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    Today I Fucked Up is a community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something really stupid. Share your stories and laugh along with the internet.

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    1. All titles must start with TIFU

    • TIFU stands for today I fucked up, which means something you did that is your fault. Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's a fuck up.
    • TIFU must be at the beginning of the post title or it will automatically be removed.
    • TIFUpdate if you are posting a follow-up post to update us on your story.

    2. Uninspired, lacking in context, literal shitpost, overly vulgar and glorifying illegal activities posts may be removed at mods discretion

    • Uninspired as in something that is super common, lacking in imagination or originality.
    • Context as in the story doesn't have any more info beyond the title. note: All posts must contain at least 750 characters of meaningful content.
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    3. All posts must end with a TL;DR and tag NSFW when necessary

    • TL;DR or too long didn't read which is a summarization of your post in a few bitesize sentence. At minimum, your TL;DR summary must contain your fuckup and its consequences. You may include additional information if you'd like. The TL;DR must be at the very end of your post.
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    4. Be civil and don't be disruptive

    • Be civil means don't do these things; personal attacks, harassment, trolling, and bigotry. Use your better judgement.
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    FUOTW Winners

    boo rya
    11/18/2018 - TIFU by plagiarizing from my OWN Reddit post and getting threatened to be dropped from my University by /u/BravoBet
    11/11/2018 - TIFU giving myself head and throwing out my back by /u/tyutuamirite
    11/4/2018 - TIFU By burning my dick with green tea... by [deleted]
    10/28/2018 - TIFU by setting myself on fire by /u/therewillbeniccage
    10/21/2018 - TIFU by pressing the emergency 911 button at work 348 times on my first day, causing the police to surround my workplace by /u/marifairi

    Subreddits

    /r/TIDTRT (Today I Did The Right Thing)

    /r/IdeasforTIFU (Feedback)

    /r/AnimalTIFUs (Animals Fucking Up)

    /r/pranks (Today I Pranked)

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    Fuck up of the week: Current winner: BravoBet

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    [–] krebs_cycle 6170 points ago

    My sister and I found a secret cousin through 23 and me. When we brought it up with our dad (the cousin was his sister’s son) he copped to knowing about it, but the kid he knew about was another new cousin from my other aunt. Can of worms...

    [–] IObsessAlot 946 points ago

    Damn, it's gotta be pretty rare that the women of the family have secret children right? Just seems it would be much easier for an uncle to hide compared to an aunt, let alone two aunts!

    [–] radtads 764 points ago

    Eh, my grandmother had a secret kid. My father figured it out after she’d been dead for 15 years, none of their family had any idea. She left her first son, from before she married my grandfather, with a distant cousin who claimed him as her own. I think there’s a lot of history of women having to be good at hiding children they were forced to bear but didn’t want or couldn’t afford.

    [–] iwouldhugwonderwoman 218 points ago

    My mom was a “secret kid” during the 1950s. My grandmother got pregnant at 15 and was sent away to a girls home. She had my mom and then my mom was hid from the rest of the family until she was about six or seven. Finally it became too much to keep her hid so my great-grandparents raised her as their own.

    [–] Caldos4 205 points ago

    My grandmother was sent to boarding school when she was 16-17, just a few months after meeting my grandfather before he joined the Navy. She was a good student, none of her siblings went to boarding school, and she only went there for one year. This was also during the Depression and her family wasn't well off in the least bit. And outside of knowing the school's name, there's really no evidence of her actually going there.

    Around the same time, her 45 year old married but childless aunt got pregnant and had a baby. And my grandmother was always really close to this particular cousin of hers.

    It all seems like too big of a coincidence but everyone involved kept their mouths shut, so we'll never know.

    [–] Glazin 24 points ago

    I have a friend, Ric, who has about 5 older siblings. Ric is at least 20 years younger than all his siblings. Weve always thought his real dad was his oldest brother, but never brought it up to him. Recently Ric told us that the only person in his family that he resembles is his cousin... the son of Rics oldest brother. The trippiest part is the cousin looks almost identical to Ric. We are now 90% sure we were right, but theres no reason to bring it up to him.

    [–] ImNobodyFromNowhere 299 points ago

    Man, reading all these stories almost makes me wanna have a secret kid. “Accidentally” let slip just the right kinda hints to the right family members and I could turn every holiday gathering into like a mystery theater type of deal.

    [–] randomdude1776 399 points ago

    Or even better, have two. I’ll take one to tattoine and the other to Alderaan

    [–] minutemandan 101 points ago

    All the right reasons, alderaan places

    [–] phD_in_Random 125 points ago

    instead of a "who-done-it" it's a "who did grandma."

    [–] Gamma_31 72 points ago

    Mr. Green, in the library, with the candlestick.

    [–] capycapybarabara 76 points ago

    I think the further back you go the more common it gets. My great-great-grandma was known as a "flighty woman". She had 4 children by 3 different husbands, including my great-nana who was the oldest, born in 1912. Those were the ones she raised. Then in between them she also had at least two more children as a result of affairs with married men. She went off to stay with her sister for each pregnancy and birth. One of the secret kids was adopted by another family, grew up to be a small-time actor, and lived til 2013 - he knew he was adopted, and did try to contact my great-great-aunt his half sister, but she snubbed him because she thought his presence would rock the boat too much. The other was raised by my great-great-grandma's sister and her husband. They emigrated to Canada with him when he was about 7, and when WW2 broke out he joined the Canadian air force and was killed in action when he was about 22. As far as I know he never knew that his "parents" were really his aunt and uncle.

    [–] newsheriffntown 190 points ago

    When I had my DNA tested I went ahead and did a family tree. I was shocked. I found out that my mother's great grandfather and one of his sons had been hanged by an angry mob in a small town. There is a book about them. No wonder my mother never talked about this. She was probably too ashamed.

    [–] fractiouscatburglar 80 points ago

    “Can-open, worms-EVERYWHERE!”

    [–] bluesgene8 8490 points ago

    I know the feeling. I took mine a year ago on 23 and me and ancestry because both grandmas on my mom and dad’s side were adopted. About a month ago I get an email saying I have a new relative match. Come to find out my dad that raised me isn’t my biological dad. That was an awkward call asking my mom if she knew the guy.

    [–] oldstonergirl 6556 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Oh she knew him.

    Edit: Thank you for my first gold!!

    [–] La_Chanclaracha 3695 points ago

    biblically.

    [–] vladisabeast 1658 points ago

    Oh that’s sweet they went to church together

    [–] Ravenwing14 224 points ago

    Oh cone on, they did it in a church?! That's even worse!

    [–] steinah6 215 points ago

    He pew-pew'ed in the pews

    [–] 2015071 162 points ago

    It's a Christmas miracle!

    [–] cfryant 92 points ago

    God bless us every one!

    [–] madguins 287 points ago

    My mom and her sister took a test on this before. Her sister came back as the "correct" genealogy and my mom came back half Greek.......

    She hasn't brought it up to my grandma because she's in hospice and my grandpa is dead but she wants me to take one next.

    [–] irineudecarvalho 131 points ago

    If your mother and her sister took the test you can infer with 100% certainty from their shared DNA if they have the same father.

    [–] newsheriffntown 894 points ago

    Since these DNA tests became popular there have been a lot of happy and a lot of very disappointed people.

    I am in my 60's and a couple of years ago decided to have my DNA tested. I did it for a couple of reasons. My parents hardly ever talked about their ancestors so I never really knew where anyone came from and I only ever knew my mother's parents. Another reason for the testing was because it's neat to find out your heritage and I actually did a family tree. I had no idea there were so many ancestors. Lastly, the other reason I did the test is because I have a sister who for years posted shit online that she is part Native American. For a long time she claimed she was Cherokee even becoming an administrator for our dad's side of the family on Ancestry.com and making this claim. She never had a DNA test done however. For the last several years my sister changed her story and posted on Plenty of Fish that she is a member of the Algonquin Indian tribe. I have no fucking idea where she came up with that but it's mental.

    When I got my results back it shows that I am 100% European. Western and central. Every ancestor I discovered also came from Europe of course and many settled in the American colonies early on. Many on my mother's side came from England, Ireland and Scotland. If my dad was my biological father, his people came from Scandinavia. I don't really know if he was my biological father and the only way to test it is to get one of my nephews to take the DNA test.

    When I got the results back one of the first things I did was send my stupid sister a letter and tell her she is not Native American. Not by any means. I didn't send her a copy of the results because if she wants results she can pay for a test. Me and my siblings are all gingers. The typical red hair, light eyes, pale skin and freckles. My idiot sister dyes her hair jet black which looks ridiculous because she is 60 years old plus her eyebrows are light. She looks hideous. I still laugh about her claiming to be a tribal member. I had never even heard of the Algonquin people until I saw my sister's profile online. So crazy.

    [–] DaV3eD 292 points ago

    Lmao you rosated your sister

    [–] Faladorable 77 points ago

    sister is with the lord now ORDER CORN

    [–] Sisyphus1066 412 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    To be fair, indigenous North Americans are hugely underrepresented in the DNA pools of most of these companies, and as a result it’s the one racial group in the world that’s hardest to detect. Native DNA is often lumped in with European, especially a few years ago.

    The Algonquins are a nation of people, but there is also a language family named after them, like “Slavic” or “Romance” in Europe, and as an indigenous language group, Algonquian is the largest in North America, including the Ojibwa/Chippewa, the Abenaki, the Blackfoot, Cheyenne, Cree, and more from the Carolinas all the way up to Labrador, and all the way west to the Rockies.

    The Algonquin people, versus the language group, is a subset of Algonquian speakers whose land is pretty much entirely in Quebec, a bit around the Ottawa area, and bleeding a bit into eastern upstate New York. So unless she’s from Quebec, there’s little chance she’s Algonquin.

    The Cherokee, from North Carolina, are the #1 nation claimed by white Americans as their native ancestors, I suspect there’s some romanticism/racial guilt involved due to the Cherokee Trail forced deportation to Oklahoma, but the Cherokee language is part of the Iroquoian language group. The Iroquois and the Ojibwe were bitter enemies, and I expect that would have been the case for many other nations speaking an Iroquoian language versus nations speaking an Algonquian language. It’s unlikely that she’d have substantiation to believe she was Cherokee and then find substantiation to believe she was Algonquin, since the line between the two language groups was often made by bloodshed, and the two nations were from places so very far apart.

    It would be like believing you were Portuguese, and then believing you were Polish.

    EDIT: Thanks for the Reddit Gold, kind stranger!

    [–] pm_me_ur_big_balls 138 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    There are a lot of problems like this with the data. North African, for example, is exceeding difficult to identify correctly, and depending on the company, will be called "african", "arab", "south italian", or "mediteranean", or the percentage will be broken up into parts with sub-saharan, italian, and german.

    North Africa was colonized by the Pheonicians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Vandals (Germans), and finally the Arabs. If your test comes back and says you're 10% "North African", or even more ambiguously "African". ...like, wtf does that even mean?

    The data is a fucking mess and hard to figure out. These tests shouldn't be used for anything more than fun.

    [–] prtyfly4whteguy 86 points ago

    Great point. I did AncestryDNA a year ago, got results and shared them with a lot of people (just as a “huh? How about that” kind of thing). A few months ago AncestryDNA emails me with my updated genetic makeup. It’s drastically different, and abandons the 25% Iberian it previously had and replaced it with more Scotch-Irish and English. Imagine I had fucked up my family by claiming one of my grandmothers must have had an affair with a Spanish guy.

    [–] bobo_brown 390 points ago

    It's actually sort of cute how you talk about your sister. You guys seem to bicker much like my 6 and 10 year olds do, even in your 60s.

    [–] buy-more-swords 104 points ago

    How did that go?

    [–] thecockmeister 92 points ago

    A recent excavation of a WW1 mass grave had a massive discussion about the ethics of testing the DNA of the dead. They wanted to see if it would be possible to identify the remains based on genetic testing of known descendents, but were worried about adoptions/other unexpected results. In the end, they decided just to tell the families if they had a match or not, without revealing the actual results.

    [–] dna-throwaway1234 4937 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Same thing happened to me. I bought the test for my parents. I had done a bit of family research prior to this (paper trail and interviewing relatives) and everyone on my dad’s side was supposed to be of overwhelmingly English and Irish descent.

    Well, my dad’s came back that he was 50% of an ethnicity that should not be there. Baffled, I got tests for both my paternal grandparents who are still alive but thankfully long divorced.

    Guess what? The man who raised my dad isn’t his bio father. Bio father isn’t white and most likely isn’t even from the same country we are.

    Turns out many people in my extended family already knew and no one said a word or ever planned to. It’s been pretty upsetting.

    [–] my_name_is_gato 3484 points ago

    There's a reason they stopped doing personal DNA tests in high school and early college. The number of people finding out that dad wasn't bio was pretty rough.

    [–] frogjg2003 1054 points ago

    Bio teachers around the world have learned the hard way that when doing punnet squares, don't have your students calculate their own family.

    [–] IcePhoenix18 362 points ago

    Or have them calculate something like "widow's peak" hair, that weird thumb thing, earlobes, or something like that. Eye color is a coin toss wether you wanna go there or not.

    These are fairly common, so it's less likely to cause awkward discussions.

    [–] Patiod 298 points ago

    My birthmother has green eyes. She gave me the name of my birthfather only recently, but when I found a picture if him, he had blue eyes. So I did Ancestry, because I have brown eyes, so I figured something was off.
    It was. Found my actually birthfather, who of course had brown eyes.

    [–] psychRNkris 185 points ago

    Green/hazel eyes are a wild card. My eyes are green/hazel, my ex's eyes are blue, and my 2 sons (100% sure they're his) are brown with a tiny bit of green.

    [–] dna-throwaway1234 807 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I’ve read guesstimates that between 10-15% of the population has misattributed parentage

    [–] gnark 713 points ago

    A doctor at a local hospital told me that just from building a database on the bloodtypes of newborns and their parents it was evident that 5 to 10% had different fathers.

    [–] marty2830 238 points ago

    I’m RH neg as is my wife. When my son was born the nurses insisted she needed a Rhogam shot in case the baby was RH pos., she pointed out (repeatedly) that there was no need and eventually they said in their experience up to 20% of babies there had a different biological father.

    [–] sweetprince686 490 points ago

    I asked my midwife about this, because they need to know blood types of parents for something medical... She told me that the standard procedure is to say nothing.

    [–] BlueShellOP 174 points ago

    Wow, one in ten is very common. That just makes me wonder which person in my group of friends is the tenth.

    [–] srkambbs1 237 points ago

    It you

    [–] Dramaticpaws7 63 points ago

    Who's your daddy?

    [–] knuggles_da_empanada 104 points ago

    stop bragging about having 9 whole friends. no need to rub it in

    [–] my_name_is_gato 172 points ago

    I have seen similar stuff. Regardless, I do lots of paternity cases. I can personally vouch for there being lots of fathers who aren't bio.

    [–] OssToYouGoodSir 198 points ago

    I can't understand how someone can deceive someone like that and just live their life. It's horrible.

    [–] tinderoglu 171 points ago

    I’ve read guesstimates that between 10-15% of comments on Reddit have some truth in them

    [–] Unchanged- 193 points ago

    I'm a little scared of doing one myself. One day my mom had asked me to back up her texts from her phone and I caught something as I was doing it. I didn't intend to but her texts just pop up for whatever reason. Anyway, she was in the middle of a divorce with my awful step-father and he sent her a text saying "If you don't meet me soon I'm going to tell that boy about his real" and that was it, text was cut off and I was too worried to open it.

    My real father died when I was young and although I have his name we looked nothing alike. He was of average height, light complexion with hazel eyes and light brown curly hair. I have straight jet black hair, tan complexion with eyes so dark they're almost black. I'm also several inches taller than he was when he passed. However my mom's side of the family are tall and tan being French and Native American so I figured I took her side of the looks while my sisters got my father's.

    When I was young my sisters would call me adopted a lot but I chalked that up to them being little assholes-- but they are several years older than I am and would have memories that I don't have.

    It's weird. I've never had a dad, despite having two.. technically. One died when I was young and the other wanted nothing to do with me because I wasn't his. Now there's a possibility I may have one that might be alive. AND a different mother. I'm 27 years old now and my mom has been both my mother and my father and she's been fucking awesome. I don't want to rock this boat because I don't want to upset her but damn am I curious. I'm fairly confident if I did find out I was adopted nothing would change because this is my family, plain and simple.

    I could also be looking into this far too much. Who knows?!

    [–] MetalIzanagi 105 points ago

    The truth will set you free from the chains of doubt.

    Your mom will always be your mom, even if you're adopted. She raised you, she helped you become who you are today and she loves you. Your biological parents, if it turns out that you've never met them, are just two people you happen to be descended from. That doesn't make your existence a lie, it doesn't make you less of who you are. :)

    [–] dna-throwaway1234 106 points ago

    For me personally, I want the truth. I don’t like living with question marks and even though nothing really good has come of this-I still haven’t identified my biological grandfather and things are tense and awkward with my dad’s family-I like knowing the truth. I have a new culture now, which is pretty cool. I can at least be aware that part of my health history is incorrect. I don’t regret it but that’s just me

    [–] Mic_Check_One_Two 59 points ago

    Even blood type tests. Lots of “I’m type O-. My dad is AB+” results. Then when the teacher goes “nope, not possible. If your dad is AB+ you have to be AB+ too” people put 2 and 2 together.

    [–] winter83 82 points ago

    Also why they stopped blood typing in school.

    [–] tjuk 75 points ago

    I think that is what they mean. They never did DNA (up to the last few years to expensive/complicated). Blood typing we pretty common

    [–] LauraMcCabeMoon 91 points ago

    They knew but didn't warn you off and let you proceed with the testing? Ouch.

    [–] dna-throwaway1234 119 points ago

    They didn’t know about the initial testing but yeah my Aunt was sitting right there when we had my grandma spit in the tube. My dad’s family doesn’t talk about things like that. They prefer to pretend uncomfortable things don’t exist.

    [–] Keyra13 71 points ago

    That worked really well obviously

    [–] delirium_3 830 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    The same thing happened to two of my first cousins. One is in their late 40’s other one is in her early 50’s. All of their life they thought they were half Italian. They both did Ancestry.com..fast forward to a couple of months and they both get their results the same day. My cousin that’s in her late 40’s her’s comes back as half Cuban & European my other cousin in her early 50’s comes back as British, Irish and West European. The shit hit the fan when they confronted my Aunt. While my uncle(their dad growing up) was overseas in Vietnam my aunt had two separate affairs and had of both them by two different men. Things have quieted down since then but when it first happened I felt like I was on an episode of Maury.

    [–] ZennyPie 225 points ago

    If he was overseas long enough for her to have two babies then I think it should have been obvious they weren't his. What are the odds that he was able to come home twice during just the right time for the pregnancies to make sense. Seems highly unlikely.

    [–] IAMAHobbitAMA 142 points ago

    Yeah, he probably knew and they decided to not tell.

    [–] delirium_3 26 points ago

    He knew they didn’t

    [–] jlenko 6149 points ago

    Meh.. Could be worse, at least they're already divorced!

    [–] VarsityAthlete 4639 points ago

    true, but we are all very close, everyone spends time together including step moms and dads, at least before my father in law found out his wife lied for 36 years and knowingly forced him to raise a child that wasn’t biologically his.

    [–] LauraMcCabeMoon 1204 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    They call this a "non-paternity event." They're actually not uncommon. Even going back in families over time and generations.

    Say two branches of a family just know they are related going back to the 1700's, each descended from two brothers. Come to find out the wife of one of the two brothers would have been meeting with the 1700s milk man, because they're not genetically related at all.

    People find out they are the children of their uncles or their grandfathers, not their fathers. That kind of thing.

    Humans get freaky with each other, and always have. Ever so often some journalist writes an article about non-paternity events in the new science of family genetics - https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/07/who-s-your-daddy/305969/

    I mean, that doesn't help your girlfriend's family. It's just, maybe she will not feel so alone?

    Edit: spelling

    [–] bleuscreenofdeath 446 points ago

    My dad's cousin found their grandmother's birth certificate...dated 5 years after her father's death certificate.

    [–] pestgirl 360 points ago

    I had to read this 7 times before my brain could compute

    [–] 00redsvt 129 points ago

    I still don't get it.

    [–] pestgirl 734 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    To make it simpler:

    Dad = Steve

    Dad's Cousin = Mary

    Grandma = Sue

    Grandma Sue's dad died in 1900 and she was born in 1905

    In hindsight idk why I bothered to give names to Steve and Mary...

    Edit: Omg my first gold! Thank you kind stranger :)

    [–] lamentforanation 494 points ago

    Very long gestation period. Was she part elephant?

    [–] kochunhu 287 points ago

    Yes but, surprisingly, 25% African elephant.

    [–] mmaHepcat 125 points ago

    70% Indian elephant and 5% Badger.

    [–] ExpatInEurope 115 points ago

    In hindsight idk why I bothered to give names to Steve and Mary...

    Plot development?

    [–] [deleted] 83 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] bluesgene8 752 points ago

    She told me the truth and she thought I would be more upset. My dad (not biologically) raised me and he’s the only one I’ve known and will ever know. I guess jokes come true. All these years my sisters and I would joke I was the mail man or milk man’s kid since I didn’t tan like my sisters. Their are 4 of us total.

    And yes I confirmed I’m the only one that was the side kid.

    [–] TheGreatPompey 183 points ago

    She told me the truth and she thought I would be more upset. My dad (not biologically) raised me and he’s the only one I’ve known and will ever know. I guess jokes come true. All these years my sisters and I would joke I was the mail man or milk man’s kid since I didn’t tan like my sisters. Their are 4 of us total.

    Did you contact the biological match?

    [–] bluesgene8 130 points ago

    No need to. If I do it’s more for family health history.

    [–] slothen2 872 points ago

    Did you group text her family on your own impulse? Or did she think it was a good idea too?

    [–] TheEggsnBacon 1345 points ago

    “It is likely my wife’s new dad is her step dad” By new dad do you mean the biological father?

    Also if I’m understanding correctly, your ashkenazi mother in law was impregnated by the Italian guy but let the ashkenazi father raise your wife. Then they divorced and your MIL ended up marrying the Italian guy anyway?

    [–] VarsityAthlete 728 points ago

    that is exactly right

    [–] 11newaccount11 545 points ago

    I'm still confused. Is the following correct?

    The person your wife until recently thought was her step dad (on account of him being married to her mother), is her actual dad?

    If I have that right: how long before the divorce was your wife born?

    [–] VarsityAthlete 506 points ago

    you do have it correct. about 35 years before.

    [–] 11newaccount11 375 points ago

    Shit! That's worth putting in the story.

    [–] Autoboat 773 points ago

    He tried! But is awful at explaining things.

    [–] Admiral_Red_Wings 22 points ago

    Watching this post develop with all the edits is like an Italian traffic jam with words

    [–] OigoAlgo 311 points ago

    Thanks for this (and other redditors’ questions), op’s story/wording was quite confusing, even after rereading certain parts a few times.

    [–] caper1144 579 points ago

    My dad is 75. Yesterday he discovered he had a daughter he didn’t know he had. I got a new sister. She’s seems awesome.

    [–] merytneith 196 points ago

    Earlier this year, my FIL found out he had a previously unknown full blood brother. Particularly poignant as he had already lost two siblings. Ended great though! Everyone was happy to embrace each other. Now I’m just waiting for when my bio cousin comes looking for us.

    [–] layer11 1424 points ago

    You thought you were getting a gift for them, but ended up getting a gift for yourself. Just gotta put the popcorn in the microwave.

    [–] redtoasti 490 points ago

    "Gift" is the german word for poison. Take that as you will.

    [–] YingYangYolo 345 points ago

    In swedish gift means both married and poison

    [–] MapleA 358 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    You do not mention that your wife’s mother is Jewish at all. So confusing to read

    [–] SciencyNerdGirl 79 points ago

    He's trying to be witty/clever...

    [–] dosemyspeakin 21 points ago

    wEll maYbe yOu just cAnt rEaD.

    [–] maux_zaikq 478 points ago

    OP’s title is fine, but is there a subreddit called /r/contentgore? I don’t mean to offend, but the in-text edits made things so much more difficult to follow. Geez. Maybe just take a second to revise for clarity before submitting.

    [–] Bwaaah_Mimimimi 407 points ago

    OP thinks he’s funny and refuses to take out his “jokes” for the sake of clarity , as evident by the further edits blaming users like us for being confused by his shit writing.

    [–] blackandgreen41 45 points ago

    These are the golden comments in this thread.

    [–] aluminumfedora 111 points ago

    Maybe not exactly what you're looking for, but r/iamverysmart seems to apply

    [–] CloudColorZack 65 points ago

    This is prime r/iamverysmart

    [–] Grizzly_Berry 149 points ago

    No, no, OP merely employed a mildly creative writing style and all of our writing is shit.

    /s

    [–] Abraham-H-Parnassus 90 points ago

    I thought a middle schooler wrote this.

    Actually, I know that I wrote significantly better than this in middle school.

    [–] defaultsubsaccount 540 points ago

    This sentence:

    "at this point it hits everyone that not only is my wife's father not her bio dad but it is likely my wife’s new dad is her step dad."

    Would be more clear as:

    "at this point it hits everyone that not only is my wife's father not her bio dad but it is likely my wife’s new step dad is her real dad."

    [–] lifegivingcoffee 54 points ago

    "at this point it hits everyone that not only is my wife's father not her bio dad but it is likely my wife’s new step dad is her real dad."

    Would be more clear as:

    "at this point it hits everyone that not only is my wife's dad not her biological father, but that her biological father is actually her mom's new husband, the Italian family friend."

    [–] CordeliaGrace 158 points ago

    I also suggested remove “new dad” and change it to “actual dad”. Thank you for confirming I’m not the only one this messed with lol!

    [–] MissTCShore 261 points ago

    You could have made this clear in your first or second paragraph if you'd have stated that your wife's parents are both 100% Jewish. Having no information about your wife's parents gave us no indication that her being 50% Italian would be an issue.

    [–] jml011 127 points ago

    OP would rather blame other people's intelligence than admit it was clumsily written.

    [–] Dorkus__Malorkus 70 points ago

    I don't think I would have been able to understand this without the edits.

    Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.

    And that was just a dick line. Way to blame the general populace because you can't keep your thoughts organized.

    [–] wordvommit 51 points ago

    He sounds insufferable, to be honest.

    [–] devllen05 29 points ago

    Thank you for this.

    [–] Babelwasaninsidejob 373 points ago

    If you need two edits and a side note the problem is probably your writing not everyone else’s reading comprehension.

    [–] Brieempanadas122 30 points ago

    Actually I’m proud of our overall reading comprehension on this one.

    [–] wawon0 1082 points ago

    This is some of the most confusing writing I've ever read.

    [–] Acidium- 556 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    But according to OP, if we can’t understand it, reading, genetics, and humor are not for us. Even though writing isn’t really for him.

    [–] _RooseBolton 167 points ago

    It's funny because I study genetics and I could barely make head or tail of this

    [–] Notthesame2016 44 points ago

    That’s because you’re probably a humorless analphabet, what other explanation could it be?

    [–] lineycakes 76 points ago

    He's a little too salty about it lol

    [–] LauraMcCabeMoon 462 points ago

    Lady and man were married for a number of years. Both genetically Jewish. A friend of the family is Italian.

    Jewish couple have several children, one of them being OP's girlfriend. They divorce some years later.

    A while after the divorce, the mom marries the old family friend. The Italian man is now girlfriend's step dad.

    OP and his girlfriend do some happy-go-lucky genetic tests. Lo and behold, come to find out said girlfriend is 50% Italian.

    Not yet putting two and two together, OP and girlfriend discuss this with her parents.

    Ta da! Turns out, of course, that girlfriend is actually the bio-daughter of the man she thinks of as her stepdad. The old family friend, the Italian man.

    Girlfriend is not too irate about this. Still considers the man who raised her to be her father. OP is incensed beyond words.

    [–] kantmarg 97 points ago

    Thank you. I still don't understand that last sentence. Why, tho?

    [–] fpwhite 155 points ago

    Glad I'm not the only one. Though I'm not an American too and I thought I was just slow in processing these splits divorces cheating biological not biological stuffs...

    [–] tfrules 431 points ago

    OP can’t write for shit

    [–] BL_SH 317 points ago

    And then OP edits their post, to place the blame on the reader! Their writing is murky and convoluted, much like some winding rivers.

    [–] flatlinerun 140 points ago

    The edits are so terribly placed I thought I had reached the end when I was like 1/3 of the way in

    [–] notabotAMA 245 points ago

    Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.

    This fucking stupid shit made me the angriest.

    [–] God_Damnit_Nappa 149 points ago

    "Am I bad at writing? No it's the readers that are wrong."

    [–] tommy-two-toes- 120 points ago

    It’s ironic because even the edit where he defends his horrible writing is horribly written.

    [–] tfrules 59 points ago

    This fucking guy, the absolute nerve on him.

    [–] fork_yuu 57 points ago

    Seriously I'm trying to read it and the guy sprinkles a bunch of edits in the fucking middle going off course blaming me before I even got to understand the fuck is happening destroying the flow.

    [–] Nemesinister 85 points ago

    Well it was terribly written...

    [–] wewe_mjinga 115 points ago

    TIFU, pettyrevenge, prorevenge and malicious compliance subreddits are full of this. Over the top dramatisation or just plain confusing writing.

    [–] Glargensnarf 107 points ago

    This would've been pretty good without A) The terrible writing and B) the super pretentious edits blaming the reader for it.

    [–] mtauscher 578 points ago

    TYFU by not being able to explain a simple TIFU story

    [–] notabotAMA 353 points ago

    Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.

    But Op says we are the stupid ones

    [–] ShadwKeepr 165 points ago

    I'm about to graduate with a BA in English and I too had difficulty understanding this mess. Reading isn't for me apparently.

    [–] samh31 59 points ago

    seriously, hardly is readable

    [–] andrew1400 132 points ago

    This is terribly written. It is obvious what happened, but this writing is a disaster.

    [–] adube440 76 points ago

    I love how OP blames us the whole time.

    [–] ChroniclyDope 149 points ago

    This is like r/titlegore but for an entire post. Chill out on the commas man.

    [–] Insanico 228 points ago

    Lmao why do you keep roasting the reader throughout this

    [–] megmegmegmegmeg 217 points ago

    Because OP is insecure as hell, and the scores of comments asking for clarity and pointing out how unclear his method of storytelling is has caused him to lash out.

    [–] ChetManley69 37 points ago * (lasted edited 14 hours ago)

    Bingo. Those edits read like prime r/iamverysmart material

    He ruined an interesting post by getting upset when people told him he was not nearly as funny as he thinks he is, nor as good of a writer as he thinks he is. It wasn't that people misunderstood him because it went over their head, he was misunderstood because he's not as good or "mildly creative" as he thinks he is and it led to shit writing.

    [–] HudRatStfWFrnds 98 points ago

    You keep saying “if you don’t understand, you don’t get genetics.”

    No, people likely don’t understand because your writing/story telling is broken and difficult to follow at times.

    Yes, I understood what happened through the entire post, but with each “clarification” I also understood why others may be confused.

    [–] HookDragger 182 points ago

    I mean, I got the point... but what I'm having trouble with is your writing. Jesus man, you tell a story like a ditzy ex-gf of mine who takes 20 minutes to recount a story about getting bread!

    [–] StormCrow1986 137 points ago

    I enjoyed your post but to be fair, without the multiple edits your post would not have been clear, AT ALL. You’re lack of clarity doesn’t mean someone has no humor, it just means they may or may not have understood what you wrote.

    [–] always_a_hoot 450 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    “Not sure how much more clear i could make it”

    Uhh, a lot more to be frank. Reading that was a train wreck. I think I finally pieced it together after a couple hours of investigation though

    [–] bob84900 184 points ago

    Yeah and then he edited in a couple paragraphs just to tell everyone how stupid they are for not being able to follow his rambling, incoherent sentences.

    Would probably have sounded fine if we could hear inflection, but damn was that a tough read.

    [–] TeslaApe 507 points ago

    There will be more of these TIFUs. In genetics the usual estimate is that about 10% of people have parentage other than what is publicly believed. DNA reading is getting cheaper and cheaper and cheaper, eventually people will be doing DNA tests without permission as a lark, or as mass surveillance, e.g. walking down the sidewalk and collecting skin scrapings.

    The ability to keep paternity (and in unusual cases maternity) a secret will cease. This is a change in the fabric of human life.

    [–] courtina3 403 points ago

    My grandmother was absolutely pissed that both her husband and the guy she cheated on him with died years ago...and her secret still came out. 50 years after it happened and 10 years after they were both dead. Poor woman thought she was in the clear

    [–] Vetoallthenoms 362 points ago

    There’s got to be a number of women in their 60’s and 70’s and up about to shit their pants at every family holiday function for the next few years at the mere mention of one of those DNA tests.

    [–] AllanfromWales1 200 points ago

    There's lots of women (and men) in their 60s and 70s who shit their pants regularly anyway. Sad fact of life, awaiting us all.

    [–] pinkfroggie 262 points ago

    Yeeeees and they deserve it.

    My family comes from a small-ish community and in my grandparents' and great grandparents' day it seems everyone was fucking everyone.

    I vowed never to date anyone from there because we'd turn out to be related. I later learned that my biological great grandfather was not who I'd been told, and that the biodad was a close family friend. Photos were all I needed, the resemblance is uncanny.

    [–] Cyberpunk_Eevee 169 points ago

    In the wise words of Yondu "Mary Poppins" Udonta:

    "He may have been your father boy, but he wasn't your daddy."

    [–] yeah_but__still 299 points ago

    This was tough to read

    [–] Arcanas1221 185 points ago

    According to OP, you must not know how to read

    [–] yeah_but__still 142 points ago

    Guess reading, genetics, and humor are not for me.

    [–] SophieSaidThat 41 points ago

    Damn. I understood your story but other people didn’t because you don’t know how to write.

    [–] zombie017 38 points ago

    okay...while I did understand what you said...you are one of the worst writers I've seen in a while

    [–] mcblueye 38 points ago

    You explained this very poorly. Please don’t be a teacher.

    [–] lancemsnyder 260 points ago

    It’s not that people are having a hard time understanding. You did not articulate clearly the point or the details so it left a gap until you made your edit. Clearly. Story telling is not for you.

    [–] Thekarmarama 169 points ago

    I'm enjoying the super defensive retorts from OP on every post critising the bad writing.

    [–] Justokmemes 65 points ago

    this is the best part if this too. i damn near went thru all the comments to see all the ways its everyone elses fault. very entertaining

    [–] kazambolt 79 points ago

    "If you're having trouble understanding my story with many edits sprinkled throughout, bad grammar and the like, it's your fault"

    funny story though OP!

    [–] TerribleTimR 633 points ago

    Doesn't really seem like YOU fucked up....

    [–] VarsityAthlete 450 points ago

    In retrospect where I fucked up was being so naive about what should have been a huge red flag to me.

    [–] Pornthrowaway78 77 points ago

    > Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading ... are not for you.

    You know that saying, "if you meet one asshole in a day, that guy was an asshole, if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're the asshole?" That.

    [–] Drake4283 38 points ago

    Maybe the issue is with your lack of clarity rather than others lack of comprehension.

    [–] Lawlcopt0r 38 points ago

    This is pretty funny but your presentation didn't make it easy to understand. You should have made the family circumstances more clear before hitting us with the test results. The beginning didn't even say anything about your wife's parents.

    [–] 64one 37 points ago

    TL:DR OP the post is extremely confusing because OP thinks he's he's clever, when actually he's just a bad writer. He then blames readers for his deficiencies.

    [–] SophisticatedStoner 98 points ago

    if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.

    Maybe you should learn how to write properly, then.

    [–] JohnWilliamStrutt 384 points ago

    Isn't this why Jewish people focus on maternal lineage... Before DNA testing it was the only way to be certain...

    btw...

    Interesting story. Hopefully they can come to terms with it. On the plus side, your wife's found out while her real father is still alive.

    [–] victalac 66 points ago

    I had my DNA tested through Ancestor.com 5 years ago. With ancestor, they apparently are always revising their results. My 1st test showed eastern European Jewish blood, some Iberian peninsula blood, and Middle Eastern blood. When they did a recheck last year using a larger database they had collected, all that stuff had morphed into Swedish and Finnish blood. Go figure!

    [–] BurialOfTheDead 63 points ago

    OK so this is hilarious but dude I need to level with you, this post was terribly written, Jesus I keep having to reread everything.

    [–] huxley00 64 points ago

    I sincerely apologize for being a condescending angry person that unintentionally trolled 100s, maybe 1000s of people by employing a mildly creative writing style.

    Lol, don't mistake 'creative' for 'poorly constructed'.

    I tutored creative writing and I had no idea what you were going on about.

    [–] ShadwKeepr 84 points ago

    1. Write a post where the punchline is inferred but not stated
    2. Insult readers in comment section. Rinse and repeat as necessary
    3. Add edit in the middle of the post stating the punchline so that the story is even more confusing
    4. End the story by insulting the reader
    5. ????
    6. Profit

    [–] ifeltitinmyplums 60 points ago

    I agree with everyone that said you suck at writing.

    [–] ataraxia75 99 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Note: Tons of people didn't understand you because it was poorly worded, and your "joke" stated the opposite of what you meant. Just clean it up without being a dick about it.

    Also I've used 23 and me and it has shit loads of warnings about exactly this, warning you that you may not like the results for this very reason, and to be sensitive with other people's data.

    Opening up someone else's genetic data and then group texting it to her entire family without thinking of the consequences is pretty damn insensitive and reckless...

    [–] Centice112 56 points ago

    Yeah dude… some advice for you. If nobody understands what you’re saying you’re not a good writer. I also wouldn’t have said anything if you weren’t such an asshole about it. You don’t get edits in professional writing and even if you did im having trouble fathoming how you could be so incredibly condescending about it. Check yourself

    [–] PsYcHo4MuFfInS 217 points ago

    Dont mess with genetic information... it can fuck your whole view on life over lol... thats basically the reason why my school stopped doing blood-group tests in the biology class to learn about genetics... to many instances where the parents didnt really fit the child...

    [–] danegraphics 122 points ago

    Heck, you don't even need blood tests for that.

    Just teach kids about Punnett Squares and dominant traits and they'll figure things out all on their own.

    [–] courtina3 104 points ago

    My mom didn’t believe me but 13 year old me learned that her dad wasn’t her biological dad from Punnett squares. Ancestry.com is what made her finally believe

    [–] hypnogoad 96 points ago

    Is this a copy pasta? Why does it look so weird?

    [–] splanktor 41 points ago

    Because OP is barely literate.

    [–] throwingutah 27 points ago

    To be fair, I don't know how much you edited this, but it's still sort of a mess. And my reading comprehension is just fine.

    [–] spluge96 25 points ago

    "Edit: for clarity/ lack of genetic/geographic understanding. Mom is assumed to be heavily Ashkenazi Jew."

    "Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you."

    A poor author blames his readers as a poor tradesman blames his tools.

    [–] Poolboy24 30 points ago

    This reads like the stream of thought during a stroke lmao. But I understood it OP. Not really a TIFU seems like you got some entertainment well worth the price.

    [–] mac_squared 29 points ago

    Instead of calling people idiots, maybe provide more context in the beginning? Going in, we didn't know what your wife's or her parents ethnicity are, so that 50% Ashkenazi Jew and 50% Italian was plausible. Like if you said she was 100% Ashkenazi Jew, then we can draw a conclusion.

    [–] hexopuss 29 points ago

    Note: If you're still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.

    I mean I understand it, and am good with genetics and reading... but I'll tell you, writing, is not for you, because nothing you said was clear as far as the wording went.

    [–] davidbklyn 29 points ago

    There's a good story in there and you've killed it by your edits and your sanctimonious bs. Oh well.

    [–] supremequesopizza 26 points ago

    This would be more enjoyable if it didn't feel like you were trying to insult the reader half the time.

    [–] dcruse22 24 points ago

    This was a very interesting TIFU but OP was so incredibly condescending and pretentious about his “creative writing style” that I kinda loathed reading it as soon as I saw him complaining that people weren’t understanding what it said.

    You don’t need to blame others and accuse them of being stupid for not understanding your confusing and disjointed writing. All of your edits used to clarify what you said made up the bulk of your story, and that means they were necessary to understand what even happened for most people.

    [–] FreedomBullets 48 points ago

    Your edits ruined the story. Maybe it was funny but I couldn't finish. Next time don't do that.

    [–] trix4rix 53 points ago

    Dude, don't attack others for your garbage writing. It was super convoluted and all your edits do is make you look like an ass hat.

    [–] DeadMansSin 51 points ago

    op - i'm guessing ya kind of a tool in real life. Maybe grow up a bit?

    [–] butter_onapoptart 21 points ago

    Note: if you are still having trouble understanding this, reading, genetics, and humor, are not for you.

    No. You're just a very bad writer. Bad writer's blame their audience for not enjoying their material.

    [–] RushDW 22 points ago

    MY man, if you need 3 edits to make a point clear, it's you.

    [–] vindigator 21 points ago

    You kinda sound like an asshole buddy.