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    [–] Anguished mother dog wails for wounded baby. Sweetest reunion! CaptainFunktastic 2 points ago in videos

    Someone PLEASE PLEASE tell me how some broke as fuck dude in BFE Kansas get move over there and help them. I need to do this!

    [–] Holy S**t 😳 CaptainFunktastic 4 points ago in funny

    They are in either some kind of "zoo", or they are being farmed.

    [–] Beds with no people. People with no beds. CaptainFunktastic 2 points ago in pics

    No, that sounds like absolutely shit planning on the restaurants part, or, an inability to adapt.

    [–] Beds with no people. People with no beds. CaptainFunktastic 3 points ago in pics

    That is precisely the point of the song. Exactly everything that is talked about is the result of poor planning and bad decisions. The irony of the song is that exactly nothing in it is ironic.

    [–] [Mass Effect] Why are the Elevators so slow? CaptainFunktastic 1 points ago in AskScienceFiction

    The actual "real-world" explanation for the slow elevators is that they act as loading screens.

    [–] Union Pacific lays off cancer patient CaptainFunktastic 6 points ago * (lasted edited 2 days ago) in recruitinghell

    I'll break it down as best I can given what I've heard.

    The conservative-right, who acts as the opposition in all things universal, is incapable of looking at anyone as anything other than a bank account with a face. If you don't make money, if you don't work, you don't get anything. Notice I said "don't". Not "Can't". They don't believe in can't, unless it's a War Vet, then they've earned the right to "can't".

    The basic premise is: My money, my family, my needs, my decision. It is, in no way, my obligation to directly pay for, or subsidize your income, health care, child care, food, or life in general; and any aspect of those things that you need assistance with is your fault. My taxes should go where I see fit, and I don't see my taxes being fit to spend on anything that doesn't directly benefit me or mine, or, doesn't directly oppose the things I don't agree with.

    The second level is: Any time you bring up universal anything, the first and only question the opposition has is: "Who's gonna pay for it?" When what they mean to ask is "Who's gonna get paid for it." Through the eyes of the conservative, the only thing that matters is money, and since no one is directly making a profit off of universal-whatever, it's criminal. They'll tell you that if no one is making money, yet money is magically being given to someone (who they may, or may not, deem unworthy), it must be getting taken from someone else, and that is theft, and that is illegal.

    The third level is purely politics. It doesn't matter what suggestion is made, if it is made by a Democrat or a liberal, it must be contained, sequestered, and removed, if for no other reason, than because it wasn't made by a Republican.

    The fourth level is racial. The vast majority of Conservative-Republicans are one of two things. Well-to-do, upper crust white people or, blue collar, day-to-day white people. Both of whom despise, albeit (for the most part) in secret, other races. They hate them because that's what they've been trained to do. Fox news, or the New Yorker or Alex Jones all give some variation on the same concept. White is right. The black people want to steal your shit, while the brown people want to steal your job, and both want to steal your daughter. And so, in opposition to this perceived threat those white people in power enact laws and policies with the direct objective of keeping everyone who isn't white down. How? Opposing the following:

    • Universal Incoming. Which will give them the ability to claw their way out of poverty.

    • Universal Healthcare, which will give them the ability to stay alive.

    • Universal Education, which will give them the ability to usurp their power.

    The Fifth level is old world prejudice and paranoia. Anytime someone suggests a means by which the poor and the unclean can advance without cost, it's called "Communism". They believe that when the mud-people get the jobs and the power, the US will become China overnight.

    [–] Nice CaptainFunktastic 9 points ago in funny

    The definition of Verbal Abuse is as follows:

    Verbal abuse (verbal attack or verbal assault) is when a person forcefully criticizes, insults, or denounces someone else. Characterized by underlying anger and hostility, it is a destructive form of communication intended to harm the self-concept of the other person and produce negative emotions. Verbal abuse is a mal-adaptive mechanism that anyone can display occasionally, such as during times of high stress or physical discomfort. For some people, it is a pattern of behaviors used intentionally to control or manipulate others or to get revenge.

    Telling someone to "fuck off" does not, by definition, count as verbal abuse. For several reasons:

    A: It isn't a criticism

    B: It isn't an insult

    C: It isn't denouncing

    D: In the image provided, it's obvious that guy in the porta-john wasn't angry or hostile. Just rude.

    E: It won't harm the self-concept of the operator of the digger; nor will it cause said operator to feel negative emotions

    F: The owner of the truck was not in a high stress environment, nor was he feeling any level of physical discomfort. He was being a dick.

    And since "fuck" doesn't fit the legal definition of being hostile, the phrase "fuck off" isn't considered verbal assault.

    The driver of the truck was being a dick, which isn't a crime. His "comeuppance" is being locked in a unsanitary, extremely hot container for an indeterminate amount of time against his will. Which could result in all manor of illnesses. The operator of the digger committed a crime.

    [–] What do you think Michelle/MJ’s future in the Spider-Man movies is gonna be like? CaptainFunktastic 4 points ago in marvelstudios

    I'd loved to see him handle a love triangle with her and Felicia Hardy. We've yet to get an on-screen version of her, and I think it would good. Someone who can help and/or hinder him while he fights whomever is in number three.

    [–] This is science CaptainFunktastic 11 points ago in Marblelympics

    I usually say its just a guilty pleasure and that if they don't understand it it's cool. They don't have to.

    [–] 500IQ CaptainFunktastic 7 points ago in funny

    Also because paper doesn't conduct electricity all that well.

    [–] I laughed a lot harder at this than I should have. CaptainFunktastic 3 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago) in funny

    /u/Ironforce89 is right, but that melody was originally used in the Monkey Island ost. In fact, its the Theme!

    I stand corrected, further research suggests it's, in fact, the other way around. The Original song this was based off of Nik Kershaws "The Riddle" debuted in 1984, while Monkey Island was released in 1990. Oops.

    [–] Sweaty palms CaptainFunktastic -2 points ago in WTF

    If he tried that in the Midwest he'd get a face full of F150 door in no time.

    [–] Before And after marriage CaptainFunktastic 4 points ago in funny

    I prefer the term Freedom-Flap.

    [–] Surely this is set up? CaptainFunktastic 1 points ago in funny

    As if that's somehow the people's problem. The people pay taxes, that is the entirety of their obligation. Nowhere is it written that we are, as a people, obligated to personally fund any government organization. Tickets are absolute bullshit.

    [–] Someone lied on their resume CaptainFunktastic 136 points ago in WTF

    I wouldn't say its southern politics, as much as its police politics. That helicopter is a Bell TH-607, which is a variant of the Bell 206, which retails for between $900k and $1.2M.

    That's all tax money, and do you really think the LRPD wants to go before the people of Little Rock and say "Yea ... listen we uh ... Ted messed up. You know, like we all do... He, uh, he tried to take off in our chase copter and he uh ... * clears throat* Well, let's just say there was some wind ... and a loss of control ... and really, that's all we know at this point. Anyway, can we have a cool mill for another one?"

    [–] Gator vs Watermelon CaptainFunktastic 68 points ago in WTF

    They have insane amounts of crush strength with their jaws but almost zero lifting strength. It's entirely possible, though extremely unadvised, for the average person to keep a gators mouth closed with your bare hands.

    In fact, that's how they are transported. Someone jumps on their back and holds their mouth closed while someone else duct tapes it.