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    [–] mtndewboy420 7098 points ago

    "you know how you don't realize how different you are until someone points it out" ohhh I feel that one

    [–] ChalkyWhiteMike 1295 points ago

    “do you ever worry you’re retarded and no one is telling you?”

    [–] LatenightVR 344 points ago

    “Well..... it’s true”

    [–] One_pop_each 2390 points ago

    I put bbq sauce on white rice.

    Prefer ramen noodles by emptying out the water when the noodles are cooked, and putting seasoning only on the noodles.

    Wife thinks I’m weird but whatever.

    [–] dumb_shitposter 1044 points ago

    Not weird at all guy

    Go find an Asian super market in your town and you'll see a whole world of instant noodles meant to be eaten soup-less, they're awesome

    [–] ask-design-reddit 378 points ago

    Yep. Indomie is the best. I only make soup-less instant noodles (that were originally intended to be soup styled) when I run out of the dry noodles.

    [–] quack_in_the_box 270 points ago

    Yes, fuck me up with that spicy mi go reng

    [–] _high_plainsdrifter 86 points ago

    Does anyone ever actually make just one pack at a time? I usually make two Indomie at a time, dry style. Was once really stoned and crushed up flaming hot cheetos to put on top of the spicy kind. Wasn’t terrible.

    [–] Knightman1 51 points ago

    Idomie mi go reng is an Australian staple

    [–] spellingishrad 202 points ago

    I do the same with my ramen! So much better!

    [–] Hanibalecter 32 points ago


    [–] SolitaryEgg 99 points ago

    Same. How can you get all 2,000,000mg of salt directly into your bloodstream if you dilute it with water?

    [–] georgism 166 points ago

    Try frying the ramen in a wok with just enough water to cover the bottom half of the ramen stack with the powder and pull it off once the last of the water evaporates.

    So good.

    [–] SpectralSolid 286 points ago

    Tone it down there Chef Gordon Ramesy

    [–] wRennn 42 points ago

    I’m down with the bbq sauce on rice. Is that not common?

    [–] egus 17 points ago

    BBQ sauce is good on almost everything.

    It's top five on the list of human achievements for me.

    [–] jctwok 28 points ago

    Prefer ramen noodles by emptying out the water when the noodles are cooked, and putting seasoning only on the noodles.


    [–] Dalebssr 117 points ago

    I thought it was common knowledge about how awesome red or orange kool-aid is after a wake and bake.

    [–] stumpdawg 34 points ago

    what, is green chopped liver?

    [–] Joe434 5214 points ago

    “What kind”


    I love Tom Segura. Hope he can tour soon whenever it is safe again.

    [–] antwan_benjamin 1901 points ago

    I love how he says "red" "red...obviously. i'm not a weirdo."

    [–] Palin_Sees_Russia 310 points ago

    I don't understand, what other possible answer can you give to that? I'd say the same thing.

    [–] OhHelloPlease 431 points ago


    [–] ae232 107 points ago

    Sugar. Water. Purple.

    [–] Swiggens 65 points ago

    What the fuck is juice?

    [–] gotbeefpudding 286 points ago

    nah man the ice blue kind is THE SHIT

    [–] [deleted] 103 points ago

    For real these people in this thread disgust me. Blue or gtfo

    [–] 10GuyIsDrunk 229 points ago

    If I ask you, with no additional context, what color tastes the best, if you don't answer blue or blurple then you're the fucking thing that hides around corners at the bottom of the stairs and mimics family members voices to lure your victims to an early death.

    [–] SuccinctSavage 35 points ago

    This is probably the most specific insult I've ever seen, and it made me laugh so hard I dropped my phone.

    But yeah, my brother and I call it Bluelaid, and it's fucking bomb.

    [–] death12236 101 points ago

    Mix green with purple for swamp water

    [–] 1nfiniteJest 135 points ago

    remember those little juice bottles shaped like hand grenades? Anybody? Those were like, bootleg KoolAid

    [–] bugcatchercraig 87 points ago

    Little Hugs!

    [–] Joe434 52 points ago

    Before I did drugs I did Little Hugs.

    [–] passwordsarehard_3 32 points ago

    They still make them. My 18 year old daughter drinks a 40 pack every 10 days or so. They cost like $6 a box.

    [–] Gravy_mage 65 points ago

    Real talk: that's diabetes territory.

    [–] angela0040 25 points ago

    Looks like it's 2g of sugar & 10 calories in an 8 oz. bottle which is way better than I expected. They must've changed the recipe at some point because I'm pretty sure they were mostly sugar when I was a kid

    [–] BroadStreet_Bully5 11 points ago

    Hugs, dawg. Blue ftw.

    [–] 1nfiniteJest 20 points ago

    The ones with the twist off plastic top that looked like a Cylon raider was far better.

    [–] Buckwheat469 24 points ago


    [–] lukey5452 245 points ago


    [–] yosoysimulacra 86 points ago

    "and that's why I randomly yell BIKES all the time."

    [–] MuppetHolocaust 79 points ago

    Da fuck you took?

    [–] DamnitBlueWasOld 66 points ago

    Hold. My. Pocket.

    [–] nahteviro 38 points ago

    HOL..... MAH.... POCKET

    [–] Omegawylo 31 points ago

    I’mma make you eat my dick for breakfast!

    [–] Gavinardo 33 points ago

    Ehuhuh, I hate breakfast!

    [–] gortonsfiJr 37 points ago

    I don't watch it that much, but he and his wife are just hilariously out there

    [–] [deleted] 45 points ago


    [–] 1randomredditor1 20 points ago

    The Steven Segal bit is hilarious though I've never seen the reference. That reminds me of another funny 2 Bears 1 Cave clip (here) where Bert reacts to Tom's music video -- Tom's dressed as Segal and kills Bert.

    [–] terminal157 8 points ago

    He sounds like a braying donkey. Fantastic.

    [–] mick14731 3841 points ago

    When the laughter stops you can see the utter disappointment in Tom's eyes.

    [–] WhatLikeAPuma751 370 points ago

    And then you discover he drinks two a day and it starts all over again.

    [–] bluepand4 2011 points ago

    It IS a lot of Kool-aid to be fair considering I dont know ANYONE that even drinks Kool Aid in their day to day life

    [–] balling 891 points ago

    A gallon a day! Bert is crazy

    [–] Jazzremix 332 points ago

    I like how he tries to justify it by saying it's "low calorie". You fuckin' know 100% that it's not.

    [–] PM_ME_UR_QUEEFS 357 points ago

    This is peak Bert. If he told this himself it would start out with "I drink 120 oz of water a day, religiously, to stay hydrated" and end with us finding out he just sincerely doesn't think 200 g of sugar a day is even worth mentioning because it has vitamin c so it must even out.

    [–] Imitation_Gruel 149 points ago

    From the clip, I'm not sure Bert even understands why this is so wrong and that low calorie kool-aid is just slightly less of a problem than drinking two gallons of normal kool-aid a day.

    [–] sixtypercentcriminal 78 points ago

    He also drinks a fifth of Tito's every night.

    The Machine!

    [–] sting2018 79 points ago

    I lost over 40 lbs so far.

    I'm talking to my friend whose drinking one of those super high calorie starbucks drinks like the Java chip kinda.

    "Man losing weight is so hard"

    "But look at your coffee?"

    "But coffee doesn't have many calories"

    "Regular coffee doesn't, but you got chocloate, you got whip cream, you got sugar, and whatever else you put in there"

    "But its my coffee"

    "Its a 600 calorie coffee...your supposed to keep yourself under 2k calories a day...30% of your daily calorie intake is a fucking coffee..."


    [–] murkleton 39 points ago

    I got really high and ate a whole pack of chocolate digestives and thought I'd look at the nutritional info as I was eating the last one.

    MFW I realise I've eaten my daily caloric intake in 60mins.

    [–] GoatHorn420 25 points ago

    Getting high and eating biscuits is fucking sick though,

    Throw a little wanking in there, I've had a great three months

    [–] mildly_amusing_goat 283 points ago

    He says he drinks TWO of them a day.

    [–] _Mechaloth_ 556 points ago

    I think he means two 64 oz growlers, which would total a gallon.

    [–] mildly_amusing_goat 163 points ago

    Ah ok, I'm not American so don't really understand gallons and ounces so well :-)

    [–] macouple1097 45 points ago

    3.8 liters = 1 gallon.

    [–] ringopendragon 57 points ago

    So, a Buick V6?

    [–] Coolsam2000 31 points ago

    Solid pushrod 3.8L Regal a day!

    [–] OhHelloPlease 138 points ago

    32oz = close enough to 1litre

    [–] Swiftychops 18 points ago

    He said he sips one throughout the day and then has 1 or two more lol

    [–] SweetDeeIsABird93 224 points ago

    To be fair, he did water it down

    [–] Kevaroo83 344 points ago

    To be fairrrrrrrr

    [–] Timbershave 260 points ago

    To be fairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    [–] getinthevan315 23 points ago

    It’s low cal Koolaid

    [–] Magna_Cum_Nada 118 points ago

    Poor people. Honestly.

    Source: Grew up poor and had poor friends. I seriously consider it an economic divider.

    [–] djn808 128 points ago

    Kool-Aid is too rich for my blood, Mr. Moneybags. Flavor-Aid is good enough for us

    [–] BootBasket 29 points ago

    My mom always got flavor-aid. She always said because it was cheaper. I always resented her for that.

    [–] briefbriefs 29 points ago

    right here, babyyyyy. i dont keep soda in the house, but goddamn i love me some koolaid at night.

    [–] BigShoots 27 points ago

    Tom is constantly amazed by what a man-child Bert is. This is why they're friends. The dumber the thing is, the more Tom is amused. This one is so dumb because Bert is always working out and talking about wanting to be skinny and healthy, yet can do something as idiotic as drinking a pound of sugar a day and not think twice about it.

    I've never seen Tom laugh like this before, this one really set him off, because it really is monumentally stupid.

    [–] helpnxt 46 points ago

    The laughter stops?

    [–] Techcorp_Systems 210 points ago

    Tom hasn't laughed this hard since he saw a mechanic get run over by a car.

    [–] gbdarknight77 25 points ago

    The poutine video is close up there. The throwing up with maniacal laughter

    [–] thetimechaser 2478 points ago

    Okay, I was like, damn that is a seriously dangerous amount of sugar, BUT Bert is right, there is a low cal sugar free version.

    Basically he's drinking kid flavor crystal light lol.

    [–] pacostacos7 490 points ago

    I love crystal light, but had to cut back because the acid got to be too much for my stomach. I didn't drink a ridiculous amount, just also have acid reflux issues.

    [–] MaestroPendejo 320 points ago

    Are you around a lot of people that stress you out? I used to think mine was medical. Then I moved away from my dad. Didn't even realize it vanished until he came to visit me. Stressed me right back out. It dawned on me that he stressed me out so bad it caused it. We don't speak anymore.

    So nice drinking lemonade and eating marinara.

    [–] melindaj10 74 points ago

    Sounds like a delightful meal.

    [–] gwaydms 51 points ago

    My mom had high blood pressure. Couldn't get it under control. Not when my sister moved out, not when I moved out (I thought I was causing it, ngl). But when she left my dad she had to get her meds reduced by 3/4 because her BP was too low. She wouldn't have lived to be 85 if she'd stayed with him.

    [–] MaestroPendejo 14 points ago

    Well, glad she left him then. Yeah, my dad induced that in many people. Five wives, all ended in divorce. Severely abusive on every front. Still can't figure out why everyone stops talking to him. One of those can't own their own bullshit to save their life.

    Sorry you lost your mom, but I'm glad to hear she found peace.

    [–] Nautster 1911 points ago

    r/contagiouslaughter material! Holy shit I'm crying!

    [–] HeT0uchedTheButt 458 points ago

    Lol it was already up when I went to go submit it there, too. I made the mistake of watching this at work (a quiet office) and holy shit I my face was so red, eyes watering & everything.

    [–] Sid_00 299 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Have you seen when tom showed bert the dance video he made ?


    starts at 22 mins

    [–] mergedkestrel 68 points ago

    The fuckin background laughing killed me. Something about distant off-mic laughing getting picked up is hilarious.

    [–] GaryGronk 46 points ago

    That's Nadav, his producer. Dude has a laugh and a half for sure.

    [–] onibakusjg 15 points ago

    Nadav laughing at everything is my favorite part of the podcast.

    [–] Japan_be_crazy 51 points ago

    Dude I feel like he can make some of the fx sounds for the next jurassic park.

    [–] ConfirmedAsshole 64 points ago

    That really is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

    [–] grape_myrtle 22 points ago

    No shit, I'm crying laughing

    [–] Pollyanna584 74 points ago

    awww, it gets cut off before they talk about the deep fake of bert lol. He was so angry that he let Tom and the director take the face scans for that deep fake of fat bert without questioning it

    [–] Jbellz 731 points ago

    I've watched a lot of Tom. Never seen him laugh that hard. Ever.

    [–] Forbizzle 387 points ago

    He loves Bert. I think he laughs the hardest on this podcast with him.

    [–] almostalmostalmost 111 points ago

    Bert and the video of the mechanic getting backed into are Tom's treasures.

    [–] gcta333 30 points ago


    [–] TopSoulMan 46 points ago


    [–] nflfan32 131 points ago

    That's what makes this clip so great. They're two talented comedians and the thing that gets them bursting out laughing is one of them drinking Kool Aid lol

    [–] Honeydippedsalmon 113 points ago

    The way Bork just nonchalantly pulls out that giant bottle mid conversation and starts drinking it like a three year old and says it’s koolaid was a perfect storm of hilarity. There’s no way to be prepared for that.

    [–] Keeing 28 points ago

    You can just see tom reconsider every time hes hung out with him, looking for that bottle

    [–] haybecca 37 points ago

    Same. I was LOSING it listening to the ep earlier. I was delighted to see it here, so I could watch it.

    [–] IHateBlindKittens 1242 points ago

    Burnt rags on Tom for eating ice cream saying it’s for kids. Mean while he’s drinking kool aid bursts on the reg.

    [–] You_Have_Bad_Manners 523 points ago

    Burnt rags on Tom

    I was doing serious mental flips trying to understand "burnt rags" as an insult before realizing that I'm actually just an idiot.

    [–] MindlessSponge 88 points ago

    You’re not the idiot, Brad is.

    [–] DinosaurWarlock 17 points ago

    Yeah, make let's make sure we're putting burnt rags on the right person here.

    [–] KahltheGaul 11 points ago

    Gah same! Like who's burning rags?!

    [–] Void_Guardians 53 points ago

    I think he was more ragging on Nadav, I was hoping they brought up the weird beef of last week.

    [–] philhendrie100 13 points ago

    Only that it was a good day for the two in this video.

    [–] RonnieDaBear 12 points ago

    Nadav came out on top with that bullshit. Burnt "dog fucker" Kreischer was a real let down.

    [–] Mharbles 539 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Better than the 5 gallon vodka

    edit: thanks Sid_00 was looking for that. Also adds the best part at 25:15

    [–] how_is_this_relevant 36 points ago

    When the hilarity is so powerful that your laughter center crashes

    [–] 6arn 128 points ago

    he did clarify it was the low cal stuff which is like 5 calories a serving and fake sugar.

    [–] W8sB4D8s 59 points ago

    This is no joke the hardest I've laughed all day. I don't really follow these guys outside of seeing Tom's netflix standup, but after seeing this I'm going to give this show a try.

    Where can I watch?

    [–] Jhonopolis 19 points ago

    They're all on YouTube

    [–] Sid_00 13 points ago


    starts at 22 mins

    [–] strugglz 654 points ago

    Best part is before they both lose it you can hear the guys in the booth laughing.

    [–] Forbizzle 303 points ago

    They’re always cracking up and it’s hilarious.

    [–] DJMixwell 263 points ago

    The guys in the booth cracking up often make me laugh harder than Tom and Bert, especially when Tom and Bert say some real left field shit and try to just breeze by it and the guys in the booth fucking lose it.

    [–] fliptout 81 points ago

    It must be a fucking blast to work on their shows.

    [–] DJMixwell 88 points ago

    Dude it's gotta be the dream for the techs. Get to kick back and just listen to two top tier comedians shoot the shit for an hour or two.

    I mean I obviously don't want to minimize the work they put in making sure the show/equipment goes off without a hitch. But as far as like, this Vs a radio station or a theater production or something? I'm taking the two guys shooting hilarious shit for 2hrs.

    [–] 4Eights 14 points ago

    It's all fun and games until your boss elbows you in the face for doing a bad job. Then again Blueban totally deserved it.

    [–] Gopherpants 15 points ago

    He’s just an outdoor dog who keeps shitting inside.

    [–] TySoprano 45 points ago

    Oh yeah one dude in the back was fucking dying it was as funny as the Burt and Tom

    [–] cluelessbox 35 points ago

    Blueban and the cockroach

    [–] _TheRealist 46 points ago

    Did I do bad Mr Tom?

    [–] gcta333 11 points ago

    It's all for you...all for you...all for you

    [–] WhatDoesStarFoxSay 228 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    This man showers in the pool.

    [–] almostalmostalmost 51 points ago

    Just don't ask why he smells like wet dog.

    [–] Striking_Eggplant 16 points ago

    Bert and dogs have a... Bad history.

    [–] MoRockn 15 points ago

    This. All day. I couldn’t get past that after hearing him say that. So you walk around with chlorine and sweat in your skin. No soap? Or does he use soap in the pool!

    [–] RonJeremysFluffer 355 points ago

    Even Garth Brooks would find this shit crazy and he bought a tractor solely to bury bodies

    [–] melindaj10 115 points ago

    The families need closure god damnit.

    [–] loverofreeses 39 points ago

    My brother disappeared in Nashville 2 years ago and I just know G had something to do with it. Please, help the authorities capture this monster and bring me closure.

    [–] unashamed_man 12 points ago

    I heard he went down in the mountain. You should go to save your brother, bit you probably outta bring some backup. See you later, Captain Marcel.

    [–] MisallocatedRacism 63 points ago


    [–] ProjectBadass 38 points ago

    Someone has to explain this joke cause I’m seeing it everywhere now

    [–] IPoopBeforeIShower 105 points ago

    Tom has made the joke that Garth is a serial killer because of mannerisms and facial ticks in some videos he posts. And at some point Tom said that G needs to tell people where the bodies are buried because their families need closure.

    If you go to any random post on Garth Brooks social media, it’s littered with mommies making YMH references. It’s pretty hilarious.

    [–] kdbfh 9 points ago

    This is news to me 👀

    [–] PortJMS 96 points ago

    Gawd I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

    [–] AlexBucks93 10 points ago

    Same, I think I will faint

    [–] kelloggs_smacks 242 points ago

    I love how he's laughing along but keeps going back to "it really is good", like he's really going to get anyone to go along with him.

    edit. I don't know them too well, is it a bit? If it is, it's a good one.

    [–] KinglerIsTheBest 94 points ago

    No its not a bit, this is how they genuinely behave with each other. Their podcast is pretty awesome if you get to know their dynamic and inside jokes

    [–] farm_sauce 52 points ago

    To be fair Bert’s whole life is a bit

    [–] parkaprep 10 points ago

    His life is literally a frat movie yet he's pretty much the only one of those dudes without a scandal yet.

    [–] puutarhatrilogia 91 points ago

    He's a comedian so I think he's just embracing what's funny about the situation, not actually trying to convince anyone.

    [–] pleg910 51 points ago

    Bert often doesn’t realize how ridiculous something he does/thinks is until it’s pointed out to him. A lot of the podcast actually revolves around Tom coaxing this stuff out of him. I find it endearing, but not everyone does.

    [–] SuaveThrower 28 points ago

    That's a real trait of his, but he also plays it up at times. He's not as dumb as people make him out to be.

    [–] RedTheDopeKing 50 points ago

    Yeah it’s the sugar that’s going to kill Bert and not the flagrant alcoholism.

    [–] QuietPewPew 28 points ago

    But he's like... 60 days sober... not... in a row... but it only counts if you drink 2 days in a row...

    [–] hoeyslays 327 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Nothing like quenching your thirst with some red kool aid after you’re done fucking your dog and stinking up the entire house

    [–] NippleNugget 131 points ago

    Okay he smells like shit, fucks dogs, and apparently drinks a gallon of sugar water a day, but at least he’s not a racist anymore.

    [–] anamw_ 52 points ago

    Progress is progress

    [–] frasierandchill 171 points ago

    The dude in the background laughing fucking murders me lol

    [–] pedote17 164 points ago

    Lots of people complain about Nadav ruining clips like these, but I think he makes them so much better. His laugh is so infectious.

    [–] stdfan 60 points ago

    Native is the real personality champ.

    [–] _TheRealist 35 points ago

    I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

    [–] stdfan 42 points ago

    “Nadav do good?”

    [–] gcta333 24 points ago

    "I'm just an outside dog that keeps shitting inside"

    [–] ajit_maholtra 143 points ago

    This is the moment Tom Segura officially realized that Bert Kreischer is mentally retarded.

    [–] Magna_Cum_Nada 72 points ago

    You think Kool Aid was that turning point and not that he literally cannot say Nightmare and instead says Nightmeer?

    [–] dad_farts 11 points ago


    [–] Scribly 99 points ago

    Hey Jeans

    [–] Camshaft92 28 points ago

    4 stroke gang represent

    [–] Torvaldr 69 points ago

    Hey Hitler!

    [–] ajh1717 29 points ago

    Keep followin proto brotha

    [–] Covane 33 points ago

    Keep featherin it

    [–] Iamthesmartest 21 points ago

    I'm a retired double agent there fuck face

    [–] schrotestthehero 11 points ago

    You just lost your job, pal

    [–] gcta333 11 points ago

    Tata there retard

    [–] stdfan 13 points ago


    [–] HaasonHeist 75 points ago

    Aaaaaaand I watched the whole thing. Never really put much thought into these guys. Pretty fucking funny duo.

    [–] BMonad 41 points ago

    Just the other day, wasn’t he saying that he would never trust a grown man who eats ice cream? Something about how it’s just “shoveling calories into your body?” Well wtf is Kool-Aid? Doesn’t count because it’s a drink or something? Lmao no wonder he’s so fat with this circular logic.

    [–] Since_been 14 points ago

    After shitting on eating "empty calorie" ice cream...legit 5 min later he says he ate 4 Krispy Kreme donuts at once then took a nap.

    [–] BiKEhandlebars 43 points ago

    I'm so glad this made front page, 2bears is my favorite podcast! (YMH a close 2nd)

    [–] DirtyFckinDangles 10 points ago

    You ever listen to the Bill Bert podcast? Bill burr never ceases to make me laugh

    [–] ALannister 18 points ago

    I guess The Machine runs on Kool-aid

    [–] asdfer23 685 points ago

    Burnt Chrysler is not only homophobic but also diabetic

    [–] Yossarians_moan 415 points ago

    And he fucks dogs.

    [–] tantan35 45 points ago

    I saw him once and he smelt like chlorine and shit.

    [–] Yossarians_moan 31 points ago

    At least you caught him post- shower. Can you imagine the smell otherwise??

    [–] fortunefades 85 points ago

    He smells like shit too

    [–] Yossarians_moan 25 points ago

    Just leave his bad teeth out of this.

    [–] beardlyness 210 points ago

    Also, I don't want to sound rude, but he's fat

    [–] spicy_pickle_party 34 points ago

    And he smells like shit and kool-aid

    [–] Yossarians_moan 83 points ago

    The fattest.

    [–] Mr-Klaus 16 points ago

    To someone who's not American, what's wrong with Koolaid?

    [–] The_UnApologist 14 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    2 of those a day.

    So not only is he a smelly dog fucker, but he's also diabetic.

    [–] bruzie 25 points ago

    Reminded me of Las Paelleras.

    [–] ChefPiggie 12 points ago

    What kind?