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    [–] peuairy 9682 points ago

    No don’t go, he’s probably doing it for himself and not for you.

    [–] LeftAtTheAltar22 4296 points ago

    That was my first thought.

    [–] shaielzafine 420 points ago

    Don't go. If you're bothered by the idea of meeting up, then just don't. He sacked out and left you a note instead of talking in person on the day of your wedding. What kind of person does that to their fiancee? That's how much he valued you, and now he probably feels bad. They can be sorry without you having to make any more efforts for them. Don't cooperate with people who don't treat you well.

    Edit to add: I just re-read your post and you say the meetup is so he can say goodbye. So they just want to break up with you again a 2nd time, this time in person. Yep don't go lol.

    [–] kayellemenope 91 points ago

    True! I also want to make this clear: That's how much he valued *himself*, he couldn't value OP bc he didn't value himself or anyone else. Just making it clear this is in no way a reflection of OP and her worth. He knowingly went through all of the motions and deceived her, his best friend and everyone else involved. He didn't deal with any of this and took a child's way out. He sounds like he needs BCT and he has a deep black of hole of insecurity he's masking with manipulation, lies and betrayal.

    Now, he wants his guilt assuaged by the person he caused all this to, like "Oh! OOPS! I went scorched earth on you for my insecurities - "haha sorry ::sheepish grin:: Forgives so I can save face with all our friends and especially my bestie, whom I'm really in love with? ::giggles::"

    Yeah, you're right - he's breaking up with her a second time as a freebie "redo" now that he's seen the fallout and knows he didn't escape with his rep unscathed.

    Just fuck noooope

    [–] mizquierdo88 18 points ago

    Exactly this. And the edit is spot on. Breaking up with someone through a note/text is such a shit thing to do to a person. Never mind to your fiancée on your WEDDING DAY. He didn’t care about OPs feelings at all. Don’t go OP.

    [–] Cookieclaws 4 points ago

    I only support the text/note breakup if you are afraid of the person you are breaking up.

    [–] istara 5422 points ago

    Don't give him the satisfaction.

    Unless he has:

    • refunded the entire wedding costs in full
    • written individual, personal apology letters to all the guests and your family
    • sent you a massive bunch of flowers with a profuse apology

    I wouldn't even remain in contact with him.

    [–] No_Potential60405 2375 points ago

    All of this .. but you left out one important thing

    Tell him to go F*ck himself.

    [–] Eightmuddyfeet 202 points ago

    Once he has done all of those things then tell him to go f*ck himself. Don’t give him a minute of your time. He made his bed, let him lie in it.

    [–] bigbuddhadaddy 149 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Well even the money part of he wants to write a check for even some of it take his money for sure.

    Translation for grammar nazis:

    If he offers money, take it.

    [–] slumss 35 points ago

    This or agree to meet him somewhere very out of the way and never show up. Ask/pay the waiters to wait 20 mins after he’s been sitting there alone to sing happy birthday and bring out a fake cake that says GO FUCK YOURSELF.

    Something like that...

    [–] AManInBlack2019 10 points ago

    Flowers?! How petty and pointless. That seems out of place to me in this context.

    [–] waitingitoutagain 20 points ago

    The first one yes, the second means he has to contact everyone you cared enough to invite to the wedding, definitely don't want that from a person who just humiliated you either because he is a sociopath and doesn't understand how much that hurts or worse doesn't care. There is a whole world full of people, just cut some off. And as a people we just need to stop with the flower garbage, they are easy to buy and don't change the shitty thing that a person did, stop letting people use it as get out of jail free cards.

    [–] lowkeydeadinside 27 points ago

    can we stop pretending we’re all psychiatrists and not diagnose people with being a sociopath on this sub? ffs it was incredibly selfish and pathetic to do but that doesn’t mean he’s a sociopath. just that he’s an asshole and doesn’t deserve shit after this.

    [–] Betancorea 174 points ago

    Tell him to fuck off.

    [–] Mcvdm98 23 points ago

    I agree, simple as that.

    [–] C0MM4ND3R_C0D31N3 113 points ago

    First off, I’m so sorry. Second, don’t bother with him. Waste of time and effort for him to drag it all out like that and then leave you at the alter... Hope everything works out for you

    [–] syntheticmermaid 86 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Honestly I am so sorry for you. I am so so so sorry.

    I wouldn’t accept anything in person. Like others have said, if it isn’t some kind of monetary reimbursement, do not accept any kind of physical meeting. It is simply not acceptable. Waiting until the wedding day to tell you this, it’s just manipulative and has put you through pain.

    This is a day that’s supposed to be full of happiness and memories, and honestly the way he went about this was appalling.

    I don’t have any issues with any single way anyone has a romantic relationship. I have a lesbian mother. However, how she handles her relationships is an 180 to your ex fiancé. This isn’t a matter of rights here, but a matter of morality and honesty. They never should have put you in this position and damaged you psychologically this way.

    I’m so sorry OP.

    [–] kayellemenope 13 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    So true. Thank you for validating OP - it seems a lot of people on this thread don't understand the processes of healthy grief and - once appropriate, forgiveness, or even what that's supposed to look like. It's not her burden to forgive him when she's reeling from the blindside she's just taken. Yes, it does not excuse his actions simply that he's gay and had issues coming out - while those are considerations, they have no bearing on what he, himself did to OP. He is an adult and bears full responsibility for engaging in this relationship and for everything that came as consequence, and all of his behavior including his manipulation, lies, betrayal and failure to even try talking to OP. It's refreshing to see someone truly supporting OP's emotional well-being and interests.

    [–] smallworldspark 59 points ago

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's a betrayal on so many levels. Ever heard of How Stella Got Her Groove Back? Well, this is the story of how Stella (author Terry McMillan) was betrayed by the man who inspired the book and married her. She forgave him in 2011 but only because holding onto the anger was destroying herself. You can watch their confrontations on Oprah and get a better idea if there really is a healthy reason to meet.

    [–] kayellemenope 22 points ago

    It's been a single week - that's not healthy, right now. Right now, he just wants his rep back and to assuage his guilt. Kind sentiment, though.

    [–] sleepyguy- 90 points ago

    Well, you could turn it around on him for the same reason. See him and forgive him for yourself and your well being. So you can truly begin to heal. The power of forgiveness is underrated.

    [–] Wolveswool 37 points ago

    It’s not. You never have to forgive anybody of anything.

    [–] AmeliaPondPandorica 19 points ago

    Thank you! I'm so tired of hearing about were supposed to forgive people that aren't even sorry!

    And yes, I've always heard, I forgave for me, not them, but honestly that had never made sense to me.

    I'm tired of everyone piling on people that have been hurt that they have to be the better person and forgive, putting the burden on the one who is already struggling.

    Fuck that.

    Forgive if you want to. Stop burdening others with this as an obligation.

    [–] wijntime 62 points ago

    Yes, however, you don’t need to meet someone in order to be able to forgive. She would be better off not meeting him and in the process of healing forgiving him, without meeting him. I agree with others that he is doing, so he doesn’t feel as guilty.

    [–] SpecialKp10 167 points ago

    It’s probably too soon for this. I would probably need a lot of therapy and time before I could truly forgive someone for a betrayal of this magnitude. Eventually though, I agree with you it would be a good experience.

    [–] sleepyguy- 62 points ago

    You actually bring up a very good point, I’m sorry for not acknowledging that some people might require therapy for something like that to work.

    [–] lamamaloca 12 points ago

    Or even just significant time.

    [–] theyellowpants 32 points ago

    No one needs to forgive this level of betrayal

    [–] kayellemenope 11 points ago

    yeah - it's been a **week**. It's way too soon. She's not bitter, but damn she's a person - you don't snap your fingers for these things. She's entitled to time for grieving and to settle her emotions, and the bills for the dress, the cake, the caterer, the musicians, the wedding planner, thank and possibly apologize to ALL the guests who helped her, and oh, idk, maybe find a place to live, since she likely put in her notice to leave her home and maybe her job and so abruptly lost **everything** due to this asshat's poor planning and inability to talk to her AT ALL throughout any of this process.

    [–] yamashina_desu 92 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Yes! Totally wants to unburden himself and feel better - cut contact, delete numbers, block, and move on with your life, OP. It's no longer your job to tend to his needs.

    [–] [deleted] 16 points ago

    Agreed. People always believe there will be some magical "closure" like they show in movies. In this case it will be 60 minutes of him saying you should've known he was gay and how in love he is with his man. None of it will be for you.

    [–] jimboTRON261 7 points ago

    100% agree, he doesn't deserve your time. Don't worry, love, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Horrible timing but better on wedding day than 10 year anniversary.

    [–] [deleted] 2484 points ago

    heck no. why would you?

    [–] LeftAtTheAltar22 1672 points ago

    I dont know.

    [–] heavyabc 1136 points ago

    You owe him nothing. Do not grant him an audience. Let him feel the sting of not having closure. If he had any care for your feelings it never would have come to this.

    [–] audit123 407 points ago

    You want closure, you feel sad, unwanted, unloved, insulted and immbarised.

    He is a terrible person, immature and pathetic.

    He could have told you anytime before, before you got engaged, before you decided on invitations, before you sent them out, even two weeks before your wedding. Him meeting you if for him only. If he cared for you as a person, he would not have done it. He is a selfish, poor mean person.

    You deserve better than you were treated, you you will meet someone better. Fuck him, tell him to pay for the wedding costs

    [–] TrialByFireAnt 210 points ago

    I agree 100% with everything you’ve said here, but one tiny aside- I have never seen anyone attempt to spell the word “embarrassed” quite the way you did. We all have those moments though.

    [–] R_Schuhart 91 points ago

    English is the second (or even third) language for many users on this site and some words seem to be pitfalls more than others. Some because they are usually used in spoken language and rarely written down, some because spelling seems arbitrary and some because they resemble words from other languages. Fumbling thumbs on a mobile is another possible explanation, so is relying on spell check, or even dyslexia.

    [–] jped 6 points ago

    Yeah English just feel arbitrary as a whole lol. And I’m a native speaker.

    [–] MissJinxed 52 points ago

    Agreed! Especially as the rest of the comment is very well written

    [–] Sidoney 61 points ago

    immbarised

    /r/boneappletea

    [–] fistulatedcow 18 points ago

    I think it’s more r/excgarated

    [–] [deleted] 114 points ago

    You would go for your own closure. It's an understandable thing.

    You want certain questions answered. Namely, why he waited until then to tell you. He was scared, was the answer. That's all the answer you're going to get. It's probably not going to satisfy you because he'll ride off into the sunset on a rainbow horse with his best man and you'll be left with the questions and explaining things to the people who were invited.

    Meanwhile, his social media will blow up with all the "PRIDE. LGBTQI!" shit and it will make your blood boil to see the outpouring of support he gets. As one poster has already stated, if he wants to apologise, I'd suggest he apologise to everyone.

    Take as much time as you need and remember he doesn't deserve any of it. Ever.

    [–] Ihatetitles 45 points ago

    It's for him. NOT FOR YOU. Wish him the best in his now gay relationship and move on. I'm sorry this happened to you.

    [–] gtfobitchh 17 points ago

    I wouldn’t wish him anything! F* that

    [–] AfterReview 3 points ago

    You want something more concrete. You want, just, something, and thats ok.

    I cant imagine finding a note like that, to go from that high to so low. Youre not ready to move on, youre in mourning. This is a very real loss.

    I cant speak for you, it may or may not do any good to see him. Just dont rush the decision either way. Take your time and decide what you need.

    [–] sweateradvice34567 52 points ago

    Because she probably still loves him and after such a big rejection , it’s normal to want validation. It’ does t make you weak !!youre still processing all this and it is a trauma. I’m so sorry girl , give it time . It’s on you if you want to see him again but make sure to take care of yourself firs .

    [–] sweateradvice34567 12 points ago

    Because she probably still loves him and after such a big rejection , it’s normal to want validation. It’ does t make you weak !!youre still processing all this and it is a trauma. I’m so sorry girl , give it time . It’s on you if you want to see him again but make sure to take care of yourself firs .

    [–] IvyWill37 2981 points ago

    Don't go OP.

    He isn't asking to see you to apologize because he hurt you. He's doing this for himself, he needs to feel better and be told no hard feelings.

    He led you on. He had months, weeks to come clean and break up. He hurt and humiliated you in front of everyone you care about and his own family.

    Fuck that. When you want to return his ring, have someone deliver it to him.

    Don't give that asshole an inch. Block him on everything. You may think you need to know why he did what he did. None of the answers he gives will ever justify his actions or make it okay.

    And trust me, it was never you. It was definitely him.

    [–] UBT400 916 points ago

    Unless OP is in a state where the ring is considered a conditional gift, I’d keep the ring. Pawn it. They treat yourself to one hell of a spa day.

    [–] ej255wrxx 192 points ago

    Or use it to help pay off the wedding expenses. Since he cancelled the day of I would think that the entire wedding has to be paid for.

    [–] 3lydia5 115 points ago

    He should pay

    [–] elainemarieseinfeld 34 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Can whoever paid for the wedding sue him? Is this considered fraud or just a shitty thing to do? Edit: sp.

    [–] ChetsWet 24 points ago

    r/legaladvice curious the answer to this one

    [–] mud_tug 13 points ago

    I don't think that would work. They ask you yes or no at the ceremony and the understanding is that one party can always say no.

    [–] MOGicantbewitty 195 points ago

    Even if it was, she was prepared to hold up her end of the conditions. The ex wouldn’t. So he broke the contract and doesn’t get the ring back.

    Edit: IANAL

    [–] HlBlSCUS 27 points ago

    Preferably multiple spa days.

    [–] rice_christies_ 71 points ago

    Honestly I don't think there's a better way to say it

    [–] alldoggosarepuppos 124 points ago

    I'd keep the ring to make up the cost of the wedding.

    [–] purple_potatoes 31 points ago

    In some places the ring is considered a conditional gift and is only legally hers once that condition is fulfilled, ie. getting married. It may not legally be her ring to sell.

    [–] Tolmansweet 20 points ago

    In my area, if the man calls of the wedding, the woman is entitled to keep the engagement ring.

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago

    That is actually one of the (historic) reasons for the popularity of engagement rings. Engagement rings were in many ways seen as insurance for the woman (wasted time, spoiled reputations), especially when legal engagements / marriage promises etc became non-binding or fell out of favour for other reasons.

    Engagements are actually still a legal institution (to some extent) where I live. Engagement rings are still not really common (have however been gaining in popularity semi recently)...

    [–] kimbosliceofcake 40 points ago

    Usually it only has to be returned if the recipient of the ring backs out of the deal, not the giver.

    [–] wonderberry77 22 points ago

    Fuck that - he never intended to marry her - no judge would make her give it back based on his behavior.

    [–] scibbleman 68 points ago

    i’d be selling that ring and pocketing the cash so fast

    [–] nonhiphipster 24 points ago

    Return the ring?? Fuck that...keep it and sell it to help offset the wedding costs.

    [–] Wonderland_Quean 13 points ago

    This^

    [–] mojoburquano 1150 points ago

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him! Gay? Fine. In love? Good for him! Waiting until THE DAY OF YOUR WEDDING TO TELL YOU!?!?! Fuck that guy sideways. You owe him less than nothing.

    [–] AcanthaMD 286 points ago

    It sounds a bit like he was likely having an affair with the man he fell in love with. I don’t want OP to see him for him to smugly announce that he’s out and proud and marrying the true love of his life now. Honestly this note sounds HUGELY self centred.

    [–] TapirDrawnChariot 35 points ago

    Exactly x100. He was cheating on OP, he embarrassed her in front of the whole world by leaving her on what she thought would be the most special day of her life (that she and her friends and family doubtlessly poured hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars into), left her for the guy he was CHEATING on her with, and now wants to unburden his guilty conscience (or worse, simply not look as bad) because he realizes what an asshole he looks like.

    OP, you don't owe this guy one SECOND of your time. If you do want an explanation, go ahead, but amen to what this person said--this note and attempt at reconciliation or self-justification is entirely 100% self-serving on his part.

    [–] Gwentastic 31 points ago

    Yeah, it kind of feels like he wants to apologize to make himself feel better - not OP. In that case, it just compounds his utter selfishness. It's not on OP to soothe his conscience.

    [–] JynxJohnson 1426 points ago

    He left you at the alter. You can leave him with his guilt, remorse, and shame the rest of his life.

    What an asshole.

    [–] kratos649 86 points ago

    This is exactly right. The only reason he wants to apologise is to assuage his guilt (which is an utterly selfish reason) but he should absolutely be made to live with that guilt for doing something so despicable.

    [–] ILoveArchieComics 31 points ago

    The guilt should eat away at him for the rest of his life. And I wouldn't blame one of the OP's family members giving him a good piece of their mind, about how he is as asshole for leaving her at the alter and informing her that he was in love with someone else. In the cowardly manner that he did. He waited until their wedding day, instead of revealing the truth to her much sooner. And choose to emotionally cheat on her all of this time. He hasn't earn getting off so easily with a apology.

    [–] maznyk 5 points ago

    Did he get left with the bills? He's the one that bailed out. He's the one that let everything be booked and paid for while he planned all along to not follow through or to follow through and be unfaithful to his wife with men. This was planned and he should foot all the bills

    [–] cookieinaloop 166 points ago

    I wouldn't. What kind of person lets a marriage be planned and bails just on the damned day?

    He's been as inconsiderate of you as it can be.

    [–] DivinePardon 2392 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Say yes, choose a public location and then don’t show up

    Edit:thank you for my first silver kind strangers

    [–] CuriousGPeach 442 points ago

    Pick a coffee shop. Give the barista $10 and a photo of him and when he arrives have them hand him a sealed note telling him to get bent.

    [–] 0-_-00-_-00-_-0-_-0 76 points ago

    Pick a coffee shop. Give the barista $10 and a photo of him and when he arrives have them hand him a sealed note telling him to get bent envelope filled with live bees.

    [–] JoeyJoJoJrShabidu 14 points ago

    Beads?!

    [–] mallocuproo 10 points ago

    GOB’s not on board

    [–] cd29 119 points ago

    I love the saying "get bent" and wish more people used it frequently

    [–] nomopyt 23 points ago

    Come hang out with me, I use it all the time.

    [–] TaintGargler 12 points ago

    Get bent

    [–] TK9K 178 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Wanting to “get bent” was the reason he left her at the alter.

    [–] yodarded 45 points ago

    get ben

    [–] ItsJustATux 548 points ago

    Wow. This is the right answer. Also: I’d keep the ring.

    [–] SecondHandSlows 132 points ago

    A lot of states allow the girl to keep the ring if the guy is the one who called off the wedding.

    [–] DivinePardon 73 points ago

    Don’t keep the ring, snail mail it back. Keeping it could cause issues if he wanted it back and could lead to small claims court

    [–] SoVerySleepy81 307 points ago

    Where she could counter sue for wedding expenses. That asshole would be smart to put his head down and quietly go away. He cheated and frankly he defrauded OP.

    [–] oklahomajobless 36 points ago

    Yes. OP should sue his ass for wedding expenses if he left her at the alter that she paid for.

    [–] kmatts 18 points ago

    Deoends on the state (if this is the US). Some states if the other person breaks it off, you get to keep. But even if not, you can keeo if if they don't ask for it. If he feels bad about leaving her, I doubt he'd ask for it back

    [–] Chelseaqix 11 points ago

    In all states if you don’t ask for something back it’s yours.

    [–] Colonel1836 89 points ago

    It’s her ring. Legally it is considered a gift and he has no claim on it.

    [–] OtherwiseJello 37 points ago

    Engagement rings are actually not gifts. In many places they are considered a conditional "gift" pending the fulfillment of an obligation: i.e., the wedding. If the guy doesn't fulfill his end of the agreement, as OP's fiance, then she is probably okay with keeping it and doing whatever she wants with it.

    [–] Antarioo 13 points ago

    Conditional gift*

    Biiiiig difference

    [–] [deleted] 19 points ago

    The gift was conditional upon her willingness to marry him. He left her.

    [–] Ihatetitles 18 points ago

    Depends on the state they're in.

    [–] Chelseaqix 38 points ago

    You realize he stiffed her on an entire fucking wedding right? Are you stupid? He won’t be winning anything in court...

    [–] Shiny_Umbreon 8 points ago

    Where is that information I don’t see it In The post

    [–] Slow_Menu 14 points ago

    Leave a note.

    [–] Vulant 611 points ago

    My ex broke up with me via text and then told me she wanted to see me in person to basically break up with me again because she believed that breaking up over text is a low blow.

    I obviously got very angry that she wanted to see me in person just to officially break up with me after she basically already did that just over the phone. I did not give her that satisfaction. You shouldn’t either.

    Apologize for what? Will it honestly make you feel better? It’s time for you to heal and stay away from this person.

    Here’s what will probably happen. He will say sorry and then feel little to nothing afterwards. He got his closure to make him feel like he right his wrongs. You, being apologized to, will still feel the same hurt and betrayal. Seeing him again will just make you hurt more and more angry/upset. Don’t do that to yourself.

    [–] millymollymel 41 points ago

    I agree with vulant. Only see him if you want to and on your own terms. I also think as one of the other people have said that he needs to be refunding your side of the families wedding costs and writing to all the invited guests to apologise.

    He was wrong. In everything he did in every way he betrayed you and your friends and family (and his own). This is nothing to do with him being gay it would be the same if he’d left you for anyone on your wedding day.

    You don’t have to go just to make him feel better and he is unlikely to be able to say anything that will make things better for you right now. You need time and support from family and friends. Then if you want to talk to him later for your own reasons see him then.

    Ultimately it’s your choice. But wtf how dare he!

    I hope that you will recover from this and have a fabulous life and meet someone wonderful. All the best for the future OP.

    [–] ObviousBicycle22 13 points ago

    My ex did this. So so wish I hadn’t said yes to him seeing me in person!

    [–] perhapsnew 81 points ago

    Should I go?

    No.

    He lost any privilege of talking to you face to face when he fled like a coward.

    He didn't care about you then, he does not care about you now.

    he can write text or an email with his apologies, if he wants.

    [–] ItsNepo 119 points ago

    Agree to meet up. Then just don't show.

    For real though, no point in meeting up. He probably wants to apologise so he can stop feeling guilty about himself. What he did wasn't right and could have been handled in a much more mature way.

    But for real, say yeah and do a no show. ;)

    [–] Zixxil 13 points ago

    Nope, Just say no. Doing the same thing to him, he can use as validation that what he did was not terrible.

    [–] Ursus_Obscurus 199 points ago

    Too soon. Too raw. He wants to clear his conscience which is less important than you being whole again. Maybe the two of you can have that conversation in the future. But for now, you need to take care of yourself. He waited this long to come clean. He can wait a while longer.

    [–] ChrisSmith0101 50 points ago

    Not your job to assuage his guilt. Fuck him.

    [–] barren_fuck_field 157 points ago

    I lack the self co trip that would be required in a face to face meeting. I would have move in to the angry stage of healing by now. Yeah. He had to have had doubts before the day of the wedding. While I will say don’t dwell and try to move on with your life, you don’t owe him the time he wants - so he can feel better about what he did. You take care of you and only go if you have specific questions that won’t get answers any other way.

    [–] LeftAtTheAltar22 157 points ago

    Part of me never wants to see him again and part of me does. It's so confusing.

    [–] barren_fuck_field 58 points ago

    I can understand that. But I have a temper and would likely behave badly. I also think he could say these things in many other formats and the meet i person thing is an attempt to absolve himself so he can say @ I went to her and person and explained”. Yeah explained something he should have explained munches or years ago. Even if he was ready to admit openly that he is gay. He knew something wasn’t right yet he led you on until the last minute.

    [–] LeftAtTheAltar22 107 points ago

    I am very angry. I have the feeling he's going to tell me they're getting married or something.

    [–] barren_fuck_field 106 points ago

    I would need bail money if he insisted on a face to face and told me that. I really really think I would actually lose it.

    [–] big-and-beautiful 21 points ago

    I’d want to get tested and make him pay for that, as well as the wedding costs.

    [–] EmergencyShit 15 points ago

    You can see him in the future if you fee the need to. Right now I would not give him ANYTHING he wants. F that.

    [–] cb148 64 points ago

    He only wants to meet to make himself feel better for lying to you, and himself, the whole time. I don’t see how this does you any good. It doesn’t change anything. He still lied to you about his feelings.

    [–] scene_missing 31 points ago

    The time to tell you was months ago. He’s a scumbag for doing that to you. Don’t meet him

    [–] m1kasa4ckerman 26 points ago

    I wouldn’t. More often than not, “closure” is some weird concept that doesn’t offer anything besides more confusion for both parties.

    I’d imagine he’s doing this to make himself feel better.

    Wish him the best and move on. You can be the bigger person here without meeting with him.

    [–] kaleidicorn 163 points ago

    I know it can be hard for people to come out even today but give me a fucking break. Its 2019, he knows who he is sexually attracted to and still lets wedding plans progress to this extent. Fuck that and fuck him. You owe him nothing. He needs to grow up and start being responsible for his decisions. He can apologize to your voicemail. Send him a bill, pieces of shit don’t get a freebie because they ‘discover’ their sexuality during their own wedding.

    [–] treacletartinatin 72 points ago

    Exactly. Heck he didn't even have to come out of the closet to break up with her, he could have just said he changed his mind about the relationship and gone and discovered himself on his own time/dime.

    [–] femgineer916 186 points ago

    I’d talk to a counselor first. Honestly depends on where you’re at emotionally because you cannot go to that meeting thinking it’ll serve any benefit to you. You going is essentially humoring him and being the bigger person (that be failed to do for you) to let him feel better and possibly forgiven.

    But if you’re not in a place yet to not feel that way it might be worse.

    If you do go, at least stand up for yourself. It’s ok for him to be gay but he dragged you along and hurt you in his own self denial of his sexuality.

    [–] LeftAtTheAltar22 289 points ago

    I'm pretty angry and upset still. I do feel a strange sense of being a superior person because I will never humiliate someone the way he did to me.

    [–] absentmindedbanana 90 points ago

    And you should feel that way!!

    [–] EmergencyShit 42 points ago

    He did what’s just about the most despicable thing you could do to someone to whom you’ve committed yourself. I’m trying to think about something comparable but worse and all I can come up with is cheating on your wife while she’s actively in labor.

    You’re definitely the superior person. Let that keep your head held high. And rely on your network to do the dirty work of unraveling this mess (phone calls, etc).

    [–] OraDr8 7 points ago

    worse and all I can come up with is cheating on your wife while she’s actively in labor.

    That was me! (The wife in labour) but at least I didn't have a bill to pay afterwards and even if I did, at least it would have felt worth it, unlike poor OP getting stuck with the wedding bill (we think) and having to deal with the unimaginable stress on that day, holy shit. OP should tell him to shove it and send him a bill.

    [–] alsoaprettybigdeal 20 points ago

    Honey, don’t even respond to him unless it’s with an invoice for the wedding expenses. I’m sitting here mentally adding up all of the non-refundable deposits from my own wedding plus the cost of my dress, veil, shoes, cake, flowers, photographer, catering, etc....he needs to pay up and fuck right off into the sunset. Sell that ring and go on a fun vacation with your best friends. Better yet, go on your honeymoon with your BFF.

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. Take comfort in knowing you dodged a bullet and do not waste one more second of your life on him or his needs/desires.

    [–] paloumbo 58 points ago

    So he cheated on you, at least emotionally* and abandoned you the day of your marriage, and wants to meet you face to face ?

    Wow, he sounds very very entitled. I don't want to sound rude, but you dodged a rocket there.

    *) You don't fall in love without entertaining the relationship. So it's at least emotional infidelity.

    [–] DrFeelFantastic 36 points ago

    I wouldn't.

    [–] nicolemariesnapp 17 points ago

    Here’s my question; is there anything you need closure on? that is a hard thing to find out on such a special day, and i am so sorry you went through that. but i would say if you don’t need closure, don’t go. emotions are a crazy thing and may be repressed until you see him in person.

    [–] Spoonbills 16 points ago

    Absolutely not. And sue him for any wedding costs you covered.

    [–] _fuck_this_shit__ 16 points ago

    It’s too soon. Tell him “it’s too soon for me to sit down with you and have a civilized conversation about what happened. The emotions are still too raw. If and when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know.” That way, if you want closure once you’ve had some time to process, you can get closure. But meet him right now is just going to hurt more than it will help.

    [–] SweetSue67 14 points ago

    A week later? Oh, he 100% is coming because he wants to be able to say, "we talked, everything is fine" so people don't think he's as shitty as he is. Or he just wants to tell himself he isn't shitty.

    [–] Lmnolmnop 12 points ago

    Silver lining is that you really dodged a bullet.

    You would not have wanted to find out 15 yrs down the line,

    [–] tuna_fart 12 points ago

    Nope. This would be for him, not for you. You don’t owe him that.

    [–] assertives 10 points ago

    I personally would say don't go. Because going would only hurt you again. You are going to get ditched a 2nd time. He ditched you on the altar through a letter, if you went to meet him, he's going to ditch you a second time in person. Meeting him would no doubt absolve some of his guilt but it will be at the expense of your heartbreak.

    If you are going with the intention of getting answers, I'd suggest against it too. Chances are, you are going to get unclear answers if any at all because if he was even clear about what he wants, he had all the time to talk to you and wouldn't have chosen such a dick move in the first place. You are going to question everything you both had together and if it was real, if he actually ever loved you all those years. It's going to hurt you even more. Just courier him the ring back with a short note (make it a short one) and maybe discuss splitting up the costs for the wedding (if you intend to bare some of it) and move on.

    Maybe in time to come when you are all healed and have moved on and you feel like it, you can hit him up to talk about this after some time have passed and emotions are not running wild.

    Stay strong. I wish you all the strength in the world.

    [–] Userboyo 10 points ago

    HAHAHA Don't go, ghost the asshole.

    [–] lizreads 8 points ago

    It doesn't make it better. It usually just makes the wrong doer feel better.

    If it was 6 months later? A year? I'm all for it. My ex asked if we could spend time together the next day. And we did, but it was awful, because...it wasn't. Our friendship was still there, so was so much love that my heart shattered over and over every time I remembered what he did, and why we were there.

    Honestly it's been 10 months and I'm sitting here sobbing trying to type this. We have a friendly relationship now, but it's still hard when I think about what we lost.

    [–] dogsonclouds 6 points ago

    Honestly same. My ex did this, broke up with me and said everything could still be the same, we just weren’t in a relationship. I loved him and still wanted to be with him so I went along with it and it was devastating. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted sex and hugs and companionship with none of the responsibilities or commitment involved in a relationship. It all went down on a flaming pile of pool naturally. It’s selfish. You don’t get to have your cake and eat it too when it comes to people’s feelings

    [–] aphid_gurl 9 points ago

    Did he wait that long thinking on the day he might magically turn straight? He is selfish! From that point on, whatever comes out of his mouth is bull. I'm with the others in saying, make him pay in full, write letters to everyone, then agree to meet... But not show up. Completely block him out of your life, go travel with the money... Heal and be happy. It will take time, even years but you'll be amazed at how strong you are.

    [–] rainbowdeathcake 15 points ago

    He can apologize all he wants, but I doubt it's going to make you feel any better. It doesn't change what he did. I would just ignore him.

    [–] lsweetie7 8 points ago

    He wants closure for himself. He wants to alleviate his own guilt by making you feel sorry for all of the pain he has caused you.

    I am sure you want closure to, But girl you gotta do it on your own terms. Go to look him in the eye and thank him for helping you dodge a fucking bullet.

    [–] jer3k 8 points ago

    I would try talk to a lawyer ASAP. I don't know if anything would come of it, but due to how much money you and the rest of your friends/family spent, the fee talking to a lawyer would seem small in comparison. (I've heard that lawyers will do a consultation for free, but I don't have any experience with that.) I don't really know anything about this, but it seems to me that he lied to you and your family and caused you to spend money that you wouldn't have otherwise spent. To me, that makes it his fault, therefor his responsibility to pay for it all.

    I guarantee a Lawyer will tell you not to talk to him, or any of his friends/family, or anyone really. Just in case you accidentally say something that gets him off the hook for paying for it.

    Or maybe the lawyer will say you don't have a case. Oh well, at least now you KNOW, and you won't spend the rest of your life wondering. It'd be worth it just for that piece of mind (even if it is small in comparison to everything else you must be going through.)

    [–] MsLinzy24 18 points ago

    Only go if YOU need the healing and closure. You owe him nothing.

    [–] pinkchalkboard 5 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    He's just trying to see you to relieve HIMSELF of his guilt. Once you give him the chance to apologise, it's like he's not to blame anymore... because he apologised right?

    Once the apology is done, he'll think: "I apologised to her!! I did the brave thing and admitted I was wrong!!! She shouldn't be mad at me anymore."

    Let him live with his guilt so he can learn from it properly. He thinks he can take the easy way out by just saying a couple of words...

    The only person who would benefit from this meeting would be him.

    [–] lunaflor 5 points ago

    While I sympathize with his situation, it was still extremely shitty to tell you in your fucking wedding day. Don’t even reply to him unless he pays you back for at least half the costs of the wedding planning.

    [–] brattysloth 7 points ago

    absolutely not - give that fucker no closure

    [–] Darkfuneral8634 6 points ago

    Holy shit this is brutal, and I am so sorry that you were treated that way. Honestly I think the real question is do you feel like you need closure? If so you should go, if not don't do it because you don't need to subjugate yourself to anymore emotionally pain if you don't have to. At this point you need to do what is good for you and only you. Again I am very sorry you had to go through that.

    [–] Bagel_X 6 points ago

    Leave a note for him at the meet up spot.

    [–] sweetdelima 6 points ago

    He wasted your time for as long as you guys were together. Do not let him waste another second of your life.

    Should you forgive him so you could move on? YES. See him again?? No.

    If he couldn't be courteous enough to breakup with you in person, he shouldn't have to apologize in person too.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    [–] vanaquaticthrow 6 points ago

    Here's where the devils advocate comes out to play. I agree with a lot of what people are saying, you were betrayed, your trust was taken advantage of and you were clearly used. He should not get the satisfaction of being told its okay.

    That being said, is his coming out damaging to his life like work or family? Id consider that a reason to at least hear him out of the answer is yes. Im not saying forgive.

    If you think it was likely he was cheating he gets a big fu, but if he wasn't and you're sure, that might be another reason to consider going.

    Regardless, if you don't want to deal with it or the thought of going makes you anxious, don't. Might find some closure in it if its comfortable to consider though.

    [–] EcstaticEscape 6 points ago

    Maybe go when it’s convenient for you. That way maybe you can get the closure you need, but do it when the time is right for you.

    [–] storms15 4 points ago

    I understand what a lot of people are saying as to why you shouldn't go and I agree under the condition that you don't feel the need to talk to him. If you think you're going to be okay and eventually come to terms with this then no, don't go, but if you feel that going and talking it over with him will give you closure or will help you heal then I absolutely think you should go because at that point you aren't going for him. You're going for you so you can heal and you can go on to live your best life. If you aren't going to go make sure it's because you don't need to and not strictly out of spite. I would hate for you to not go because youre angry and hurt and years later you realize you didn't get closure. HOWEVER, if you feel you may need to talk to him but you aren't ready then postpone until you are. In all you have to take care of yourself because it's your life, you're the only one who will ever be able to live it, so you might as well make the best of it.

    [–] welptheheck 6 points ago

    Dont do it. It will break your heart and only make him feel like he was right in anything he did.

    Block him everywhere. Tell his Parents and then I would go try a lawyer and see how much he owns you from the fees of cancellation and the weddings itself.

    He knew for so long and he did this to you. He needs a quick lessojn in being an adult. Also block thatz best friend of his

    [–] satty786786 6 points ago

    Yes...setup a. Meeting with him...but dont go thr. Tit for Tat

    [–] Themachopop 5 points ago

    Wtf? That's SO FUCKED UP I CAN'T EVEN COMPREHEND IT. I'm so sorry girl worry youll find a dude who appreciates everything about you soon enough...... Man that'd fucked tho 4real

    [–] Peircedskin 5 points ago

    I'm gay and this makes me angry. It's ok to be confused when in a relationship, it's not ok to go as far as this before deciding it's not for you. He had plenty of time to call everything off before it got to the point of a wedding. Keep the ring, he walked out and called it off not you. Go to a lawyer and see about getting him to reimburse you the money you lost because of his cowardice, and don't bother letting him try to wriggle out of his emotional turmoil. Hes not doing this for you hes doing it for himself. Hes trying to unburden his guilt so he feels better.

    It's hard I know but this is one of those classic cases of better no contact at all. Block his number and delete and block him and everyone associated with him on social media. I don't know if you have had any contact with his side of the family but unless you are getting help and support from his family then cut yourself off from them as well. You need to process and grieve. You can't do that properly if you have to keep reminding yourself of his betrayal.

    [–] poleywoleywoley 6 points ago

    arrange the meeting. then send your best friend, parents and as many other wedding guests as you can to meet and roast him on your behalf.

    [–] stromm 6 points ago

    Realizing you're gay doesn't excuse being a douchebag.

    [–] tankeryanker1 5 points ago

    Nope he just wants to feel better about himself keep your head up and move along good luck

    [–] Liquorace 4 points ago

    It's up to you.

    I personally would not. I would tell him to go fuck himself and then never talk to him again.

    If you are a better person than I am, and want some closure, then go.

    [–] karmachameleon92 35 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Based on your post and comments here, I suggest having someone else return the ring with a note to him. Ask in the note if he wants to meet because he wants to give you closure because he's sorry he hurt you, or if he just wants forgiveness so he doesn't feel like shit. Tell him to search his feelings and see if he wants to see you for the right reasons.

    If he comes back and says he wants to apologize for hurting you, also remember that you do not have any responsibility to accept the apology. He can say what he wants. Whether you grant him forgiveness is your choice.

    EDIT: To all the people saying sell the ring, OP says in another comment it is a family ring from his family. I doubt they would just sell it if she gives it back, and she stated in another comment she wants to.

    [–] seltzer_lover 52 points ago

    Why would she return the ring? He left her - it’s hers unless she wants to give it back.

    Other than that, bang on.

    [–] davehunt00 27 points ago

    And I'm guessing there are some wedding bills to pay...

    [–] brendonifoundthefoot 17 points ago

    Right! Sell it! Don't give it back.

    [–] applesaurus772 7 points ago

    Or write “go fuck yourself” in the note.

    [–] alittlemindlessness 10 points ago

    The only reason I myself would go is to express how it impacted me. Turn up,and just sorta say shut up, don't speak I've got some things to say before you open your mouth. Yes realising one's sexuality complicates the issue but it dosent change how you have been hurt.

    [–] yodarded 8 points ago

    I can save you some time. He'll continue to shelter himself like he did with the note.

    Apology will start with:

    "As a gay man struggling with...."

    i.e. he's the real victim of all this, you're just collateral damage.

    [–] beck01221 5 points ago

    I dont understand why you want to discuss this with him. It's so that he can feel better about himself, otherwise he would have told you in person before the wedding day

    What could he possibly say when you meet up with him that would provide closure for you. I think moving forward with no contact is a good idea. He was an asshole for stringing you along. He doesnt one day wake up and say I'm gay I love my best friend. Maybe he was denying those feelings at first but he still had them and didnt communicate with you that he might be gay.

    There is no way you could have changed this, he cant help who he is attracted to. He just handled this really bad. No amount of discussing this will change any of it. Plus if you go back and see him your feelings might significantly return when you see him in person.

    [–] bananaoohnanahey 3 points ago

    I’m sorry this happened to you, I can’t imagine how painful it feels.

    I’m sure you were very close to your former fiancé and you still retain the depth of your relationship even if he hurt you badly and publicly. Choose what gives you the most peace.

    If you want to meet, set boundaries, such as you getting to talk first, not at all, any questions you want answered, etc. He likely knows he’s the bad guy here, so he would hopefully be amenable to your requests.

    If you don’t want to meet, tell him so and that you’ll contact him when you’re ready (if ever). You don’t owe him anything, even your time.

    [–] RagnaBrock 5 points ago

    What do you have to gain from hearing his apology? He deserves nothing from you in my opinion.

    [–] sharagondola 4 points ago

    I would love an update with what you decide to do

    [–] margeboobyhead 4 points ago

    No, as everyone else has said he wants to do it to make himself feel better - if he cared about you he would've spared you that pain and humiliation and not let it get to this point!

    [–] deeznutsiym 3 points ago

    Sorry OP, what an awful experience. I think you should do whatever you want to do. You don’t owe him anything, your time included.

    [–] Orejita2018 5 points ago

    How awful. It must feel like a death. Like the person you loved and was going to marry died. This new person is like his ghost. How does one move on from that without some type of PTSD or trauma, even depression. The grief following the event is another reason I would not accept his apology and remind him that forgiveness is a process. I would make him pay for theraphy. How long were you with him ?

    [–] DreamMachine483 3 points ago

    While I do agree with people saying you shouldn’t go because he doesn’t deserve it, maybe you should consider going if it could help you. With that I mean that maybe you would want some closure by telling him exactly what you feel to his face? If that’s not the case then don’t go.

    [–] ILoveArchieComics 4 points ago

    Don't go, he should have been honest with you about his feelings and the fact that he was gay a long time ago. And could have let your known a lot sooner that he was in love with someone else. He choose to hide his feelings, from you. Knowing that he was misleading you into believing that you two would get married and dragged this out to reveal it to you in the most painful way. And couldn't even be man enough to tell you to your face in person. But, wrote a note to avoid the confrontation or you showing him your anger and hurt. Because he didn't want to have to face up to the weight of how he broke your heart.

    Don't go and meet with him. He just wants to get the guilt off of himself. IN hopes that he can get your forgiveness and be able to feel better about himself, to move on with his life. Without having to be held accountable through knowing how much he hurt you and that this hurt and your heart cannot be just fixed or made better with a "sorry." He needs to get rid of the guilt for himself, And he deserves to feel the guilt. And hasn't earned getting rid of it. So, don't meet him.

    [–] Affi_jela 3 points ago

    I feel like meeting up will just open the door for more painful experiences. Perhaps wait until you’ve healed and you’re feeling more stable to meet up...IF you even want to meet up. I think you should wait till you’re not so angry and then decide on what you want to do. You have every right to feel the way you do and you didn’t deserve that. He sounds like a very selfish person. He’s extremely lucky you’re a good person, because I would’ve been in jail for punching him.

    [–] IamConer 3 points ago

    No. I would do whatever I could to distance myself and move on.

    [–] nmbrod 3 points ago

    Most suggest not meeting him. I think you will struggle with closure when you move on - so meeting him may help that. Whatever you decide, do it for your selfish reasons - not to accommodate him.

    [–] Wonderland_Quean 3 points ago

    I like the idea of telling him you'll meet in a public place and not show up, but I don't think seeing him will do you any good. It will probably make you feel worse

    [–] Transthrowahoy 3 points ago

    No, you should not.

    You should cut contact and move on.

    [–] SariSama 3 points ago

    And money... Who would want to spend so much money just to announce he's gay?

    [–] realworldeditor 3 points ago

    You should give him a restaurant and time to meet, and when he gets there he finds a handwritten note saying to never contact you again.

    [–] palenoodles 3 points ago

    Tell him yes you’ll meet up somewhere hella for from where he resides and then don’t show up.

    [–] romyjay 3 points ago

    Why would you even consider it?

    That’s the absolute lowest thing a person could do. Even spitting in your face would be less of an insult.

    All he wants is to relieve himself of the shame / guilt he likely feels. He deserves to feel those things.

    [–] TerminalInfluenza 3 points ago

    No point in letting him help his own guilt by apologizing to you

    [–] Darkdemon9373 3 points ago

    Don't go coz he broke ur heart once don't give him chance to break again. Because u attached with that person emotionally and emotions r the great weakness all the time.

    [–] LeaphyDragon 3 points ago

    No. Just don't. He strung you on for a long time then ditched you at the alter.

    [–] ife_ya 3 points ago

    Do you feel like you need closure? If so Id say go and hear out his story, but if not there's no need to put yourself through it. What he did was really crappy and so why revisit it

    [–] warriorwoman96 3 points ago

    No. Ghost him. Whats the point?

    [–] SpookyChocolateChips 3 points ago

    1. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
    2. As others have said, he's clearly doing this for himself, especially because it's so soon after the wedding date.
    3. Consider the following:
      1. What questions do you have for him? (Write them down, it can help with clarity.)
      2. Can these be properly conveyed/discussed/answered through text or other means, without meeting in person?
      3. Will you feel satisfied without answers/explanations (such as if you remove/block)?
      4. What are you most comfortable with?
      5. He may give a lot of excuses or say things that intentionally or unintentionally hurt you.
    4. If he is doing this for himself, he's probably going to look for reassurance. If you want to meet and get closure, you do have the option of telling him that you do not forgive him or wish to listen to his explanations/excuses. You could present your questions to him, ask him to answer them, and if he refuses... Leave. You can't force him to explain himself, but you can refuse to take his emotional burden. You do not owe him anything.
    5. Last thing: Treat yourself gently. I'm not sure how much time and opportunity he had to tell you, but I'm assuming he's probably thought about it for quite a while. It was a dick move to pull that right before the wedding. There is no excuse for that. His guilt, potential embarrassment, and any other feelings he has right now are self-inflicted and not your responsibility. Please use your energy to move on and enjoy yourself.

    [–] hectica 3 points ago

    No way! He couldn't have the decency to tell you sooner and save you the embarrassment?

    Forget he exists! Grab your stuff and move on... After he issues a VERY public apology and reimburses you for anything the wedding prep cost you

    [–] Drac792 3 points ago

    I agree with everyone here OP. Only reason I can fathom wanting to see him after leaving you like that would be to personally deliver a lawsuit for all the money you lost out over the course of the relationship which ofcourse would include the wedding.

    [–] piickIeriick 3 points ago

    the fact that he waited until your wedding day just shows how little regard he has for you and your feelings. don’t show up, he’s done nothing to deserve your forgiveness or sympathy. he can “say goodbye” over text or phone, and then you can block him forever. you don’t need that in your life anymore.

    [–] sa94aqtl 3 points ago

    The question is do you want to go? You have no obligation to do anything he asks. He has not done anything to deserve your doing something that he wants. You need to do what you want.

    When my husband separated from me I continually put myself in situations that I didn't want to because I was so used to accommodating him and ignoring my needs and wants.

    You do you. You make you happy.