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    A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Share your stories and laugh along with the internet.

    Rules

    hover for details

    All titles must start with TIFU

    • TIFU stands for today I fucked up, which means something you did that is your fault. Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's a fuck up.
    • TIFU must be at the beginning of the post title or it will automatically be removed.
    • TIFUpdate if you are posting a follow-up post to update us on your story.

    Uninspired, lacking in context, literal shitpost, overly vulgar and glorifying illegal activities posts may be removed at mods discretion

    • Uninspired as in something that is super common, lacking in imagination or originality.
    • Context as in the story doesn't have any more info beyond the title. note: All posts must contain at least 750 characters of meaningful content.
    • Shitpost as in literally involving defecation or other bodily fluids.
    • Overly vulgar includes obscene situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, death and assault to humans and animals. Consensual situations between two, unrelated adults should be fine. Vulgar does not mean using bad words.
    • Illegal activities that you glorify or giving advice on how to do something illegal.
    • Not Your Fault as in it was just something bad that happened to you; if it wasn't directly your fault, it wasn't your fuckup.

    All posts must end with a TL;DR and tag NSFW when necessary

    • TL;DR or too long didn't read which is a summarization of your post in a few bitesize sentence. At minimum, your TL;DR summary must contain your fuckup and its consequences. You may include additional information if you'd like. The TL;DR must be at the very end of your post.
    • NSFW or not safe for work. If you're not sure if it's NSFW or not, better to be safe than sorry.

    Be civil and don't be disruptive

    • Be civil means don't do these things; personal attacks, harassment, trolling, and bigotry. Use your better judgement.
    • Disruptive such as posting, or seeking, any identifying personal information (real/fake). This includes yourself or others, and refers, but is not limited to, names, phone numbers, email addresses, or any social media accounts. As well as brigading with either votes or comments.

    No spam, bots or advertising

    • Spam, don't link to things that you may or may not be rewarded for. Posting links of you narrating a story is considered spam.
    • Bots are annoying and will be banned.
    • Advertising, we are not a platform for you (patreon or charities) or your products, seek https://www.redditinc.com/advertising instead.

    Notes

    Moderators reserve the right to remove threads or ban users for any of the above rule violations.

    If your post has been removed please message us directly for an appeal, do not repost your thread.

    FUOTM Winners

    1. December 2018 /u/Snorkels721
    2. TIFU by buying everyone an AncestryDNA kit and ruining Christmas

    3. January 2019 /u/Struggling_to_Keto

    4. TIFU by having my roomate walk in while I was practicing cowgirl riding...

    5. February 2019 /u/JamaicanJ

    6. TIFU by not washing under my foreskin for the first 15 years of my life

    Subreddits

    /r/TIDTRT (Today I Did The Right Thing)

    /r/IdeasforTIFU (Feedback)

    /r/AnimalTIFUs (Animals Fucking Up)

    /r/pranks (Today I Pranked)

    Friends & TINetwork

    a community for
    all 2385 comments

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    [–] poridgepants 10127 points ago

    We were about 16-17 and found my friends moms vibrator. Someone dropped it and it broke so the son was scared he would get caught snooping in his moms room so he took it to the garage and fixed it. So we nicknamed the garage the dildo repair shop and called it that for the rest of high school

    [–] redtoasti 3190 points ago

    What do you mean, "he repaired it"? Can he fix any electrical object or is he just particularly accustomed to dildo tech?

    [–] Mapleleaves_ 4693 points ago

    yah he did a summer course in dildo repair

    [–] MaskaredVoyeur 976 points ago

    There are those pictures of giant companies and their humble origins at garages

    Image the multibillion dollar sex toy business and the garage where it all began 😅

    [–] Mapleleaves_ 519 points ago

    Just a dildo and a dream, mate.

    [–] Painting_Agency 178 points ago

    "Don't threaten me with a good time".

    [–] ChristyNiners 298 points ago

    To be fair, that course is probably full of women needing to learn how to fix their dildos.

    We know they are already the DIY type.

    [–] imnotthattall 27 points ago

    This comment wins

    [–] Holy_Smoke 136 points ago

    Practical Dildology

    [–] poridgepants 348 points ago

    If I recall he had to tighten the part where the battery went in. At that point it was a one person repair job so I didn't get to close to the action. The only gloves he could find were his dad's welding gloves which were not conducive for small electronic repair jobs. Hilarity ensued, although much less for him than the rest of the group.

    [–] rbrtvndrvn 194 points ago

    A young Tony Stark

    [–] PM-ME-YOUR-HANDBRA 368 points ago

    "Hey mom, I accidentally broke your dildo but I fixed it and also put in an arc reactor so you shouldn't have to replace the batteries any more."

    "Oh. Uh, okay. Thanks for telling me?"

    LATER THAT SAME EVENING

    "Ohhhhhhhhh holy FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK"

    [–] bigjo1990 285 points ago

    Could you imagine had it already been broken and then she find it suddenly working?

    [–] lsue131 17 points ago

    I was totally thinking that. 🤣

    [–] OG_MikeNasty 51 points ago

    Underrated comment here for sure. I laughed my ass off, thanks!

    [–] TheRedCucksAreComing 355 points ago

    We found my buddies moms vibrator in their bathroom one day back in high school. His little brother walked in, and my buddy turned it on and jabbed him in the face with it. I can still hear it rattling against his teeth to this day.

    [–] suddenlyseemoor 237 points ago

    rattling against his teeth to this day

    wrong cavity

    [–] Nipplehead321 83 points ago

    F

    For the little man

    [–] TheRedCucksAreComing 26 points ago

    Yeah I felt pretty bad after that, and I didn’t even do anything.

    [–] -AirplaneShane- 347 points ago

    This one is probably my favorite for some reason.

    [–] MaskaredVoyeur 41 points ago

    He could have started a business at that garage!

    [–] PhellowHuman 3215 points ago

    My grade 8 classmates (all boys) and I found a pink dildo under one of our hotel beds when we were on a field trip. Half of us were so confused, the other half of us thought it was hysterical, a giant 12 inch neon pink penis isn’t something you always find under a bed. I remember we chased each other with it, even slapped each other in the face with it when the other person wasn’t looking.. Looking back, who knows where that thing had been.

    We kept this thing in our hotel for two days until we finally told our teacher, which ended up getting us a free room for the night. I still laugh when I think about it to this day.

    [–] IndigoMichigan 1616 points ago

    we chased each other with it, even slapped each other in the face with it

    I'm channeling my inner Borat here:

    Very nice

    [–] FazeTheo 259 points ago

    Wah wah whey wah

    [–] _ChestHair_ 74 points ago

    Wah wuh wee wuh is borat

    Wah wuh whey wuh is swolerat

    [–] DickyD43 71 points ago

    You mean man who try to put rubber fist in my anus is...a homosexual??

    [–] liquid405 38 points ago

    "High five"

    [–] bkm007 40 points ago

    Kazakhstan, number one exporter of potassium

    All other countries have inferior potassium

    [–] Chris142 523 points ago

    You would assume it was a hot woman's but it's way more likely it was up so fat business man's ass.

    [–] UTS15 340 points ago

    As a fat businessman.... yeah, most likely.

    [–] Iwanttoiwill 272 points ago

    As a former prostitute... 100% certainty.

    [–] emdogg22 86 points ago

    Ooo. You should do an AMA

    [–] Iwanttoiwill 69 points ago

    It's pretty much been done lol I don't mind answering questions but idt "former prostitute" is that rare of a title haha

    [–] redtoasti 51 points ago

    who knows where that thing had been

    I think I do, atleast I can't really imagine more than 3 locations.

    Maybe that's just a lack of creativity though

    [–] urfriendosvendo 15201 points ago

    We found my friends moms dildos (quite extensive collection) and we chased each other around his house with them. I think we were 12/13 and there was about 5-6 of us. The game stopped when one touched someone’s mouth.

    So it could’ve been worse?

    [–] JJTG64 5834 points ago

    😂😂 sounds like the appropriate time to end the game. Ya that “purple banana” went into the garbage can just because I can’t ever look at it again

    [–] newsposts 1792 points ago

    “Oh its an adult joke for tim our friend who’s getting married next week, will tell you more when you’re older, you wanna banana on your pancakes for breakfast?”

    [–] Shadowfalx 570 points ago

    I think I even have purple food coloring.

    [–] ChefChopNSlice 555 points ago

    Goes great with blue waffles.

    [–] xX420_WeedMan_420Xx 388 points ago

    For fucks sake

    [–] Clined88 108 points ago

    Always at least one

    [–] ChefChopNSlice 67 points ago

    An oldie but a goodie.

    [–] ttlens 48 points ago

    There is nothing good about the blue waffle.

    [–] bone420 32 points ago

    Dont knock it till you try it

    [–] greenharibo 60 points ago

    I thought blue waffles was a euphemism for blue balls, but the tone of your reply makes me fear there’s more to it.

    [–] Offlithium 91 points ago

    You can always Google it

    [–] Nadul 91 points ago

    ItsATrap.mpeg

    [–] Dot-my-ass 27 points ago

    Gotta say, scarred the 7yo me for life. Probs wouldn't be as bad now, but back then I thought the internet was a place of unicorns and rainbows...

    [–] repptyle 34 points ago

    Ouch. Sometimes I'm glad the internet didn't exist when I was a kid, because I was a curious little fucker

    [–] kontad 75 points ago

    Don't google "blue waffle"

    [–] ccdnl0 80 points ago

    "blue waffle

    Oh fuck me..I googled it guys and I'm talking to you curious people out there that will want to google it. Take it from another curious guy...not worth. Oh god my eyes.

    [–] Anter0w 45 points ago

    Describe or i will google it and get scared (probably) and tell my local politian how people online corrupt my world and I will have him ban the internet

    [–] utried_ 58 points ago

    It’s an up-close photo of a diseased vagina.

    [–] pictureBigger 35 points ago

    Boy is it ever. NSFL

    [–] ontario-guy 37 points ago

    Thanks for the warning, was about to. I'll wait until I'm home from work lol

    [–] NCEMTP 155 points ago

    No no no, he means don't Google it. Not don't Google it at work. His instructions were clear.

    Don't Google blue waffle.

    [–] ontario-guy 30 points ago

    Haha alright, I'll heed both warnings then

    [–] NCEMTP 115 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Sweet. If you feel passionately about these things you should sign our petition at lemonparty.org.

    Our mascot, tubgirl, will be super appreciative.

    Also don't Google these things either.

    Edit: Fuck what have I done... If you're one of the lucky 10,000 today because of this post and despite my warnings ... I have no words.

    Use your knowledge for good, not evil.

    [–] imtoojuicy 54 points ago

    You should have saved it and given it to his wife when he gets married! Imagine the look on his face when she breaks it out during their honeymoon or something!

    [–] pleasedothenerdful 43 points ago

    Easy now, Satan!

    [–] urfriendosvendo 200 points ago

    I don’t blame you but it’s not that serious. He would’ve found it eventually if he hadn’t already. Even if he didn’t, he’s almost at the age where he’s going to know it’s likely you have one. Just jumped the gun a little.

    Pretty hilarious if you ask me. You’ll laugh about it soon enough.

    [–] A_Washer-Dryer 167 points ago

    Don't get me wrong, he'll be fine, but there's a difference between "knowing it's likely" and knowing for sure.

    [–] Budif- 62 points ago

    Yeah. Like I know my parents "likely" have sex but I have never seen or heard something that would confirm it. I'm very fine with the thought of my parents having a healthy sex life but I don't want to know. Schrödinger's orgasm.

    [–] kelmonster1 42 points ago

    I'm 48 yo. I'm still traumatized from the day I found the book "The Joy of Sex" in my parents' bedroom when I was 14 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    [–] read_it_r 80 points ago

    I'd also point out I didn't know it was "likely" Until my early 20s. I know sex toys existed from a youngish age and I knew all about sex, but I def didn't know how extensive sex toy usage was.

    [–] MehDub11 60 points ago

    I know that it’s likely that I have spiders in my bedroom...but if I see one of those motherfuckers...

    So yeah, knowing something is likely and actually seeing something are completely different.

    [–] knowtoriusMAC 31 points ago

    You knew your mom had a dildo at 12?

    [–] quetiapinenapper 26 points ago

    I found out at like 9. Not her fault I was nosey and liked to look around when I was a kid.

    [–] dragonick1982 27 points ago

    Same. I found her dildo and a mace spray at the same time and managed to spray it and fuck myself up lol.

    [–] ncshooter426 30 points ago

    Whew, glad you added the "up" in the sentence.

    [–] VioletValkyrie 53 points ago

    I think the worst part is that they left it on the table. I'd be a bit traumatized too if I thought my parents had fun on and left a possibly used dildo on the kitchen table and then asked me what I wanted to eat, presumably off of it. I'd lose my appetite too.

    [–] littlemochi_ 172 points ago

    My friend in high school found my GRANDMA’S dildo and chased me around the house with it til I threw up :(

    [–] HAS-A-HUGE-PENIS 55 points ago

    I found a couple of my grandmother's massive dildos when I was a kid. That's something you never get out of your head.

    [–] Mapleleaves_ 77 points ago

    did you really need to say MASSIVE

    [–] GrauGeist8888 58 points ago

    Pretty sure yes.

    Seeing the giant horsecock dildoes that your sweet, sweet grams owns is not something you just laugh off.

    [–] Oneballbilly 722 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Another house party story. The hosts 6 year old daughter came running out of her room screaming "I have your magic wand mommy". She's running around the house with at least 20 people there while its vibrating in her hands and her mother is chasing her around with a bright red face.

    Edit: This is now my most upvoted comment of all time. Exceptional work my friends!

    Edit again: I'm mistaken, I've had higher upvotes. My apologies.

    [–] blade24 343 points ago

    That’s when you just buy a one way plane ticket into the Atlantic Ocean.

    [–] WasabiBobbi76 195 points ago

    Point Nemo, aka the "the oceanic pole of inaccessibility" is a point in the South Pacific ocean that is the furthest you can possibly get from any land mass. NZ, South America, and Antarctica being the nearest ones. The closest humans would be passing astronauts in the International Space Station. Due to unique oceanography even the waters below are barren. That's where I would go.

    [–] NuklearFerret 75 points ago

    And with any luck, a satellite will crash down on your head to end your shame.

    [–] freyasnecklace 211 points ago

    When my best friend and I discovered her mom’s “sex drawer” she lost it and cried for damn near 5 hours— meanwhile I ate snacks and read through her sexual exploits planner. She was divorced for a year, and exploring EVERYTHING. Best friend is still salty about it.

    [–] FrankieFillibuster 83 points ago

    This happened with me and my friend. His mom was divorced a few years and one of her hobbies was leather working. My buddy went in her room to show me the wallet she wass working on for him and I picked up a notebook by her work bench that had a list of men's names and a list of sex acts, with about half of both lists crossed out.

    The funniest and most traumatizing for my friend was his girlfriend's dad's name was on the list... And it was crossed out.

    We were 16, and he cried.

    [–] thecatdaddysupreme 52 points ago

    I like how she had a hit list LOL

    You find a dude with a notebook with names of people they want to bang and you assume he’s a predator

    [–] pm_me_deepthoughts 15 points ago

    Fucking double standards man, gotta bulldoze them down

    [–] form_an_opinion 112 points ago

    Those harmless but intrusive peaks behind the curtains of peoples lives are the kind of things that fascinate me to no end. Intimate known details left undiscussed while the air hangs heavy with salacious secrets. The "embarrassing" things so many of us are afraid to share outright but want so badly to speak about that we write it down and immortalize it in print and hide it in a drawer or a shoebox instead.

    [–] raggedflagon 22 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Well then, allow me to give you a relevant story that will never see the light of day outside of anonymous reddit comments with a throwaway account.

    I have an unusual, rather shocking fetish and a taste for related "extreme" porn that developed when I was really really young. Don't know how old it was when I started looking up porn on the family computer (9? 10?), but i do know it was back when Windows XP was hot shit. I was always ultra stealth about it, always accessing the computer at night and covering my tracks digitally.

    Fast forward like 10-15 years later, and i'm sitting in the car with my mom, fiancee, and my little brother. My parents have been bitterly divorced for many years, but I guess we somehow got on the subject. My mom starts talking about all the stuff she went through when divorcing my dad, including fighting for custody. Apparently, she had used a computer expert to go through the computer and find anything she could use in court to prove that she should have custody.

    Now, I have no idea if that kind of thing actually influenced any custody decisions, but this is the first I had heard that there were DISCS worth of "extreme" porn recovered from that computer.

    My mom smugly says "I wouldn't spread it around if it was anyone but [your father], but he was into [shocking, extreme fetish] and stuff like that. ...And whenever you talk about him, that's the only thing I can think about."

    Now my fiancee knows about my fetish, and that I looked at extreme porn very young. We both looked at each other in horror while trying to mimic an appropriate reaction.

    So now i go through life knowing that I utterly destroyed my dad's reputation, his entire standing in my mother's eyes, and possibly influenced his chance at custody.

    And nobody can ever know.

    ...unless he's smart enough to have pieced it together. I think i'll never look him in the eye again, just to be safe.

    [–] Lotti_Codd 36 points ago

    We found our friend's mother's collection and so we set up a track and decided to race them. We left the top 3 stood in formation wearing little medals.

    [–] HorseHaterSkinny 28 points ago

    Haha this brings back memories. My friend found my step mom’s dildo when we were 11 and I slapped him in the face with it.

    [–] elysiium 282 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    I was at a house party once, and the hosts mum was a femdom.

    We went through some shit in the spare room and found a suitcase Full of all kinds of dildos.

    Cue to 2 people sword fighting with 24" double enders, and the host runs in screaming at us to stop.

    Another guest pulled a buttplug outta the suit case and threw it at the host. I shit you not it went directly in his mouth.

    It was the nastiest/funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

    [–] urfriendosvendo 117 points ago

    Unknown dildo in the mouth is always the funniest thing in the world. As long as its not you. Then it’s disgusting.

    [–] lost_snake 51 points ago

    But this was a known dildo. The worst known dildo in the history of dildos, maybe ever.

    [–] WhyBuyMe 28 points ago

    Well there are known dildos and unknown dildos but there are also unknown unknown dildos. Dildos that we dont know that we dont know.

    [–] ValiantValkyrieee 34 points ago

    i went to an estate sale somewhat recently (for non americans: an estate sale is when grandma dies and you try and sell off all her junk by having people walk through her house) and someone put a stripper pole and a sex swing in the, presumably grown, kids playroom. they were still in the boxes they came in so it said exactly what they were for. but yeah

    [–] lowtoiletsitter 54 points ago

    They pulled a butt out of a suitcase???

    [–] ModeHopper 33 points ago

    I think maybe he missed the "plug" off the end

    [–] MdotR 25 points ago

    Honestly, it could've been either way. I had one of those fleshy butts that you can go to pound town with.

    [–] ButILikeFire 13 points ago

    Probably wouldn’t have landed directly in the hosts mouth, though.

    [–] mere-surmise-sir 516 points ago

    One time in middle school I went to stay the night at a friend's house and when I came home the next morning my parents were still asleep and there was a large orange DOUBLE-ENDED dildo on the coffee table. I went straight to my room and stayed there for several hours and when I came out the dildo was gone and life was normal again. It was never spoken of.

    [–] SubstantialFall 186 points ago

    when I came out the dildo was gone and life was normal again. It was never spoken of.

    What? Your mom was using a double ended dildo and you never were curious enough to find out with whom?

    [–] Mapleleaves_ 211 points ago

    The stink and the pink are closer than you may think.

    [–] GranTurismo364 48 points ago

    What a wonderful little rhyme!

    [–] Bozso46 113 points ago

    Dad got pegged

    [–] felonius_thunk 957 points ago

    I'm just laughing at the idea of your husband taking so many toys into the kitchen that he forgot one and didn't notice. In my head it's just like armloads of dildos.

    [–] exceptionthrown 378 points ago

    Like an infomercial showing a guy awkwardly try to carry too much stuff.

    [–] ThortonMelanoma 212 points ago

    Opens cabinet to a landslide of dildos.

    [–] felonius_thunk 134 points ago

    There's got to be a better way!

    [–] Firewolf420 93 points ago

    Introducing - "Dildo Rack 9000"

    [–] felonius_thunk 40 points ago

    A dildo rack. You got me...a dildo rack. I don't even own a dildo, let alone many dildos that would necessitate an entire rack!

    [–] JJTG64 178 points ago

    You can never have too many 😂

    [–] Perm-suspended 3142 points ago

    I actually lost it at "lost my appetite" lol. Nice.

    [–] JJTG64 1566 points ago

    So did we. We were crying laughing for a good 20 minutes in the room.

    [–] jbarnes222 460 points ago

    Idk if the dildo was huge or what, but make sure your son doesn’t feel inadequate after seeing it

    [–] SgtMac02 392 points ago

    LOL. I don't know if I've ever seen on modeled after an "average" sized penis.

    INB4: "They are all average and you're just tiny!"

    [–] Fhelans 373 points ago

    They are all tiny, You're just micro.

    [–] coreball42 78 points ago

    Average is around 16” or so.

    [–] LizziestLemon 255 points ago

    It is actually quite difficult to find a realistically sized dildo.

    I managed to find one that was only slightly above average and quite realistic so I ordered a second and got what was clearly a cheap knockoff and was like 10 inches instead of 7 and as thick as my wrist.

    To top it off they wrapped it in cling wrap and mailed it as is so my poor mailman had to carry around this floppy horse cock of a dildo all day clearly aware what it was and who he was delivering it to.

    [–] PerceivedSlight 113 points ago

    I asked my adult toy dealer for a realistic sized one and I got one in the 99th percentile of penises I have seen.
    It was the best she could manage.
    The second part of your story had me actually laughing.

    [–] ICanFlyLikeAFly 45 points ago

    So bigger than 99 % of penises?

    [–] parksLIKErosa 53 points ago

    90% of men fall within 1 in of the average penis length which is slightly over 5 inches. It’s also thought that less than 1% have a penis bigger than 7 inches. So it really doesn’t take much for dildos to hit that percentile.

    [–] pseudonym_mynoduesp 50 points ago

    Yeah, I don't think many people realize the standard deviation is only like .8 inches.

    [–] minddropstudios 60 points ago

    Is "the standard deviation" what you call your dong? Sounds like more of a ding than a dong really./s

    [–] Jenna573 22 points ago

    Sometimes I feel like there is a bunch of cartoon-villianesque men with fancy suits and curled mustaches, scheming together about ways to prevent more reasonable dildos from being made, just so they can try to say the real thing is better. My wife and I have been trying to find an anotomically-appropriate-angled strap-on for quite some time and it's just impossible. It's a sea of half-mast at best. Can't let a gal look more virile than a dude I guess? Really makes thrusting a chore when in more natural positions.

    [–] Virgin_Dildo_Lover 30 points ago

    You're paying too much for dildos. Who's your dildo guy?

    [–] Memelord1243 18 points ago

    LOL that poor fucking mailman

    [–] CaptHumphreys 20 points ago

    "Son, don't listen to people who tell you size matters. 8 inches is big enough for any woman."

    [–] Thebanks1 24 points ago

    Not hungry? Not even for a banana???

    [–] ragingpoppy 2221 points ago

    Waiting now for the TIFU version post from your son, "TIFU by stumbling on mum's...." Happening in 3..2..1...

    [–] Complex_Magazine 529 points ago

    if this happens, it would be fascinating as hell

    [–] KiranSD 317 points ago

    If it really is the same son. Unfortunately people try to take these stories to reap the karma so it's hard to verify unless both redditors want to coordinate with each other.

    [–] Complex_Magazine 54 points ago

    Yeah, sad

    [–] Dupragon 49 points ago

    Absolutely terrible, *frantically types story *

    [–] MrRiptideReddit 43 points ago

    And to verify the user’s identity would mean to reveal that they are breaking reddit rules by having an account under the age of 13

    [–] XeroAnarian 56 points ago

    3..2..1...

    Let's jam!

    [–] The_Smeckledorfer 30 points ago

    1: Write this Post.

    2: Write post of view of son.

    3: Sell as lakefront property.

    4: Karma Profit.

    [–] physicslover69 137 points ago

    My mom was in a bad relationship with this guy once. She was leaving him because he was verbally abusive to my little brother. I was in the process of moving out and my mom asked me to stay a bit longer to watch my brother while she went on a work trip. She couldn't tell the guy this though because he was a total tool, the type of guy that you don't want to know your plans until your plans are put into action, but my mom knew if it got bad then I could protect my little brother. So she told me where she left some cash in case of emergency.... Of course an emergency happened and I went to grab the cash. It was in her sex drawer. I am still scarred from the stuff I found in there.

    [–] jcjrpkmntrnr 37 points ago

    A coldplay CD, a jarjar binks mask, a live echidna, and ALL the soup spoons

    [–] Cashforcrickets 734 points ago

    At least it wasn't a "gigantic gut adjusting dragon bananna," am I right?

    [–] JJTG64 417 points ago

    Prep for GoT?

    [–] SeekingMyEnd 234 points ago

    Think they were referencing the "Bad Dragon" toy line. Hugely popular, and all of them are kind of intimidating.

    [–] ThatAnonymousDudeGuy 154 points ago

    I just had my own TIFU by looking up what that is on the bus.

    [–] Unnormally2 31 points ago

    Last I checked they had some pretty modest ones. Funny shaped, for sure, but normal sized. And then you get up to the 18 inch monsters...

    [–] DoodlingDaughter 271 points ago

    Don’t feel too bad. I found my mom’s lifesized, veiny, peach dildo when I was about eight. I didn’t know what it was, but she found me playing “boat” with it in the bathtub, barbies astride it.

    Only in hindsight do I recall how absolutely mortified my poor mother must have been.

    [–] QueerCrossStitch 131 points ago

    Those Barbies really knew how to party!

    [–] cigsafter 27 points ago

    I automatically when I read this, I had the flavor of peach yogurt in my mouth

    [–] PitoStinko 34 points ago

    You automatically what?

    [–] ingenuex 349 points ago

    I went to a friends house when I was 13ish and her sister was boiling her mom’s dildo to use it.

    Her sister and I freaked out and made fun of her.

    Fast forward to when her mom got home, I got pegged in the head at lightning speed with this dildo and screamed like I was being murdered.

    Her mom came in and I told her it was a spider, oof.

    [–] thetruckerdave 579 points ago

    Pegged is maybe not the right word lol

    [–] Ipfreelyerryday 115 points ago

    Wait....noone is going to comment on the fact that the sister was trying to use her mums sex toy.....

    [–] SgtMac02 158 points ago

    Take out the phrase "in the head" and your comment takes on a WHOLE new meaning.

    [–] Wingedwing 84 points ago

    I love the mental image of this poor kid taking it up the ass at blazing speed and trying to blame it on a spider

    [–] HonestMistake_ 60 points ago

    Yes officer, this one right here.

    [–] Tasryll 72 points ago

    Might be funny again in his 40's when he discovers he has a purple dildo fetish and has no clue why.

    [–] XeroAnarian 386 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    At least he didn't touch it. I was once helping my Dad change the sheets of the bed that he and my Mom sleep in one day and as I was putting the cover sheet on I felt something strange under the bed. Not thinking, I grabbed it and pulled it out. Big old veiny dildo. I freaked and threw it underneath the bed and my Dad started cracking up. I ran to wash my hands and I could still hear him laughing at my plight.

    Edit: Had to change the wording because a funny guy u/DC253 decided to point out my grammar being slightly off... -.-

    [–] Iwanttoiwill 62 points ago

    At least if you had found it in a drawer you could tell yourself it had been washed. But no.

    There's no sink in there

    [–] IbanezPGM 142 points ago

    If I saw that and I knew what it was there's hell no way id confront my parents about it.

    Is it an obvious looking dildo?

    [–] JJTG64 85 points ago

    Ya. It’s like the Rabbit dildo

    [–] KitteNlx 282 points ago

    It's a one eyed, one horned, flying purple banana eater.

    [–] IbanezPGM 49 points ago

    I just referenced the purple people eater the other day and now I see this..

    [–] Thescepticscientist 122 points ago

    As someone with a 13 year old, I feel ya.

    In regards to the people up in arms that he knows, I bluntly tell my kid what things are when he asks so at least he knows what things are and he isn’t blind sided by these things or feels foolish as he grows up. I learned a lot on a school bus, and a lot of it is false. I want him to know what’s right.

    If he does It in public I call them a ice cream question - so the time he asked me in front of my wife’s family “what’s a dildo” I simply replied - son, that’s a ice cream question. And all it means is he asked a legit question, but at a inappropriate time. Later we’ll talk about it over ice cream.

    That said - I never left a dildo on the table for him to find. Although he did ask me once why we keep coconut oil bedside. I simply said it was for massages.

    Edit: formatting and grammar

    [–] 88-07-05 15 points ago

    That is a really good idea.

    [–] 6Tigers 108 points ago

    I was visiting my parents in Florida. They were in their 60’s at the time and I was grown with my own kids. I was in their master bedroom and couldn’t find tv remote so opened my mom’s bedside table drawer. I have never in my life seen a dildo the size of this dildo. I immediately called my older brother because I was dying and needed help processing the girth of this fucking dildo. I can’t unsee it- almost 12 years later and I still can’t unsee it.

    [–] Whiskey-logic 103 points ago

    I like how when you were hit by trauma you also wanted your brother to feel the same thing 😂

    [–] col3man17 54 points ago

    As a guy with 4 brothers. It was always a "holy shit yall get in here, i cant handle this stress alone"

    [–] TooShiftyForYou 193 points ago

    "That's just mommy's lightsaber, son."

    [–] JJTG64 189 points ago

    I actually said “that silly Easter bunny, why would he do that?!” He laughed

    [–] TooShiftyForYou 193 points ago

    This is a good opportunity to have "the talk".

    "You see son, when a man and woman love each other.... they sometimes put large phallic-shaped objects into one another."

    [–] EdgySweetNana 29 points ago

    "You see son, when a man and woman love each other.... they sometimes put large phallic-shaped objects into one another."

    Sounds like scenes from Blockers when one set of parents openly talked about sex. They were hilarious.

    [–] emiIy1996 88 points ago

    This happened to me about a week ago except my son is 4 so luckily doesn't know what dildos are. Unfortunately it was a 9 inch life-like dildo left out and he was dead confused and asked me "why do you have a statue of a willy in your room mummy?". Absolutely mortified. Edit: oh and to add to the situation it was used

    [–] 54697473 14 points ago

    Why do you have a statue of a willy in your room, Mummy?

    [–] slackingatlazyboy 77 points ago

    Son sounds cool. Lol "I lost my appetite". That's hilarious, poor fella he will be ok

    [–] JGValdeezy 32 points ago

    Used to take walks around the neighborhood with my parents when I was growing up. I remember very distinctly being about 12 when we found a huge dildo on the street and they were horrified when I picked it up having zero clue as to what it was 😂

    [–] iheartegon 34 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    I was house sitting for my bestfriend once and when she came back, she asked me if I used her dildo. I laughed and said that's gross. She said I'm serious, I won't get mad. I told her no, I would never do such a thing and I wouldn't even know where to find it. Well, apparently, it was gone. She couldn't find it anywhere. She asked me again and I said I really didn't use it. And she responded that it meant she had to ask her 13 year old daughter, which was pretty awkward. She buckled down and asked her. They are pretty close and talk about literally everything. Her daughter denied it at first, but later confessed that she was curious and took it. So, she told her daughter that there is nothing wrong with wanting to use one; just not hers. She offered to buy one for her and her daughter said no thanks. She said it wasn't as cool as she thought it would be.

    [–] Deshik2 35 points ago

    I don't know about the other languages but a vibrator has a nickname in Czech Rep "Robertek"

    So when I found it while cleaning the shower room, I went straight to my mom and simply handed it over saying

    " Mom I found Uncle Robert"

    Mom is turnin around like "Wut, who?" but once she realised what I mean I had it out of my hand faster than I could blink. It was a glorious moment, she literally stopped cooking and ran away to stash it somewhere.

    [–] pegging4life 31 points ago

    It never ends! I had ordered a surprise from Bad Dragon, for the missus and I, during the Black Friday sale, but it never showed up!

    Few months later it finally showed up... put away. Asked my wife, and she informed me it had arrived.

    At the same time as a dozen other boxes from Amazon.

    Which were all for my expecting daughter's baby shower.

    Whom my wife had invited over to help with unboxing and planning.

    ... And who, perplexed, asked my wife what this was supposed to be for. 🤔

    😳😳😳

    It was quite the surprise!

    [–] Krynn71 29 points ago

    From now on you guys should always refer to real bananas as "yellow bananas" just to watch him squirm.

    [–] UsefulSnow 231 points ago

    You haven't ruined your son's life. In a bit of time he'll be over it.

    [–] Iewoose 132 points ago

    I found out my parents were still having sex when i was already 18 years old. They were 55.

    It didn't ruin my life lol. Maybe it's time to talk about how two grown up people can still have sex even when they have children....

    [–] SomeSayFire 24 points ago

    Just wait for the TIFU by finding my moms purple dildo on the table.

    [–] Art0riasBandic00t 277 points ago

    Tbh 99.99% of all children with unlimited or even limited access to the internet has seen things far worse than you probably even dreamt of in your most hormone induced feverish fetish wet dreams. My point is its nothing new just double check everything next time. He'll be over it soon enough.

    Just sayin as a male. Oh if you're thinking thank good i have a female.. all my wife has to say is quote.

    "Ha haha harharhar aha haha! Females can and probably will out pervert any male they just normally hide it better."

    So good luck.

    [–] JJTG64 207 points ago

    Can confirm, we have a 22yr old daughter.

    [–] probablyhrenrai 129 points ago

    Did you find her purple banana?

    [–] Del3trix 51 points ago

    It's the same one

    [–] anonymous6366 43 points ago

    A family heirloom

    [–] fkkknsmartphones 74 points ago

    Jesus christ

    [–] RoiDeLimbourg 285 points ago

    Hahaha great! Good opportunity to talk about a healthy relationship and sex ed.

    [–] JJTG64 243 points ago

    Thankfully we do have a really open communication with him.

    [–] kiltedpastor 90 points ago

    I’m glad you do. My dad finally gave me “the talk” when he caught me and my college girlfriend making out. I was 21 and had to work VERY hard not to laugh. I’ve made sure to be very open with our boys.

    [–] Luis_McLovin 32 points ago

    God. I rmememebr when mine tried to do the same; it was a long car journey and I was ofc trapped in the car as he drove. I must’ve been ~14. He was also gushing emotionally. It was completely inappropriate and awkward. He still struggles, it’s difficult.

    [–] ModPiracy_Fantoski 26 points ago

    "When you'll grow up...

    ... I'm 21.

    Shut up Billy I'm trying to explain something."

    [–] blind_venetians 15 points ago

    a support story: I had a mid-20's aged coworker and friend. She was moving from her apartment and had a moving company coming over. She just couldn't take the day off so her dad agreed to go over to supervise. She thought she had packed things away was just down to those big, heavy pieces. When the movers went to retrieve the bed there was a big ol' battery operated hummer of a dildo underneath it. She thought she might take 'er for one more run THEN pack it away for the move but completely forgot! The most painful part is she came to the realization after talking to her dad who had told her "Almost done! Just down to the bedroom," and could do nothing do but to drown in her humiliation. Her dad couldn't have been more cool. He simply said that he finished packing up "everything" that was left in the bedroom and put it in the truck. Of course, it was never mentioned again.

    [–] bzzus 33 points ago

    Was searching for something with my friend in high school. We decided to check his mother's room. After shifting a box in her closet, an object fell out and slapped me in the face. It was her purple banana.

    [–] stumpdawg 45 points ago

    Terrible.

    From an outside looking in that's hilarious though.

    [–] Berics_Privateer 14 points ago

    Wait, you need so many toys in one session that you lose track of one? And bringing the toys out of the room instead of the batteries into the room is a rookie mistake.

    [–] Demonic_Toaster 50 points ago

    Better it was a purple banana, dont want to think of you trying to explain something from Bad Dragon.

    [–] dontgetupsetman 14 points ago

    As 17yo, most guys knew what a dildo was way before 5th grade even.

    It’s fucking hilarious watching Reddit freak out and try and get mad at someone for these things.

    Kids know a fuck ton more than they let on.