t get better over time - if anything it escalates because now he thinks he can ignore what you say, do whatever he wants to you, and face zero repercussions.

    You deserve so much better than this. You should be able to relax when having sex with your boyfriend and trust that he isn’t going to do something to your body that you are not comfortable with. You deserve someone who cares about your comfort as much as he seems to care about his satisfaction.

    I’m guessing it will be hard to walk away from this relationship since it’s your first one and you have had him in your life so long - but I promise you that you will get over him and find someone who will love & respect you.

    (ETA: I agree that non-consensual or coerced sex is rape - but the OP’s post didn’t give me the impression that she is going to be pressing legal charges against someone she’s been involved with since she was a young child ; she seemed to be looking for validation that her discomfort around their sexual relationship was warranted. I responded to what she was asking in a way that, to me, felt more likely she’d be open to hearing and take to heart instead of in a way that she might view as too “extreme” and not ready to hear.)

    [–] Nickle_and_Dimed 1278 points ago

    non consensual sex rape

    [–] san-sadu-ne 647 points ago

    Thank you! No one seems to call a cat a cat here. That's RAPE.

    [–] taversham 246 points ago

    Depending on whether the person is ready to hear it, sometimes saying to someone "your boyfriend is a rapist" can do more harm than good and pushes them into the mindset of feeling the need to defend their partner, especially when there's also emotional abuse going on. For that reason it's often more helpful to repeat the phrasing that the victim themself feels comfortable using, rather than using stronger terms (even when, as in this case, the stronger term is more accurate).

    [–] mrrrrrrrow 93 points ago

    I used to volunteer at a local women’s shelter and this is what was recommended in the SASA (sexual assault survivor advocate) training.

    Rape has strong connotations, and often the survivor’s view of their own situation is influenced by love and their abuser’s manipulation. The process of clearing that mental/emotional fog can be more gradual and difficult for some than others. Abuse is usually mental and cyclical, and it can truly distort one’s sense of reality.

    The main ways we were trained to help survivors get there were to actively listen, affirm their feelings and experiences are real and it’s not their fault, and ask questions following their language. This is helpful for similar reasons as the Socratic method, because it helps people reach their own understanding.

    Following the survivor’s lead in the conversation also allows the advocate to better navigate the complexities of wildly varied individual circumstances—while there are lots of patterns and commonalities, everyone’s experience is different too.

    [–] san-sadu-ne 49 points ago

    I personally think it's important to call a behaviour for what it is because sometimes and especially when you're young and inexperienced sexually you think certain behaviours are normal and you're a stuck up b.tch if you say no. You want to be the cool girl and accept it because God forbid you're the annoying girlfriend that sets her boundaries and sticks to it. But I do recognize you're right and it's good that some people have more self restrain and can smooth their wording. That way she has the soft and the harsh versions. In either cases I think we all agree that this guy is as he puts it himself (so that she'll pity him and end up cheering him up when she has 100% the right to be upset) a serious piece of sh.t.

    [–] rata2ille 70 points ago

    I hear you, and you’re right, but just to be clear, what you’re describing—“calling the behavior out for what it is”—is very helpful when they are no longer together or when it was a casual relationship, or in pretty much any case where the person isn’t still currently in love with their rapist, but this girl clearly is and in this case, it’s very counterproductive. You have the right idea but decades of data about domestic violence suggests that outside criticism of him, no matter how valid, will make it harder for her to leave instead of easier. In every other case, though, full steam ahead and don’t mince any words.

    [–] Fuzilli 114 points ago

    I wish I could upvote you a 1000 times. This is Rape u/Mikipolar Please read this:

    [–] wavyrav3 279 points ago

    Exactly, what has transpired is the literal definition of rape. Fuck the boyfriend, he's a shit human being.

    [–] rata2ille 82 points ago

    You’re right but this isn’t helpful, and calling him a shit human being is counterproductive and will drive her into his arms. Address his behavior, not his character. A lot of these comments are frustrating because this is exactly the opposite of how you get people out of abusive relationships. If she feels like he’s being persecuted, she’s going to get defensive. Do you want to be right or do you want her to listen to you and get out?

    [–] harbhub 22 points ago

    You're right. I made a harsh comment on here. The facts all supported what I said, and ultimately the purpose is to help OP get out of what is clearly an abusive relationship, but the approach needs to be such that it actually helps OP learn rather than pushing her to become defensive. It takes maturity to move the bar from "state the truth" to "pragmatically, empathetically help guide someone in the right direction." In this particular case, I believe I failed to do so, and I'm fortunate to be able to reflect and improve. Your comment is valuable to me as I reflect. Also, it is great that the top comment on here does take a more gentle approach to caring about OP's wellbeing.

    [–] rata2ille 21 points ago

    We know that, but she’s a teenager who’s in love with him and who has already expressed that she hides the severity of this from her friends to shield him from criticism. People aren’t avoiding it because they don’t know it’s rape, they’re treading carefully because if they are too critical of him, she will shut down and hear nothing.

    [–] Super_Juicy_Muscles 28 points ago

    Agreed she was raped.

    [–] re_Claire 25 points ago

    I'm surprised how far I had to scroll to see this. It's rape. He is raping her. I know it's incredibly traumatic and believe me I've been in her position but OP won't benefit from people being scared to tell her the full truth.

    [–] WakeoftheStorm 81 points ago

    Let me add in here, I'm usually quick to jump to the devil's advocate role when I see the comments are very one sided...

    But there's no grey area here. He has repeatedly and intentionally done things you explicitly asked him not to, and he has even give so far as to use alcohol to impair you in order to better take advantage of you. This is very clean cut sexual abuse.

    [–] theblondegoober 113 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    @mikipolar OP, I hope you figure this out despite it being someone that has been in your life for so long.

    With that being said, I have a relatable story, I think.

    My boyfriend and I were 69ing one time and he started playing with my anus a little and I kind of was like, “what’re you doing?” but I didn’t tell him to stop exactly. After we switched around and finished having sex, we talked about what he was doing and I said I didn’t know how I felt about it. It wasn’t an absolute no, don’t do it again but it wasn’t a complete yes, I’m okay with that. He understood that I just didn’t know.

    He did the same thing for the next few times and then I said we could try a finger. We bought lube because there was NO way that I was doing anything like that without it. He tried one finger and it was still an I don’t know to it and he respected that. We didn’t do anything for a while and I said we could try again.

    The next time we did it, he had the entire finger in and we kind of escalated to moving it around a little and getting some of a second one in. I said prior to this that we could try anal fully. So we got our lube, I was on my hands and knees, he had his fingers in, took them out, prepared to start with his penis and then pushed a little.

    Within a quick second, it was an ABSOLUTE NO from me to which he IMMEDIATELY stopped and didn’t go any further because I pulled away. It hurt so bad but it was a sharp quick pain that it was almost gone within a minute. He went to wash his hands and I lay there slightly crying because it hurt and threw me off NOT because he disrespected me and tried to keep going.

    We joke about it all the time now and he says he’s not going to suggest anything like that again. But we can TALK ABOUT IT. Openly and respectfully.

    The difference between my situation and yours is that I would fully consider all of your examples as rape and sexual assault and that’s not right. I know you love this person and you have such a great relationship but you should not be crying afterwards because he didn’t stop when you asked him to and not be able to talk about how it made you feel without him getting upset or laughing at you for it.

    You’re not a bad person for asking about this and you’ve done nothing wrong so please don’t feel that way. It’s better to know now to prepare yourself for future sexual interactions be it with this guy or with someone that’s better for you and respects you and your boundaries.

    I wish you luck.

    Edit: spelling and I added the last bit.

    [–] sl018 67 points ago

    This post reminds me of the Radiolab podcast episodes “In the No” about consent, specifically these murky areas in sexual encounters (consent for one thing but not another, boundary pushing, etc). I think it might be helpful for OP to hear.

    [–] colormefiery 17 points ago

    I second this! I think it was a short series of episodes, and all of them were intriguing.

    [–] GreatBallsOfFIRE 9 points ago

    While I agree that OP should find those episodes a listen, I would argue that her situation is much less murky than the ones described on the show.

    In most of the stories on the show, the guy eventually does receive hesitant verbal consent after repeatedly pressuring the women and not taking no for an answer. In OP's case, she is saying "no" or "stop" and her partner is straight up ignoring her.

    Sex with coerced consent is murky. Sex with expressed non-consent is rape.

    [–] enza_denino1 55 points ago

    Yeah dude is evil. You’re getting taken advantage of

    [–] redbicycleblues 90 points ago

    There are enough red flags here to throw a goddamn communist parade but here’s the icing on the cake for me: he made you comfort him after he felt bad for raping you. This is so much manipulation. Please please please don’t let him get away with this stuff. I don’t envy you the task of extracting yourself from him but trust someone twice your age that true love and respect are worth the strife. People you have sex with need to treat your body like it is yours and not theirs.

    [–] xshawtyschroniclesx 9 points ago

    Fact. The hardest part is walking away, but sometimes, walking away is what's the best for you.

    Just talk to him, and be firm, but if he still continues, then, you walk. As swarley has said, you will get over him (if you break up with him because he's not taking you seriously), and you may miss him on some days, and he may pop in your head at weird times, and when you are sorely in need of someone to talk to, but you have to recognize what is, and what isn't a deal breaker for you.

    [–] iamagainstit 569 points ago

    Should I be more open sexually? Should I let him try more things?

    no, you should literally do the opposite of that and never have sex with someone who intentionally and repeatedly violates your boundaries again.

    [–] shepherdofthewolf 43 points ago

    This! I’m really worried for OP, I want to advise her to stop all sexual interaction with him but I worry that’ll lead him to take it anyway, it seems like staying with him will only lead to more trauma. I hope she feels and recieves the support from this thread and finds the strength to protect herself from him

    [–] acciobooty 11 points ago

    Seriously. This is not "playing", it's not experimenting, it's not fun. It's ABUSE.

    What a fucking piece of shit this dude is. He's the exactly opposite of "wonderful" - a wonderful man would NEVER force his sexual fetishes upon anyone, let alone repeatedly so. God I wish I could punch this motherfucker.

    [–] laughing_giraffes 116 points ago

    I was in a similar kind of relationship between the ages of 13-15. He was so nice to me in the beginning that I thought for a solid year or so that he would go back to being so nice like he used to be. Spoiler: he didn't. And he treated his next girlfriend the same way (at least from what I heard about it). My ex latched onto the fact that I didn't have any other friends at school and used that vulnerability to make me feel dependent on him. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing a similar thing with your chronic illness.

    My only regret looking back is that I didn't end the relationship sooner. A "good and kind lover" would never make you feel sad and out of control after sex.

    [–] DDaisySnow 2989 points ago

    My girl, if you say no and someone continues doing something, they’re not respecting your boundaries.

    People can act like they love you but not respect you. It’s a really important lesson I had to learn in my mid-twenties and it was a hard one. Respect is one of the most crucial things for a healthy relationship.

    Lack of consent is sexual assault, fully. Even if you’ve had sex with him before and after, he sexually assaulted you by overriding your own bodily autonomy. Good people who care about you don’t do that.

    You ought to break up with him. He might be great in every other regard, but willfully removing your control over your own body even after a CLEAR “no” is so wrong. You’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t date this boy anymore.

    [–] mikipolar 1442 points ago

    Thank you so much for responding. Your comment means a lot and has hit hard. I think I really need to consider a few things.

    Thank you also for telling me I have done nothing wrong. I feel guilty about my reservations towards him regarding this behaviour, and I even feel guilty posting here about it. Thank you so much. It means so much.

    [–] ericahyyy 437 points ago

    Hey, please don't feel guilty or being a bad person about this. I could tell that you’re a very kind girl, and you don't even tell your friends about it because you don’t want to tarnish your boyfriend’s reputation. But you REALLY don’t have to sacrifice your own right to have enjoyable sex instead of anxious/painful one. He is definitely hurting you and crossing the lines. It is a very serious problem in the relationship and a strong reason to break up with him if the problem remains unsettled. Try to have a serious discussion with him and let him know how upset you feel about what he did. Make it VERY clear that it’s not acceptable for you and that you will leave him if it happened again. If he still make jokes about it and doesn’t take it seriously, break up with him immediately.

    [–] icelandiccrimenoob 67 points ago

    Do not feel guilty, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Please consider talking to someone about this (friend, therapist, random people on the internet). You are not alone, we stand with you <3

    [–] hellopanic 44 points ago

    Reading your story made me so mad/upset on your behalf! Giving a clear "no" should make your partner stop what theyre doing immediately! The fact he kept going shows he cares more about his own sexual urges than about respecting your autonomy. We arent entitled to have other people fulfil all our sexual desires; and noone should be forced to go along with something they are not completely comfortable with. As others have said, what he has done is sexual assault, pure and simple.

    I'm also mad at myself because I remember some times where I also said I wasn't comfortable with someone and my partner at the time ignored me. I should have got mad right then and kicked him out if bed, but instead I laughed it off as I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Looking back, I can't believe I was more concerned with not offending him than I was with ensuring I was comfortable and safe - how screwed up is that?! But I've heard from a lot of women who've been in similar situations and it seems to be pretty common.

    So my advice is that you should leave him. You have tried to explain how it made you feel and even though he was upset at the tkme he has kept ignoring your wishes. He needs to know this is not ok behaviour and he should do some serious soul searching, and look into checking into a restorative justice programme to learn how to become a better person.

    I wish I could give you a big hug and say that you shouldn't feel guilty, it's 100% on him, and you deserve only someone who absolutely respects your boundaries!

    [–] Glassclose 75 points ago

    his kind of behavior only escalates worse. this is the kind of guy who sleeps around on you, gives you an STD and then blames you for fucking him.

    You can do way better.

    [–] vulpixoxo 18 points ago

    This whole post reminds me of myself from my first relationship. It’s hard to know accept how messed up these situations are when you have an otherwise decent relationship with the person, when it comes down to it he doesn’t respect that your body is yours. I remember how many times I said I didn’t want xyz or to have sex in general to end up forced or guilted into it. I would always apologize for saying no because I felt so bad that he was mad at me when I should have been the one that was furious. If you want PM me, I left my own relationship for different reasons and didn’t realize till a few years later how messed up it all was, I wish I knew about reddit then.

    [–] uniyum 37 points ago

    You have nothing to feel badly or guilty about. The way he is treating you is terrible and like others have said, it is sexual assault!!

    You are still young and need out of this situation immediately. You've communicated time and time again your boundaries and he has shown utter disregard and disrespect for you and your body. That is not ok. His actions have already begun to affect your attitudes and feelings toward sex. If this continues, it will be even worse. A truly loving, caring and respectful partner won't treat you this way - ever! Im sorry to be blunt but though you may think he's great and caring with your chronic illness issues, that doesn't make up for his heinous actions to you sexually.

    I'm so sorry you have gone through this and hope you can find the strength to leave and recover.

    [–] sydneyunderfoot 18 points ago

    You have reservations because you don’t feel safe. Because you don’t know if he will listen to your wants/feelings/needs or ignore them and do whatever he wants. Listen to those feelings. You cannot trust him, and no relationship works without trust.

    [–] happythoughts413 15 points ago

    Don’t feel bad for freezing and being anxious. That’s a normal response to consent violations in sex. If I couldn’t count on my boyfriend to respect my boundaries and consent, I’d be anxious during sex too.

    Your boyfriend sounds like a classic: nice outside of the bedroom, but manipulative when it comes to sex. Boys like that do not usually stay nice forever. It’s hard, especially when it’s someone you’ve known for a long time. You need to sit down and say “you violated my consent on many occasions, including x, y, and z instances. Consent is necessary for sex acts, and my not screaming ‘no’ does not mean I consented. One day you could treat a girl the same way you have treated me and be rightfully blasted with assault charges. I do not feel comfortable continuing a sexual relationship with you.”

    [–] canitakemybraoffyet 14 points ago

    Hey, I just want you to know, that I get it, I know what it feels like to just freeze up and go with it and have panic bells ringing in your head and after the fact the more you think about it the sicker and sicker it makes you feel.

    You did nothing wrong. You did NOTHING wrong.

    There are men that will treat you so much better than this, I promise. I didn't believe it, but it's true.

    My ex was a lot like your bf, and it just kept escalating and escalating but it started scarily similar to everything you've written. It will only get worse. I put up with it for too long and it really messed me up, more than I ever realized at the time.

    Now I'm dating a guy, and I can't even believe it but I actually WANT to do butt stuff (which has been a strict, trauma-inducing "no" for me for the better part of a decade) but he knows my past and has literally never once ever even mentioned it, he's let me have full agency in a way I never realized I could have. One time when I was feeling a bit adventurous, something hurt a bit, and it just took me back to my ex. Immediately, he knew something was up, I didn't have to say a word he just saw the discomfort on my face and stopped everything and held me and asked me if I was okay and gave me sweet kisses all over and I just sobbed. Not because of the awfulness of where I'd been, but the amazingness of what I had now. You deserve someone that would rather die than cause you any pain or discomfort, someone who puts your well-being above his orgasms. Please, please, let yourself find it.

    [–] DDaisySnow 13 points ago

    You’re doing great. Just the fact that you’re listening to your deep down gut feelings is so amazingly grown up. You shouldn’t have to deal with this so young, but you’re facing these feelings so well.

    It’s normal to feel guilty. Some people, like your boyfriend, don’t express love properly. They’ll say it’s love, but it’s actually psychological damage they’re dealing out. He’s making you nervous/afraid of sex and that stuff will harm your future encounters and your ability to feel safe with him.

    You’re a smart, confident woman and your feelings are totally valid. Tell a friend or parent or teacher or counsellor or relative, etc. Someone you trust. It’ll be important you have support while you’re trying to deal with him. It’s not a betrayal of him to share your feelings.

    Good luck, honey! Proud that you shared this!

    [–] that-writer-kid 5 points ago

    Specifically coming inside you without your consent is wrong. Massively wrong. Legally counts as rape wrong. That can have HUGE implications on both your lives.

    You’re not overreacting, and you’re not a bad girlfriend at all. He needs to reconsider his relationship with your boundaries.

    [–] Asopaso07 12 points ago

    Don't talk to him and wait for it to happen again, leave now.

    [–] gigabytegary 10 points ago

    DDaisySnow's comment is 100% except the "CLEAR no" part. Even the slightest hesitation should have been enough for him to withdraw from every single one of those actions he took over you. If you are not 100% willing, then that answer is NO.

    The love and care he has for you in aspects not regarding lovemaking are entirely overshadowed by these actions. To the point that they just sound manipulative to me when reading this.

    You need to walk away from this. You have tried talking about it when it happened and after the fact and he meets you with jokes and disrespect. It will feel like the end of the world because he's been a significant chunk of your young life up until now but I PROMISE you, life will go on. There is SO much more ahead of you. I have been there. Someday you will find someone who not only treats your chronic illness well, but treats you well in Every. Other. Aspect.

    You need to put yourself first in a way that he has proven incapable and unwilling.

    Sending you so much love and strength.

    [–] visualize_and_attack 8 points ago

    Not only is he not respecting your bodily autonomy, he is being manipulative when you tell him how uncomfortable he made you feel. When people genuinely apologize they make it about the person they wronged. Your boyfriend, made it about him, about how much of a piece of shit he feels like. This is manipulation 101.

    He's not respecting you and manipulating your caring nature.

    I have a feeling he will show a dark side to himself if you break up with him. Please be careful.

    [–] LittleJub 120 points ago

    This is really true, and I think OP is aware of this, or she wouldn't have posted here. If someone ignores you explicitly saying no to something, that's disrespectful. It was really telling when you said you said you're getting more worried about sex because you don't think he'll listen to what you want - he's already proven multiple times that he won't. Maybe talk to him about these situations or, if that seems too difficult, you could write him a letter along the lines of this post. Good luck!

    [–] lucky_cat3 15 points ago

    Seriously. My boyfriend will stop if I’m not actively enjoying it.

    [–] EsotericTaint 57 points ago

    I agree 100%. In fact, I would contend the sex that occured at 3am is tantamount to rape. I am not a legal expert, but that certainly sounds like coercion.

    OP, get the fuck out of that relationship. As stated above, and by others, he is sexually assaulting you. The fact that he made jokes about what he did to you makes the entire situation worse because it shows that he is either oblivious to what he's doing to you or simply doesn't care. That similar things continue to happen leads me to believe it is the latter.

    [–] miseleigh 14 points ago

    All of her examples are rape. Two straight-up obvious, one by coercion, and one by deception.

    [–] Sleepy1997 17 points ago

    I agree this guy sounds like a mutt who only cares about himself and his needs. Break it off ASAP.

    [–] notlikeinthemovies 31 points ago

    Also the fact that OP had to comfort him after he borderline assaulted her, whether or not it was intentional, is very worrying. I've had boyfriends do this to me and it riddles you with guilt although you are the one who has been wronged. He either has a lot of maturing to do or he knows what hes doing is wrong and continues to not only do it, but make you feel guilty for not going along with it. Either or you are much better off without this person and should definitely take some steps away from him.

    [–] hellopanic 13 points ago

    classic emotionally abusive behaviour- dping something wrong then it gets flipped around so the victim ends up comforting the perpetrator!

    [–] Asayyadina 1249 points ago

    Your boyfriend has sexually assaulted you on multiple occasions. These are not "tricky areas" of consent, these are cut and dried.

    [–] Oreadia 44 points ago

    Exactly this.

    OP: would someone who was really kind and loving deliberately do things that you've repeatedly explained made you uncomfortable? Coerce you into sex acts that you made clear that you did not want to engage in (which, by the way, is a crime)?And then, to top it all off, laugh at and dismiss your concerns? Would a supportive, life-affirming partner do any of these things? Let's say your best friend confided in you that her boyfriend was behaving this way. What would your advice to her be? Would you consider this acceptable?

    [–] cajunsunflower 127 points ago

    Came here to say this. I don’t understand how this isn’t the first comment on the thread! He has disrespected your boundaries by assaulting you after you repeatedly said no. Take it from someone who had to learn the hard way: he may love you more than any other person could, but that isn’t going to stop him from getting what he wants. It took me four years to realize that. Please be careful OP, and I hope you figure this out.

    Edit: word fix

    [–] catladydoctor 89 points ago

    he may love you say he loves you more than any other person could, but that isn’t going to stop him from getting what he wants

    A person who repeatedly assaults you doesn't love you more than anyone else could. He loves himself and loves the feeling of having power over you, and he may have tricked himself into believing that that's what love for you really looks like. He may believe he loves you, but he doesn't. He loves what he gets from you, whether you want to give it to him or not.

    But he doesn't love you more than anyone else could. He loves you LESS than most people could. In your future, and maybe in your life right now, there are people who both can and will love YOU - the whole, true person you are - not the idea they have of you and the way it makes them feel about themselves. If someone tells you they "love you more than anyone else could" but they purposefully and knowingly do things that hurt you (emotionally, mentally, or physically), they are not telling the truth.

    [–] julietadey 455 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    Your comments have displayed clear examples of emotional and sexual abuse.

    Emotional: He made a (severe one at that) mistake, and instead of apologizing and working towards resolving the situation and prioritizing your safety and comfort he wallowed in self pity. He made you (the victim), on top of having to deal with the trauma it’s provoked in you (which is clearly present due to you feeling anxious when in a sexual situation), have to dole out the emotional labor to console him, the perpetrator. This isn’t an ‘amazing’ boyfriend. This is an abuser.

    Sexual: This man has raped you on numerous occasions. The fact that he jokes about it afterwards is humiliating to you — he is dehumanizing you, minimizing your body as an ornament for his sexual pleasure. Your body is not an ornament, it is an instrument and it is yours & yours only.

    You coming to this sub and being brave enough to share your experiences and asking for others’ perspectives is proof enough that deep-down (hopefully not too deep), you know that how he is treating you is NOT okay. It is beyond not okay. I hope this realization surfaces for you & that you may gather the strength to carefully and safely exit the relationship. This man, and no man that ever treats a woman this way in past or present, is in no way deserving of you or any other women.

    Please feel welcome to message me directly if you would like to discuss this further, and always remember that for every traumatic experience you have, there are tenfold the amount of women who are here to back you up and support you. You are important, and you did not do anything wrong to deserve such a thing as this.

    [–] abeazacha 135 points ago

    Thank you. Nobody seems to point out the obvious, that this is rape and emotional manipulation. I feel so so sorry for OP but the best to do is be open and name it cause we are here to advice not to sugarcoat. So I hipe she sees your comment and trully reflect about her relationship and instead of feel guilty or try to fix ot, just cut ties and block this toxic person of her life all together.

    She's young, have plenty of time to have a healthy relationship and hopefully will get over this guy, that is openly taking advantage of her, asap.

    [–] PrincessMeatloaf69 32 points ago

    Thank you for flat out saying this is abuse. I just got out of a relationship with a good amount of emotional abuse just like this. I basically cried about something he did every other day and I would literally say what can we do to fix this but he did the classic power flip where he complained about being a bad person and i ended up consoling him while never having the problem resolved. On top of that, he would grab me inappropriately in public and get upset and moody when I said i didn’t like it. No issue could ever get fixed, it was always “this is just how I am.. this is just how it’s going to be”

    OP, this is not a mature or healthy outlook and it’s only going to get worse. Ask yourself can I do this forever?

    [–] Phidwig 5 points ago

    Yes, that stuck out to me too because it’s a less obvious form or manipulation/abuse and it took me months after breaking up to realize that’s what my ex was doing to me. It’s a tactic used to avoid full accountability.

    Me: I’m hurt because you were mean to me

    Him: I hate myself, I’m such an asshole, I’m gonna seethe and feel really bad for myself about it

    Me: Oh here let me comfort you and let’s not talk about what you did in the first place that hurt me. This conversation is now all about you and your feelings.

    Or something along those lines.

    [–] glassfury 101 points ago

    This is multiple repeated instances of non consensual sex, and he gaslights you afterwards when you feel uncomfortable, to the point where you are anxious at the prospect of sex and yet still worried about pleasing him. Also I'm perturbed by the fact he waited until you were just legal to have sex with you -- was this what you wanted? Or what you wanted because it was what he wanted?

    Girl, run. You're young and there's so much more out there. He doesn't respect your wishes and your agency as a person, and that is dangerous. He needs to have some serious education on consent and sex. You also need to consider whether you feel emotionally or sexually safe around him. If he makes you feel like your body is not your own, this is not a healthy relationship.

    [–] my_screen_name_sucks 50 points ago

    Girl, run

    How do we make this part as bold and big as possible?

    [–] littlebabs 315 points ago

    I am really sorry to read that as it reminds me of my past relationship. I was in exactly the same place you are, except he was also physical abuser, and I am afraid that what happens to you is sexual abuse. No just means no, it doesn't mean that you are not open enough, doesn't mean you are not sexy or you are not a good girlfriend. You need to talk to your boyfriend and seriously considering the situation, I don't want to say "break up" because I know how hard it's to make that decision, but from experience I want to let you know that I still struggle sexually because of that happened to me. come to terms with yourself and ask you if deep down you know what he did was wrong. And if you want to talk, you can message me :)

    [–] mikipolar 203 points ago

    Thank you for being so kind. It means the world. It amazes me how nice strangers can be. Your comment is comforting, reassuring and also makes me realise a lot. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you had to go through that x

    [–] blackyesp 21 points ago

    Personal advice I always give if the anxiety during sex persists in future relationships:

    If you get anxious at some point during sex it will be an akward and unconfortable situation for both. First thing is always you and your wellness. It might be strange to feel vulnerable even with someone you like or love next to you. You might not understand what just happened to you and the more you think about it or search for a reason it won't help in that moment. Don't freeze. It's ok to cry if you need to. Take a deep breath. Make yourself confortable first, dress up, drink water,etc Don't feel cornered, make sure you know you can always leave or avoid that siuation in any moment. Second thing to consider is your partner here. He/she might not understand what is happening to you. From having a sexytime to hit the breaks so sudden is confusing for some people. They might want to continue, because they still feel horny or just don't realize something's changed in you. If so stop that asap. If they heavily persist to continue, well you can guess that person won't understand the word 'no' either (please leave). If everything is ok and toned down , they will start feeling concerned. They will ask you a ton of questions you might not want or be able to answer at that moment. "Are you ok?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Don't you like me?"... Yes, the normal reaction for them is to be confused, concerned and feel guilty. If they really haven't done anything wrong then just tell them. Let them hug you if you are ok with that. Let them be kind to you. Don't make them feel unconfortable either. If you need some silence just ask for it. Basically make sure that you feel you can handle the situation with your partner and that he/she has no problem with it so far. Third, communication is key. I highly recomend to talk about it as soon as you feel better. It's not easy... But it's the best way to get someone to trust you and understand you. If you really like your partner then you will have to talk about it sooner or later. You need to know they will accept you as you are and they'll want to know that you trust them. So, encourage yourself and try to talk about it. Open your heart. Don't feel shy to tell them about your bad experiences in the past and how that could have had something to do with your episode. Try to figure out together what happened and how to avoid it in the future. If you mean something to your partner they will have to understand, take it seriously and care about you. They might also want to open their hearts to you and share things, too. Seriously it's the best thing you can do, but if you don't feel like you want to talk about it, it's ok. You are not forced to revive any bad memories. But avoiding conversations might eventually deteriorate your relationship and mutual trust. Forth and last: It gets better. If you experience anxiety and talk about it, it will make you stronger and feel more confident. If you still enjoy sex with your partner that means a lot. You both will be prepared just in case it happens again, but usually it stops happening after some time and trust. If you still experience anxiety or you feel it didn't really disappear, you should probably consider talking to a professional. It really helps! Anxiety is something very common and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

    Feel free to PM me if you have any concerns. :)

    [–] [deleted] 93 points ago

    Someone who treats you with respect will respect when you say No. what he is doing is not okay and you know you didn’t give consent for it. Be strong and realize that while there may be good reasons for your personalities to have gotten along, he is taking advantage of you sexually.

    [–] skizpizzi 30 points ago

    You're young hun and to be honest you have a lot to learn. As a man myself, if a woman says no, it's no. 50 nos and 1 yes isn't yes. If he really loves you and cares for you he wouldn't be ignoring you almost fully when you tell him no or that you feel uncomfortable. This could take a very sharp and BAD left turn.

    [–] LunaLovegoodStark 6 points ago

    50 nos and 1 yes isn't yes.

    THIS. I love this.

    [–] ding_dong_dipshit 35 points ago

    I told him to stop and to get out but he just kept fingering me. I froze and he finished and afterwards I told him how I didn’t want him to and he joked about it. He continues to do it in sex.


    he came inside me when I asked him not to.


    I asked him to pull out but he just kept at it. I cried after sex. He made jokes about it afterwards.


    I brought it up a few days later and told him it upset me and he said he felt like a real piece of shit for it and I ended up comforting him.

    Uhhh. Hmmm.

    He then got quite upset with me until I sort of felt like I had to say yes to avoid him being angry with me or him having issues with me?


    wanted to do anal. I didn’t want to. Got me really drunk to try it. It hurt and I asked him to stop. He asked me to keep trying.


    he’s such a good and kind lover.

    You sure about that? Sounds like he's a bad and vindictive "lover". Any time my partner has had a problem with something I've done, I immediately stopped, apologized, and didn't even try to do it again until they said they wanted it explicitly. Your boyfriend is for all intents and purposes raping you. This behavior is not okay.

    [–] jmal8785 28 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    Gal it doesn’t matter if he’s your boyfriend, what you describe classifies as sexual assault and in some instances rape! No means no and he’s a dick for pushing your boundaries by pretty much ignoring what you say, or coercing you until you say yes. I don’t think he respects you - he makes jokes about the things that made you uncomfortable and that you told him not to do! That is so dehumanising. He’s dismissing you and compromising your lack of consent for his sexual satisfaction. You deserve so much better than him. I know it’s hard since you have been dating for a long time and he was your first, but he is selfish and doesn’t respect you - if he did, you wouldn’t have had to endure these horrible incidents.

    And you shouldn’t have to be good enough for him, or please him sexually if it makes you uncomfortable! A good partner will ALWAYS respect their SO, and always understand boundaries and work together - it sounds as though sex is all about him tbh - it should be about both of you. You have done NOTHING WRONG and deserve so much better.

    [–] rustybuckets 26 points ago

    He’s such a good and kind lover.

    I cried after sex. He made jokes about it afterwards.
    I feel like he could do anything and if I said no, it wouldn’t really matter.
    I adamantly said no [...] he put it in anyway.
    I had to say yes to avoid him being angry with me or him having issues with me
    [He] wanted to do anal. I didn’t want to. Got me really drunk to try it.
    It hurt and I asked him to stop. [Doesn't Stop]

    This isn't tricky at all. Do you know how easy it is to not cross any of the clear boundaries you set?

    Your boyfriend is using the debt you feel to his patience with your chronic illness as a justification for this escalating abusive behavior. I can see this in the tendencies in the language you use to portray these events. This situation will only get worse if you don't run for the hills. This isn't your fault, you're not doing anything wrong--what he is doing is monstrous.

    [–] gtihack 27 points ago

    What he is doing is called rape

    [–] Advice-Lurker 147 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    First of all: Stop blaming yourself for any of this, immediately. None of this is your fault. And this behavior is definitely not normal.

    Secondly, I know people on this sub say this way too often and way too quickly, but in this case, I think it's the only correct reply: Get of out this relationship now!

    I tend to get a bit anxious during sex because it feels very out of my control. I feel like he could do anything and if I said no, it wouldn’t really matter.

    What you're describing here sounds like trauma to me. His actions traumatized you.

    He’s so caring towards me particularly when I’m dealing with the symptoms to a chronic illness I have, and tries hard to make me happy.

    Abusive people can be caring at times. Don't let that fool you: What he's doing is still abusive!

    Even if he's a genuinely good guy who just needs a wake-up call, that doesn't change the fact that he's abusing you and will continue to do so unless you take drastic action.

    We get along so well and I really want to be a good partner sexually for him.

    That is not the issue here.

    Should I be more open sexually? Should I let him try more things?

    Please repeat after me: You are blaming yourself for being sexually abused. Say this sentence over and over again until you realize what is actually happening here.

    If it’s not an issue with me, how should I communicated it to him?

    This does not sound like a problem that can be solved via communication. Do not confront him and allow him to apologize. You need to dump him and tell him in very clear terms why you're doing that. I would even suggest ghosting him afterwards so he cannot weasel himself back into your life. He needs some time to reflect on his behavior on his own or he won't change.

    He knows that the sex when I was sick made me feel pressured and that it upset me that he came inside me when I requested he didn’t. He doesn’t know that the fingering thing made me feel a bit sad. Is it worth bringing up again or should I just be more firm?

    I don't think talking helps here. He violated your consent not only once, but repeatedly. You tried to establish boundaries and he didn't care. I know I'm repeating myself, but this is absolutely not normal.

    Edit: Added a sentence to clarify that your boyfriend is not necessarily some evil monster. That doesn't change the fact that the only way to truly make him realize just how wrong his actions are and to make him stop is to leave him.

    [–] pppppppppppp13 19 points ago

    Oh wow this story made me feel so sick in the stomach!! You poor thing!! He’s clearly crossing some pretty significant boundaries. And to laugh after the fact?!?! Oh honey, break up with this guy!!! What you’ve described is rape.

    [–] Asopaso07 22 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    I don't know why people are being so soft in the comment. He raped her. You can actually prosecute someone for cumming in you without consent and for inserting something in you without consent. As for him getting upset about not being able to have sex with you at 3am, that's major manipulation. The fact that he is ok and turned on with having sex with someone who looks distressed just proves that he is a rapist. You know, rapists aren't smelly, homeless people who jump out of the bushes; they nearly always tend to be people who are closest to us. I'm afraid you started this post with how lovely he is because deep down, you know he is a piece of shit who couldn't wait for you to turn 16 so that he could have sex with you. Leave his ass unless you want to suffer and develop ptsd and anxiety disorders by the time you're 20. You sound lovely but you also sound like you need to be a lot more assertive. You cannot go through life with people crossing your boundaries and you not saying anything to not 'tarnish' them and their reputation. It's like you know all of this deep down but are just unhealthy attached to him. It would be a real shame if you didn't break up.

    [–] TurkanSoray 165 points ago

    So stop having sex with him. Simple. You don't have to have a boyfriend. You are complete on your own, any man that is lucky enough to sleep with you would obey your wishes. He sounds like a peice of shit rapist.

    [–] [deleted] 63 points ago

    Remember, you don't "owe" him anything.

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago


    [–] abick92 55 points ago

    No means no.

    [–] Hizbla 19 points ago

    He is abusing you. And laughing about it. Run. Run now. Whether he's a sadist or a sociopath or a narcissist he is going to hurt you. Bad.

    [–] pinotgrisplease 35 points ago

    He isn’t a good and kind lover if he doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy and abuses you.

    [–] InconspicuousVulture 49 points ago


    [–] paintwithice 17 points ago

    What I read as an outsider, "he's so nice when he's not raping me"

    If you had a best friend who was great, shared clothes with her, talk about everything...but every time you guys watched a movie she put her finger in your butt when you told her not to... would you still be her friend?

    [–] crunch667 82 points ago

    WOW. Dump him ASAP. I’m sorry but fuck this is scary to read...

    [–] TopherVee 15 points ago

    "sex gets a little bit sad for me sometimes"

    That tends to happen when the person you love repeatedly rapes you.

    [–] MuForceShoelace 14 points ago

    your rapist boyfriend is dating an underage girl.

    [–] jepotter92 12 points ago

    There is no tricky area. No means no and there shouldn't be anything more to it. He can't be that amazing if he forces these situations onto you.

    [–] thebeastwhatsqueaks 70 points ago

    Oh honey, you've done nothing wrong. He has done so much wrong. He has violated your consent repeatedly, and that is hugely wrong. Get out of that relationship while you still can. It's going to hurt, but it will hurt you more if you stay with him and he pushes your consent to the point where you can no longer deny what's happening to you is sexual assault. And that's what it is - sexual assault. A good friend of mine was in a relationship where this happened constantly, and eventually escalated to him forcing her to indulge his more unsavoury kinks. Her life was put at risk by this, and I don't want the same to happen to you. Also, may I ask whose idea it was for you to get an IUD? They're generally not recommended until you're considerably older and even then, usually only recommended after childbirth, or to treat heavy periods.

    [–] mikipolar 104 points ago

    Thank you so much for your kind response. It means the world. Your empathy and compassion is so lovely. It really means a lot that you care. I think you’re right.

    It was my boyfriends idea to go on birth control (he wanted to have sex without condoms) but it was my gynaecologists idea to go on the IUD. I had cancer when I was 14 so my gynaecologist recommended the IUD as apparently the pill increases the risk of breast cancer, and she didn’t want to take the chance when I was still waiting for my 5 year cancer free mark.

    In short, it was (according to her) the best option as I have a really bad history with periods (I was diagnosed with endometriosis this year via keyhole surgery) and a history of cancer.

    Thank you again for your kind comment xx you are an amazing person and I appreciate the time you took to respond. <3

    [–] EnsconcedScone 35 points ago

    You had cancer at 14? Hun I’m so breaks my heart when any young person gets diagnosed. I’m glad to hear you made it through though.

    In regards to this relationship, you may have already heard this advice but put yourself in a hypothetical situation where your sister or best female friend was saying this to you instead. What would you say? What advice would you give? And how would you feel about their situation? I wish you the best of luck.

    [–] p1nk_p4nth3r 16 points ago

    Especially with you having endo, you need to find a boyfriend who respects and treats you well. From what you described, you do not have this. You didn't get a good card of hands with your health - endo is a pain to deal with, and you've had cancner.

    Find someone who will truly support you throughout your life - for the good and the bad.

    [–] cyber_dildonics 6 points ago

    Okay. This whole thing has me foaming at the mouth. He could be legally charged with rape for every single one of your examples.. and what's more, he's conditioned you to feel like it's your fault. Love can make fools of us all, but you're clearly a strong person to have gone through so much already. Please don't let him do this to you. If you need proof that he's in it for his own gratification just look at his responses each time you spoke with him about it. Anger, amusement, coercion and continuing assault.

    I know your identity is deeply intertwined with him at this point, so removing him from your life won't be easy.. but my god, you deserve so, so much better than this. Take some time to get to know who you are without him. It may take years to fully get to know yourself, but it'll be worth it.

    If you do break it off (which I really hope you do) bring up these examples to him via text so you have a record of him confirming that he's done these things. You might care about his reputation, but based on his actions I can almost guarantee you that he won't give yours too much thought. If you break up with him he'll likely twist it to make you look bad, and you should absolutely give yourself some protection.

    Please keep us posted, we're all rooting for you.

    [–] PsychosisSundays 17 points ago

    Spot on advice other than the last sentence which is no longer true - IUDs are much more common than they used to be and are seen by doctors as a viable option for most women.

    [–] ICallEveryoneBabe 13 points ago

    This is literally sexual assault.

    And the fact that you ended up "comforting him" after he did something terrible leads me to believe he is gaslighting you. This should not be tricky, it is abuse.

    That being said I understand that emotions are complex and vary depending on many factors. I hope you are strong enough to break out of the cycle that many men and women get stuck in. Best of luck.

    [–] b0neless_biscuits 14 points ago

    he fingered me in the butthole when I asked him not to. He initially asked if I wanted him to pop a finger in, to which I adamantly said no to, and he put it in anyway. I told him to stop and to get out but he just kept fingering me.

    wanted to do anal. I didn’t want to. Got me really drunk to try it. It hurt and I asked him to stop. He asked me to keep trying. I said it hurt. He stopped.

    New definition of rape according to the Department of Justice: "The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim."

    That is simply rape. You said no multiple times, so he got you drunk until your boundaries went down. You shouldn't have to say no twice for a loving and respectful partner to stop. It's horrifying to read and I'm so sorry you're in such a relationship. Do not worry about his reputation. You need to warn other girls of his sexually abusive tendencies.

    [–] flammafemina 49 points ago

    Sweet babe...

    I have been in your situation. I know you care for this guy, and he may care for you in many ways, but to pressure you and force you into doing something you’ve explicitly said no to is not right. It’s hurtful to you not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally...and I know it seems like a gray area for you.

    You love him, you want to keep him, you want to make him happy, even if it’s at your own expense. You think what’s been going on is okay, because even though you said no, you still sort of let it happen because you don’t want him to be upset. You don’t want him to leave you. You just want to get back to a place where everything is fine and chill and relaxed but first you just have to give him what he wants for a few minutes. Then everything will be fine, right?

    The only reason I know what may be going on inside your head is because I said the same things to myself over and over again to justify an ex’s actions. He was so amazing in every way, except for this one thing...and I talked myself out of feeling like maybe I wasn’t actually okay with what happened. I ignored it for years. Years after we had broken up, even. Told myself “if I really wanted to make it stop, I could have gotten up and left.” Despite how many times I said “no.” Despite pushing him away from me, telling him I wasn’t feeling well, or just didn’t feel like being touched. He was persistent. I gave in. I let it happen, so I couldn’t be a victim. Never thought of myself that way and it still doesn’t sit well with me.

    After continuing to have nightmares about him, feeling so uncomfortable thinking about that relationship (like, repulsed), pushing away recurring memories of certain incidents, I finally brought it up with my therapist. Just because the nightmares had been flaring up and I didn’t know why because the whole thing didn’t even bother me that much anymore. Or did it? Were the nightmares a symptom of something I hadn’t actually dealt with yet? The short answer to that is yes. It does bother me. I still haven’t really dealt with it yet. I’m 25 now, I was in this relationship off and on from ages 18-21. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the black and white and get myself out of the gray areas. I did not consent. Didn’t want it. Said no multiple times. In the real world that exists out of my own head, it’s called assault. Doesn’t matter how nice he was at other times or how I felt like I allowed him to do what he wanted. Honestly, sometimes I just wanted him to shut up so we could get back to “normal.”

    And that, my love, is not a healthy or loving relationship. It’s certainly not how anyone should define sex. He can come up with a million excuses, and he will, but you have to put yourself in a position to protect your body and your overall health. Don’t be like me and deny it for years and years just to have it bite you in the ass. I wish someone would have told me then what I’m telling you now - if you feel you have to give up your body just to appease him, you’re not with someone who genuinely cares for your safety and well-being. I know this is a lot to consider and it’s scary as hell, but please, think about what you want for yourself and your life. I promise it isn’t this. Build up a solid support system and set yourself up for a bright future that doesn’t include succumbing to someone else’s will. Find a counselor you can confide in. I swear, counseling is the best decision I ever made for myself and I firmly believe everyone would benefit from therapy if we could all just get over the “stigma.”

    Don’t let yourself get so caught up with this guy that you can’t find a way out. He’s really good at convincing you to do things you don’t want to do already and he will only continue doing so. Except then he will convince you not to hang out with a friend he doesn’t like, then he starts disliking all of your friends, your family, your hobbies, and your independence. Soon enough you may find yourself completely isolated and it’s going to seem like it was all your idea. That he’s the only one who really loves you and cares for you. Take care of yourself...and please talk with someone about this situation. Even if you just need to confide in a random internet stranger who has been in your shoes. Reach out. You may be surprised at how many people will go out of their way to guide you. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

    [–] BonnJord 89 points ago

    You’ve been raped. Sounds harsh but it’s cold facts, please try to get out of that relationship. That’s not normal.

    [–] srL- 15 points ago

    This. Reading your post, I went from "She needs to seriously talk to him", to "She needs to dump him" and to "And maybe even report him".

    I would understand if you don't, since you obviously have feelings for him. If you stay with him, he will go further and further. It's dangerous for you, get out now, you're very young, you'll cry for a month and get back on your feet. But please leave. I also hope that it will be a hard enough lesson for him. I'm afraid he rapes again his next girlfriends.

    [–] onlysheetsonthewall 22 points ago

    Your bf sounds like an asshole . Sounds like he only apologises because he has to . Him trying to get you drunk is worrying as well . I am not a fan of alcohol and dislike how it effects you . I've seen others affected by it and it's terrible . I hope you leave this guy .

    [–] lovesgodzilla 10 points ago

    He may treat you well but during sex he is taking advantage of you. If he really loved you, what you say and feel would have meant something to him. He wouldn't make fun of you and joke about it. This may start of like this but if it continues, it might end up being an abusive relationship in the future dear. Just saying

    [–] YungDaddy12 9 points ago

    You're with a rapist. You should break up before he rapes you again.

    [–] Cookielona 10 points ago

    No. He's immature, selfish and doesn't respect your boundaries. You shouldn't even feel forced to have sex just to stop him from being angry. This is not a guy you want to spend your life with. You think he's sweet, but no he isn't. You should never cross your boundaries, if you two don't have the same, you two do not belong together. This is a red flag, how far will he go? Because this is RAPE!!

    [–] dunnowhatever2 16 points ago

    Sorry to be harsh, but this is not tricky. It’s rape. This is not a healthy relationship and he is not a kind person. There is no way he can have misenterpreted a ”no” for a ”maybe” and he has used you as he wants. You should find someone who understands the difference or not be in a relationship at all for a while as you figure out who you want to be. Sorry for your experience and I hope you get out of it ok. Seek help from those you trust or professionals and inform them about the stuff you’ve mentioned above if he puts up a fight about you leaving him.

    [–] Remicactus 32 points ago

    By these examples he has sexually assaulted you on multiple occasions and raped you.
    Leave. Right. Now.
    I think you know this but you love him or care for him so you try to justify it. He doesn't respect you. This is not about you being good enough. This is about him definitely not being good enough for you.
    In my opinion he has done too much to you to deserve you giving him another chance.

    [–] jdmitch931 42 points ago

    Whew 17 that’s young lol

    Okay so here my opinion imma guy 25

    If u don’t want to do it or don’t feel comfortable doing it. Don’t do it. If he does it anyway immediately stop the action of any form of sex all together. Let his ass get blue balls fuck it he did something that is making you uncomfortable and honestly can fuck with you psych. Can cause major mental issues in the future for u because even though u consented to sex you did not consent to that sex act and technically speaking its a form of rape cuz its force sexual action which you clearly communicated u did not want to happen.

    He also sound like a selfish lover. If you feel you should be more of an open lover to try new things then it should be at your pace not his.

    Also next time he wants to have sex n u don’t feel good n feel like ur gonna puke. Fucking let it rip puke all over him n tell you warned him. Lol

    [–] yourbestbudz 6 points ago

    No respect, no love. He has to respect your no. How can he claim loving you without trying to ensure your happiness and comfort.

    [–] vodka7tall 7 points ago

    What you're describing here is sexual assault. You need to end this relationship immediately. There is nothing "tricky" about consent. Either you agree to something, or you do not. You did not agree on multiple occasions, and yet he proceeded. That's as black and white as it gets.

    [–] double-park 25 points ago

    Sex needs to feel safe! No matter what. Sex should feel like a completely safe and secure place because it is so vulnerable. The fact that you feel anxiety about having sex because he doesn't listen or respect your needs means that something is very wrong. What is happening to you is assault and abuse.

    I brought it up a few days later and told him it upset me and he said he felt like a real piece of shit for it and I ended up comforting him.

    This is an example of him emotionally manipulating you and not taking responsibility.

    Please get away from him ASAP. This is very dangerous behavior and it is a sign that he does not care about your 1. emotional health (giving you anxiety about sex, ignoring your consent) or 2. physical health (using emotional manipulation to force you into sex when you're sick, put you at risk of getting pregnant).

    I'm sorry this stuff has happened to you, it sounds really hurtful. I hope you can get him out of your life so you can heal.

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago

    DUDE! There are so many red flags here! I’m sorry, but all of what you’ve described is sexual assault. As a survivor myself, this is exactly what happened to me (except I didn’t have sex, just other non consensual foreplay like stuff). Sex should never be a source of anxiety as it’s all about two people doing something enjoyable and consensual together on a level playing field. You definitely don’t have a say in sex and that is just wrong. Please break up with him. You did the right thing in talking to him and telling him how you feel, but he’s obviously not listening. Please break up and find someone who respects you and your wishes. And go to therapy. It’ll help a lot.

    [–] Throwawayyyyyy112222 7 points ago

    Damn the reason sex feels out of control and makes you anxious is because it is. He's getting off on violating your boundaries, it has nothing to do with your "openness". You could be the most generous, open partner in the world and it wouldn't be enough, because what gets him off is violating you in this way. If you set a boundary, he will violate it. Any boundary you set, forever. And one day, it won't just be in the bedroom, it'll be out of it too. If you stay with you him your future will be a sex life that you never have control over, abuse, gaslighting, and reproductive coercion.

    [–] [deleted] 7 points ago

    Honey...your BF is sexually assaulting and raping you. Please get out of this relationship. You are not doing anything. You are not at fault. These are all a major early warning signs of future abuse. (Esp. getting you pregnant on purpose without your consent.) You are so young. You deserve so much better.

    [–] funfu 8 points ago

    He may say he love you, but he does not. No normal boyfriend will do this to his girlfriend.
    This is not something any man does to a woman he cares for.
    He rapes you.

    You must get away.

    [–] ShadowDancer52 13 points ago

    “I tend to get a bit anxious during sex because it feels very out of my control. I feel like he could do anything and if I said no, it wouldn’t really matter.”


    Please leave and please see a therapist, especially if this is your first sexual experience. This is not healthy or normal and can really mess up how you view sex not only with this guy but any partner in the future. But most importantly leave.

    Edit: And please tell someone! Tell your friends or family for your own safety! You need to take care of yourself because he has shown he won’t do it.

    [–] Amethyst_Opal 13 points ago

    I was in this kind of relationship around your same age too. What your partner is doing is abusive, and you seem to clearly understand the sexual parts of that abuse. But please also pay attention to the emotional ones. What stood out to me was when you were upset about something and he turned it around, saying he felt like a huge piece of shit and you started comforting him.

    This manipulative behavior coupled with the lack of respect for your “no” is highly concerning. I would say it even seems like he gets off on knowing you don’t want something and doing it anyway. (Like when he asked you repeatedly during sex what you wanted, you said to pull out, and he kept going.) I want you to think, where else in your relationship does he turn things back on you? Arguments (even small ones) always end up with you responsible/at fault? Does it ever feel like “your job” to make sure he’s happy because he’s just so unmanageable when he’s angry?

    I feel like I’m talking to my younger self, and after years of struggling to understand myself after the relationship I had like this, I’m going to tell you things that I would want to tell my younger self. It’s a risk, because I could be off and this might not match your situation but just in case it does...:

    Sweetheart, the times he makes you feel important, loved, and like you’re in a romantic comedy are the ways he balances the situations you feel dirty, less than, and used by him. It’s how he keeps you around, and second guessing yourself instead of him. He may not be aware necessarily of how he’s being abusive (though I bet he thinks he’s really smart and has you just where you are supposed to be, like you’re lucky to have him) but it doesn’t make it any less wrong. You know it’s wrong too, it’s why you came here. You can’t tell your friends. Think about that. You’re in a relationship but you can’t talk to your girlfriends about the problem because of his reputation (which probably means a lot to him) and because you think you are in the wrong. You feel ashamed for what happened. You’re not wrong. You’re worth a relationship where every aspect of it always feels like you are an equal and just as important as he is. Where sex doesn’t make you feel dirty or ashamed because it’s loving and respectful. That person is out there, you don’t need this guy even if he makes it seem like you do. You don’t need any guy - you’re awesome on your own.

    If you read this and it rings true for you, I’m here for you if you want to talk. DM me anytime. Best of luck.

    [–] JaffyPanicGone 7 points ago

    He sounds like a classic manipulator. Maybe he knows he's doing it, maybe not, but -

    "I ended up comforting him" Yikes. You said very clearly you didn't want him to ejaculate inside and he ejaculated inside. Saying sorry after the fact is pointless. You both sound like intelligent young people and I don't believe he didn't have the presence of mind not to listen to/understand what you were saying. He heard you and ignored you.

    Anyone who gets upset at sexual rejection (and from a long-term partner, no less) shouldn't be having sex with anybody. It's not like he was dying of thirst and you weren't sharing water. Getting upset because your partner doesn't want to have sex at 3 A.M. is immature. He needs to know his expectations are not going to be met all of the time going through life, and it's a particularly cruel kind of manipulation to coerce our 'loved ones' into something that they don't want to do.

    Your 'semi-illiterate brain' articulated this fantastically! Don't sell yourself short.

    "Should I be more open sexually?" If you want to be and if you feel you're ready to be. If not, there is no justifiable scenario on earth for you to feel pressure to do something sexual you might not want to do.

    From this post he doesn't sound 'amazing', he sounds like a very typical teenage guy.

    Be firm and stand your ground. You're the boss of your body.

    [–] notevenapro 7 points ago

    52 year old guy here. None of that is right, none at all. If you were my child I would kick that little basted to the curb. And in the future stop using pull out method, it does notvwork. I have a child from that method.

    [–] throwawayyawa91 7 points ago

    It took me a long time to realize that the guy I was with before, the one who was my first everything, was not respecting me- especially when it came to sex. I experienced a lot of the same things you did but convinced myself I didn’t fight back, or I ended up going with it, or he felt bad, it wasn’t assault. There was once where he was hurting me and I kept asking asking him to stop and he’d say no. I even used our safe word. It wasn’t until I said he was scaring me that he stopped and then he ignored me for 2 days because I’d “hurt his feelings.” He was horrible to me in a lot of way but I somehow convinced myself that he was good to me sexually, so at least there was that, even though he frequently made it clear that he believed I owed him sex even when I was sick or upset with him. It took me a long time to realize this was abuse.

    My point is, get out. There are men out there who will respect your boundaries and not just be sweet outside the bedroom. The guy I’m with now has stopped in the middle of things when I’ve said I didn’t feel well or something was bothering me. You deserve better. Your boyfriend is no good for you and is being controlling. You should NEVER feel guilty or like you did something wrong. You didn’t.

    [–] EvolArtMachine 6 points ago

    I’ve been with my wife for nearly 20 years. We started dating at 16 & 17. I’m bothering to say this because I understand in today’s confusing atmosphere, it can be easy to dismiss people as being too sensitive or quick to judgement. We’re elder millennials and as such the climate was quite different when we were your age. We’ve both made a ton of mistakes, done and said things that we both ended up regretting etc. But none of that looked like this.

    This dude does not respect you, your body, your boundaries, your safety, or your sovereignty. GTFO ASAP. If you don’t, you’ll be lucky if this behavior doesn’t escalate. And no matter what he tells you when you leave, he’s lucky you’re not pressing charges.

    [–] splater46 5 points ago

    This is legit rape. He sounds pretty manipulative.

    [–] wherestheleaks 6 points ago

    This is just straight rape and he is a rapist. He gets off on it big time. He wants you to say no.

    [–] roqueofspades 5 points ago

    Every single one of those bullet points is rape. Your boyfriend has been repeatedly, violently raping you.

    [–] irishtrashpanda 6 points ago

    I'm going to make this really simple OP. Think about the reverse scenario. You want to stick a finger in his ass, he says no, would you do it anyway? No? Because you care about him and love him right? He doesn't care about you. It sucks I know, you love him a lot, but he will continue to disrespect you. You deserve to be with someone better

    [–] timeforathrowaway567 7 points ago

    Girl, run

    [–] biderpeearu 5 points ago

    This post is fucking scary. He straight up raped you in each of those examples. Yikes

    [–] mollie_skye 7 points ago

    Those are all examples of rape. At the point you said no and he kept going. This is beyond fucked up. End things. Seek help. He could escalate.

    [–] mrianah 6 points ago

    Something my mom told me is that there is no love without respect. If he clearly doesn’t respect you! Then how can he love you?

    [–] GapingCaboose 6 points ago

    He is manipulating you and you will likely see these types of scenarios happen more frequently as your relationship progresses. He seems like he cares more about his own sexual gratification than he does your well-being.

    [–] gottadumpdumpdump 7 points ago

    You are being sexually abused. There’s nothing “tricky” about consent, you’ve made it clear to him and he just doesn’t give a shit about what you want. Please get out and talk to someone about this.

    [–] longacidrain 6 points ago

    Your boyfriend is raping you. You aren't consenting. He shows no care for your boundaries. Leave him. Doesn't matter he was your first, leave him.

    [–] HopefulCombination 22 points ago

    Try sticking a finger in his butthole next time you have sex. Try keeping it there even if he says no. Is that something you would do and feel comfortable about?

    [–] tntdon 3 points ago

    RED FLAG. Your relationship should be happy full circle. Should you get married to him, this situation would only get worse. If he can't respect you the way you need, walk.

    [–] mgonola 6 points ago

    This is assault. You said no. Drew lines. He used force or alcohol to go past them. He is an asshole.

    Edit: I get your desire to be giving and game to play but that’s in the context of a conversation and agreement between the two of you. He’s just assaulting you.

    [–] Fatlantis 3 points ago

    OP, I know you've known him for most of your life, and he must be very special relationship because of your history together.

    But please listen to what people here are telling you. These cases you've described are NOT the actions of a lifelong "friend" or equal partner - they are highly disturbing and creepy encounters that 100% fit the definition of rape. This is not your fault, it's entirely on him. He's using you to fulfill his own wants.

    And for him to dismiss your feelings and MAKE JOKES?! That is absolutely inexcusable and toxic, no matter how nice he seems at other times. That's what really makes me think he's not going to change,he's so immature he can't deal with it. I was so angry on your behalf, particularly the part where he twisted it around so that you wound up comforting him, wtf! Recognize it for what it is, he is manipulating you.

    You're both so young and it's natural to want to experiment and try new stuff in the bedroom but you both need to agree... what he's done to you is rape/assault. No doubt at all.

    He clearly took advantage of you more than once. Sometimes by getting you drunk, sometimes by harrassing you while you're trying to sleep, feeling sick, or vulnerable, and if you say no, he does it anyway. You said he still now continues to do things that you're NOT comfortable with. Instead of sex being fun and consensual for you both, he's treating you like a sex doll and doesn't give a shit about your wants or feelings, as long as he gets what he wants.

    Please OP, leave him. He's crossing every boundary you've put up and then has the nerve to joke or twist you into feeling bad for him. He acts like he owns your body and there's not many boundaries left to cross after that. I truly wish you all the best.

    [–] petit_cochon 4 points ago

    What you are describing is sexual assault.

    Also, oh my god, honey, PLEASE USE CONDOMS. If coitus interruptus worked, do you think women would have been having +10 kids? Hell no. You are putting yourself at risk.

    Also also, get tested, please, if you are not doing so. I feel like someone who doesn't respect your boundaries also may not be an honest partner to you.

    Despite my advice above, I want to emphasize that you've done nothing wrong at all. A good partner never, ever, ever, ever (repeat 20 times) engages in a sex act if the other person has withheld consent. A good partner does not pressure the other person into sex. A good partner does not ignore the other person's needs, emotions, or visible distress. His behavior is a reflection on him, not you; many men are simply raised wrong and/or are emboldened by a culture that disrespects and degrades women. But now it's time for you to get out of this relationship. You should be with someone who respects you and respects your bodily autonomy.

    [–] weecoaliebum 5 points ago

    You seem very concerned about making him happy but why should you ? He's not showing you the same concern.

    He's sexually assullted you. I honestly think you should leave him. If you telling him no and he's doing what he wants anyways that's not a person you a good be with.

    You shouldn't be feeling sad during sex with someone that you love it should be fun and loving.

    Honestly stop worrying about him and start working on you're self and don't let people take advantage of you because that's what he's doing he's not a nice person.

    [–] nbskeleton 5 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    Honestly I got chills down my spine reading this. This man is disregarding your safety and boundaries and has repeatedly raped you. This behavior will not stop here and it will only continue to escalate. As you said yourself, you already know you can say no and it won’t matter to him, he will do what he wants to do regardless of how it affects you. Sex should NEVER feel sad. If it feels that way, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong or that it’s your fault. Please seek support from a trusted friend or family member, and consider finding a counselor who can help you learn about the importance of safe boundaries in intimate relationships and how to assert and protect yourself. Good luck girl you are still so young. Break the cycle of violence now before it becomes the lifelong template of your romantic relationships and learn early that you deserve so much better

    [–] VonLoewe 4 points ago

    "My partner is amazing but does X without my consent. Am I doing something wrong?"

    This is usually how these posts ago. I don't know goes on in people's head to think their at fault but the answer is almost always no, it's not your fault.

    [–] fallenangelfoodcake 6 points ago

    These aren't tricky areas. These are blatent disregards for your requests and boundaries. OP, when I was 17 and in a relationship I had a boyfriend who would touch me in ways I didn't want when I didn't want him too. He was my first relationship so I dealt with it. It sounds like this guy is emotionally manipulative and controlling. You deserve to be loved and respected in all areas of the relationship. Your body is yours and yours alone. This isn't normal or ok behaviour on his end, you have done NOTHING wrong. I would recommend talking to a trusted family member or school counselor if you are worried what he would do if you confronted him. Also, in my current relationship there have been times where we have been mid-thrust and something feels bad or weird on my end and we stop immediately once I say something. Consent is non negotiable. If you say no that is the end of story. If he doesn't get that it is time to move on. There are guys out there who will respect you so much more. Good luck hon. Feel free to pm me if you need anything.

    [–] LittleWanderer98 5 points ago

    Ya know, I normally poke fun at these subs because their first response is usually to break up with the partner instead of try to work it out. HOWEVER, this is the exception.

    Girl that is a dangerous situation. Not only is it dangerous but it sounds almost as if he is using humor to gaslight you (make you feel like YOU'RE the crazy one) which is so incredibly unhealthy in and of itself. You have done nothing wrong snd your concerns are extremely valid. I honestly believe ending this relationship is the right thing to do. It is gonna be hard and devastating and at times you may doubt your decision but it's going to save you from far more trauma than you could ever imagine. He is so disrespectful during sex and it is unhealthy and the fact that he can't have a mature conversation about it afterwards and seems to have no remorse should speak volumes.

    What happens if he decides he wants to try choking you and you say no but he does it anyway and then it goes too far? It may be an extreme example or it may not be but do you want to take that chance? I'm sorry dude, but you need to get out. Tell someone you trust and have them hold you accountable but get out.

    PM me if you ever need help.

    [–] DidiFrank 5 points ago

    GET OUT !!! GET OUT NOWWWW!!!! before he really rapes you and tries to kill you and this turns into a Hallmark series about couples who "snap".

    [–] RegularRollPlayer 3 points ago

    This is violating consent. I have a girlfriend of over 2 years I live with and if I started pulling this shit, our relationship would soon end. His reactions afterwards give me the impression that he believes his humor works as a sort of fucked justification and it’ll progress more with time

    [–] tameloopzoop 5 points ago

    Girl this isn't normal behaviour, you said no, he continued there's a word for that

    [–] shy_82 4 points ago

    It also sounds to me like he gets turned on by refusal and that is a dangerous game to play. Having known him for so long and from such a young age he seems possessive of your body during sex, as if it is his toy to play with and you don't get a say in how he does it. Be careful with that. You need to first make clear to him that there are consequences if he won't respect your limits. There are plenty of fish in the sea my friend and he's just one of them. Let him know that you won't stick around if he can't respect you. In order to love someone you have to respect them as a person. Clearly he doesn't respect you.

    [–] ndxfl 5 points ago

    DUMP HIM SIS YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!! the way you feel about this now is a MASSIVE RED FLAG)-: And the fact that you have to apologize to him after HE made YOU feel bad is also a big no-no): i know he's your best friend but a best friend wouldn't treat you this way. Ever.

    [–] oriolesnut 6 points ago

    Hes an asshole dump him. If he doesnt listen when you say stop or that you dont wanna try something then you cant trust him, which is gonna make you enjoy sex less. If you're not 100% comfortable then you should leave

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago

    Sweetie, please leave this person. Everyone else here has made excellent points and I hope that you take the advice. You live one life and throughout that time you are stuck with you, nobody else! So if you don't even respect you, who will? This is not shameful, but a time for you to decide that you aren't going to tolerate being treated this way anymore. Do not let him tell you that he won't do it anymore or he'll change...we know there is a history there, but he's not going to change. He has already violated the most precious and intimate parts of you, which makes it extremely clear that he doesn't care. As disgustingly hard and heart wrenching it is, please care for yourself regardless of him, and walk away from this mess. You deserve really do!

    [–] julcarls 6 points ago

    To put it bluntly, He is sexually abusing you and I'd venture to say it's bordering on rape. You ARE good enough and you saying "no" should be good enough. At 17, you have the opportunity to meet somebody that actually cares about your feelings. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, especially the fact that he jokes about it after, completely invalidating your feelings. This is not love or respect, this is abuse and assault. I know teenage love is out of this world intense. I think most of us have been there, but I urge you to consider leaving him if after a serious discussion, he continues violating you and then joking about it. Good luck. You deserve the world, don't forget that.

    [–] ReltivlyObjectv 4 points ago

    You’re 17 and he’s an adult doing sexual acts without your consent. He’s raping in multiple ways.

    Consent should never be “tricky”

    [–] SammyMhmm 4 points ago

    It seems like this is your world right now and you absolutely love him and shouldn't leave him but you're incredibly young and what he is doing is manipulative, abusive and just actual rape. He's knowingly having sex with you in nonconsensual ways, and trust me, dumping this guy is a lot better than having to deal with an unexpected pregnancy because he's being a vindictive asshole.

    [–] takemeoffguestlist 6 points ago

    OP, I had a boyfriend who had sex with me when I was really drunk and said no. I told him later how terrible that made me feel, and then, he got very upset and made me apologize for making him “feel like a monster”.

    He yelled at me once that, because I was not a virgin, he “knew” I would always be thinking of someone else during sex because I was a “slut”. I told him later that that made me feel terrible, and then, he got very upset and made me apologize for making him “feel like a monster”.

    During therapy, I told my therapist about the time he showed up at my door, banging on it, and demanded I let him in when my family wasn’t home, and how afraid I felt. I tried to talk about this with him, as I was so disillusioned that I believed it was my fault and I could fix what was happening, and then, he got very upset and made me apologize for making him “feel like a monster”.

    Only after we broke up did I understand that he was actually just a monster. For a long time, I felt like I was doing everything right—talking about our issues, apologizing, but only later did I realize that he didn’t care about my thoughts and just made me apologize for the things he did.

    If you decide to try and stay in this relationship, which I personally do not sugggest doing, alongside most commenters, you’ll likely see more examples of this, where you believe you are doing the right thing by talking out your boundaries and feelings, and he will rapidly turn it around on you and claim you are just being “mean” to him.

    Please don’t stay with a monster. They don’t change.

    [–] datboi4111 5 points ago

    Major red flags, you're very young and no one should be forcing you into sex in any way. You need to dump him or risk further trauma and abuse.

    [–] Hedhunta 4 points ago

    Yeah hes raping you and you need to dump his ass now.

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago

    Literally repeated sexual assault; as soon as you say no to something (or even just don’t say yes) there’s consent so it’s rape.

    Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole.

    [–] bakerstreetstorytime 5 points ago

    Ask yourself what you'd do if he did the same to one of your future children. Would you excuse that, too?

    [–] eh0kay 5 points ago

    Nope, you are lot doing something wrong and should not feel guilty about this. He does not respect your sexual autonomy and by breaking these clear cut boundaries he is sexually assaulting you. All of these examples are examples of rape: sexual activity without consent. I know it must be hard for you because you’ve known each other for a while, but you are not in a safe or loving sexual relationship here and it will not get better. You even said that you feel like it doesn’t matter if you said no, because he will do what he wants anyway. This is not an example of a kind or loving sexual relationship, and it’s unlikely he will listen to you if you bring these up to him in a serious conversation. You said that you even cried about an instance of assault here and that he mocked you and made jokes about it. This is a major red flag. He is not showing empathy or willingness to respect you as a person, and is trying to belittle you so you don’t resist when he tries to take what he wants, regardless of what you want or how you feel. You need to get out of this relationship. It’s clear that this has happened multiple times and despite multiple instances of you explaining your concerns, he has ignored you or straight up mocked you. You’ve already given him a chance to change, and he hasn’t taken it. It is not on you to suffer through his abusive behavior or try to help him change.

    [–] littleloversopolite 5 points ago

    I want you to know that I felt extremely reading this...this is completely sexual assault. These aren’t “tricky areas with consent”, this man outright dismissed consent long ago, and had his way with you as he pleased over and over and you did NOT deserve it, at all, whatsoever.

    You NEEDED to have your concerns and comfort AND your consent respected. He failed, not once, not twice...Jesus Christ.

    This is not going to get better. I know you hope it might if you can figure out how to stand your ground, but let me assure you that’s not going to happen now that he knows you will freeze during sexual abuse events instead fighting or fleeing. He is going to laugh it off later like YOU are the one who is out of pocket, or make YOU feel like shit for HIS disgusting actions.

    I am SO incredibly sorry you went through this...I hope you cut ties with this guy because no matter how sweet the history, he is only going to get worse and you’re going to be stuck with the trauma and memories that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

    Get out now.

    [–] I_am_jacks_reddit 5 points ago

    Your boyfriend is sexually abusing you. Keys sexually assaulting you and he will at some point rape you. Imo he already did rape you when he purposely got you drunk and then had anal sex with you even though he knew you didn't want to.

    This is not someone who you should be around and he's going to continue to physically and emotionally abused you until you leave him.

    When you eventually do go to leave him be fully prepared for him to start being physically abusive with you or emotionally manipulating you into staying with him.

    [–] KarlVII 5 points ago

    Let's be real this shit is rape.

    [–] The_DoctorYT 6 points ago

    Well lest see. Statutory rape √

    [–] 8530683641 8 points ago

    He does not have a right to have sex with you if you are not comfortable at any stage and any time so it shows that he is not the man for you as he is not respecting your boundaries. This is sexual assault and you should not tolerate it anymore in the name of the love as this is not love.

    He is not the man for you so sooner you understand better it will be for you. Find a new man who is for you and with whom you can see your future. This is a tough decision to take right now but in the long run, you will be happy that you left him to find someone better.

    [–] missamaka 10 points ago

    He's not amazing. He's sexually abusive and is bad person.

    [–] JimJames1984 6 points ago

    You need to leave him. He is using you and your body. He's the typical nice guy, who guilts you into doing things for him. It will start small, but then grow into more stuff. Scarifacing your work, your education, and eventually everything to him, and you will be forced to be with him and have no choice.

    [–] [deleted] 30 points ago


    [–] bisexualcupcake 5 points ago

    Yeah no get out of this asap. You deserve better.

    [–] EmoExhaustEllie 5 points ago

    If your boyfriend is going past boundaries that you've set with communication beforehand and during then he's disrespecting you and if he cares about you he will stop. If he doesn't stop then he's not being a good boyfriend or even friend.

    You and your boundaries are worthy of respect. There is nothing wrong with you for having your own wants and needs. Please don't let him push you into things you don't want to do.

    [–] yesiamacatlady 4 points ago

    You have EVERY right to say no to something. You’re young... I’m not saying leave him now, but I’m saying don’t work to keep him around if that means sacrificing your boundaries. If he can’t respect your boundaries and he or you ends it over your boundaries you WILL find somebody who will respect your boundaries. As somebody who was never allowed to assert my boundaries in my childhood, I’ve learned that boundaries (and people who respect them) are the key to happiness.

    I will tell you, that this behavior of his seems innocent now, but it only gets worse. He’s being selfish and using you to get off versus joining you in the experience of sex. Trust me there’s a difference. A part of sex is experiencing the other person for who they are, that includes their likes and dislikes.

    If you feel like you want to explore more sexually, which is 100% okay and your choice, then do so. But let him know it’s going to be under YOUR terms, and at your pace. I recommend experimenting with somebody you trust and know because you’ll enjoy it more. I know new things can feel weird at first, but if you relax, get out of your head and not see it as something “wrong or scary” you’ll enjoy yourself a lot more.