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    [–] [646] Voices Dpate10 1 points ago in DestructiveReaders

    Yeah, I definitely agree that the graphic turn is quite abrupt. I did notice that when writing and am planning on making the story longer.

    The voices aren't meant to be hallucinations, they're just the protagonist convincing himself that there is something very wrong with him. The reason it's happening now is because he's alone in his room consumed by his thoughts. So, when he went to the doctors, he would've just told them that he was experiencing a sort of numbness.

    I remember going to the ER and telling the doctors I had pain all over my body and a sort of numbness. All they did was give me a standard exam which included checking my pulse and blood pressure, a blood and urine test, and a basic neurological test which just involved me doing certain things with my body. The pain was still there a few days later, which resulted in me going back to the ER, and they kept on doing the same tests and telling me I was absolutely fine. Maybe I should include the neurological test in the story.

    Thanks for your feedback.

    [–] [755] They Who Keep The Sky Dpate10 1 points ago * (lasted edited 2 days ago) in DestructiveReaders

    I have a hard time really caring about anything that's going on. The main character feels like a blank-slate. He doesn't seem to have any emotions either. Is there a reason why he doesn't have much of a reaction to all the screaming, people being eaten alive, and especially his burning, dying wife? Delve into his mind! I want to know what he thinks about everything that's going on. An event like this would completely destroy the mind of an individual. This is especially important when you're writing something from the first person perspective. Maybe you're going for a sort of shock-state, where the character just doesn't know how to react, but if that's the case, it doesn't come across well.

    The character doesn't go through anything. In a story, especially where something extremely traumatic occurs, drastic changes should be happening to the character. By the end of the story, it doesn't feel like he's been affected that much. I would suggest reading some stories that delve into the mind, like psychological horror or something.

    This might be hard, but try to put yourself in the character's situation. How would you feel if the air was filled with screams of agony? How would you feel if you saw someone you loved or cared about burning alive, seeing their flesh blacken like meat on a barbecue? That would be an absolute nightmare! Maybe you could even do some research on people that have actually been through traumatic events.

    I do think you have a talent for descriptions though. But, yeah, you definitely need to take a deep dive into the character's psyche.

    I'm not sure if this is just me, but I don't really understand what the dream is supposed to mean. I'd love for you to explain it.

    >The vultures were preparing to attack again. **I first saw them while dragging myself out of the plane wreckage, flying above the boiling smog ** created by metal laid smoking on the ground and trees rippling with flames

    Who's flying above the boiling smog? The main character or the vultures? Of course, most people would know what you mean, but grammatically speaking it can result in confusion.

    > even if only in the mask death used her face to wear

    I find this sentence to be confusing. Maybe just simplify it.

    Also, I think you should go into more detail about the character's injured leg. As is, I don't really have much of a picture. I've been reading Misery by Stephen King and the detail he goes into about the pain of the character after his car crash is spectacular. Give us more of an image in our head, something really horrific.

    Final thoughts: I think the writing itself is very good and I like the detail. I think it was very interesting for the vultures to be such a big part of the story. Maybe you could go more into their significance? But most importantly, you really need to give us insight into the characters' psyche and how this horrific event absolutely fucks his mind.

    [–] [Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing Dpate10 1 points ago in writing

    Title: No title yet

    Genre: Psychological Horror

    Wordcount: 650 words so far

    Description: A mentally unstable individual begins to believe the doctors are lying to him about his health.

    Feedback: General Feedback


    [–] This is the beginning of a horror-ish short story I'm writing about a mentally unstable hypochondriac (269 words so far). Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Dpate10 2 points ago in writers

    I have hypochondria and this is exactly how I became in one of my episodes (to a lesser extreme). I would start believing the doctors were lying to me and stuff like that.

    And the main character isn't hallucinating. The eye twitch and smile did happen, but he's just blowing these things out of proportion.

    But anyway, I guess he could be dealing with multiple mental disorders instead of just hypochondria.

    What did you think of the writing itself? Is it well written?

    Thanks for your feedback.

    [–] [Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing Dpate10 1 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago) in writing

    1. The narrator is supposed to be fairly young. But anyway, why is his use of "what the hell" contradictory? Both young and old people, and smart and dumb people, use that phrase.

    2. Could you mention these things? It would help a lot.

    3. Would it be better if I wrote him walking out of the cave?

    4. Okay, I think I should give you a bit of information on what the story means:

    The island is an allegory for someone's comfort zone, and the old man represents that voice within you that tells you to make a change or else your life might not end up the way you want it.

    If the character stays on the island forever, he'll just end up becoming a sad old man. So, the old man is a possible future version of the character, and the part of his mind that wants to leave the island.

    I've got a bit of a Fight Club thing going on, where the main character is fighting between two parts of his mind -- the one that wants to stay in the comfort zone and the one that wants to leave.

    When he says "I am the old man", that's him realizing the truth and siding with the part that wants to leave the island.

    And he only appears old in the dream, that's why he says "my face is the same as before I went to sleep" when he wakes up.

    Thanks for your help.

    Edit: added words

    [–] [Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing Dpate10 1 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago) in writing

    Title: Across the Sea

    Genre: Character-driven, with some mystery

    Wordcount: 1056 (not completed yet)

    Feedback Desired: General Feedback


    [–] Here's a short story I wrote (only 310 words). Looking for any sort of feedback. Be as harsh as you can if needed. Dpate10 1 points ago in writers

    What about something like The Tell-Tale Heart? Nothing progresses with the character, he's just crazy from the start. Is the difference simply that we know he's someone who's crazy? So, with my story, if I showed that the character is someone who's always struggled with anxiety ("the mind was the greatest monster of all") would that make it feel more like a story?