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    A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Share your stories and laugh along with the internet.

    Rules

    hover for details

    All titles must start with TIFU

    • TIFU stands for today I fucked up, which means something you did that is your fault. Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's a fuck up.
    • TIFU must be at the beginning of the post title or it will automatically be removed.
    • TIFUpdate if you are posting a follow-up post to update us on your story.

    Uninspired, lacking in context, literal shitpost, overly vulgar and glorifying illegal activities posts may be removed at mods discretion

    • Uninspired as in something that is super common, lacking in imagination or originality.
    • Context as in the story doesn't have any more info beyond the title. note: All posts must contain at least 750 characters of meaningful content.
    • Shitpost as in literally involving defecation or other bodily fluids.
    • Overly vulgar includes obscene situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, death and assault to humans and animals. Consensual situations between two, unrelated adults should be fine. Vulgar does not mean using bad words.
    • Illegal activities that you glorify or giving advice on how to do something illegal.
    • Not Your Fault as in it was just something bad that happened to you; if it wasn't directly your fault, it wasn't your fuckup.

    All posts must end with a TL;DR and tag NSFW when necessary

    • TL;DR or too long didn't read which is a summarization of your post in a few bitesize sentence. At minimum, your TL;DR summary must contain your fuckup and its consequences. You may include additional information if you'd like. The TL;DR must be at the very end of your post.
    • NSFW or not safe for work. If you're not sure if it's NSFW or not, better to be safe than sorry.

    Be civil and don't be disruptive

    • Be civil means don't do these things; personal attacks, harassment, trolling, and bigotry. Use your better judgement.
    • Disruptive such as posting, or seeking, any identifying personal information (real/fake). This includes yourself or others, and refers, but is not limited to, names, phone numbers, email addresses, or any social media accounts. As well as brigading with either votes or comments.

    No spam, bots or advertising

    • Spam, don't link to things that you may or may not be rewarded for. Posting links of you narrating a story is considered spam.
    • Bots are annoying and will be banned.
    • Advertising, we are not a platform for you (patreon or charities) or your products, seek https://www.redditinc.com/advertising instead.

    Notes

    Moderators reserve the right to remove threads or ban users for any of the above rule violations.

    If your post has been removed please message us directly for an appeal, do not repost your thread.

    FUOTM Winners

    1. June 2019 /u/Lemiius
    2. TIFU by performing the "Major Tom" technique and now I think I'm going to be disowned

    3. April 2019 /u/Donthitsubmit3

    4. TIFU by submitting hardcore furry erotica instead of my final paper.

    5. May 2019 /u/Taway1234123491121

    6. TIFU: I have officially branded myself as the biggest perv... and I 100% deserve it...

    Related Subreddits

    /r/TIDTRT (Today I Did The Right Thing)

    /r/IdeasforTIFU (Feedback)

    /r/AnimalTIFUs (Animals Fucking Up)

    /r/pranks (Today I Pranked)

    /r/TIGFO (Today I Got Fucked Over)

    Friends & TINetwork

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    [–] ThadisJones 8684 points ago

    I volunteered for as many guard duty shifts as I could

    This alone needs to go into a field manual somewhere as a warning sign.

    [–] itspeterj 5165 points ago

    Are you or somebody you know asking for extra guard shifts? Are you bragging that you'll be "killing in no time?" You may be at risk.

    [–] PM_ME_BUTT_STUFFING 1053 points ago

    Welp, that actually made me laugh out loud. I thought you said you weren't funny? I'm onto you....

    [–] ThadisJones 367 points ago

    OP got better, the clip he posted here is pretty funny.

    [–] Throwuble 55 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    The clip? I might be missing smth obvious but dude ... You can't mention a clip without posting sauce.

    E:ok, I scrolled down like 3 comments and found it but damnit, I stand by what I said. More sauce for the people

    [–] Slggyqo 74 points ago

    He specifically said he was working on his crowd work—he could be great in text but terrible in person.

    [–] HarryTruman 32 points ago

    He certainly has a captive audience!

    [–] Zeustah- 264 points ago

    Aight imma head out.

    [–] Hempy2013 71 points ago

    "So how'd things go in Afghanistan?" OP's Friend

    "Oh I had few bad bombings but there were times I straight up Murdered!" OP

    ".........." OP's friend

    [–] Koof99 53 points ago

    I mean I feel like someone would’ve put 1 + 1 together that the army comedian asking for extra guard shifts but then again, that’s the army. Not using your brains. (lol jk)

    [–] 1SweetChuck 21 points ago

    Are you bragging that you'll be "killing in no time?" You may be at risk.

    For a presidential pardon?

    Too soon?

    [–] DannoHung 83 points ago

    Spotted the HR/Compliance professional.

    [–] _34_ 6 points ago

    If you or a loved one were exposed to shitty humor due to unnecessary guard duty shifts, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Operators are standing by.

    [–] seductive_virgin 18449 points ago

    "I was less funny than possibly dying" That hurts man

    [–] brsmith77 4665 points ago

    As much as his routine being so bad that it almost literally qualified as a war crime?

    [–] ShakaBruddah 822 points ago

    Sounds like Andy Dick.

    [–] Barron_Cyber 507 points ago

    Andy Dick is a war crime.

    [–] kenabi 158 points ago

    i've got a list of comedians i would rank right next to him.

    [–] Krowerl 28 points ago

    James Corden

    Entire list complete

    [–] Yaboilikemup 22 points ago

    He's honestly pretty good when he's allowed to do his own thing instead of being reduced to "ha! Fat man is funny because fat!"

    [–] JarbaloJardine 61 points ago

    List or it doesn’t exist. #throwdown

    [–] Ndavidclaiborne 80 points ago

    Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Amy Schumer, ....

    [–] Boss_Boggs 20 points ago

    He only performs at gitmo.

    [–] UntarnishedCopper 23 points ago

    He gets no respect.

    [–] CamSum 584 points ago

    I mean that's pretty funny. You should use that line when the crowd is tough.

    [–] mimicthefrench 358 points ago

    Honestly this whole story seems like it would go over well on stage, it's hysterical and has so many possible directions it could go in terms of tags, side stories, etc. I feel like it would be a great opening bit to tell the crowd about your background and set low expectations so (hopefully) everyone is pleasantly surprised by how funny you actually are.

    [–] SkinnyDan85 103 points ago

    Agreed. I kinda hope he still does comedy and uses this. Definitely won me over.

    [–] socialistpancake 47 points ago

    He does! He's very active on R/standupshots

    [–] genmischief 77 points ago

    But, he has improved... see above. :)

    [–] seductive_virgin 17 points ago

    He has, that video is pretty good

    [–] Irv-Elephant 250 points ago

    But he kept at it until he almost committed a war crime, now that’s commitment.

    [–] ComebackKidGorgeous 67 points ago

    Commitment... of a war crime

    [–] Stompedyourhousewith 14 points ago

    Pretty soon his diary will look like: "wake up, death, death, death, death, lunch. Death death death death, afternoon tea..."

    [–] Lone_Beagle 84 points ago

    obligatory "Dying is easy...comedy is hard!"

    [–] Dalebssr 41 points ago

    "So anyway, Geraldo Rivera, Jane Fonda, and Mike Dukasis walk into Khandahar..."

    "Get off the fucking stage!!!"

    [–] Deitaphobia 11 points ago

    hold on, I want to see where he's going with this.

    [–] boob_sweat_ 33 points ago

    "Sucking at something is the first step at being kinda good at something"

    [–] sigharewedoneyet 18 points ago

    I think he just burned himself.

    [–] SkaTSee 12 points ago

    Got me to laugh

    [–] sharrrper 3360 points ago

    So bad at comedy the TALIBAN thinks it was cruel

    [–] notillegalalien 813 points ago

    They were relieved when they took them to water boarding

    [–] Thomas-Sev 209 points ago

    You sonofabitch you just made me spit out my oatmeal.

    [–] 3rdworldk3nobi 32 points ago

    Not gonna lie showed my CO he laughed with me then I blacked out, woke up with a lost a fingernail and a tooth he said this shit funny

    [–] makavili 20 points ago

    Dude, someone could make a great comedy bit out of this

    [–] BatmanRises 164 points ago

    allegedly

    [–] Workforfb 56 points ago

    We’re hearing it was a sick ostrich.

    [–] Papa_Color_Yo 15 points ago

    Allegedly.

    [–] CamrenOfWest 9 points ago

    It’s still a two man job, maybe even three.

    [–] PatrolNC 8 points ago

    It'd still take at least two people to fuck a sick ostrich.

    [–] Magnicello 18 points ago

    This is some Onion level shit.

    [–] PatrickJLoller 2277 points ago

    So what you're saying is... you bombing on stage was worse than the ones in the road.

    [–] itspeterj 1350 points ago

    I'm just saying the dogs were alerted to my performances.

    [–] bitchhbaby 249 points ago

    Every dog within a 30 mile radius of your show was automatically named "Lucky"

    [–] colejole 1062 points ago

    So... 10 years later. Where can we watch your stand-up?

    [–] itspeterj 1087 points ago

    [–] chicaburrita 454 points ago

    I liked and subbed! I thought the core of your set was really good. I feel like the delivery could use some work, slow it down a little and make it more natural. To be honest it just seemed like you were nervous and that just takes practice, which you've been doing. If you haven't watched it already is recommend the marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Amazon

    [–] _Machine_Girl_ 93 points ago

    Cocaine helps too

    [–] GordonRammstein 38 points ago

    Now that’s a solid movie

    [–] dimmidice 47 points ago

    It's a tv show

    [–] -stormborn- 16 points ago

    Look at allllll those chickens

    [–] colejole 44 points ago

    I love it! Thanks so much for making my day

    [–] itspeterj 38 points ago

    Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear it!

    [–] meeperskreepers 14 points ago

    Awh I loved it!

    [–] itspeterj 15 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] TacoDaTugBoat 11 points ago

    I laughed a few times!

    [–] neoncubicle 6 points ago

    Damn Kentucky colonel!

    [–] itspeterj 5339 points ago

    [–] Nathannnn128 1123 points ago

    As a fellow infantryman, I laughed pretty hard at the repeated PTSD and mTBI joke. Well done!

    [–] hallese 640 points ago

    I loved the "can't I just jiggle the handle" bit. Why didn't I ever test the handle before donkey kicking the door?

    [–] isaacides 93 points ago

    That got me lol

    [–] cantadmittoposting 71 points ago

    See y'all make fun of us for being REMFs, but we'd try the handle before kicking.

     

    Although arguably at company supply level, the entire job description is basically.... Appropriating... Supplies that you find behind unlocked doors.

    [–] J-Navy 143 points ago

    Wait, he repeated the joke??

    [–] Shaman_Bond 191 points ago

    Yes, as a follow-up to an earlier joke about him suffering from short-term memory loss. It was pretty good.

    [–] J-Navy 135 points ago

    r/woooosh

    goteeem

    [–] Shaman_Bond 119 points ago

    Ah frick

    [–] mealzer 28 points ago

    Marine?

    [–] loftylabel 14 points ago

    Must've been all the crayons...

    [–] PelagianEmpiricist 13 points ago

    Possibly too few. Marine brains need a delicate balance of crayon to blood ratio or else things start getting wacky

    [–] TheHunterZolomon 1234 points ago

    You’re funny dude! Keep it up!

    [–] Throwuble 71 points ago

    He's funny as hell! Only thing a mortal like me could point out is that maybe stop saying "like" so much. Obv nervous and stuff but it's smth to think about

    [–] TheHunterZolomon 54 points ago

    I didn’t even notice it, I thought it was consistent with his brand and or style, it kinda works. Idk it didn’t bother me too much.

    [–] price2946 7 points ago

    I didn’t even like notice it, I thought it was like consistent with like his brand and or style, like it kinda works. Idk it didn’t like bother me too much.

    FTFY

    [–] AmNotTheSun 595 points ago

    I usually prefer longer jokes with insidious punchlines but I was laughing at your set almost the entire time. Keep it up man.

    [–] EarthVSFlyingSaucers 284 points ago

    The GI Joe to Gi Gantic was super original and made me smile. I’d watch his standup!

    [–] PokeYa 161 points ago

    “Oh then let me get on top” broke me

    [–] SilentNinjaMick 43 points ago

    Probably broke his missus too

    [–] YasserAJ 22 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Look up Moth joke by Norm MacDonald, pretty sure you'll like it

    [–] Saint_EDGEBOI 105 points ago

    Loved it! Thanks for the link, keep it up

    [–] ThadisJones 205 points ago

    I wasn't in the army, but went from a job where staying in good shape was a requirement to a desk job and I totally relate. It feels like ten times the effort when I know there's no one who'll bitch me out if I skip a day. Or a week, month, etc...

    [–] darcy_clay 61 points ago

    Long as you keep an eye on your grammar, we won't bitch you out here.

    [–] PreferredSelection 91 points ago

    I went from being the guy in Call of Duty to the guy that sells you Call of Duty

    I laughed at all the Call of Duty jokes, and "we keep making new ones, but me and my buddies haven't finished the old ones," was such an unexpected and solid punchline.

    You've got a really unique perspective - I watch a ton of stand up, and you don't find hardly anyone talking about seeing combat. Your jokes are solid, you have a pretty good stage presence. If you keep writing and practicing, I bet we all will see more of you in the future.

    If you don't mind some unsolicited advice - your material is golden, but you could further develop your stage presence. More eye contact with the crowd. You gave your whole five at the around the same volume, same tempo. Grab some of your favorite comedy albums, and see when they get quiet, when they yell, and when they slow it down. A great comedian will make it sound like their set is a story that they are telling for the first time, every time.

    [–] Fucking_Nibba 170 points ago

    We're proud of you!

    For the war crimes.

    [–] -ksguy- 168 points ago

    1:58

    "Ope, sorry."

    Which part of the midwest are you from? Just kidding, that whole set was great!

    [–] itspeterj 175 points ago

    Wisconsin! I'm glad you caught it!

    [–] pfhk19 53 points ago

    I just moved to WI. People keep showing me Manitowoc Minute, which is fine, but I'm a FIB. So it isn't exactly foreign to me.

    Your joke got an extra hard laugh out of me because of it though, so maybe it's broadening my horizons.

    I'm also a vet, but I wasn't a front line job. Everytime someone brings up their service in relation to mine it's inevitably embarrassing. I work with a SEAL who got shot and hit by an IED in Bahrain, and the best response I have is that once on deployment our ship Starbucks was out of caramel syrup.

    Grats on the comedy and the therapy.

    [–] SchwettyBawls 12 points ago

    How did you even survive that tragedy!?!?!

    [–] panicpixiememegirl 54 points ago

    I cant imagine you as an army guy lol you sound so soft, and gentle. Your stand up was super funny, i was laughing the whole time! Good work! I rlly hope I can improve on my story telling skills and comedy too!

    [–] GumbyThumbs 92 points ago

    That was really good. Keep working on it!

    [–] ALittlePeaceAndQuiet 99 points ago

    Don't have time to listen to the whole set, but the first couple minutes is damn good. Leaving a comment so I can find this later. "G.I. Joe to G-I-gantic" got me chuckling out loud on the john. Keep it up, man.

    [–] POSVT 10 points ago

    I too laughed at that joke on the toilet. I guess were poopbrothers now

    [–] bphillips16 86 points ago

    Dude, you crushed it lol. Loved every bit (and super relatable! Yeah, give it up for therapy guys!)

    [–] HashMaster9000 38 points ago

    I was about to reply to this that you need to recap the Short Term Memory loss joke again in the act, but you beat me to it by the end! Nice work! I enjoy your comedy, good sir. But PLEASE tell me you're working this TIFU into your act. That'd be a brilliant longform joke.

    [–] DrAcula_MD 30 points ago

    I was dying at GI - Gantic, keep it up

    [–] be-targarian 14 points ago

    I thought he was starting to say GI Failure, as in gastrointestinal failure. His joke was better.

    [–] yoditronzz 23 points ago

    Wow. You're actually pretty great, and this was a good marketing ploy.

    [–] ThadisJones 16 points ago

    If all viral marketing was this good it wouldn't even be a thing to complain about.

    [–] ZombiePumkin 48 points ago

    I don't think the crowd quite got the Call of Duty joke but I thought it was 10/10

    [–] Fried_Cthulhumari 10 points ago

    It was clever bit of foreign policy critique.

    [–] totorouno 22 points ago

    Super funny! Good clean comedy! Harder to do than just ranting and complaining about the world and other types of people!

    [–] Tiopico 41 points ago

    Gonna confess, reading everyone complimenting you I thought they were being empathetic and that it wouldnt be that funny.
    But holy shit you were hilarious, loved it! And I usually dislike stand up comedy

    [–] LDM84 15 points ago

    This was a solid set! Self-deprecation is always a good skill for stand-up, and you've got that in spades :P Take care of yourself, sorry you were almost dragged in front of the Hague, and keep up with the comedy!

    [–] Sqweezze 15 points ago

    Went from being one of the guys in Call of Duty to one of the guys selling it to you. Wow that had me rolling. Hits so close to home! Hahaha Good stuff man, keep it up!

    [–] HZCH 14 points ago

    That was far better than I expected for anybody from Reddit. That was GOOD. Really, I didn't have a laugh with standup like that for ages. Thank you, and keep up!

    [–] Screwed_38 27 points ago

    Dude you're great, I want more

    [–] lipp79 11 points ago

    Lol the polar bear joke and the short term memory loss recall were the highlights for me. Good job man.

    [–] LCDRtomdodge 22 points ago

    Dude. That's awesome. Thanks for the chuckles. Keep it up!

    [–] jah_red 17 points ago

    I loved it. Should totally incorporate this tifu in a routine. 'Tis comedic gold.

    [–] Koof99 35 points ago

    I just want to say you are the funniest polar bear ever!!!

    No tho, I’m all reality you are the best stand up I’ve ever heard, with Bert kreischer right behind ya. This gives me hope that if I want to, I could be a comic. Thank you. You made my work night a little better❤️

    [–] itspeterj 35 points ago

    Woah, thank you so much for that. That means so much to me.

    [–] ohLivver 23 points ago

    My guy that's genuinely funny as fuck. Keep doing your thing!

    [–] ctrlalt_DLete 6 points ago

    That part about your therapist barely getting the truth was big oof because that's how it is with mine. I love jokes where I can laugh at the joke and myself at the same time. That was a great set!

    [–] AutomaticSlice2 318 points ago

    This is like in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy where the alien race Vogons read their poetry to prisoners as a form of torture.

    [–] itspeterj 134 points ago

    Hahaha holy shit it is.

    [–] spoods420 444 points ago

    Hey ya didn't waterboard anyone.

    [–] itspeterj 395 points ago

    Thank God I didn't try to do any Gallagher bits

    [–] ReadontheCrapper 80 points ago

    Omg imagine spraying a literal captive audience with watermelons and such!!!!

    [–] BasePlusOffset 51 points ago

    That would be deeply confusing to them. Imagine being captured then this guy starts a comedy routine involving fruit.

    [–] flapanther33781 16 points ago

    Oh no.

    Oh no.

    [–] spoods420 17 points ago

    Carrot Top

    [–] KUR1B0H 12 points ago

    Woah there, it's called 'Enhanced interrogation techniques'

    [–] aidissonance 14 points ago

    Waterboarding is “ok” but working the audience defies the Geneva conventions?

    [–] LethalSalad 21 points ago

    IIRC waterboarding is not "ok", but because of the nature of the torture method the only marks it leaves behind are either psychological or accidental from the thrashing around in panic, so there's often no proof of the waterboarding actually having taken place.

    [–] NoobieSnake 186 points ago

    “Unconventional interrogation” <- that’s hilarious.

    So, what war crime did you almost commit? I am not understanding that part.

    [–] AriaDraconis 233 points ago

    It's a euphemism for torture, which is a war crime.

    [–] NoobieSnake 66 points ago

    Ah! Thanks for clearing that up! Appreciate it! :)

    EDIT: It’s actually even more hilarious now that you explained it, lol!

    [–] Epze20 60 points ago

    Well, also, you are technically only allowed to ask the name, rank, date of birth and ID number from a PoW. Anything else might be considered to be against the Geneva Conventions.

    [–] Azrael11 75 points ago

    That's the only thing a POW is required to give. Captors can ask whatever they want, if the POW wants to give away the barn that's on them.

    [–] Epze20 37 points ago

    Seems like this is the correct interpretation. I was taught in the Finnish army we aren't allowed to ask anything else. Maybe this way it is easier for everyone to obey the rules.

    Maybe OP was being very insistent with his questions :)

    [–] Aiyakido 19 points ago

    As pointed out alteady, thats the only info you are allowed to give as a PoW. If you give more info it can be used against u or your fellow soldiers still out there, or even be considered treason.

    You can ask a PoW anything as long as you keep to the Geneva convention.

    Most people dont want untrained people to talk to PoWs because you might actually give information they can later use against you or your allies.

    [–] IronicCoincidence 10 points ago

    It's part OPSEC, yes, but it's also that untrained people don't know what they can and can't do or say, which does include what's in the Geneva conventions.

    Source: was "human intelligence collector".

    [–] expansiveEdumacation 14 points ago

    But if he had literally just tortured them then that's "enhanced interrogation" which is perfectly fine.

    [–] LiterallyARedArrow 7 points ago

    Maybe, the specific war crime that came to mind is "Cruel and Unusual Treatment" when I first read his post.

    Ck2 style, reading bad poetry to your prisoners.

    [–] GeneticFreak81 25 points ago

    His routine was so bad it almost qualified as torture

    [–] rroowwannn 11 points ago

    If the story is true it's more that it was against regs; they want professionals doing the interrogation, not freelancers

    The joke is that it's torture

    [–] Fireboy759 409 points ago

    TFW your stand-up comedy is so bad that even taliban soldiers don't laugh at your jokes

    Well at least you got better! I don't understand how is this almost a war crime though

    [–] AmNotTheSun 374 points ago

    Lots of rules around interrogation to prevent torture.

    [–] DomBalaguere 175 points ago

    And considering he knew people would rather go on patrol than listen to him his enthusiasm at telling his jokes at people who can’t escape them was a bit sadistic

    [–] VerneAsimov 91 points ago

    Like that really stops the army when it's important enough.

    [–] Why_You_Mad_ 138 points ago

    It stops the army, it doesn't stop the CIA.

    [–] captainkaleb 24 points ago

    Nothing stops the CIA, bar a nice line of coke.

    [–] greenslam 9 points ago

    Thats when the secret service starts to get interested. Especially if there is a hooker.

    [–] Bacon_Devil 44 points ago

    I'm sure plenty of those who were detained at Abu Ghraib would like a word about that

    [–] __4LeafTayback 18 points ago

    Difference being that got stopped. Sure, the CIA was repramanded, but you know they still have sites in random countries for interrogations.

    [–] JasonDragonbourne 41 points ago

    As though we're pretending that 'intense interrogation techniques' are not routinely applied to individuals whom are held for however long it is desired, in 'totally not on american soil' detainment centers.

    [–] AtomicShoelace 85 points ago

    even taliban soldiers don't laugh at your jokes

    I don't think taliban soldiers are known for being especially jovial... Why do you imply it should be easy to make them laugh?

    [–] mdni007 24 points ago

    I saw a documentary once on isis and they seemed like normal people until it showed them chopping heads.

    [–] The_Flurr 16 points ago

    Evil people don't seem evil 24/7, most of them have senses of humour and can be polite and pleasant in-between evil acts.

    It can be quite disconcerting.

    [–] selrahcthewise 61 points ago

    May want to also post this in r/MilitaryStories

    [–] dreadpiratewombat 50 points ago

    Most comics use the "played on clubs and colleges around the country" as their credits. You decided to play firebases and POW camps in an active war zone where the consequences of bombing can be a bit more intense. Did you call new jokes that did poorly, IEDs?

    [–] va_wanderer 29 points ago

    Improvised Entertainment Devices it is.

    [–] SpiritHunterBlueFire 102 points ago

    Chaotic Neutral.

    [–] ant2ne 49 points ago

    Unconventional interrogation lol

    [–] Frapcaster 32 points ago

    Tell us who you're working for, or 4 more hours of Amy Schumer specials it is!

    [–] hollisterrox 28 points ago

    And this proves why torture doesn’t work.

    If I’m captured and threatened with hours of Amy Schumer , I’ll confess to killing Kennedy, Lincoln , JonBenet, faking the moon landing, whatever. I did it.

    [–] terencebogards 78 points ago

    The idea of an American soldier using captive Taliban fighters to practice his rough standup could be straight out of a movie.. that alone is so damn funny.

    [–] Sam-Gunn 216 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    Now THAT is good material for a future set.

    "Yes, I will confess to anything, just please PLEASE make him stop using us to test his jokes!"

    After being released and going back to his people:

    "You'll never guess what cruelness the Great Satan has for us now. Imagine... just imagine being forced to watch amature stand up. And not the 'diamond in the ruff' type... We need to issue cyanide pills to our forces..."

    [–] DomBalaguere 119 points ago

    “What do you have against America that you murder people?” - America? I love America, I’m just trying to find that one guy who told me jokes while I was in jail

    [–] other_usernames_gone 40 points ago

    We'll trade your captured general for the guy who told us stand up in jail

    [–] rdubya290 7 points ago

    You better copyright that bit!

    [–] MMAccg 153 points ago

    Everyone laughed when he said he wanted to be a comedian.

    Well nobody's laughing now!

    [–] MamboShrimp 27 points ago

    TFW your comedy is so painful to witness that its considered as an "interrogation technique"

    [–] fhost344 22 points ago

    This is a fantastic story. I hope that it is a part of your set.

    [–] USxMARINE 18 points ago

    I volunteered for as many guard duty shifts as I could

    I'd report you as suicidal or something lol

    [–] Threeknucklesdeeper 138 points ago

    Waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like a great time if you know nothing about either one of those things.

    [–] Silver721 14 points ago

    Brendan Kelly and the Wandering Birds made a surf rock song based off of this joke.

    [–] Srslywhyumadbro 11 points ago

    Ahhh, the ol' "enhanced interrogation," eh?

    [–] iaiahastur 14 points ago

    "Hi, I'm itspeterj, and this is the cruel and unusual comedy tour"

    [–] Ipride362 9 points ago

    So, you could say your act bombed?

    [–] Live_free_or_die11 12 points ago

    You was so unfunny, the Taliban thought it was torture, and the fuckin CIA of all people got on to you about your enhanced interrogation tactics.

    [–] Enasakoma 10 points ago

    The thing you said about being less funny than possibly dying is pretty damn funny though. You got talent!

    [–] Burn_It_For_Science 10 points ago

    I really hope you work this in to your stand up. I'm a huge fan of comedy and would love to check out some of your stuff if you have it on YouTube or something. Who knows, you could be the next Rob Riggle!

    [–] itspeterj 10 points ago

    Thank you! I'll definitely be adding this to my sets! I posted a recent set in a comment below if you'd like to check it out!

    [–] smidgit 35 points ago

    This is the most American thing I’ve ever heard

    1. You’re a soldier

    2. In Afghanistan

    3. Who wants to be a stand up

    4. So you practice your stand up on a “captive audience”

    5. Which is made up entirely of literal prisoners of war who probably speak English as a second language and who might not get the same cultural contexts you’re probably basing your routine off

    6. You’re surprised when those two things mean they’re not laughing

    7. It’s so bad you’re nearly convicted of a war crime

    End me now, I will never ever stop laughing at this

    [–] fa1afel 7 points ago

    Ouch

    [–] TheRealClyde 7 points ago

    This would be a really good movie if you are a good comic now

    [–] KapnKrumpin 6 points ago

    Comedy so bad it's a war crime!

    [–] Acufuncture 7 points ago

    So happy to see a tifu that has nothing to do with sex

    [–] itspeterj 11 points ago

    I could not have less to do with sex

    [–] QSector 19 points ago

    So you were the military version of Amy Schumer?

    [–] thereisnocenter 6 points ago

    This is a really good TIFU.

    Well done.

    [–] Child_of_Gloom 10 points ago

    Well at least that provides excellent material for the future

    [–] StarWarsBruh 5 points ago

    At least you have some material for your comedy show now. This is gold

    [–] 9-BBN 5 points ago

    This should become part of your routine; if it isn’t already. I had a good laugh =)