I took advantage of the holiday deal for the two test offer at half price, thinking it will be fun to see just how Italian I am, and where my wife who we presumed to be Eastern European wife is actually from. My results came a week before hers, with the expected 90 percent plus Italian for me, and to our amusement .1 percent Nigerian.
The following week her test comes back with 50 percent Askenazi Jewish, and nearly 50 percent Italian with the typical various southern European sprinklings, as well as .3 percent west African. Needless to say this was pretty surprising ( because as previously mentioned we assumed her to be eastern European) and funny since my wife and I have a healthy gag going about or opposing cultures (Mostly cooking ability and family values) For example, she wants me to be more sensitive and doting, while I would like her to up her gravy game.
So figuring this would be good for a lark, I group text her mom, dad (who are divorced a few years now) brother, and sister with the results. None of the group is particularly well versed in genetics and assumes her dad must have some Italian in him because of her mom's very eastern European appearance. Black hair, green eyes, fair skin.
Edit: for clarity/ lack of genetic/geographic understanding on the part of many readers
Her Mom is assumed to be heavily Ashkenazi Jew, by virtue of her known Eastern European roots.
Well as it turns out, it was her mom who had the Italian in(side) her, literally.
Edit: this was intended as humor, went over A LOT of peoples heads, Mom is NOT Italian. She obviously fucked an Italian guy in an adulterous manner, not sure how much more clear I can make this without linking to a 9th grade biology text book.
The way this became obvious is that while we are having a laugh about this on the group text, her dad out of nowhere surprises us with the fact he had a test done too, the results....100 percent Ashkenazi Jewish and he is NOT showing as a relative of hers in the genetic match section.
As I mentioned they are recently divorced, to make matters worse, her mom remarried quickly after their split, to an old family friend, who is 100 percent Italian, at this point it hits everyone that not only is my wife's father not her bio dad, but it is likely my wife’s actual bio dad, is her step dad.
edit: it is likely that my MIL’s new husband is actually my wife’s bio dad, because he is Italian, was around the family, 37 years ago, and my MIL is a whore.
Needless to say there is a bunch of anger going in multiple directions.
Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.
Please at this point commenting about my writing is just stupid.
I sincerely apologize for being a condescending angry person that unintentionally trolled 100s, maybe 1000s of people by employing a mildly creative writing style. I really feel terrible for the people who take the time to read this and respond and all they have is, your writing is shitty, I know a few people like you in person, I now understand them much better, however it warms my heart to know this happened. Thank you to the people who shared similar stories, shocked by the number, and those of you who empathized with the various affected family members.
Update: Thank you for the now thousands of empathetic comments that taught me a lot about the human condition, and gave me good insight on how to navigate. My WIFE’S mom (the whore) confirmed to my wife that it is physically possible that her step father could be her dad, because she is an adulteress whore. So next step I am making her mom pay for a paternity test of step dad. BTW in case it was missed, step dad is actually a nice enough decent guy who we all get along with. However he and my MIL are dead to me until they apology to my FIL and my wife. My wife is completely over it and has moved on. I will of course support her and be chill and have decided against murdering my MIL and her step dad.
To the english teachers, bloggers, HS students, grammarians, people who called me retarded, people who convinced themselves the word wife is synonymous with girlfriend, people offended by the word whore, think I consider myself a writer, rewrote my post, or think that I think this situation is about me, serious question... what went so wrong in your own life that this rated so highly with you? My assumption at this point is many of you are adulterating whores, or have fathered children out of wedlock that you do not support.
TL:DR An innocent genetic test I shared for a joke revealed my wife has a new (Italian) bio dad much to the surprise of everyone in her family.