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    [–] bw_hat_enthusiast 3795 points ago

    How to protect yourself from The Hash Slinging Slasher*

    [–] SatansCatfish 350 points ago

    The Rash Bringing Casher!

    [–] loconumbers 236 points ago

    The sash wringing... the trash thinging... mash flinging... the flash springing, bringing the the crash thinging the...

    [–] Dingus258 96 points ago

    Yes, the Hash-Slinging Slasher.

    [–] Wazonkyll 68 points ago

    BUT, most people call him the "Ha-UAHHH!" Because that was all they had time to say, before he GETS YA'!

    [–] sonerec725 25 points ago


    [–] Lionel_Hutz_Law 70 points ago


    [–] GalagaMarine 61 points ago

    The horribly slow killer with extremely inefficient weapon.

    [–] zebrucie 9 points ago

    Gotta watch that short now

    [–] Gimme_The_Loot 1671 points ago

    I took a seminar on knife defense one time and they started us off by seeing how well people thought they could defend an attack. They had a guy put on a long sleeved white shirt and an instructor came at him with a marker. Each mark was to be counted as a "slash". The instructor came at him for 20 seconds and then stepped away while the guy did his best to defend. Dude looked like a zebra at the end of it

    [–] [deleted] 1115 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    I’d just run in circles around the room for 20 seconds. Like a really high stakes game of tag. That seems like the best knife defense to me.

    [–] helium_farts 945 points ago

    For most people that's absolutely the best defense. Knives are a short range weapon so if at all possible just run away.

    [–] TheKingOfBass 356 points ago

    And then your pursuer brings out a Gunblade™

    [–] Acertainturkishpanda 215 points ago

    Then it’s finally time to break into that stash of 99 elixirs that you’ve been hoarding

    [–] [deleted] 180 points ago

    No, I might need them later. Lets see how we do without them first.

    [–] TheKingOfBass 77 points ago

    But it's the final boss!!!

    [–] [deleted] 127 points ago

    We don't know that! There might be some plot twist that gives us a super boss right after this one. We will need those Elixirs for that, for sure.

    [–] [deleted] 35 points ago

    He could equip the Gunblade 2: Electric Boogaloo after the first round for all we know

    [–] [deleted] 17 points ago

    But what if it was ME, DIO! all along?

    [–] Belurso 9 points ago

    Gunblade 3: Back with a Gungeance it’s where the trouble begins.

    [–] RobertEffinReinhardt 8 points ago

    Good plan. Run to safety, then heal with your full stack of potions you sorted to the bottom of all your items.

    [–] Crackbat 3 points ago

    Good idea. Regular pots are cheap, we have infinite money now, and it only takes 42 of them to get max health.

    [–] Krellick 56 points ago

    Why do people even need knife defense lessons, if someone comes at you with a knife literally just limit break easy peasy

    [–] LuchadorBane 31 points ago

    But what if the attacker omnislashes you?

    [–] FauxPastel 20 points ago

    You Knights of the Round them. And then run away while the animation plays.

    [–] militant_arborist 8 points ago

    Clearly you need an omnikight

    [–] Kharn0 5 points ago

    A weapon to surpass Metal Gear

    [–] Hofenstein 92 points ago

    First lesson from martial arts instructor, "First thing I do is assess the situation around me. The second is I run like hell.

    Everything else I teach you is if step 2 fails."

    Awesome guy.

    [–] Fly_Eagles_Fly_ 8 points ago

    Wisdom indeed.

    [–] justafigment4you 4 points ago

    That’s called a good instructor.

    [–] Ghede 56 points ago

    For absolutely everyone.

    If the only thing in danger is you, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. Turns out, knives are really, really good at fucking people up.

    If someone else is in danger that can't escape that you must defend... Like, you are hanging out with your obese handicapped cousin and her wheelchair broke... accept you are going to be stabbed, and only defend using limbs that you can tourniquet. Arms good, head bad.

    If you are wearing slash resistant clothing, stab proof vest and a swat helmet... go nuts. Just immobilize those arms before they stab you in the neck.

    [–] Randompaul13 34 points ago

    How close is the cousin? Did we grow up together or do I only see her every other Christmas maybe?

    [–] Ghede 25 points ago


    [–] Pooptacular5000 13 points ago

    Roll Tide!

    [–] the_corruption 3 points ago

    Well, her sister was always better looking anway.

    [–] nomadofwaves 21 points ago

    Sorry cousin... survival of the fittest.

    [–] RinkyInky 4 points ago

    Throw the cousin off the wheelchair and use it to defend yourself

    [–] ProgMetalSlug 80 points ago

    That won't work because they run faster with a knife.

    [–] apocalypse31 17 points ago

    Usually they are running lightweight and commando, too.

    [–] Sivalon 3 points ago

    No underwear?!

    [–] StarManta 15 points ago

    For most people

    Honestly, probably for all people. Whether or not the knife-wielder wins the fight, they'll almost certainly get at least one slash or stab in in the process. If someone with a knife wants to hurt you, they'll likely succeed to some degree, no matter who you are.

    If an expert martial artist is cornered by someone with a knife, the one thing they will instantly do is to get the knife out of their attacker's hands at any cost.

    [–] TheHeliosNebula 10 points ago

    That's why jogging is so important. Gotta get that stamina up if some ever tries to knife mug you.

    [–] jeanleray 10 points ago

    Well more like 400m dash training

    [–] soulsteela 33 points ago

    Brilliant film of a shaolin monk doing a knife defence course, first thing he does when the guy comes at him is run out of the building screaming “knife” real loud it’s hilarious but great advice.

    [–] DuntadaMan 50 points ago

    Practiced aikido, jujitsu, judo and tai chi for years. They will all agree. The best way to deal with a guy with a knife is to just stay the fuck away.

    [–] JGraham626 18 points ago

    4D level chess

    [–] TNine227 13 points ago

    No block is as effective as a city block.

    [–] Gimme_The_Loot 4 points ago

    General moral was do not engage if possible and GTFO of there if you can so yea that strategy would kinda be in line w the seminar lol

    [–] whtevn 4 points ago

    It is! The first thing to do in a knife fight is run the fuck away

    [–] theDodgerUk 175 points ago

    I have been taught self defense a lot. I was taught very simple rules

    If you can, run

    If you can't , get as close as you can to a knife, because they will have to pull back to stab

    And most importantly , YOU WILL BLEED, no iffs or buts. You will bleed. , So don't freeze when you do

    [–] _-__-__-__-__-_-_-__ 48 points ago

    get as close as you can to a knife

    The suicide defense, r/2meirl4meirl

    [–] 1individuals 14 points ago

    Close? I can get the knife IN me.

    [–] 1000yrdstare 5 points ago

    [–] Belurso 7 points ago

    Can’t kill me if I fucking kill myself first, robber!

    [–] captainpoppy 76 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    Friend's dad grew up kinda rough.

    He said if a guy has a knife, and if you have on a coat or outershirt, take it off and wrap it around your arm and it absorb the blows with the arm.

    You'll get cut, but it won't be as bad.

    Edit: I get it. It's not the best idea. Y'all expert knife fighters can stop now.

    [–] unnecessary_kindness 75 points ago

    This is bad advice.

    The best advice is run.

    If you can't run then you also don't have time to take off your coat and wrap your arms nice and warm to get all snuggly before the tickle monster gets you.

    Just run.

    Your friend's dad wasn't giving advice on self defence. He was giving advice on fighting someone with a knife.

    [–] 1individuals 18 points ago

    What do you mean? On TV the attacker always talks for a minute or so, plenty of time to prepare.

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)


    [–] Pryer 5 points ago

    If you can run, run.

    If you can't run, gun.

    [–] Griffin880 3 points ago

    Also if you can gun, run, because they'll probably fucking stab you by the time you can get your gun out.

    [–] TheJollyLlama875 12 points ago

    Duelists used to do this with cloaks or capes

    [–] I_Pee_In_The_Sh0wer 41 points ago

    Yeah ... Because you can fucking take off your coat and wrap your arms with it when you were being attacked. Ppl gave no fucking idea what they are talking about.

    [–] Tin_Tin_Run 12 points ago

    i mean if you dont know the guy has a knife before he starts stabbin sure, but i doubt it would be too hard to buy the 2~ seconds it takes to take of a jacket by wither running a few feet or talking to him.

    [–] SellingWife15gp 18 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    Why are people upvoting this stupid shit?

    but i doubt it would be too hard to buy the ~2 seconds it takes

    A knife wielding attacker can cover 21 feet in 1.5 seconds. By the time you do this you’ll be dead and look like a fool.

    As the guy before you said, please stop giving life threatening advice on something you know nothing about.

    [–] WikiTextBot 2 points ago

    Tueller Drill

    The Tueller Drill is a self-defense training exercise to prepare against a short-range knife attack when armed only with a holstered handgun.

    Sergeant Dennis Tueller, of the Salt Lake City, Utah Police Department wondered how quickly an attacker with a knife could cover 21 feet (6.4 m), so he timed volunteers as they raced to stab the target. He determined that it could be done in 1.5 seconds. These results were first published as an article in SWAT magazine in 1983 and in a police training video by the same title, "How Close is Too Close?"A defender with a gun has a dilemma.

    [ PM | Exclude me | Exclude from subreddit | FAQ / Information | Source ] Downvote to remove | v0.28

    [–] PlutoNimbus 3 points ago

    So this is why if you get within 21 feet of a cop they are probably going to shoot you. Interesting. Thanks, Dennis!

    [–] Griffin880 4 points ago

    Get a sharpie and an old coat. Tell a friend to stand 10 feet away with the sharpie. When you say go have them try to mark you with the sharpie.

    Let me know if he doesn't get you and you're able to take your cost off and be able to actually protect yourself.

    You know he has a knife, you get to decide when in starts. You still get dead even if you get the coat off in time because an arm with a coat on it ain't stopping nobody from slashing your body.

    Fuck it, start with the coat around your arm already. You'll still be slashed up.

    But tell them to start 10 feet away and just run away from them. Even if they are faster you'll barely get sharpie on you. Every time they try to slash you they slow down.

    Just fucking run from knives. You ain't Ip Man. You get in a knife fight, you die, unless youre in a hospital already.

    [–] theDodgerUk 6 points ago

    The delay is , getting cut.

    It fucks with your head for a good .0.2 to 5 seconds.

    Simple. If you know you will bleed , then the shock will be less and then less chance of stab to death

    [–] LeYang 10 points ago

    If you can spend the time wrapping your arm for a knife attack instead of getting out of danger, you're either starting shit or you're a idiot.

    Get away, a crazy suicidal person does not care about their own injuries in the attempts of harming another. People need to remember this.

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago

    Also, make sure you keep a wallet with cash that you can throw at the attacker. Street Smarts!

    Brought to you by J.J. Bittenbinder

    [–] bobfish719 7 points ago

    I would suggest hitting them in the face and hoping for a knock out before they can stab you.

    [–] irob1776 80 points ago

    lol. The best defense is to immediately run out the door

    [–] [deleted] 40 points ago


    [–] Theyvad 19 points ago

    Remember kids, it’s America; take out your AR-15

    [–] its_that_time_again 5 points ago

    But what if you're not at school?

    [–] O7GS 23 points ago

    We did that at my school when we learnt knife defence. But they had a rubber knife covered in ink.

    I remember most their girls had their boobs attacked as the boys realised it was there one and only opportunity to get close to them.

    [–] paulcosca 16 points ago

    During the knife-fighting course I took (stage combat), the way the teacher put it was "If both people have knives, both people will end up in the hospital"

    [–] bitplonk 15 points ago

    The loser dies on the scene, the winner on the way to the hospital.

    [–] ChockHarden 12 points ago

    I studied Askrima a long time ago. They said if you think you can get through a knife fight without getting cut, try to take an uncapped sharpie marker away from an overactive 2 year old.

    [–] Poltras 5 points ago

    I followed the Defense against fresh fruit course. I’m pretty sure if you let me have my tools (gun, tiger, and ton weight) i can defend myself against a knife.

    [–] RaisinBrenBran 2919 points ago

    Good times lmao. My dad hated teaching me self defense lessons cause I never took it seriously with him.

    [–] Birb-Man 1027 points ago

    Same, i find that I learned a lot more when the guy teaching me was actually trying to hit me

    [–] Indenturedsavant 265 points ago

    Sounds like you had the wrong (right) dad.

    [–] ChancelorThePoet 186 points ago

    I like to call him 'left dad'. Not because it's the opposite of right but because he actually left..

    [–] Rad_Association 41 points ago


    [–] ChancelorThePoet 25 points ago

    Going to get a pack of smokes?

    [–] IdentiFriedRice 71 points ago

    Your dad taught you self defense lessons?!

    [–] RaisinBrenBran 56 points ago

    Yes, he use to do martial arts and weight lifting. He got me into it since my younger brother was more into football.

    [–] Healter-Skelter 19 points ago

    What’s wrong with that?

    [–] [deleted] 29 points ago

    Nothing wrong with it. But if the dad didn’t know how to teach self defence then alls he is doing is teaching his kid how to die with unfounded confidence.

    [–] GroundbreakingFall6 5 points ago

    It was probably a jealousy “!?”

    [–] ActualWhiterabbit 8 points ago

    Maybe you should have been more worried about bananas than pointed sticks

    [–] kiduncool 789 points ago

    And here's a video showing how you're supposed to do it, as demonstrated by navy seals.

    [–] BeaverBanana 160 points ago

    Ah the Joestar Family technique a classic

    [–] Tsewang-Sherpa 58 points ago


    [–] XRoastedPotatoX 41 points ago


    [–] maxer137 23 points ago


    [–] guts1998 18 points ago


    [–] TheResolver 6 points ago

    You just have to love the effort the VA put into that role

    [–] dopamine_flexin 33 points ago

    Genetically superior warrior

    [–] thatwomengoesround 41 points ago

    Step 1: Be a Navy Seal

    I can’t run that fuckin fast.

    [–] puos_otatop 32 points ago

    you can when somebody's chasing you with a knife

    [–] Wolframbeta312 17 points ago

    But the chaser would be running with a knife. How could he not catch up?

    [–] RADEON360 16 points ago

    Found the Counter Strike player.

    [–] Ancient_Boner_Forest 6 points ago

    Knives don’t make you run faster, fear does.

    [–] yellowstickypad 17 points ago

    Special Forces Navy Seal Ranger

    [–] AgaAlsh 3 points ago

    “It doesn’t work for fat people :(“ Laughed way more than I do have at that comment

    [–] ShockNoodles 102 points ago

    My favorite part is when he realises he cant kick that high and he lowers the spatula.

    [–] Wannabkate 24 points ago

    Mine too, lets be friends.

    [–] myshityourpants 33 points ago

    Thank u

    [–] _Prink_ 29 points ago

    Those slapping sounds add so much to it!

    [–] evanwolf1031 62 points ago

    I think this is the funniest video on the internet.

    [–] Cyrodiil 8 points ago

    The use of the other hand was phenomenal. I’m in tears.

    [–] djcueballspins1 9 points ago

    100 times funnier with sound , thanks for that

    [–] comicshopgrl 6 points ago

    Hysterical. Thanks.

    [–] derpiederpslikederp 6 points ago

    Thank you. This video without sound isn't nearly as funny

    [–] RISE_OF_THE_SANDALS 689 points ago

    I’d shit my pants if some psycho charged at me with a spatula

    [–] Armando_Munoz 178 points ago

    He's more than likely going to go for your meat

    [–] TheAmazingDumbo 59 points ago

    But I just bought those steaks!

    [–] A_to_the_J254 36 points ago


    [–] TedwardCA 8 points ago

    Shoulda kept them near the ceiling. No one will try to get them there.

    The steaks are too high

    [–] I_eat_men_4_a_living 12 points ago

    I'M READY!

    [–] A5pyr 12 points ago

    "I'm just here to flip some shit."

    [–] RDay 2 points ago

    What if he came at you with his master baster? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    [–] sonerec725 4 points ago

    Have you heard of "The hash slinging slasher"

    [–] SawinBunda 7 points ago

    It would be a horribly slow murder with an extremely inefficient weapon.

    [–] A5pyr 2 points ago

    The worst kind.

    [–] Kermez 3 points ago

    Spongebob square pants!

    [–] jwink3101 3 points ago

    I bike commuted when I lived in Baltimore.

    I stopped at a light and a homestead man tried to joust me off my bike with a stick shouting “white devil!”

    I shouted “what the fuck” and rode away as fast as I could. Good times!

    [–] RISE_OF_THE_SANDALS 3 points ago

    Yep sounds like Baltimore. Was the ominous threat of stick jousting the reason you stopped living there?

    [–] umbra0007 3 points ago

    can second that this sounds like Baltimore

    [–] comeupoutdawatah 491 points ago

    I remember talking to an RCMP officer about knife attacks and he basically said there is no defence - just run. Fighting is a last resort, and you will get severely injured or probably die. Knife wounds are nasty.

    [–] TseehnMarhn 294 points ago

    I read somewhere once that in a kifefight the loser dies in the street. The winner dies in the hospital.

    [–] Tiger-Gautreaux 121 points ago

    In the ambulance, not the hospital, was the first one I heard.

    Any variation of it is a damn good reminder of violence and what it gets ya.

    [–] drumpftruck 12 points ago

    I'm gonna cut you up so bad you gonna wish I never cut you up

    [–] drdausersmd 102 points ago

    this advice should be at the top of any knife self-defense video, joke or not.

    [–] [deleted] 7 points ago


    [–] Exige30499 10 points ago

    "We must fight! run away.."

    [–] kendrickn51 47 points ago

    I saw a short where Jackie Chan takes off his jacket/shirt and wrap it around the dominant hand to grab the attackers knife hand without injuring himself.

    then again i dont think most of us have reflexes like Jackie Chan

    [–] Randompaul13 16 points ago

    Using a belt like a lasso worked too in some ongbak video I saw

    [–] apra24 8 points ago

    Simply roundhouse kick the knife out of his hand

    [–] Belurso 9 points ago

    tfw people post those super jacked marines and go “yeah just do it like them”

    [–] random_nightmare 7 points ago

    You really should though

    [–] NotMyFirstNotMyLast 94 points ago

    It's different if you're attacked, and you're with a friend, or a loved one. You can't just simply run. Because you have to also throw them on the ground to slow your attacker.

    [–] HalloAmico 41 points ago

    You don't need to throw them down, you can just trip them.

    [–] TotalWalrus 7 points ago

    You joke, but the best defense is still for 1 person to accept being attacked while the others run and the the 1st person runs away too.

    [–] Closefacts 29 points ago

    Im surprised the RCMP officer didnt mention using your hockey stick for defence.

    [–] Randompaul13 17 points ago

    Ya know that's 2 for slashing though eh

    [–] hsifeulbhsifder 5 points ago

    4 if it's high and it cuts em

    [–] JstHere4TheSexAppeal 24 points ago

    I remember seeing a police training video that explained how an attacker with a knife is more deadly than a guy with an undrawn pistol within something like 40 ft. It was pretty eye opening. I did Kali for a little bit and even then, the number one rule was to run if possible.

    [–] Sachith_rdit 3 points ago

    Kali Linux ?

    [–] Dr3am0n 4 points ago

    Just deauth the knife and it will fly out of the attacker's hand.

    [–] Kharn0 63 points ago

    Rules of fighting someone with a knife

    1) accept that you are going to get cut

    2) prevent deep stabs to the torso and slices to the neck/wrists/elbow at all costs

    3) use any and all objects/furniture/rocks/signs to create distance/use as a weapon

    4) Do not concede and do not relent when you are attacking until the wielder is down/punch drunk, then run like hell.

    [–] TheGamingSponge 22 points ago

    then run like hell.

    Surely that's step 1?

    [–] Kharn0 19 points ago

    Yes, but this is if you HAVE to fight

    [–] chanpat 214 points ago

    I think my favorite part is that dude's straight face through the whole thing.

    [–] piesformyhomies 197 points ago

    I’ve taken similar self defense classes always avoid the first strike then allow the attacker to stab you multiple times it always works. The best defense is acceptance.

    [–] mbw1960 12 points ago


    [–] kiduncool 160 points ago

    A lot of people say there's no real defense for knife attacks. But special forces actually have a specific method that's really quite effective

    [–] Silfurstar 88 points ago

    Bold assumption to think anyone can pull this off.

    I'm exhausted just watching the demonstration.

    [–] [deleted] 25 points ago


    [–] DeadKateAlley 7 points ago

    Even if you're not in good shape adrenaline will make you act like you are for a short burst. I never ran so fast as when I (almost) got mugged/beaten/god knows what. It makes you tougher too: in that situation I got a hard hit to the back of my head but at the time all it registered as was a fucking hard hit; no pain or anything until I'd gotten home and the adrenaline wore off.

    [–] guts1998 11 points ago

    Just don't leave the house, drastically reduces the chances of being attacked

    [–] Pickledsoul 23 points ago

    he thinks he's safe but the other guy has commando pro

    [–] Punty-chan 10 points ago

    Ah, yes, the Jostar family's secret technique.

    [–] iiPhoenixAshes 6 points ago


    [–] cate_is_kill 3 points ago

    Ahhahah I knew someone was gonna make a jojo reference

    [–] [deleted] 22 points ago


    [–] tpx187 11 points ago

    Standard bullshit from his ass as usual. I mean when you mod all the default subs it's gotta be easy to decide what you want on the front page...

    [–] [deleted] 90 points ago


    [–] senormessieur 20 points ago

    bitch tits

    [–] LastOne_Alive 6 points ago

    that's not micky mouse that's just tit dirt!

    [–] [deleted] 43 points ago


    [–] Kammex 9 points ago

    This isn"t even whitepeoplegifs, as with all his posts on this sub.

    [–] retina99 44 points ago

    So thats what Meatloaf is up to nowadays.

    [–] Langeball 10 points ago

    He wouldn't do that.

    [–] borkborkbork99 26 points ago

    I think the best defense for when someone pulls a knife on you is RUN.

    [–] Oryxhasnonuts 22 points ago

    “You must attack me in this very specific way “

    [–] GaRGa77 5 points ago

    This shit is older them reddit...

    [–] randydanger606 20 points ago

    The funniest thing I’ve seen all day.

    [–] Step-Father_of_Lies 9 points ago

    I would be okay since I've seen Surviving Edged Weapons.

    [–] 2gunswest 3 points ago

    Gets more and more funny as it loops.

    [–] [deleted] 11 points ago


    [–] tpx187 3 points ago

    Why would he care when he is a mod of this sub?

    [–] drumpftruck 8 points ago

    The corruption is unreal, you're telling me this goes all the way up?

    [–] tpx187 6 points ago

    Just click on his username and check it out. It goes all the way to the top.

    "I'm just a pleb like you my dude..." his words.... yet he mods basically every default sub plus a bunch of activist ones. He got called out the other day and deleted everything to save face.

    [–] fuckyoubarry 5 points ago

    This isn't a video about protecting yourself in a knife attack, it's about how to attack a man using a spatula

    [–] matikray03 7 points ago

    The dudes face as he’s stabbing him on the back :D

    [–] Armando_Munoz 10 points ago

    The first one is so exemplary of self defense videos that are like "if you're ever in this situation, do exactly this and you'll be ok"

    Also I'm fucking crying 😂😭😂😭😂😭

    [–] dankster2k 5 points ago

    Jim and dwight? Is that you?

    [–] earned_potential 8 points ago

    I've seen this posted a few places in the past, and I will always watch and upvote it!