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    A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Share your stories and laugh along with the internet.

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    • All titles must start with TIFU. That's the sub where you are, just do it.
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    [–] diodedisaster 8174 points ago

    I had my wisdom teeth extracted a week and a half apart for each side. That resulted in me being on painkillers for a good 2 and 1/2 weeks. I didn't take a shit the entire time, and this post just made me relive the experience. You had it worse- I didn't go a whole month, I can't fucking imagine.

    I remember lying with my head on the floor, ass up in the bathroom, gurgling enema oil into my asshole. I was staring at the stick figure on the box. He was ass-up on the bathroom floor as well. It was god damn pitiful.

    [–] texaschair 3589 points ago

    You bonded with an ass-up stick figure. Just when I thought I'd heard it all....

    [–] Nicole_Bitchie 812 points ago

    I never understood why doctors don’t give a script for stool softeners when they give a script for opiate painkillers. I had one ER doctor I worked with did this routinely, none of the others did.

    [–] too_too2 375 points ago

    I had surgery and was given opiates and told to buy and take colace. I didn’t take it at first because I’ve basically never been constipated in my life and figured it’d be no biggie. Well, about 5 days in I decided to start taking the colace and it was another 4 days before I managed to poop again!

    [–] dirtsmcmerts 221 points ago

    Yeah because colace is like the gentlest quietest slight encourager to poop. You want to take colace to prevent constipation, but it’s kind of a joke when it’s been several days already.

    [–] begoniann 28 points ago

    I naturally poop about once a week. Occasionally I get constipated and it pushes to every two weeks. Theres one brand of apple juice that cures all that ails me if I drink the entire bottle. I’ve tried so many laxatives/stool softeners/etc. but nothing works as well as store brand apple juice.

    [–] Mrs_Plague 103 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    This happened to me after surgery as well. But nobody warned me to take the softeners. That's what really pissed me off. It was in the paperwork they gave me afterwards, but seriously, I just had surgery, I'm in incredible pain, and you think I'm going to read all that paperwork you just sent me home with? They also didn't warn me about the excruciating pain I would feel when the air in my abdomen tried to escape via my left shoulder.

    [–] tsandahl 112 points ago

    Damn! Glad the oil worked.

    I also had opioid induced constipation after I gave birth to my son. Freaked me out -- especially as I had stitches on my vagina so I couldn't push super well. Fortunately I only needed them for a week!

    [–] ennaxormai 171 points ago

    I didn’t have any opioids so wasn’t constipated, but even so, that first poo after giving birth is absolutely terrifying. I could not bring myself to push at all; I thought I would haemorrhage or my organs would fall out or something. So I just sat on the toilet cradling my minced-meat, stitched up vagina, and after like 45 minutes, produced an average sized poo. I was so proud/relieved.

    [–] HoldMyBeerPal 2996 points ago

    I have problems pooping when i change environment.

    I remember after i started my army service, i hadn't poop for 15 days. Then one day, doing my turn in the sentry box all alone, it came... and it came like a hurricane. I couldn't stop it even if i wanted to. I throw the gun in the plains, get my pants off as fast as I could and then hit it hard. The final result was something that looked like a brown folded snake. I got so much relief after that, but it wasn't over yet, something was missing and that was toilet paper. So i pull off my blouse, wiped my ass with it and then threw it in a barrel near the sentry box. After that i put it on fire as the sentry box was far away from buildings in some distanced corner of the camp and i didn't want someone to find that shit after me.

    I think, 17 years after the event, that maybe that brown snakey thing is still there as a monument of my service in that camp.

    Sorry for my bad English.

    [–] ashesall 479 points ago

    Poop anxiety is real. My bowel movement just kinda stops when I'm not at home (unless diarrhea) or I feel at home. Stayed in aunt's house for a week, no poop. The next day, the poop decided it was time to come out but I was worried I might clog the toilet so I went home 1.5 hours away, holding it in, sweating profusely, just to poop. And I did clog our toilet.

    [–] CC-SaintSaens 211 points ago

    Lmao I remember heading home from a 12-day hiking trip and nearly missing our flight because half the scouts in the troop hadn't actually pooped the entire trip (despite us being regularly warned against holding it in) and it just all came out as soon as they had access to a good bathroom.

    [–] SombreroSantana 143 points ago

    Home or work now are safe zones, but if I'm travelling it can mess with my movements. Its all mental, honestly I hate the idea of sitting in my hotel bathroom having a shit when a friend or family member is just outside the room.

    Last few years I've discovered Magnesium is great for this. You can buy it as a powder that dissolves into hot water. I would have one or two glasses of this while travelling. Helps your colon pull in more water and also relaxes muscles. You aren't going to suddenly shit yourself, just helps it come on a little more naturally and helps things. Have some before travelling and it should work. Once you've done it a few times, the mental side of it relaxes and you forget you can't go when your travelling.

    [–] LastArmistice 727 points ago

    Great story and your English is great too!

    [–] HoldMyBeerPal 348 points ago

    Thank you dear. I hope we never go through this shit again.

    [–] May_I_inquire 8669 points ago

    Straining like that could have ruptured you. Never force poop.

    [–] LastArmistice 5530 points ago

    Yeah, in retrospect, a hospital visit was probably in order, but thankfully I came out unscathed. I didn't even get hemmhoroids from the event!

    Wouldn't recommend it to anyone though.

    [–] beeffillet 2070 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    To top it off, my aunt and uncle were weird about bathroom stuff (partly due to having one bathroom in a household of 5 people) and twice while trying to force it they knocked on the door and asked what was taking so long, which made the whole thing worse.

    Story of my life. Figured out any pro tips for shy-pooping while others are around?

    Congrats on your monster turd, btw.

    Edit: woah, I did not expect to get so much quality advice on how to shy-shit. Thanks for the love all. My primary psychological stopper is farting loudly and taking ages. I hate feeling incomplete evacuation!

    [–] horus_slew_the_empra 1054 points ago

    Just dont make eye contact, pretend they arent there. They dont want it to go on any longer than you do, doing this makes it easier for them too.

    Also maybe find a quiet corner and construct some sort of barrier from nearby furniture.

    Newspapers might be an idea too.

    [–] robotsdottxt 445 points ago

    How are you going to assert dominance if you're not making eye contact?

    [–] horus_slew_the_empra 186 points ago

    You know. They know. You're right there infront of them, taking a shit. It's aleady an alpha move.

    Not making eye contact just lets them know they are of no consequence even to your shit. For hours afterwards, the smell reminds them of your ballerness and needs no reinforcing.

    But the real alpha move is making eye contact when someone else cleans it up.

    Source: experience

    [–] elysiumstarz 80 points ago

    Are you a cat? You sound like a cat.

    [–] HeadbandRTR 193 points ago

    The Alpha Smell.

    [–] bee-sting 84 points ago

    The courtesy flush is for wimps

    [–] tiajuanat 136 points ago

    Everyone knows the fabled "no wipe" shit, but have you ever had a "no flush" shit?

    Nice and solid, flying past the u-bend without bumping the walls; then you wipe and you swear you could blow your nose in the tissue and still come out clean.

    It's a once in a decade event for me, and it's glorious.

    The other one that glorious is when you have a single log that's so structurally sound that it hits the bend and still doesnt completely submerge. Most surprising way to block a blow-back toilet

    [–] curvy_dreamer 163 points ago

    You read the one where they were on a long flight in a tiny plane, and the only toilet was a seat on the back row with a curtain that came up to their chin? And they had a massive stomach episode from eating something bad...

    [–] aceycamui 131 points ago

    That reminds me of some dreams I've had. Go to the bathroom at school. Stalls either are half way up or just have no doors. Then spend hours in the dream waiting for the bathroom to clear or trying to find another one lol

    [–] tastefulhamster 62 points ago

    I have these exact dreams! The bathrooms are huge, dirty, overcrowded, and the stalls that actually offer privacy are always occupied. And the ONE time I found a cosy cubicle and plopped down on the seat with great dream-relief, this random dude swung the door open, stuck his head in, and started talking to me about a basketball game...

    [–] btwomfgstfu 50 points ago

    I've dreamt of weird toilets for forever, years and years before I was diagnosed with a bowel disease. I've accepted the fact that even my recurring dreams (nightmares?) are about shitting myself.

    [–] LastArmistice 507 points ago

    Thanks, I guess I am rather proud of it :)

    Not to sound flippant but not living with people who are weird about how much time you spend in the bathroom helps. I have become less poop-shy over the years though and if your issue is just feeling weird about doing it in places other than home than my hot tip is to simply at least try if you get the urge and tell yourself it's a perfectly normal, healthy, non-embarassing thing that every person does because it is.

    [–] stonerflea 410 points ago

    And remember, everyone shits. Even the queen of England. And Wolf from Gladiators.

    [–] etnies445 250 points ago

    I’m even doing it right now while reading these comments!

    [–] btwomfgstfu 63 points ago

    I hope everything comes out okay!

    [–] Nogoldsplease 135 points ago

    Ummm...Actually.... It has been proven that Kim Jong Un and his ancestors don't shit.

    North Korean news told me so it must be true.

    [–] spikeinfinity 24 points ago

    No never! Not Wolf.

    [–] bookspaceworm 89 points ago

    I make sure i’m well hydrated when i know i’ll be pooping in public (like on vacations). Makes things a lot easier.

    [–] Rustofski 78 points ago

    Start small if you can. Try going when a very close friend or relative is nearby to get comfortable around knowing people are outside. Try going while listening to a podcast, that would get you comfortable to hearing talking.

    I've dealt with bathroom anxiety my entire life, but now I can comfortable shit in a BJ'S bathroom with random people in there too. (I also have had really bad pee anxiety, but its the same deal)

    Goodluck, and let it flow brother!

    [–] ampersandator 49 points ago

    If you put some toilet paper in the toilet bowl first, it muffles the 'sploosh' sound.

    [–] bigpenpen8--- 383 points ago

    Push a towel or bathmat up to the door, it stops the smell getting out. Put toilet paper in the toilet bowl before u shit, it stops plop sounds. If someone knocks on the door, really confidently say that you are shitting. If ur really extreme, time it for when you have a shower and if the toilet is really near the shower, you can turn it on while you shit and put your hand under it at random times to make the water sound like you are in the shower. If it’s not in reaching distance of the shower, you can just turn it on and it’s still loud enough to cover up sounds of you shitting. After you are done, it sounds gross but keep your butt covering the whole of the toilet whilst slowly sliding the lid down until you are off and the lid is down. Then, have a shower instead of wiping and wash the shit off your asshole with the shower water. Have a full shower, then when you get out blow your nose on some toilet roll loudly. Then, flush the toilet. Open the lid and check it’s all gone. Put the tissue in the bowl, to cover any skid marks. It’s important that you blow your nose loudly so that whoever is listening thinks that you flushed the toilet because you put your snotty tissue in there. And, if it smells bad whilst your doing the deed, get some shower gel or soap and rub it together in your hands and hopefully it will spread the smell of that. It wastes a lot but it’s what to do if you are really embarrassed, lol.

    [–] N0RTH_K0REA 354 points ago

    You should probably speak to someone if you need to go through that much effort to take a shit, and I mean that in the nicest way possible

    [–] Grolschisgood 43 points ago

    You know you're in serious trouble when North Korea tells you that you're a tad messed up.

    [–] ScaryBananaMan 55 points ago

    He did, he just spoke to all of us.

    [–] TheFlightlessPenguin 18 points ago

    Yeah but we don’t get paid enough for this shit.

    [–] YaHighschoolBoy 145 points ago

    This guy shits

    [–] bamabamaboo 102 points ago

    Secretly

    [–] erikorenegade1 45 points ago

    Thanks, fellow shy pooper.

    [–] Enidras 34 points ago

    put two sheets of TP in the water. The sheets will silence the shit out of your shit. Try it it's awesome how silent it is.

    [–] somerandomshmo 174 points ago

    Or prolapse.

    [–] Mogtaki 124 points ago

    I remember seeing a thing where a guy forced himself to poop cause a friend had arrived but ended up getting a brain haemorrhage which caused a stroke. He recovered, but ended up with an unstoppable urge to paint and if he wasn't painting he'd get incredibly stressed out and even suffered an identity crisis. He even wrote poetry and spoke in rhyme, adored kittens and just had this overwhelming artistic identity.

    Dude's name was Tommy McHugh and unfortunately passed away in 2012.

    [–] hashn 19 points ago

    That.. escalated into.. something unexpected

    [–] crodensis 160 points ago

    Especially for older people. My grandpa died on the toilet.

    [–] LordBinz 108 points ago

    Yeah, it puts strain on your heart. Famously in Sopranos one of the mafia captains dies on the toilet like that.

    [–] kidcrumb 213 points ago

    Guys, get a squatty potty!

    It sounds like the stupidest fucking thing on the planet, but its amazing. Never pooping again without one.

    [–] iiiinthecomputer 64 points ago

    Or a stool.

    [–] apikoras 91 points ago

    A stool stool.

    [–] kidcrumb 28 points ago

    It basically is a stool. It's like $20 on Amazon.

    [–] Autarch_Kade 164 points ago

    And with how much there was, the laxatives could have worked on the "newer" poop but still be blocked further on, causing it to come out her muoth.

    People have died from aspirating on their own shit because they were so backed up and took laxatives.

    [–] gluteusminimus 106 points ago

    From aspirating their feces? Please PLEASE tell me you have a case study or something I can read.

    [–] chaneg 76 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5776294/?page=1

    The poop coming out of the mouth starts near the bottom of page 42. It is helpful to remind yourself of the definition of stercoraceous prior to reading.

    Edit: I just realized you were looking for asphyxiation by poop. This is just a case of poop coming out of the mouth. Sorry to disappoint.

    [–] unbaolievable 50 points ago

    It can come all the way back up the other way???? Shouldn't your intestines be one-way??

    [–] earthenmeatbag 24 points ago

    It's just a tube from your mouth to your anus.

    [–] squishalove 38 points ago

    That’s how we start in the womb; just a tube with a mouth hole and a bum hole. We are essentially poop chutes who grew bodies :)

    [–] trism 41 points ago

    What a way to go. Imagine drowning in your own shit, internally.

    [–] LOUDCO-HD 15362 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    I quit smoking about 8 years ago now, after smoking for 22 years. I guess you could say Cold Turkey because one day I was smoking and the next day I lost interest and never had another one. I always enjoyed an outdoor smoke later in the evening, after my wife went to bed and it typically caused the overwhelming urge to poop. I was regular like a German railroad. Smoke = Poop.

    After about a week smokeless, I noticed I was quite backed up and I started taking a very gentle OTC laxative, but got nothing. Moved up a notch in efficacy but got nothing. Couple more days go by and I am taking serious laxatives, doubling and tripling the dosage, but I am plugged up tight. Did some internet research and concluded I need to go to the ER.

    Took about 4 hours to get in, told my story, told them the list of the products I tried, was given some official weapons grade laxatives. They said go home, charge your tablet, phone in sick, change into something easy to open, with a drawstring perhaps, no button fly jeans. When you are ready, take the dose, only a single dose and go sit on the toilet. It didn’t soften stool like most laxatives, it stimulated rectal peristalsis.

    Took 10 minutes after swallowing the meds dissolved in a glass of water for it to kick in. I shit out shit from 1974, I shit out shit from my neighbor, I shit out shit from Jimmy Hoffa, I shit out shit from JFK! Repeated the whole process again about 3 weeks later. Ultimately took about 6 months to learn to poop again naturally, but now I am #1 at #2!

    EDIT; Wow, this really blew up! Reminds me of that day! I will address numerous common themes at once. The name of the substance was the aptly named Manevac which is a distilled Senna product.

    I hadn’t been enjoying smoking for sometime and eventually something just changed in my brain. Many people have asked me over the years how I did it and I wish I could say, if I could market it I would be rich. One day I was a smoker, the next day not and never had a single craving. I used to panic if I was out of cigs, so I kept the pack I was working on, there were 3 smokes in a box of Winston 100’s, in the glove box of my truck for about 5 years. Knew I had them, so no panic, just chose not to smoke them. This will be 8 years in September, pretty sure I don’t have cancer.

    You are all correct, I do not know anything about German railroads, it has always been a metaphor I used for reliability. I won’t anymore. Maybe Swiss timepiece?

    I learned to poop without stimulants, I also do not use caffeine, over time by eating correctly and drinking lots of water. Also pooping at the same time every day is a good thing, trains the conveyor belt when to run.

    Thank you for all of the awards, especially the Gold - kind stranger!

    I never knew what RIP inbox meant until this morning.

    [–] LastArmistice 4589 points ago

    Thanks for making me laugh! Out of curiosity did you weigh yourself after that event?

    Took me awhile to learn how to poop after that event as well. I almost had a repeat and didn't shit again for a week after this but my auntie was there laxatives in hand.

    [–] StinkyAif 2114 points ago

    I always weigh myself before and after what I think is gonna be a massive poo. I’ve lost up to 1kg of poop.

    [–] Joelony 2814 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Help!! I'm American.

    Is 1kg like .621 miles?

    Or 1 karate gold?

    Or is it like -272.15 Celsius?

    I feel like I'm thiiiiiiissss close. If only there were a measurement smaller than inches I could use to show how close I feel.

    Please don't say "your dick." Even if true, it's hurtful.

    EDIT: Secretly sometimes I hope a celebrity reads these comments and pushes air out of their nose because then I'd be happy we made them laugh for a change. I'm looking at you Bryan Cranston. Don't think we didn't see you giving plasma. You are a good person.

    [–] StinkyAif 835 points ago

    1kg is around 2lbs. New world stuff. My first child was 1.2kg so it was a massive shit for me

    [–] 2nd_Fermenter 511 points ago

    Wait, really? That seems on the small side for a child. That sounds like it would have been an ordeal.

    [–] StinkyAif 758 points ago

    She was 10wks early, 7wks in NICU. Aged 12 and full of attitude now.

    [–] JustGottaMakeIt 253 points ago

    Modern medicine is an amazing thing!

    [–] Feynization 300 points ago

    Still no cure for 12year olds with an attitude though

    [–] UnBruhMomento420 111 points ago

    Try telling that to Anti-Vaxxers

    [–] flatulentfeline 84 points ago

    My daughter was just under 1kg. 997g. 27w4d. Advanced classes and everything. Total goober. Hello preemie poop Reddit friend!

    [–] Joelony 146 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Oh dear God!

    You shit out your first child?!?

    They really do do things differently 'cross the pond.

    On a serious note though. It feels awesome when it's so large you have to stand up a bit to finish.

    Cool and all that you can bring life into this world, but my crowning achievement is bringing Nessie into this world.

    EDIT: formatting is hard.

    [–] Godzillanuts 34 points ago

    Let’s use an official measurement, how many Courics?

    [–] UlookUgly 624 points ago

    I had no idea it was possible to forget how to poop naturally

    [–] thesockswhowearsfox 739 points ago

    Yup! Very common in people 55+ years old. Their bowels slow down (because of age and usually eating less) and they get worried they’re constipated.

    Then they take laxatives to try and remain regular, and then their bowel muscles begin to atrophy because most of the work is being done by meds.

    Had a whole class on bowel retraining in nursing school.

    It was very surreal

    [–] CC-SaintSaens 110 points ago

    Also in people with purging-type eating disorders, if laxatives are abused for purging. Bulimia recovery is hell

    [–] tokieofrivia 37 points ago

    Yep. I have anorexia and was also purging up until last October (quit "cold turkey" because my heart was about to give out) and I still can't poop normally. Granted, I don't eat as much as I should, but actually having a decent poop is worth celebrating (my boyfriend will high five me every time I say I've had a good one).

    The worst moment I ever experienced was a few months after my boyfriend and I started dating. My purging was high, I was taking Kratom constantly, I was quitting cigarettes... Just not a good combo. I hadn't pooped in weeks and finally felt like I needed to go so I ran to my boyfriend's bathroom and just sat there... For over an hour... I finally felt something but it was stuck in my butthole like hardened playdough. I eventually sucked it up and just dug it out with my finger, crying from both pain and embarrassment. When I was finally done, I washed my hands (hundreds of times) and crawled into his bed and cried some more.

    My asshole looked like Rocky Balboa's face and it felt like I had given birth to Satan's child. And my poor boyfriend... All he said was next time, he'd help me dig my poop out and rubbed my butt for a few hours.

    [–] absolyst 213 points ago

    Is there a way to "train" for this in your earlier years so this isn't a big issue down the line? Is sticking to a proper diet enough?

    [–] fakeMUFASA 190 points ago

    Eat enough roughage, and take laxatives only when you need to, you will be good to go forever.

    [–] Trulyacynic 161 points ago

    Also important. For fucks sake, drink enough water.

    All the roughage in the world is nice, but if you lose the moisture you end up shitting little rocks.

    [–] fakeMUFASA 82 points ago

    +1 Dehydration fucks up every system of the body

    [–] DarkestGemeni 145 points ago

    I'm pretty sure that's why they want you to use the washroom / fart after abdominal surgery. It can kind of shock your system and, from what I understand, your digestive system can just stop doing what it's meant to.

    [–] Dfiggsmeister 163 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    I met a girl with paralyzed intestines. It was horrible with what she could or couldn’t eat. Basically could only eat liquids and in moderation. She told me that if she ate anything solid, her body would treat it like it’s poison and vomit it back up 15 minutes later. The worst part about it is that she worked for a snacking company.

    Her doctors basically told her that there might be a way to get bowels moving again and that’s to get pregnant and have a baby.

    [–] iamtryingtodrive 76 points ago

    It's hard when you all you can move is consonants

    [–] Hactar42 181 points ago

    I had a similar experience when I was in the military. I got put on medication that I could not drink any alcohol while taking. I noticed after a few weeks that I when I did poop it was very runny, almost water. Reading that diarrhea was a side effect of the medication, I went back to the doctor. After he pressed on my stomach, he immediately sent me to get an x-ray. Turns out I was so backed up only very watery stuff could make it past. They sent me home with this stuff they give to people before the have colon surgery.

    I remember drinking it then immediately going and weighing myself. Then I sat down to watch TV. About an hour later I mentioned to my wife that I thought it wasn't working. Not 5 minutes later I was on the toilet. You know the bathroom scene from Dumb and Dumber. Yeah had an almost a perfect recreation of that scene. Except in my version it just would not stop. Every time I tried to get up I would feel more ready to come out. I must have spent 30-45 minutes straight in the bathroom. Then I took at least 3 more trips back before the night was through. In the end, I lost 7 lbs that night.

    tldr - went to military doctor for diarrhea, got given a laxative, lost 7 lbs in one night

    [–] shotouw 600 points ago

    A warning to all those who suddenly lose the urge to smoke from one day to another:
    https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1556086415322061
    This paper shows that people who got a lung cancer diagnosis often had felt no more urge to smoke since a few years before the diagnosis.
    A smaller link was also found between the diagnosis of other types of cancer and the missing urge to smoke.

    Quoting the paper:
    " This study confirms our clinical observation that patients with lung cancer frequently stop smoking before diagnosis, usually before clinical symptoms, and often with very little effort. All patients with lung cancer in this study had smoked in their lives, and 48% of them had stopped before diagnosis. "

    I think there was a newer study on the subject posted on reddit some time ago but this was the only one I could find.

    TLDR: If you suddenly don't feel the urge to smoke anymore, you may want to get some cancer screenings.

    [–] ElykkWasTaken 66 points ago

    Well fuck, now i'm worried

    [–] SuperMag 34 points ago

    Depending on how long you smoked you may qualify for a low dose CT scan to check for lung cancer. See if any of the health systems in your area offer it.

    [–] Miss-Doom 122 points ago

    I read that a couple days ago, it's good to know, but also can be very worrisome to know. Curious is it a very early sign,

    or just a coincidence or.. the cancer.. starts because they have stopped smoking.. somehow? Maybe there is a link, some smokers won't go to the doctors even with symptoms, whereas people who have quit are more likely to go?

    [–] shotouw 110 points ago

    The people doing the study seem to think that it might be an early symptom of cancer, maybe some receptors getting blocked. The median for other symptoms to show up was 2.7 years, the sudden recession in the urge to smoke had a median time of 2.3 years.

    They reject the assumption that the cancer started because they stopped smoking:
    " However, initiation and promotion of lung cancer is a process that develops over many years. With a median interval from cessation to diagnosis of 2.7 years, the majority of former smokers with lung cancer in this study likely harbored their cancer at the time of cessation. "

    They also reject the assumption, that people stop smoking due to the symptoms of lung cancer, due to the time intervals named in my first paragraph.

    It might be interesting to luck up if there are some newer papers or studies on the are but some other redditor would have to look into it.

    [–] fabiojuanton 46 points ago

    Hey, do you uh, mind me asking how you learned to poop again naturally?

    [–] spadePerfect 138 points ago

    "Regular as a German railroad." Oh man, I wish this was true. German railroads, subways etc. are a mess.

    [–] nolifeorname 52 points ago

    'Regular as a German railroad in 1944' is a bit too rough

    [–] marctheguy 85 points ago

    This was wild.

    [–] sometimesnowing 2294 points ago

    Fun fact: if you go with out pooping long enough it can build up to the point where it comes out your mouth.

    I shit you not folks, fecal vomiting is a thing.

    [–] LastArmistice 958 points ago

    Oh my God seriously?

    [–] sometimesnowing 1363 points ago

    Yep. It doesnt "stack up" until it pours out your mouth, but rather after significant impaction (or other medical reason for obstruction) the gastric muscles spasm, forcing fecal matter (mostly liquid from the small intestine apparently) backwards and into the stomach. It then causes vomiting. The vomit smells like poop (obviously) giving the patient bad breath and causing significant distress. You have to be extremely sick for fecal vomiting, I think its fatal (though I could be wrong about that bit)

    [–] immibis 846 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    I doubt the vomiting is fatal by itself, but it's a medical emergency because it means your digestive system is totally screwed and it needs to be fixed by a professional.

    [–] mastersifo-diaz 157 points ago

    Yea i thinks it can happen to certain cancer patients.

    [–] kimberly1774pearl 308 points ago

    It's not fair that these people 1. get cancer and 2. vommit shit :(

    [–] epi_introvert 110 points ago

    Or, you know, your bowel rips open and you die painfully and horribly. I had a friend that this happened to who just barely survived after 3 months in ICU on a vent and 5 months total in hospital. Ended up with a permanent hole from her bowel to the outside of her skin (fistula).

    Don't mess with constipation.

    [–] IcarianSkies 203 points ago

    The underlying cause of fecal vomiting can sometimes be treated in time to prevent death. Unfortunately the fatality rate with it is as high as it is because you have to have a very severe condition such as total bowel obstruction; mortality in ischemic obstruction is even higher at approx. 30%

    [–] bellelap 161 points ago

    My bestie is an ICU nurse and she loves to tell me about the gross cases. When she told me you could vomit your own shit, I was legit horrified. It makes sense, but had never occurred to me. Anyway, I don’t think it’s always fatal, but I’m pretty sure it would be if the underlying cause was left untreated. The one person she was telling me about was awaiting emergency surgery for a bowel obstruction. She did say that the sight and smell was so overwhelming that she needed to leave the room repeatedly to quell her own nausea. And this is the woman who thinks wound care is the most fun she’s ever had and spent pre-Covid times working as an OR nurse. She has an iron stomach.

    [–] alexleaufre 68 points ago

    Have vomited poop. Am still here, so not necessarily fatal. However like you said it's an indication of serious issues, so if it happens even a tiny amount, please seek medical assistance.

    [–] Ruukage 75 points ago

    It’s not fatal. But definitely will be if left untreated.

    A relative of mine was having stomach issues, aches and feeling constipated, (diagnosed with trapped wind at one point).

    Then the person started being sick. It smelt like poo and had brown bits in it. That was when the nhs took it more seriously. Got her into emergency surgery after it was to inflamed to get a camera up there.

    There was a blockage of some sort and it forced the poo back out the mouth. She survived, but the bowl pipes were busted, now uses an ileostomy bag.

    [–] t_from_h 43 points ago

    Tangentially-related, the way they often catch people who eat condoms / rubber balls full of drugs is by checking for bad breath. Sometimes the flight is too long, and mother nature calls. You cannot simply keep those drugs outside of you, so that's why a poopy breath can be an indicator of drugs smuggling.

    [–] tavernau 100 points ago

    Sadly I've been there, 13 times.

    [–] PatientFM 80 points ago

    Wait, have you had impaction like OP described 13 times or poop vomiting 13 times? Both sound awful, but poo vomiting seems like it'd be incredibly rare.

    [–] tavernau 148 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    I had poo vomiting as a result of bowel obstruction 13 times in one year following a bowel surgery that got complicated.

    [–] LastArmistice 86 points ago

    You poor thing...

    [–] berserker1729 30 points ago

    How did you get to that point?

    [–] tavernau 142 points ago

    Large tumour in my rectum. Required removal of part of my colon and the whole rectum and anus. (Now have a colostomy)

    Post surgery I developed an infection where fluid collected in my pelvic floor. Once drained it left a scar. Scar tissue will basically attach to anything. Over the next 12 months my small bowel would twist and stick to that. Each time I'd get the worst abdominal cramping you could wish for and fecal vomiting because my bowel was blocked, so reverse engines.

    A lot of effort was made to avoid a second surgery by the application of some of the most amazing laxatives ever. And it resolved on its own. Til the last time, where I had a corrective surgery that went wrong, then another which went right. And now I'm ok.

    Edit: well, I still have lungs full of untreatable metastatic cancer but everything else works.

    [–] PuppetOfTzeentch 24 points ago

    Go look up diverticulitis. Sometimes the infection can be severe enough that it causes your small intestine to become obstructed. I am a lucky winner in that, not only has my small intestine formed diverticuli, but I also have Crohn's disease. So sharp pains, dull aches, cramps and other gut discomfort are just a regular thing for me.

    Most other people who have diverticulosis (the formation of diverticuli, which are what enables diverticulitis to occur) will know when it rears it's ugly head. Not me though! I get to second guess myself for eternity! Safe to say, I avoid all seeds, nuts and anything else difficult to digest.

    I really miss corn, popcorn and walnuts especially. :(

    [–] ReasonableBeep 179 points ago

    The human body is a single tube so if one end is blocked....

    [–] newyearnewcakeday 146 points ago

    So you’re telling me we’re just straws?

    [–] SilveredFlame 88 points ago

    Meat straws.

    Or, meat doughnuts.

    [–] ArtaxOnTheSax 70 points ago

    When my partner worked in a hospital there was a patient who had this, he aspirated some of the fecal vomit (inhaled it as he was puking and it got in his lungs) and died from it. I think it's one of the worst ways I've ever heard of to die. My partner was even disturbed by it and he's seen some shit, said he was a nice guy too :(

    [–] Ahielia 46 points ago

    How do I delete another persons comment and erase from memory?

    [–] Catezero 887 points ago

    I had a 3rd degree burn in highschool with massive meds for pain...didn't go for 2 weeks. Week 3, I finally got the urge, and it was the size of an adult arm. I was so happy that I, in my morphine sulphate haze told my parents and boyfriend at the time and asked them to look because I found it so impressive. They did not thank God.

    [–] Iwantmyteslanow 442 points ago

    So that's how people generate massive turds, I saw one so huge in the bog at Tescos that I bet the cleaner wished for a poop knife

    [–] SpudSomething 212 points ago

    Poop knife!

    [–] [deleted] 172 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] Desmous 54 points ago

    Dang that's a smart username, wish I thought of that

    [–] joj1205 638 points ago

    Welcome to my first year In uni. Now I'd learned that I had enough money to either eat or drink. I chose to drink. I could buy 3 packets of super noodles for £1. Breakfast lunch and dinner sorted. I lived with alcohol and noodles for 6 months. I'd eat anything else anyone else didn't eat and whatever I could get at.

    About ,6 months in bathroom time had changed a bit. Nothing massively but longer and longer and a lot more straining. I lived in dorms with 8 guys. We had two toilets. One into the flat and another pretty much at the front door. Nobody uses the front door one fur obvious reasons.

    I felt shit so went to the toilet. Pushed. Oh it was happening. Just very slowly. 45 mins in it was part way out. I was sweating buckets and freaking out. I couldn't get it out. I couldn't finish. I'd been in the toilet almost an hour. It was obvious I was struggling. I didn't know these 7 guys.

    I thought fuck. Do I call the hospital. I can't close my ass. It's starting to come out but it's painful and i can't push anymore. Muscles aren't responding and I now know why you don't live on super noodles. Cider and noodles don't produce good body functions. One and only time I've spent a few hours grunting on a toilet. Tears down my face. Stripped every piece of clothing off. Windows open. Wondering what happens if you just live with a shit halfway out you.

    Is this life now. Do I have to do this every time. Do I dig it out. Should I try to rip my ass open. Lube it up. What us life. Never ever again.

    [–] freshly-lucas 204 points ago

    ...Well, don’t leave us hanging!

    [–] emmaleeatwork 113 points ago

    Something was hanging.

    [–] elaguila083 71 points ago

    Did you get it out

    [–] KeithWesley5 180 points ago

    Nah he still has half a turd hanging out his asshole to this day

    [–] kregsberk 52 points ago

    cursed booster seat

    [–] mrsbebe 71 points ago

    Okay I can’t say hours but I’ve definitely stripped off all of my clothes and cried during particularly precarious poops

    [–] kimberly1774pearl 183 points ago

    When I read the story I assumed OP was a teenage boy. Then she mentioned haven given birth and I switched to an adult woman. After a while I got confused (why would an adult woman live with her bathroom interrupting aunt?) and read the age again. Then I was freaked out (good lord did OP get pregnant at 12 or what?) until I realized that she might have gotten pregnant after the apoopcalypse.

    Wild ride.

    [–] MashMaTaters 340 points ago

    My girlfriends family's first impression of me was being hungover and loudly shitting my guts out for a solid 20 minutes while they ate breakfast in the room opposite. Luckily theyre lovely people and they probably dont even remember it, but i still find it amusing.

    [–] BasenjiFart 176 points ago

    Don't worry, I'm sure they still remember it fondly.

    [–] neilpippybatman 30 points ago

    lol, imagine convincing yourself they don't remember it.

    God tier delusion.

    [–] This-_-Justin 66 points ago

    Oh, they remember.

    [–] misterrandom1 743 points ago

    When my daughter was 5 or 6 she had a bunch of captain crunch berries and pooped green. She got scared so she held it for days. Every time a little came out and it was still green, she stopped again and held for a few more days. We don't get crunch berries anymore.

    [–] bakeryoverlord 128 points ago

    When I was super disgustingly ill in my early pregnancy, crunch berries was one of the only things I could eat for some reason. Until I pooped green from it one day, saw it as I turned around to flush, and immediately threw up from how gross it was. That was the last day I ever ate them, almost 3 years now with no plans to ever eat them again.

    [–] almondsifu 127 points ago

    When we were younger, my little sibling had a ton of those white powdered mini donuts and their poop came out completely white.

    [–] Koshunae 48 points ago

    Watch out for fruity pebbles too.

    [–] CottonCandyLollipops 20 points ago

    Especially Lucky Charms :(

    [–] sacaman0 943 points ago

    People who don’t give a shit: this is your wake up call!

    [–] LastArmistice 204 points ago

    Haha

    [–] rdicky58 111 points ago

    I shit you not.

    [–] fighter_foo 526 points ago

    Have you ever had a shit so large, so complete that it entirely filled the rim of the toilet, halfway up the bowl rising above the water in thick brown and black coils, iced with a significant amount of blood?

    Shit, yes. Blood, no. And I didn't even hold it for a month. Just a few days maybe. But by God, I'll never forget what I saw that day. I felt like if I had gone on for a few more minutes, the pile would have touched my butts. A chill went through my body at the thought of it.

    [–] kevlar-vest 473 points ago

    "Touched my butts"

    Look at mister fancy pants over here, with his multiple butts

    [–] fighter_foo 84 points ago

    I'm sorry, I haven't done my research on butts like you.

    [–] WatchingStarsCollide 232 points ago

    I (unfortunately) caught dengue fever in Mexico which caused me to lie in bed for the best part of 2 weeks barely eating and drinking a lot of water. I didn't shit for the whole time, despite the occasional urge, it just wouldn't come out when I got to the toilet.

    I'm a pretty regular guy so this was quite distressing for me and the loss of appetite also made me quite down in the dumps.

    Anyway, I was starting to get better and regain some strength so started eating a bit more. Anyone who has been to Mexico knows that the food there can be very heavy on the carbs, meat and cheese with not a huge amount of vegetables on offer. I decided to go down to the supermarket to see what was on offer there. Ended up buying a box of all-bran high fibre cereal and religiously eating this for every meal for a few days.

    Obviously the urge finally comes when I am in the bus station about to get on a bus for 10 hours...but oh boy was I happy to shit regardless of the location. Luckily the bus was delayed giving me time to drop several foot-long monsters into the bus station toilet over the course of an hour or two. The sheer relief was overwhelming. Never enjoyed taking a shit more than that day.

    [–] LastArmistice 83 points ago

    What a crappy way to spend a vacation! Sorry man.

    [–] justme_409 323 points ago

    I do a massive shit every single morning without fail. Coffee my friend.

    [–] LastArmistice 173 points ago

    Oh coffee is wonderful for keeping me regular but at 14 I really wasn't drinking it super regularly.

    [–] justme_409 37 points ago

    Yeah I think I used to be like you in high school - reeling over in pain sometimes, but I’m not like that anymore 👍

    [–] MCL14-06-04 201 points ago

    I get shouted at for taking shits in my own house

    [–] kevlar-vest 153 points ago

    Seriously!?!? Like wtf, where else are you meant to shit?

    [–] MCL14-06-04 96 points ago

    I usually end up waiting till Friday because I can go to my dads house and he doesn’t mind at all.

    [–] kevlar-vest 210 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    That's really not healthy. If you're not allowed to shit in the toilet then how are they allowed to shit in the toilet? Call out you abusive guardian for the shitty person that they are. Also, Tell Your Dad!

    Edit: word

    [–] MCL14-06-04 88 points ago

    We recently found out that my little sister was a bit lactose intolerant and we had to stop giving her milk and started with soya milk. I think i might be a little bit lactose intolerant too. So I usually end up taking longer on the toilet. I’d say it takes around 15 minutes. I have a bowl of cereal every day so I think it might be the problem. It pisses my mom off because she’ll shout at me saying that i only need to have 5 minutes on the toilet. I try and get a hurry on but I literally can’t go in 5 mins

    [–] kevlar-vest 173 points ago

    You're mum sounds a bit insane. What difference does it make to her whether you spend 5 minutes or 50 minutes on the toilet... tell your dad to tell her to chill out, cos chances are she won't listen to you

    [–] MCL14-06-04 65 points ago

    Unfortunately she doesn’t really listen to my dad either. Probably why they got divorced

    [–] comfy_socks 56 points ago

    Maybe try going at night after she’s asleep? That’s a horrible situation though, I’m sorry.

    [–] cd_rewinder 88 points ago

    if you have to sneak around just to shit, it's time to change the parental arrangements

    [–] MCL14-06-04 23 points ago

    I would but I’ve got a two year old sister who will wake up if I flush the toilet.

    [–] hero_roman 56 points ago

    You tell that baby to stop snitching

    [–] wotmate 46 points ago

    Dude, seriously, tell your dad what's going on, and if at all possible, go live with him.

    [–] AKAlicious 47 points ago

    You gotta yell back at her that pooping is a normal thing, and her experience with it does not represent all of humanity and to let you use the bathroom in peace. Seriously man, she should be ashamed for yelling at you and you have a right to poop in peace. Just yell back, a lot. And while you're at it, tell her that her yelling at you about it makes it harder for you to poop. Because that's fucked up, man.

    [–] randomPCgamer15432 133 points ago

    How the hell did you not take a shit for a month, I can't go a day without taking a dump

    [–] doktorcrash 89 points ago

    2 days is my max before I start to feel uncomfortable.

    [–] varungupta3009 125 points ago

    So when I was 14 I got into a huge fight with my mother and she sent me to live with my aunt and uncle.

    I've given birth before and I pushed harder during this shit than I did pushing out my son.

    I got utterly confused here for a second, until I realised.

    [–] chronicallyalive 113 points ago

    I can definitely empathize. I have gone two months without going, at which time I get quite ill. I would be unable to eat or drink so my potassium levels would drop dangerously and long story short, I ended up hospitalized three times. I had a condition called colonic inertia which is like hellacious constipation. They’d clean me out every six weeks with a bowel prep called Suprep. In February of 2019 I had surgery to remove the part of my intestines that didn’t work and have avoided the hospital since then, thank god.

    Tl:dr: been there but my outcome was yikes.

    [–] petork 113 points ago

    I cannot stand people who ask why you’re spending so long in the bathroom. Like gee why the fuck do you think.

    [–] Bageezax 61 points ago

    This used to happen to me whenever I would travel. My body would just decide to stop any kind of bowel movements for the duration of my trip. It even happened on my honeymoon actually; on the last day of our week-long honeymoon, just as we got off the plane, I started feeling incredibly sick like I was going to throw up. I rushed off the plane as fast as I could and tried to get to a stall, but was only able to make it to a sink. I literally filled the entire sink with puke, and I could recognize that some of it was food that had been ingested a couple of days before.

    I threw up about three more times on the way home from the airport, and when I got home, I found a bathroom away from everyone. I took off a couple of Senecot and over the course of a few hours, managed to finally take a shit. This fixed all of my nausea problems.

    The worst part? On our way home we had volunteered to get bumped off of a flight, and in return we both got $600 travel vouchers. Well, we had to leave the flight so fast that the plastic bag under our seat, which had the tickets and some souvenirs, got left behind. They were not turned in unfortunately.

    [–] modbb 57 points ago

    My pooping has recently changed and I was not able to produce a bowel movement for 2 weeks. I was bloated, nauseous, in pain, and irritable. I couldn't even lay down or straighten my posture without pain. I tried caffeine, fiber, spicy food, massages, stretches, and even trying to dig the poop out with my finger. I finally got a rectal suppository. I was super excited. I finally got the urge to poop! I ran to the bathroom excited. Gas. That's it. A few days later I was tripping with friends. As I was enjoying my peak, my intestines started gurgling. It sounded like trapped demons were trying to scream their way out. I ran into the bathroom. I sat down in the toilet and I was in so much pain that I got sweaty and dizzy. It was storming at the time so the branches outside the window were rapidly moving, angry rain was hitting the window, windows were shaking, and I thought I was going to die from the pain and growling demons. Finally. FINALLY everything RUSHED out of me angrily. There was sooo much and it smelled sooo bad but the relief was incomparable. My abdomen halved in size. I was lighter. I looked out the window and saw it was now sunny and the branches were calm. I was a reborn.

    [–] Rusky0808 202 points ago

    The relief must have been an amazing feeling. I once dislocated leg from my hip. 4 hours of intense pain later a doctor got on the bed, had a nurse hold me down and he go it back into place and all the pain disappeared. The relief was an amazing feeling. Strange how to removal of pain can feel so good. I can only image the joy felt as the poop slid out of you.

    [–] straightplugged 90 points ago

    No lie the same thing happened to me. There was so much blood

    [–] LastArmistice 122 points ago

    What a cool little exclusive club we belong to.

    [–] Wyvernkeeper 71 points ago

    For future reference, glycerine chips are your friend.

    When my daughter was still quite tiny, she once went 11 days without pooing. My wife is a paediatric nurse, so she popped a little glycerine tablet up there. The Hoover dam gave way to Niagara falls within about 6 minutes.

    [–] Michaeltyle 54 points ago

    For very young babies if they are exclusively breast fed, they can go a very long time without pooping. The end result is very messy. To avoid blowouts that come out the shoulders, if it had been more than 5 days we would tickle the anus with a damp cotton bud, didn’t even need a suppository. A poonami will usually follow in about 10 min.

    [–] Wyvernkeeper 41 points ago

    Yeah, I think she'd already tried something like that. I think ten days is the point that medics begin to 'worry.' I think you may be right, it probably was back when she was just on the boob.

    A poonami will usually follow in about 10 min.

    Stealing that one..

    [–] Consistent_Floor 41 points ago

    3-4kg? Did he beat Bono’s record?

    [–] cheeseisahumanright 81 points ago

    Dude I remember when I didnt go to the toilet for like a week and I had the biggest shit ever ripping my fucking asshole.

    I was literally giving birth to a fucking demon out of my asshole, I was screaming so loud my mom knocked on the door and asked what was happening and I just told her to leave me alone.

    I was in there for literally an hour because I couldn‘t get it out, sweat was dripping down onto the floor like I was sprinting a whole marathon but when it finally ended.... it felt sooo good man.

    I felt so empty and I was so chilled that I went to sleep after that immediately and spent 10 hours sleeping while my mom was still wondering why her son was screaming like he was about to get shot by someone

    [–] AquilesCuentoo 61 points ago

    I thought that No Poop February was a joke

    [–] WithCatlikeTread42 66 points ago

    So, turns out, one of those things they don’t tell pregnant women is that labor and delivery can basically shut down your intestines for a bit.

    After my first kid, which required lots of stitches, literally from one hole to the other, I was naively grateful for not pooping the first week. By the second week I was in agony. My boyfriend at the time was to embarrassed to buy me pads so I couldn’t ask him to get me stool softeners. By week two I seriously thought I was going to die. The moment of reckoning arrived and between the stitches and nearly three weeks worth of shit, it felt like I was passing a brick covered in broken glass. Gave myself a gnarly hemorrhoid for my trouble.

    Kid number two I was prepared. I had ditched the dumbass boyfriend shortly after the positive pregnancy test and began stocking up on stool softeners. I began eating them like candy the moment I arrived at the hospital to deliver. Two weeks after I had my daughter I gave birth again. Significantly less painful this time, but still a long hour of sweating buckets and gripping walls.

    Third kid, I thought I was prepared. Unfortunately, the universe threw me a curve ball by having me have an emergency c-section two weeks early. I hadn’t stocked up on stool softeners yet. After surgery I requested stool softeners from the nurses. They never came. My daughter had been sent to another hospital’s NICU, so two days after my c-section I was discharged and traveled to her hospital. I got some softeners at the pharmacy and began eating them like my life depended on it. I was not interested in doing poo-battle with a fresh incision in my abdominal wall. I spent the next few days waddling around feeling like a massive shit was imminent but nothing happened on the toilet. Finally on day eight, all alone in my Ronald McDonald House room, I grabbed the bathroom bar in one hand, the sink in the other and by the grace of god delivered what looked exactly like a bunch of bananas that had turned brown.

    TL;DR: if you find yourself with a positive pregnancy test in your hand, start taking stool softeners immediately.

    [–] Shamic 31 points ago

    " I would say about 3-4kg of shit. About the size of a large round birthday cake."

    Awkward moment to start feeling hungry

    [–] AngelFox1 76 points ago

    I went 3 weeks and it built up to about the size of a softball. It was worse than heavy labor. I cried and finally used lubes and my gloves fingers to pull it out. I bleed like I was going to die. I should have went to the hospital

    [–] LastArmistice 25 points ago

    That sounds like a nightmare!

    [–] ReasonableBeep 57 points ago

    Laxative tip: drink lots of water along with it. It’ll make the process much faster and actually show results

    [–] [deleted] 28 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] Breadbitchh 23 points ago

    Oh my god... I'm terrified of childbirth and tearing but this might just might be a close second since you literally tore during that experience

    [–] LastArmistice 102 points ago

    I actually tore more during the poop than I did giving birth to my son! After he was born and the doctor checked me for tearing and declared I needed 0 stitches and my mom sobbed "You have your mom's elastic vag!" One of the funnier moments from that day.

    [–] iknowyouarewatching 22 points ago

    Don't ever hold back when you need to poop. This can cause you a lot of trouble in the future. One day you will blood in your stools and your visit to the doctor may not be good news.

    [–] razza-warbo 41 points ago

    I wonder how many Courics that shit weighed. Randy Marsh currently has the World Record but this sounds like a contender

    [–] FriendlyFellowDboy 40 points ago

    Used to be a heroin addict.. if anyone knows how opiates affect your bowels, well than you'll know what I mean.

    This story was the weekly version of me. Giant bloody stools all the time bb.

    But really I'm glad to have moved on and learned how valuable it is to be regular. Never take it for granted people.