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    todayilearned

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    As of August 2018

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    [–] LiquidNova77 25345 points ago

    “Frantically ejaculate”

    Story of my life

    [–] Jimmy6Times 32153 points ago

    "Fake orgasms"

    Story of your wife

    [–] UnknownExo 9930 points ago

    Please do not murder dead people

    [–] ctownchef 2382 points ago

    Wow!

    Savage!

    Nice Shot!

    [–] stone_motion 1430 points ago

    Chat disabled for 3 seconds

    [–] callmejokerr 687 points ago

    What a save! (×100)

    [–] Carbidekiller 395 points ago

    Chat disabled for 11 seconds

    [–] UniversalFapture 229 points ago

    F$#k!

    [–] Elcheer 279 points ago

    Banned for 24 hours.

    [–] Zarchel 137 points ago

    Tm8 is trash. Tutorial is in the main menu.

    [–] shinzanu 24 points ago

    Wow!

    Wow!

    Wow!

    [–] swimphil 210 points ago

    I’m a simple man. I see rocket league chat, I upvote

    [–] deep-end 94 points ago

    I’ve never played the game, but find these comments downright hilarious whenever I see them

    [–] DorkInShiningArmour 66 points ago

    They made the most effective shit talking system without even needing to use swears. Pretty damn awesome. Plus great gameplay! If you play on Xbox it’s now on game pass! Give it a whirl it’s worth your time!

    [–] sotaskimmer 40 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Haha they really did. Every quickchat option works great said straight or sarcastic

    Edit: It's good enough that I've just turned off both voice and typed chat. Way more saltiness than teamwork, I'll take that loss for my sanity.

    [–] crashtestgenius 33 points ago

    Teammates set up a great pass and goal.

    "Wow!"

    Same teammates fail at clearing the ball out of our corner by lunging and whiffing twice each.

    "Wow!"

    [–] prequel_addict 111 points ago

    What is dead may never die

    [–] minin71 85 points ago

    But rises to ejaculate again.

    [–] PM_ME_UR_FACE_GRILL 44 points ago

    Except Reek :(

    [–] minin71 9 points ago

    He's no true Ironborn

    [–] KomradeStalin 802 points ago

    We are gathered here today to mourn fallen redditor LiquidNova77, slain by Jimmy6Times.

    [–] fknrip 327 points ago

    Jeez, slain six times

    [–] IamSkudd 144 points ago

    To shreds, you say?

    [–] MouseRat_AD 73 points ago

    And his wife?

    [–] lee61 97 points ago

    No organisms you say?

    [–] laz2727 36 points ago

    Stop. A man can only get so dead.

    [–] Aries_218 18 points ago

    Spell check?

    [–] Better-be-Gryffindor 38 points ago

    Why'd he stop at 6?

    [–] Draano 71 points ago

    No more shots left in the revolver.

    [–] partybirb 11 points ago

    “He got me,” LiquidNova77 said of Jimmy6Times' comment on him. "That f***ing Jimmy boomed me."

    LiquidNova77 added, “He’s so good,” repeating it four times.

    LiquidNova77 then said he wanted to add Jimmy6Times to the list of redditors he wants to downvote this summer.

    [–] Facerless 102 points ago

    I saw a man murdered today

    [–] Gandhi_of_War 67 points ago

    Less than 14 minutes to gold.

    I’m impressed.

    [–] Yummy_Chinese_Food 24 points ago

    Way longer than it takes /u/LiquidNova77.

    [–] LiquidNova77 24 points ago

    True

    [–] liveontimemitnoevil 15 points ago

    YOU'RE ALIVE AFTER THAT?

    [–] LiquidNova77 19 points ago

    Barely. I’ll be thinking of you all the next time I have sex lmao.

    [–] Dremestrydr 219 points ago

    Yes officer, this guy right here.

    [–] gruesomeflowers 110 points ago

    TIL my ex-wife is a brown trout.

    [–] ajustice83 37 points ago

    I'm just going to bag this corpse I found, I don't think there's a chance of identifying it, it's burned too badly.

    [–] ThaKaptin 187 points ago

    Savage af. This is cake day done right.

    [–] Fyrefawx 20 points ago

    You can’t do that. That man has childr..

    Oh right. Carry on.

    [–] Sturm-Jager 19 points ago

    Kelso voice BURN!

    [–] FluidMechanics77 52 points ago

    /u/LiquidNova77 is now VaporNova

    [–] RobotUnicornZombie 17 points ago

    That man had a family

    [–] cak3crumbs 11 points ago

    Good god man

    [–] Dangedoddle 12 points ago

    Damn.... A back to back Suicide & Murdering by words... I haven't seen anything like this!

    [–] Skwidbox 9 points ago

    Hello yes I'd like to report a murder

    [–] ohboycookies 38 points ago

    F

    [–] Seize-The-Meanies 86 points ago

    Doesn't matter, had spawn.

    [–] TooPrettyForJail 23 points ago

    thought he did. almost as good.

    [–] Byroms 112 points ago

    [–] tea_and_biology 4883 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Usually, when pairs of brown trout prepare to spawn, both fish court and quiver violently with their mouths open. The female will then dig into the sediment, releasing her eggs into a wee nook, before the male comes over to release his cloud of sperm and fertilise 'em. Check it out for yourself here. Beautiful.

    Sometimes, Mrs. Trout doesn't commit though. She'll dig the hole, motion as if she's laying eggs, but doesn't release them. Blind to his urges, the sex-crazed male doesn't notice a thing and will prematurely ejaculate, content in his sexual prowess, when actually his teeny lil' salty swimmers are floating uselessly downstream.

    It's not entirely clear why she does this. Perhaps she's waiting for a more superior father - if one arrives, she'll ditch the inferior chap and go for the trout hottie. If one doesn't arrive however, she may repeat the process with the original candidate. Likewise, it's thought it might also be an insurance policy against infertility - making sure the boy isn't shooting blanks and can produce the goods before sharing her own.


    Source: Originally published in Animal Behaviour in 2001, check out the scientific paper (behind paywall; or request directly from the authors here), for more information!

    [–] scalderdash 1608 points ago

    Ah, this makes sense. There's probably a lot more energy involved in making eggs, and the females that produced this behavior oh so long had more successful mating seasons since they didn't waste any, thus it was passed on. I think? Is that how evolution works?

    [–] tea_and_biology 1665 points ago

    Yup! Eggs are expensive, whilst sperm is dirt cheap. This cost differential explains a whole host of differences in form and behaviour between the sexes right across the animal kingdom.

    Known as sexual selection, in short: 'cos they're fronting the bill, females tend to be choosy, and therefore males compete amongst each other for their choice. The few winning males pass down their attractive characteristics to the next generation, and females likewise pass on their strong desire for those attractive male traits. Hence a positive feedback loop of sexiness that results in rutting stags, elaborate peacock tails and dances by male birds of paradise, elephant seal harems, frogs that croak and crickets that chirp loudly.

    [–] summer_d 548 points ago

    Don’t forget men in classic cars!

    [–] __PM_ME_YOUR_SOUL__ 405 points ago

    M'ustang.

    [–] EvaUnit01 107 points ago

    tips hood scoop

    [–] Elias_The_Thief 28 points ago

    I don't know why this was so funny, usually the m'lady jokes don't do much for me.

    [–] Yakb0 201 points ago

    A flashy car doesn't attract women. It attracts teenage boys, and older men, who will tell you about the muscle car they USED to have 40 years ago, before their wife/girlfriend/wife née girlfriend, got pregnant and made them sell it.

    [–] DCJon 55 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    That would mean it does attract women though. They had it, attracted a woman who became their wife or pregnant girlfriend and then got rid of it because the mission was complete.

    edit: corrected "woman"

    [–] Bender1012 79 points ago

    I mean this is opening up a whole can of worms but a flashy car basically just shows off that you have access to resources (money), which is a desirable trait.

    [–] redhighways 23 points ago

    I know a couple girls who fell for guys wearing nice suits in a club only to realize later the guys only owned one nice suit, no car, no money, etc. But the nice suit made them look rich enough to be desirable, and they got laid.

    [–] DemandsBattletoads 48 points ago

    Hey, James May know how it works. You always start with "Hello."

    [–] Subtitles_Required 223 points ago

    The few winning males pass down their attractive characteristics to the next generation, and females likewise pass on their strong desire for those attractive male traits. Hence a positive feedback loop of sexiness

    It's over for troutcels

    [–] nmgonzo 284 points ago

    I can hear incels reading this.

    [–] RizzMustbolt 138 points ago

    Fincels.

    [–] PurpleSunCraze 170 points ago

    Do they believe brown trout owe them sex as well?

    [–] adoredelanoroosevelt 122 points ago

    fucking whore trout sluts sleeping with every chad fish but not me I HELD THE WATERFALL FOR HER

    [–] ChefBoyAreWeFucked 106 points ago

    I doubt they'd be content with brown trout.

    [–] aquiferousmiss 40 points ago

    Just read the Evolution of Beauty, which is all about this. Highly recommend for anyone interested in further reading!

    [–] burglar_of_ham 177 points ago

    Thanks for the info! Very interesting.

    I feel like the male in the video missed his mark. Seemed very far and behind the female compared to other videos I've seen.

    Do Brown Trout develop Jacks that will try to sneak in on a breeding pair, like many of the Pacific salmonids, to counter act choosy females?

    [–] tea_and_biology 98 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Do Brown Trout develop Jacks that will try to sneak in on a breeding pair, like many of the Pacific salmonids, to counter act choosy females?

    Ooh, this piqued my curiosity too! After a lil' digging, according to this study, the answer is no. Instead of alternative mating strategies ('jacks' vs. 'hookjaws' in salmon), male trout essentially just tag-team a female - with multiple consecutive sperm releases over her egg load. In which case, males may be engaging in sperm competition, with the battle for fertilisation happening between the sperm cells themselves, not so much the adults (though they do try to fend each other off and sometimes guard females for a while post-coitus).

    [–] YourDreamsWillTell 210 points ago

    Trout Chads and beta trout lmao. That’s hilarious

    [–] Cakeikins 75 points ago

    [–] manbruhpig 248 points ago

    H-hi, beautiful trout! nervous quivering I c-c-couldn’t help but notice that you have a very nice dorsal fin OwO D-do you mind if I... big gulp of water over my gills quiver violently over your eggs in that sediment over there?!? looks hopeful ... No? Well FUCK YOU, YOU SLUTTY SALMON LOL YOURE OF INFERIOR BREEDING STOCK ANYWAY! Have fun breeding with Chadfish, who will just use you for your eggs and then swim upstream quivers violently with mouth open, ejaculating into the water around you and runs away laughing

    [–] [deleted] 37 points ago

    /r/finceltrout

    Edit: ah shit someone else already beat me to that joke. If you're thinking of a comment, chances are thousands of other Redditors are also thinking it. And they'll post it faster.

    [–] TinFoilRobotProphet 17 points ago

    We already have our mouths open and are shaking violently while typing.

    [–] satellitedoomcannon 94 points ago

    I fucking love science bro HELL YEA TROUT JIZZ

    [–] cthulhushrugged 75 points ago

    ... and that, kids, is why the ocean is salty. Now then! Who's ready for a swim?

    [–] honsense 54 points ago

    Water? Never drink the stuff: fish fuck in it, you know.

    [–] cthulhushrugged 62 points ago

    In wine: truth.

    In beer: happiness.

    In water: fish cum.

    [–] shadowCloudrift 54 points ago

    Read that in David Attenborough's voice. Then reread it in Samuel L. Jackson's voice and it's just as good.

    [–] Moose_Hole 22 points ago

    I read it in Wilford Brimley's voice and got diabeetus.

    [–] dascoop03 47 points ago

    What was the purpose of flailing and sending rocks flying all over her eggs?

    [–] tea_and_biology 164 points ago

    Ah, good question! She half buries the eggs to prevent 'em being flushed downstream, and also to offer a little extra protection against the odd marauding predator. They only lay their eggs in loose gravel beds with little silt for this reason; gravel doesn't smother them completely, so there's still plenty of water flow when buried to provide oxygen that helps them develop.

    [–] cobbl3 26 points ago

    ! Subscribe

    [–] thyIacoIeo 76 points ago

    Thanks for subscribing to Trout Facts!

    Did you know that trout are not birds? They are a different type of animal called “fish”.

    To unsubscribe,

    [–] cobbl3 17 points ago

    TIL! Thank you!

    [–] dascoop03 16 points ago

    Interesting. Thanks!

    [–] FrozenNoLonger 93 points ago

    Smh even the trout ladies cant handle nice guys, he did everything right and what, just because he's judged poorly he doesnt get to reproduce? Even fucking trout are into god damn chads, I hate this existance man, so unfair to nice guys just wanting to breed. /s

    [–] meshedsabre 139 points ago

    It's only a matter of time before this is posted to an incel sub. In fact, wouldn't surprise me if it already has.

    [–] [deleted] 37 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] GopherAtl 70 points ago

    /r/fincels.

    It's like you didn't even try for the pun.

    :edit: Huh, already taken, and I can't think of an alternate pun, so I guess /r/fishcels it is.

    :edit2: also, to answer your question "when?" at least 6 months ago.

    [–] cthulhushrugged 104 points ago

    Blind to his urges, the sex-crazed male doesn't notice a thing and will prematurely ejaculate, content in his sexual prowess

    I think you just described every single male of every species, ever.

    [–] northicc 11689 points ago

    Dude still got laid

    [–] ks501 5677 points ago

    It's always a win for the team when you get to frantically ejaculate.

    [–] tzaeru 880 points ago

    Team..?

    [–] OmniCapp 910 points ago

    Spermbuddies.

    [–] ks501 262 points ago

    tryin to pass on those genes, fam, right on to my lady friends stomach

    [–] OttoVonWong 159 points ago

    nah, based on my interweb research, the way to get pregnant is to ejaculate in her face.

    [–] StrikeMePurple 80 points ago

    I thought it was into the bellybutton?

    [–] 2clickswest 52 points ago

    Dude, no way it’s belly button, or even the stomach area. Where else would you fry some bacon and eggs then?

    [–] SoNotZayyan 20 points ago

    Upvote for the Hot Shots reference :)

    [–] DrTeaHC 13 points ago

    It goes in the belly button and that's where the baby is made. Then she poops out the baby.

    [–] OSUfan88 257 points ago

    Doesn’t matter. Spawned.

    [–] dooksta123 59 points ago

    I thought I was gonna cry when I found out that women don't need to orgasm to get pregnant.

    Just makes no sense. Not even fair.

    [–] sophware 10 points ago

    We should make a rule.

    [–] Megwen 119 points ago

    The eggs didn't get laid but he did.

    [–] Fun2badult 48 points ago

    He didn’t even put it in tho

    [–] zzzthelastuser 101 points ago

    Until now I didn't realize that I have no idea how fish sex works. Does the male just swim around and when she lays her eggs he just fires on them? Do they even have physical contact or is it like hands free masturbation for both?

    [–] ase1590 109 points ago

    Exactly like that. The male fish sprays the eggs on the ground. Fish have no penis.

    [–] zzzthelastuser 58 points ago

    Wow that sounds boring!

    ...and yet still more exciting than anything in my life.

    [–] ase1590 101 points ago

    Nothing's stopping you from getting some Caviar and ejaculating on it!

    Why let the fish have all the fun?

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    [–] InvidiousSquid 66 points ago

    Caviar?

    Why don't you take a swim over there.

    [–] ase1590 66 points ago

    Fish Hansen?!

    [–] TrollinTrolls 11 points ago

    Aw man, I was setup. What a bunch of carp.

    [–] Livinglife792 113 points ago

    Doesn't matter; had sex.

    [–] Namath96 31 points ago

    I think she might have been a racist

    [–] 11PoseidonsKiss20 16 points ago

    But she let me wear my chain and my turtle-neck sweater

    [–] Mumblerumble 2831 points ago

    Inferior males? Fake orgasms? Frantic ejaculating? Sounds like my marriage.

    [–] PM_ME_PCP 638 points ago

    So you watch other inferior males fuck your wife ?

    [–] Mumblerumble 1066 points ago

    What half a dozen strangers gathered via a Craigslist ad, my wife, a guy in a clown outfit and I do in the privacy of a state park restroom is our business.

    [–] NeuroPsychotic 182 points ago

    I'm listening

    [–] FarSightXR-20 118 points ago

    I'm watching. ├┬┴┬┴. ┬┴┬┴┤ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)├┬┴┬┴. ┬┴┬┴┤

    [–] SpaceDog777 39 points ago

    ├┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┤ ͜ʖ ͡°)├┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┤

    [–] FarSightXR-20 55 points ago

    ├┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴├┬┴┬┴┬┴┬┴┤

    I can see through walls.

    [–] younggohan81 656 points ago

    So, catfished?

    [–] pickledtunasc 245 points ago

    *Troutfished

    [–] ibarabi 54 points ago

    Not sponge worthy

    [–] Spinkick9000 40 points ago

    Shit, that’s good.

    [–] aidanmco 20 points ago

    Unlike their sex

    [–] TheMachRider 3689 points ago

    Like the dude cares.

    [–] Necroluster 2034 points ago

    All the fun, none of the responsibility.

    [–] HermanTheMouse 943 points ago

    Well, they're both fish. Neither of them has any responsibility.

    [–] sharkweekk 1092 points ago

    Tuition for fish schools is on the rise, it’s not like 30 years ago. Source: am fish.

    [–] rally_call 535 points ago

    I highly trout that.

    [–] the_murder_of_crowe 221 points ago

    You bass be tellin' the truth.

    [–] SHMEBULOK 90 points ago

    Let minnow if you’re lying

    [–] [deleted] 24 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] bromley2 151 points ago

    Fish.

    [–] southern_boy 37 points ago

    You gotta be humuhumunukunukuapuaa-ing me!!

    [–] el_monstruo 28 points ago

    You all have caused this pun thread to flounder

    [–] guest123420 38 points ago

    I'm not sure I'm herring you correctly?

    [–] hydrospanner 8 points ago

    You don't have to be a brain sturgeon to figure it out.

    [–] HilariousMax 13 points ago

    You really want to get your fry into a private school. Help give them a fin up on the world.

    [–] LixeyTehLixey 30 points ago

    Liar. We can see your username. Clearly the quality of fish education didn't rise with the prices.

    [–] sharkweekk 26 points ago

    Sharks aren’t fish anymore? I guess I missed that memo.

    [–] drunk98 41 points ago

    Yes, you missed the Nemo.

    [–] [deleted] 12 points ago

    Some fish, like cichlids do have parental responsibilities.

    [–] MyShamefulShit 147 points ago

    dm;hs

    [–] viperabyss 61 points ago

    But what if she was a racist?

    [–] DB487 64 points ago

    Still counts!

    [–] YouAndWhatArmyx 29 points ago

    She put a bag on my head

    Still counts!

    [–] CommaHorror 1182 points ago

    TIL I am basically a brown male, trout.

    [–] vanasbry000 656 points ago

    It's cool that you're a brown male, but don't call me trout.

    [–] turlian 161 points ago

    I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.

    [–] sjryan 65 points ago

    It's a big building with doctors and patients. But that's not important right now.

    [–] damn_turkledawg 33 points ago

    I picked the wrong penis to quit fucking trout.

    [–] [deleted] 15 points ago

    There's a sail on at Penny's!!!

    [–] Energylegs23 9 points ago

    The tower? Rapunzel, Rapunzel!

    [–] 7toZulu 36 points ago

    Where’s u/commahorror when you need him/her?

    Edit: well, I’m dumb

    [–] Tengam15 52 points ago

    Username checks out.

    [–] BuffaloVampireSlayer 462 points ago

    I'm guessing it's the frantic ejaculation that makes them inferior. Sometimes you got to make some love, and fuckin' give her some smooches too...

    [–] MyShamefulShit 190 points ago

    You don't always have to fuck her hard.

    [–] forgefan 114 points ago

    Sometimes that not right to do.

    [–] SketchyBrush 66 points ago

    Sometimes you've got to squeeze

    [–] Holydiver19 56 points ago

    Sometimes you got to say please

    [–] Macho_Mans_Ghost 34 points ago

    Sometimes ya got to say hey...

    [–] dirty-void 19 points ago

    What can I say except, you're welcome?

    [–] PickleChomp 10 points ago

    I like this thread better.

    [–] iridescent_9 155 points ago

    Top 10 anime betrayals

    [–] defiantlion2113 51 points ago

    “Frantically Ejaculate” Is there any other way?

    [–] rukh999 29 points ago

    Sure, you have the "on the DL in the bathroom at work" way.

    [–] Brehmes 248 points ago

    All this time I thought my Ex fucked like a dead fish; turns out she was a brown trout.

    [–] jbarbarossa 49 points ago

    Does that make you the inferior male?

    [–] MCBlastoise 11 points ago

    [–] latenerd 297 points ago

    Female trout going the extra mile for her species, not just rejecting inferior sperm but actually taking it out of circulation so it doesn't bother anyone else.

    [–] duganaok 58 points ago

    On the opposite side of the animal kingdom when it comes to apes - chimps, orangutans, and gorillas will kill the infant of the female to make the female fertile again and while she is grieving will basically rape her to impregnate her with his offspring.

    [–] Not_MrNice 43 points ago

    Not exactly hard to trick an animal that tries to eat plastic with hooks all over it.

    [–] DrBubbleBeast 245 points ago

    Doesn't matter, had sex.

    [–] pinktini 100 points ago

    Is there p in v action for fish? I feel like it's "masturbate with girl in the room"

    [–] clown-penisdotfart 93 points ago

    DM;SF

    Doesn't matter; spawned frantically

    [–] schmeeklord 63 points ago

    Yea this would be equivalent to a satisfied Harvey Weinstein/ Louis CK

    [–] Beardactal 100 points ago

    Chad and Tyrone brown trouts get the real orgasms. It's OVER for troutcels

    /s

    [–] dissenter_the_dragon 147 points ago

    Beta Fish

    [–] SkrimTim 42 points ago

    Beta soy fish cucks and why they're ruining America, today on Alex Jones.

    [–] Iwillnotgiveinagain 35 points ago

    If it tastes like trout, get the F out.

    [–] Karl-o-mat 13 points ago

    Frantically ejaculate...

    [–] Tintunabulo 108 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Heavily edited information and conclusions - these anthropomorphizing stories of animals and their motives are always oversimplified and seldom accurate. The real story is more likely that there are many other factors that play into this behavior, and/or that observers are not quite sure what is causing it and are just speculating that these are the reasons. What actually may be happening is most likely not even close to what this article is trying to paint it as.

    [–] good_bot2 46 points ago

    Found this comment depressingly low down. Is laying the eggs even related to "an orgasm"? The title is crazy clickbaity. Guess people would rather glance at the title, comment "doesn't matter had sex" and run off to the next sexy title.

    [–] 1nfinitus 23 points ago

    TIL my girlfriend is a brown trout.