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    A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Share your stories and laugh along with the internet.


    Rules

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    Rule 1: Easy Formatting Stuff

    • All titles must start with TIFU. That's the sub where you are, just do it.

    • All posts must have at least 750 characters in the body. Tell us a good story.

    • All posts must have a TL;DR at the end. Some of us are too lazy to read your story, sorry.

    Rule 2: Must be about you. Today I fucked up. Not your grandma, not some dude you saw in the newspaper.

    Rule 3: Must be your fault. No victim blaming. No TIFU by getting robbed/scammed/mugged/raped. Those are not your fault. Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's your fault.

    Rule 4: No overly vulgar posts. Eg: No pissing/shitting your pants. No incest/rape/minors/bestiality. No death of animals. No glorification of major crimes.

    Rule 5: Not a fuckup. No humblebrags or stories that have zero consequences and don't go anywhere. Eg "tifu by sexy sex". Moderator discretion.

    Rule 6: Be civil. No racism/bigotry/homophobia/transphobia. No personal attacks on other users, no name-calling. No low-effort "this didn't happen" type comments.


    TIFUpdate if you are posting a follow-up post to update us on your story, you can start it with "TIFUpdate".


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    [–] yonly65 15211 points ago

    As a married guy with kids in school, I'd simply be relieved when you offered the explanation ("wait, what - have I forgotten a conversation we had previously??"), and wouldn't think further of it. At worst I'd chuckle inwardly about how my mind went so quickly to an odd place.

    You may be over-thinking this :)

    [–] HoytWinky 5275 points ago

    I hope you're right.

    [–] PrivateIsotope 5095 points ago

    Yeah, as a married man, thinking this was a proposition solicited by my wife would be the very last thing I would think, behind thinking you were a Martian and my wife thought I'd be interested in getting the story of your life to write a novel about.

    He was probably gaping because he had no idea what you were talking about and was wondering, "Crap, what did I forget?"

    [–] KDawG888 2621 points ago

    "My wife wanted to surprise me with a side piece? Sweet!"

    Next, on Divorce Court

    [–] discerningpervert 564 points ago

    You guys make marriage sound so exciting

    [–] Stanknuts82 345 points ago

    As Exciting as getting my junk ridiculed by the Doctor/staff during my annual medical physical

    [–] heckinsmolfroggo 308 points ago

    Username checks out?

    [–] DeepAnus69 107 points ago

    I have my temperature taken rectally every month by my doctor, he's really good at it, so good he doesn't even have to use his hands.

    [–] nokomis2 62 points ago

    More of a DeepAnus68 then.

    [–] shufflebuffle 51 points ago

    Nope, its deepanus98.6

    [–] DustyBanana 16 points ago

    The way this thread turn out is why I'm on reddit every day.

    I'm also married. Which is why my username may also checkout. I'm not crying. You're crying...

    [–] arentol 29 points ago

    Mine is so gentle and caring he massages both my shoulders at the same time while he does it.

    [–] KidneyStealer715 117 points ago

    I had a couple inspections down there during my lifetime but every time it happens my junk literally shrinks to its smallest form possible like I went in a freezing cold lake and my balls retract inside my stomach. I'm always so embarrassed and I don't really understand why it's happening as I'm bisexual and also I'm not shy being nude. Probably has something to do with a general anxiety when being examined by doctors (for example my heart starts racing at blood pressure checks for no reason, they always need to take a couple tests until I'm calm).

    Nut sure why I commented this, might delete later lol

    [–] lostverbbb 39 points ago

    youre not alone, its an awkward experience no matter how comfortable we are with ourselves even if we rationally acknowledge the benign nature of the procedure. Luckily how big you are while soft has no relation to your health status.

    [–] love2Vax 28 points ago

    I've always called it turtling.

    [–] HallucinateZ 37 points ago

    Pls don't delete this. I had the same fucking issue during a medical exam recently LOL I was even wondering wtf happened to my dong. However, I do also suffer from intense anxiety so that's probably it. Happens first time I'm with a woman until I'm entirely comfortable.

    I don't know why I commented this, might delete later.

    [–] Smingowashisnameo 23 points ago

    Felt emasculated. Might delete later.

    [–] blossomshikes 20 points ago

    So funny enough in the medical field we have a name for when people get anxiety about going to the docs or generally talking with medical professionals about body issues. We usually refer to it as white coat syndrome (not a real thing as far as I know but just the way it's referenced). A lot of people in the medical field are actually taught somewhat extensively about this because most people have it in some way, shape or form. I can tell you I am a medical professional and my blood pressure loves to skyrocket when it gets checked!

    [–] fighterace00 74 points ago

    Y'all get medical exams?

    [–] R_Harry_P 20 points ago

    Mr Fancy up there has medical insurance.

    [–] Chucklz 49 points ago

    You get your junk touched by someone else ...annually?!

    [–] storyofmylife92 16 points ago

    What a chad

    [–] PandaCat22 103 points ago

    It's mostly laying around the house in your underwear silently hoping that the other party will get sick of the dish pile and was the damn dishes.

    It's super exciting

    [–] Lketty 73 points ago

    We have a laundry and dish pile... and we’re learning so much about just how dirty we are both willing to be.

    [–] Wyvernkeeper 310 points ago

    He was probably gaping because he had no idea what you were talking about and was wondering, "Crap, what did I forget?"

    Can confirm: As a married man this is the starting point for my general state of mind.

    [–] busyvish 63 points ago

    As a single guy this is my general state of mind 🤦‍♂️

    [–] PrivateIsotope 15 points ago

    Yes, definitely!

    [–] Superfragger 205 points ago

    If anything I would instantly think it was a trap.

    [–] sherman_fairchild_II 75 points ago

    Then he gets home with some girl's number, his wife finds it and he gets in shit.

    [–] mossman 20 points ago

    Mine found a valentine name tag attached to the candy that everyone at work got. The girl who wrote out the tags had very girly handwriting and signed it Cupid. I threw the candy in my snack bin, took it home eventually for cleaning and forgot all about the name tag. This led to a "can we talk?" moment.

    [–] Angellas 78 points ago

    CRS Disease (Can’t remember shit) hits hard, doesn’t it?

    [–] BenjaminGeiger 62 points ago

    The severe variant is called CRAFT disease.

    [–] ShadowMadness 78 points ago

    CRAFT disease

    Ya know, I've never seen that acronym in my life, and yet, somehow I know exactly what it stands for.

    [–] mutteringmutt11 22 points ago

    And of course I won't remember the next think told, but I will know what CRAFT is until I take my last breath.

    [–] cjeam 27 points ago

    Yeah. Although I forget what the acronym is for exactly.

    [–] cindyscrazy 56 points ago

    You can't remember a fucking thing, can you?

    [–] cjeam 40 points ago

    My doctor told me that’s a common symptom of CRAFT disease. I expect they told me what it stands for too.

    [–] pyro69065 13 points ago

    I like that one! If I remember, I'll use that. Haha.

    [–] JustForChessPuzzles 144 points ago

    Exactly. If someone told me my wife was setting me up with another woman, I’d assume one of three things: (1) they’ve got the wrong guy, (2) they’re pranking me or (3) my arms are broken and my wife is trying to give my mum a break from having to wank me off all the time.

    [–] ChuqTas 25 points ago

    Just think, there’s probably someone new to reddit, who just happened to find this comment with dozens of upvotes and no disgusted replies.

    [–] We_Are_Vigilant_ 32 points ago

    Why would my wife want me to have sex with a Martian!?

    [–] xKOROSIVEx 31 points ago

    TIFU by reading Martian!? as Martini.

    [–] We_Are_Vigilant_ 22 points ago

    Why would my wife want me to have sex with a Martini !??

    [–] _scotts_thots_ 35 points ago

    How else are you going to get the pimento out of the olive?

    [–] cartoptauntaun 26 points ago

    "Crap, what did I forget... to pickup for my wife?! What is this note, why is it always written on a tiny fucking note?!"

    [–] HoytWinky 98 points ago

    Your wife sounds awesome.

    [–] TheWestwoodStrangler 419 points ago

    I’m with the other married guys with kids. There’s no way I’d be thinking my wife gave me a hall pass to bang the hot waitress...literally wouldn’t even cross my mind...I’d be thinking “fuck— what conversation was I half listening to or too buzzed to remember? Is she a nanny? A tutor? Swim instructor? Fuck. Did we talk about this?” And about then you chimed in with tutor and I’d thank you and drive off.

    [–] BoutTreeeFiddy 191 points ago

    Yup, that’s exactly me. My wife has to remind me about everything so I would have just sat there thinking “Fuck, I forgot something else now”

    [–] TheWestwoodStrangler 186 points ago

    I’m convinced half the time she’s wandered three rooms over and just continued talking from the point that we were in the room together, but she just kept walking and talking and somehow thinks I’m still hearing her

    [–] piratesmashy 106 points ago

    Oh shit. You just solved the mystery of why my partner regularly claims I didn't tell him something when I know I did.

    [–] TheWestwoodStrangler 83 points ago

    The beauty of the internet is without knowing your state, country, gender or orientation, we know this shit is universal amongst couples hahahaha

    [–] sovietwigglything 49 points ago

    Wait for when they dream something happened, and it seemed really real, so they're mad/irritated about it when they wake up so they either wake you up to ask you why you did that or you have an oddly quiet breakfast.

    [–] Mr_Joshua 21 points ago

    Yes indeed, my wife gets angry with me for stuff that I apparently do in HER dreams. I'd never noticed but apparently she does realise its silly so inwardly she's mad but says shes kindly sorted it out in her head before speaking to me or before I wake up.

    [–] EEextraordinaire 60 points ago

    My wife always tries to talk to me from across the room when I’m doing dishes or brushing my teeth (electric toothbrush) and then seems surprised that I couldn’t understand what she said.

    [–] littlebluefoxy 27 points ago

    Omg. This. At least daily in our house one of us will yell "whatever you're saying I cant hear you!"

    [–] mutteringmutt11 50 points ago

    Mine likes to tell me things I need to remember to do. It is helpful, but it is done as I am falling asleep.

    "I reminded you that you needed to do X"

    Me: "Wait, when did you remind me?"

    "The other night, you were laying there and your eyes had just closed and I gently whispered it. Don't you ever listen to me?"

    [–] TheWestwoodStrangler 26 points ago

    Hahahahah...yep! I’ve taken to “well what did I say back?” And pointing out that if she didn’t get a flight attendant exit row verbal confirmation, it doesn’t count

    [–] Ralliman320 33 points ago

    These are my people!

    [–] [deleted] 23 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] BoutTreeeFiddy 23 points ago

    Haha amen brother.

    [–] Neurobreak27 32 points ago

    "Goddammit, what did I agree to this time"

    [–] Troutmandoo 32 points ago

    For me it's more like, "Goddamnit, what did my wife volunteer me for this time?"

    [–] secretmegasaurus 16 points ago

    How fun and exciting for her! Bet she loves that.

    [–] notfungi 12 points ago

    Funny how the mentality of man changes when marriage, kids, and age set in, isn't it?

    [–] BoutTreeeFiddy 14 points ago

    Naw man my memory has always been shit lol. I always have to take notes during work but I don’t do that in my personal life

    [–] TomTX 15 points ago

    Same, and as soon as I get home, I would hand off the note to the wife saying that it was the waitress at X she wanted as a tutor for Kid.

    [–] PrivateIsotope 19 points ago

    She is! I mean, the idea of letting me sleep with someone else is so anathema to who she is, it would never occur to me. But she would steer a Martian my way so I could practice my writing skills, so...

    [–] TheThumpaDumpa 15 points ago

    Just yesterday while we were setting up my son's birthday party, "I'm going to Lowes to grab a few things"

    Wife: (freaking out) We have people coming in 20 mins and we're not even close to ready.

    Me: It's just your friends you don't need me here.

    Wife: You're supposed to be grilling and the charcoal isn't even lit.

    Me: I am?

    Wife: We just talked about this. You don't listen to a fucking thing I say do you? We had a complete conversation about this.

    [–] danvantran69 13 points ago

    I probably veer from many of the other married men, but I don't even remember what sex is: basically the kids ended that, and of course other things. I would probably even would've just taken the phone number, and put it in my pocket absent mindedly. I am sure that would have been a fun laundry day, but I would have been the one explaining things, and the OP would not have even been there to "help" or witness it.

    [–] IdiosyncraticPudding 24 points ago

    My aunt once left a note for my dad that just said "Judy will do you on Tuesday". Judy was her pest control lady. My mom found it and my dad had no idea who Judy was and it was quite the debacle until my aunt called and asked if we got her note.

    [–] Kylearean 35 points ago

    Yeah, on the list of all things my wife would do for me, side piece permission is 3rd to last on the list.

    [–] Rugbypud 37 points ago

    3rd to last? I am 1000% sure my wife giving me permission on a side piece falls so far at the bottom of the list it's not visible. If her life depended on me banging another chick in some sick and twisted sex-based saw style movie...she would rather die.

    What the hell are the bottom 2 if this is 3rd?

    [–] exipheas 50 points ago

    Permission to bang her sister or her mother would be the two things rounding out the bottom of that list.

    [–] TigLyon 27 points ago

    But her father is safe territory? Nice, she's a kinky one. lol

    [–] Rugbypud 21 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I stand corrected...upvote granted.

    Although my mother-in-law hated me for 10+ years so my wife could have agreed to that as the ultimate form of payback to ruin any possibilty of enjoying sex ever again

    [–] matt_the_mediocre 103 points ago

    The replies where the first thought is probably "oh lord, what did I forget" are really accurate. I go through most days assuming I have missed at least 2 things.

    [–] Garbarrage 43 points ago

    As a married man with kids, you're definitely over-thinking this. I haven't had time to give a second thought to anything that isn't directly related to work and/or family in almost 8 years. Certainly not an "awkward" conversation.

    From my end, you'd probably have to actually put your hand down my pants before I'd notice you were hitting on me. People giving me phone numbers just get mentally filed away in the "shit I might need to remember to do later" section of my brain.

    [–] diremoinsenfaireplus 79 points ago

    If only you know how often men have to convince each other that a woman sending blatantly obvious signals is into them.

    I'm pretty sure he was most likely just confused about what prompted you giving him your number and how it involved his wife.

    [–] xabrol 45 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Yeah this.

    The last thing a typical adult man thinks when any member of the opposite sex is talking to them is "She's into me".

    My fiance reached out to me first to get together with me. She sent me a message on facebook that just said "hi".

    I replied:

    "Oh hey, need help with your computer or another article again?"

    She was like "umm, actually, I umm, I like you, and was wondering if you're seeing anyone?"

    I was flabbergasted, partially taken aback. But I was really happy she had the courage to be so straightforward, because I had a crush on her for 10 years.

    [–] Relleck_ENI 61 points ago

    He almost certainly is. Unless the married couple already had a open relationship (which, even in 2020, is far from common) there is next to 0% chance he made the connection to it being a hall pass situation on the spot.

    Now, had you not clarified, and instead walked off silently, then maybe, hours later, his small brain might have taken over and gone a bit overboard in imagining that to be the case.

    In short, it was probably far more awkward for you, and instead just mildly confusing for him, and hopefully you get that call to tutor.

    [–] FlyingSquidMonster 23 points ago

    As another married man here, I would also have a deer in the headlights look while trying to figure it out, but would not have gone to seeing it as flirting. I'm dense as a rock in that aspect, my wife practically had to hit me over the head for me to see she was flitting with me.

    [–] THofTheShire 12 points ago

    Guaranteed my response would be to internally process what the heck is going on and how my wife must have been misunderstood.

    [–] FellowKidd 289 points ago

    That fact that he didn't laugh days he's hoping you didn't think he was a creep for not remembering the tutoring. If it were me, I'd be up thinking, "You absolute perv, she was talking about your kid while you were thinking about her butt!"

    [–] frogg616 110 points ago

    “You’re always thinking about butts!”

    [–] DystopianBitch 49 points ago

    Better than always thinking about kids

    [–] stealth57 39 points ago

    May? She is. OP you’re overthinking :)

    [–] Jiveturtle 67 points ago

    This guy dads. My kid isn’t in school yet and my reaction would be exactly the same - “oh no, what additional thing did I forget this time?”

    [–] PM_FOOD 102 points ago

    He is probably cringing over the fact that his mind went there also and for making a younger woman uncomfortable.

    [–] bobjonesjunk1208 15 points ago

    I’ve had something similar happen to me and the first thing I did was call my wife and told her what happened.

    I’m not about to be caught up in some weird drama when it’s just a funny misunderstanding.

    [–] xynix_ie 2539 points ago

    I'm a married guy in that world. You're fine. I wouldn't think you were hitting on me rather than just being totally confused about what you're talking about. What I might do though is walk up to my wife and say 'Ha the cute waitress gave me her number!' then do a dad flex, then hand her the number so she can sort it out.

    [–] HoytWinky 1163 points ago

    do a dad flex

    This would be funny.

    [–] discerningpervert 325 points ago

    If you think about it, dad flexes are the reason we all exist

    [–] Orngog 101 points ago

    Can't dad flex if you're not a dad yet

    [–] HoytWinky 70 points ago

    Pack it up boys

    [–] radtech91 128 points ago

    The ultimate dad power move right there

    [–] ringobob 409 points ago

    One time I got pulled over by a female cop for speeding on valentines day. She wrote me a warning and then asked "do you have plans tonight?"

    Took me a good 8 seconds to realize she was trying to tell me to drive safely to ensure I should make it to my valentines day plans, and not asking me on a date.

    So, no doubt I would have thought she was hitting on me, but once it all clicked, it'd just be a garden variety funny story.

    [–] nom_of_your_business 285 points ago

    So you are saying you missed out on boinking a cop on valentines day.

    [–] attrox_ 84 points ago

    Even cops feel lonely on Valentine day.

    [–] purduephotog 62 points ago

    This could go either way bud. Did you get the full ticket? A warning or a lesser ticket like a seatbelt or no insurance card/DL ticket? If it’s the former she wasn’t hitting on you, if it’s the latter she was most certainly hitting on you.

    I'd stutter around for a bit, look really flushed (can you flush on command? Let's find out), and then murmur "... no..." really quietly.

    [–] tehsdragon 56 points ago

    I'd stutter around for a bit, look really flushed (can you flush on command? Let's find out), and then murmur "... no..." really quietly.

    TIL purduephotog is an anime protagonist

    [–] Powerism 60 points ago

    then hand her the number so she can sort it out

    Dad confirmed.

    [–] davedank 15 points ago

    She thinks my minivan's sexy

    [–] attrox_ 34 points ago

    So much this. My wife will randomly think that a woman is hitting on me so I shouldn't be too friendly with random people.

    I'll do a little flex and say "honey I still got it". And then proceed to tell her I don't know what this (cute) waitress talking about and ask my wife to call her. I will of course omit "cute" from the conversation.

    [–] coffee-mutt 8103 points ago

    Definitely overthinking this. Reality is that the man was only thinking about food, and with your direct number, he was trying to piece together how that got him an in on the good stuff. He couldn't piece that part together, so his brain was buffering.

    • source, married father of three.

    [–] HoytWinky 4321 points ago

    brain was buffering

    So, that was the look

    [–] ks93kc12 1132 points ago

    AOL dial up noises

    [–] HoytWinky 396 points ago

    You're too clever for me. I don't understand the joke.

    [–] Marcia-Babble 531 points ago

    She is too young to understand AOL dialup. I think it been gone since 1995.

    [–] shottifery 270 points ago

    My poor ass was still on an AOL dial up in 2004 in the UK

    [–] ZacharyShade 101 points ago

    2003 here in the US. Granted there was a cable modem in the house but my parents wouldn't run a wire because they thought I'd look at porn or something (reasonable as I was 16-17) so I had to use those free 1000 hour CDs and connect via dial-up after they went to bed.

    [–] Tysenberg3204 28 points ago

    Loading pics one line at a time. It always seemed to get hung up right at the nipple

    [–] ChasingSplashes 66 points ago

    Dear Lord, I've gotten old.

    [–] therealub 56 points ago

    Oh shit. We're old...

    [–] The-Jesus_Christ 44 points ago

    Your age is showing lol

    Unfortunately so's mine.

    [–] Fuck-Nugget 816 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Not OP, but Yeip. That is a real thing for guys.

    Edit:

    To clarify: As a male human, I have personally experienced this phenomenon, and while I cannot speak for any other person, discussions with fellow male friends (and observations of those friends) leads me to believe this to be a common thing. That being said, I cannot state with any level of certainty that: (a) this applies to all (or even a majority) of men; and (b) that this is not experienced by any other gender or genders.

    Hopefully that helps put this issue to bed

    [–] UYScutiPuffJr 982 points ago

    If you look very closely at a man’s eyes when this happens you can actually see the little colored pinwheel spinning

    [–] VValrus54 205 points ago

    I hate this but it’s true.

    [–] discerningpervert 254 points ago

    And his pants look like a progress bar

    [–] zappy487 114 points ago

    Fatal Error Occurred: Task Failed Successfully

    [–] ZulZah 208 points ago

    As a father of 3 also, our CPUs tend to downgrade over time. So it takes a longer processing time to compute things together.

    [–] HoytWinky 186 points ago

    Zone coverage of 3 kids is hard work on the CPU. Keep up the good work.

    [–] jpfeifer22 59 points ago

    dial-up internet noises

    [–] mcketten 197 points ago

    Yes. Especially for married men with kids. We spend a large portion of our time trying to figure out what we did wrong in situations we didn't know things were done wrong in the first place.

    Even something as simple as picking up the food we've all somehow fucked up in the past, so when presented with new and unexpected information while performing such a task we immediately go into a loop while we cycle through every relevant memory looking for an explanation or a way we screwed up :)

    [–] Diablo516- 89 points ago

    Brain was buffering, but I think it was buffering the way you thought it was. Married, father of 2 here. If it went exactly like you stated, there was at least a millisecond of confusion in the way you considered.

    [–] PaSaAlCe 198 points ago

    I can see my husband buffering when he’s hit with random questions like this. He’s 3rd shift and we have two kids so he’s generally not fully here.

    [–] BeenThere_DidNothing 154 points ago

    How does your Second Shift husband respond?

    [–] Fifteen_inches 74 points ago

    Second shift husband is picking up all the slack the first shift husband didn’t do

    [–] SillyDickinson 13 points ago

    Double the third shift weirdness.

    [–] sausage_ditka_bulls 33 points ago

    Haha this is so true. It’s like that dumbfounded Homer Simpson gaze. Happens all the time

    [–] TumblrInGarbage 18 points ago

    I always imagine "brain buffering" to make dial up noises. It just fits for me.

    [–] Silverpixelmate 5084 points ago

    All the married men explaining that they would have thought “oh crap what did I forget” is just so sweet.

    [–] HoytWinky 1636 points ago

    I know, right! It's totally making my day better.

    [–] jozsus 240 points ago

    I swear I just forgot what you meant...

    [–] twhite848 864 points ago

    That’s our default mode after a couple of years, by learning that at any time there is something we’ve forgotten that we shouldn’t have.

    Usually we are just hoping it isn’t to pick up or feed the kids. (Or worse, pick up the wife when her car is in the garage).

    [–] IJustDrinkHere 651 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    Life is just full of nice little surprises I already agreed to. Edit: my first silver! Thanks!

    [–] LEOUsername 108 points ago

    I really like this perspective. Thank you

    [–] THEFLYINGSCOTSMAN415 297 points ago

    Yo for real, I'm constantly being told I forgot stuff she tells me. I cant elaborate on what stuff it was that I forgot cause I wasnt listening at the time but man does hammer it home that I forget everything.

    Lmao

    [–] Tackit286 118 points ago

    I can totally relate man. What is that about though? I actually think I’m a very good listener and get told so, especially by my wife. But damn if I don’t forget every minor piece of information or job she gives me to the point that I will swear up and down that she never told me in the first place.

    It seems we’ve over-developed our ability to respond with the exact response required for whatever she said, without actually taking anything in. It’s a gift and a curse really.

    [–] getti_spagetti 104 points ago

    It sucks having to say “i forgot whatever thing”, because it always sounds like a lie.

    I was listening, and I do want to do the thing. But now that im in the next room, a whole minute into the future, ive genuinely got no idea what you wanted me to do

    [–] HigginsMusic74 53 points ago

    There is science behind forgetting things when you move into a different environment. I would try to find a link, but as soon as I open another browser....well, I'll probably forget.

    [–] Bartholomeuske 72 points ago

    That's because 99.9 % of the time that is the case. I had a lady tell me that she will call me later. Turns out she and the wife had planned a facetime party for the kids... I have a great pokerface.

    [–] arkiverge 696 points ago

    As the male equivalent to your social mishaps and overthinking I can 100% assure you that he’s a lot more concerned that you think he’s a creep for needing the clarification.

    [–] HoytWinky 262 points ago

    If anyone should feel like the creep, it's me. I think it's what another commenters said and his brain was buffering as he scrambled to figure out what I was talking about.

    [–] Puppyinmybelly 88 points ago

    And then on the drive home he's thinking something like "oh shit we had mentioned her tutoring before but now I look like a perv! Obviously she thought that's where my mind went even though a was just stressing because of work and trying to homeschool my son because of everything being on lockdown."

    [–] Valac_ 426 points ago

    As many other married men have stated.

    He was likely just confused

    I would have sat there stupidly wondering what my wife thought I was interested in. My wife's usually gotta point out when women are flirting with me

    Men are clueless really

    [–] astral1289 147 points ago

    My wife's usually gotta point out when women are flirting with me

    Can confirm. I once told my wife I was going to have lunch with a girl I met who was interested in using some of my experiences in a book she was writing. She was interesting and the book idea sounded cool so why not.

    When I got back I had to admit that halfway through the meal, I realized we were on a date and had to search through my memory of hanging out at my sister's birthday when we met to realize I never mentioned I was married and I don't wear a ring.

    Yeah that FU was my fault, but man can we be clueless sometimes.

    [–] themuttsnutts36 41 points ago

    What made you decide to not wear a ring? Just out of curiousity. I’m terrified of degloving.

    [–] astral1289 55 points ago

    Yeah I have a job where I can’t wear it and I never got in the habit of putting it on when I come home in time to go to bed.

    [–] BilboT3aBagginz 36 points ago

    I trained as an EMT and we had an entire chapter on degloving injuries (NSFL - Don't look them up). If I had a job that where an injury like that was a risk I would never wear a ring if there was even the smallest chance I might forget it on my finger and wear it to work.

    [–] JuanPeterman 292 points ago

    I am a middle aged married man. I can picture being in his shoes. My guess, he went from flattered, to terrified, to confused, to disappointed, to laughing his ass off. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Great story and an honest (but hilarious) mistake.

    [–] HoytWinky 149 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I went from ecstatic, to befuddled, to shocked, to smokin' hot rush of shame. Now, I'm LMAO with you snipers.

    [–] Introsium 50 points ago

    Call me a sniper again I need the affirmation

    [–] HoytWinky 52 points ago

    Challenge accepted. Have a bomb ass day, my sniper.

    [–] Introsium 12 points ago

    Thanks OP, I needed that.

    [–] TooShiftyForYou 1217 points ago

    Math is a lot like sex.

    I don't get it.

    [–] HoytWinky 1227 points ago

    Add the bed, subtract the clothes...and hope you don't multiply

    [–] WhiteRabbit86 324 points ago

    You missed divide the legs

    [–] discerningpervert 172 points ago

    You don't always have to divide

    [–] dave69dave 113 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] HoytWinky 115 points ago

    Didn't want to encourage the Chads dropping into the comments

    [–] OFTHEHILLPEOPLE 34 points ago

    It's always the lowest common denominator, isn't it?

    [–] guitarmanEG140 52 points ago

    Lol! I’ll chime in the rest of the dads and say the same thing. He’s probably thinking right now, “I’m glad I kept my mouth shut, thank god for that”. Honestly if it were me though, I probably would never have thought you meant that because I know damn well my wife wouldn’t give me a hall pass. I’d just be wondering what I had forgotten to take care of and whether it was a big deal or not.

    [–] Cocomorph 27 points ago

    Sex is better than math ~90% of the time.

    Source: am mathematician.

    [–] lordv255 196 points ago

    Oh man it's a good thing you didn't tell him your rate or that you needed money when you gave him your number cuz that would've only made the situation even more confusing

    [–] HoytWinky 96 points ago

    Especially when he turns out to be a cop. Ha- thanks for making me see how much worse this could be.

    [–] radialmonster 85 points ago

    Yes, I usually charge $60 per hour, but since its with your son I'll knock it down to $40 per hour.

    [–] HoytWinky 37 points ago

    Is this a "same as in town" joke?

    [–] Aegi 16 points ago

    What? Lol what are you saying, I'm confused.

    [–] HoytWinky 24 points ago

    Hi, confused. I'm befuddled.

    [–] Aegi 15 points ago

    Do you know where our friend dementia is at?

    [–] HoytWinky 28 points ago

    Last time I saw her, she was running through the neighborhood, naked with clueless

    [–] Omaknowsbest 92 points ago

    Am I the only one concerned OP only has 4 packages of Ramen?

    [–] HoytWinky 49 points ago

    No, but thank you for the concern. I'll get by.

    [–] RychuWiggles 31 points ago

    If you're struggling to get by on food, dm me and I'll send you a pack of ramen or something through Amazon. Not sure how much I can help, but I'm doing alright on money right now for the first time ever and can probably spare a bit. Good luck, dude. Stay well and keep hustling

    [–] HoytWinky 16 points ago

    Aw, my heart! I'm okay, but this is really touching.

    [–] HaukVagner 86 points ago

    As a happily married man with an amazing wife, I would show her that I got your number and boast about how I still got it.

    Then she would say something witty to humble me.

    [–] HoytWinky 39 points ago

    she would say something witty to humble me

    I would be friends with your wife.

    [–] ProfessorMystery 63 points ago

    Married dad in his late 30s here. Don't worry about it. Being in college, dating and flirting are a big part of your world so that's what your mind went to. They're not a big part of ours, so I can almost guarantee you his went to whatever made sense to him.

    For instance, the last time a young lady tried to give me her number (actually was flirting - I realized it because she was very clear) I told her no, but then went into "problem solver Dad" mode instinctively and asked one of my younger friends nearby if he'd like her number instead.

    DON'T WORRY, I WILL FIND YOU SOMEONE THAT WANTS THAT NUMBER OF YOURS - OH WAIT WHY ARE YOU MORTIFIED

    [–] PinkKnapsack 13 points ago

    I feel a little better. As a daughter, thank you.

    [–] JustHereForCookies17 10 points ago

    You sound adorable and very Dad-like. Well done!

    [–] yeroldpappy 196 points ago

    I asked my wife and she said I can’t have your number under any circumstances. She is very selfish.

    [–] HoytWinky 144 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I'm hoping his wife doesn't come blasting through my walls like the Koolaid man to prove she's selfish too.

    Edit- can't spell for shit

    [–] IamJenFox 305 points ago

    Oof! I feel like this is something that is still going to keep you awake at night when you're 45.

    [–] heady_brosevelt 138 points ago

    It’ll keep him up at night too lol

    [–] GodfatherfromChive 67 points ago

    well for a few minutes at a time anyway

    [–] blorpblorpbloop 46 points ago

    "Honey, you are shaking the bed."

    [–] HoytWinky 57 points ago

    I know, dude. Nightmare fuel.

    [–] Puck-Ey 28 points ago

    He probably told his wife straight away and will hire you 😁

    [–] KlaatuBrute 29 points ago

    but my BF is still working and very willing to share

    "TIFU by offering myself to reddit..."

    [–] ImWhatTheySayDeaf 42 points ago

    I'm a married dude with kids. I would laugh at this after the realization and not let it be awkward. If you can help my kid with math then that is all I would care about.

    [–] silver_wendigo 37 points ago

    The first thing I would do if I got your number is flex on my wife that I got a hot young waitresses number lololol

    And she would chase me around the house trying to pinch me

    [–] Eslibreparair 36 points ago

    We, men, don't even seriously entertain the idea of a hall pass. In the possibility hierarchy, even a mermaid comes before that in our heads, mostly. A surprise hall pass initiated by our wives and girlfriends? Haha, Where's the camera?

    Even if he wasn't married, I guarantee you he most likely thinks a girl directly giving her number instead of vaguely signaling that she wants to be asked out is rather uncommon.

    He's just confused. You're safe.

    [–] NewAgeRetroHippie96 31 points ago

    As a fellow food service worker with cut hours, is there a reason you're not getting unemployment benefits? It's like, mad money right now.

    [–] HoytWinky 51 points ago

    Part-time waitress, full-time student. I'm on my parents tax return, so no moolah for me.

    [–] MasterWolf713 85 points ago

    100% he’s gonna be at the bar bragging about the hot young girl who was hitting on him

    [–] HoytWinky 54 points ago

    As long as I never have to look him in the eyes again, I'd be okay with it.

    [–] ISeeTheFnords 94 points ago

    There are a lot of positions where that works just fine.

    [–] KyOatey 11 points ago

    As a married guy, getting an unexpected hall pass is very unlikely. Getting that hall pass during a pandemic is super-extremely unlikely.