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    elliethegreat

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    [–] How does a man increase his emotional intelligence? elliethegreat 1 points ago in AskMen

    I'd look into some Dialectical Behaviour Therapy stuff. Some of the skills (wise mind, emotional regulation) would carry over nicely into what you're looking for.

    [–] My [23M] girlfriend [22F] choked me out last night on accident while we were messing around and I don't know how to handle the situation. elliethegreat 2 points ago in relationship_advice

    Anger is a super common panic response though. It's the fight in the fight and flight. Not saying there aren't insecurities at play, but the anger in of itself doesn't seem weird.

    [–] My [23M] girlfriend [22F] choked me out last night on accident while we were messing around and I don't know how to handle the situation. elliethegreat 2 points ago in relationship_advice

    That's not really consistent with BJJ culture, we use it to play all the time. The fun thing about jiu-jitsu is that you can scale intensity for the situation - you can go light when playing with kids or even pets and go HAM with specific training partners or when your life is in danger. So to me, the problem is less that she used her BJJ, it's more that she used the wrong intensity for the situation. Yes, she was monumentally stupid (you don't just choke non-consenting people who don't train, that's bad). But it's not a "how dare you use your training outside of the gym" kind of situation.

    [–] 6'5" of hot...Armie Hammer elliethegreat 21 points ago in LadyBoners

    actually picturing real present-day RBG climbing Armie Hammer and my brain is super confused.

    [–] This is why I hate romcoms elliethegreat 256 points ago in TrollXChromosomes

    AND, Amy and Jake influence each other in really healthy and interesting ways. Like, Jake starts caring more about his health and Amy relaxes a bit (and ups her game with the pop culture references). But it's clear that it comes from a place of loving each other and respecting each others opinion.

    [–] AITA for deleting my moms Facebook posts? elliethegreat 1 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    yeah, I'm not seeing the 'narcissist' label (yet) or the pattern of behaviour. Yes, there were repeated posts but for the narcissist label to stick I'd expect a. the pattern of behaviour to extend over a greater length of time, and b. involve other aspects of her life beyond 'makes ill-advised posts on facebook'.

    End of the day, calling people narcissists is a trend that is actually diluting the meaning of the word. And throwing out that label in this context is premature and ignorant.

    [–] Made a post on another subreddit about almost being sexually assaulted and it’s made me realize how real victim blaming is. elliethegreat 1 points ago in TwoXChromosomes

    A lot of your language implies it. And there was a lot of that rhetoric on the original thread, which you chalked up to OP being mad people weren't validating her.

    [–] Made a post on another subreddit about almost being sexually assaulted and it’s made me realize how real victim blaming is. elliethegreat 12 points ago in TwoXChromosomes

    I don't really see what OP being drunk has to do with this. She was was groped despite telling the person 'no'. What aspect of her "drunken actions" is she specifically responsible for? Not being able to stop someone from assaulting her? Cause buddy, lots of sober people are sexually assaulted every day.

    [–] Made a post on another subreddit about almost being sexually assaulted and it’s made me realize how real victim blaming is. elliethegreat 4 points ago in TwoXChromosomes

    Wait... do you actually think you were being helpful? Honestly, I find that idea more alarming than if you were intentionally trying to be an asshole.

    Yes, there are decisions that increase or decrease your risk of bad things happening, and a conversation about that (with someone who knows and trusts her) would not be amiss later on down the road.

    But responding to disclosures of sexual assault with "you're a bad drunk slutty girlfriend" rhetoric is *not* helpful. Especially when she is coming asking about advice on a *specific* question. Yes, there is more than one issue here but there is only one she is specifically asking about.

    [–] Made a post on another subreddit about almost being sexually assaulted and it’s made me realize how real victim blaming is. elliethegreat 11 points ago in TwoXChromosomes

    And preferably a chaperone from a male family member.

    But seriously, I'm sorry you had that happen to you and this was the response you got. It was not your fault.

    I have a ton of respect for how you're handling it and I hope you have a supportive circle who can help get you through it.

    [–] Made a post on another subreddit about almost being sexually assaulted and it’s made me realize how real victim blaming is. elliethegreat 10 points ago in TwoXChromosomes

    The disagreement was less an issue than the fact that their disagreement was based in sexist, victim blamey bullshit. And even if they were going to express those views, there's such a thing as timing and tact.

    "Hey, I was sexually assaulted and don't know how to tell my boyfriend" "Well you shouldn't have gotten so drunk, you're a bad girlfriend and decision maker". ...dude.

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 4 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    Then, from my perspective, the religion is transphobic and we are back to square one.

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 4 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    Like I said before, there's a lot of islamic cultures who are surprisingly ok with the trans community (especially considering how many are totally not ok with same-sex attraction).

    But not letting that sidetrack us from your original point, it depends on how you define asshole and islamophobic. It's probably inaccurate to call it an asshole religion in its entirety, but there are definitely asshole aspects to it that are 100% ok to take issue with. Basically, I don't care what religion you are, it is asshole behaviour to be transphobic, homophobic, sexist, or racist. Your religion doesn't excuse any of that or free you from criticism. This goes for anyone, not just muslims (I know just as many transphobic Christians and Atheists).

    *However*, I'm also not a fan of just labelling someone garbage and throwing them away. IMO you can criticize behaviour while recognizing the multifaceted aspects of a person. The exception to this are people who are personally impacted by the hateful behaviour. For example, I'm not going to tell a trans person to try to be understanding of transphobic people because that's just shitty.

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 0 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    Whoops, I totally misread transethics. I'm a little sleep deprived at the moment (that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it ;) ). As for 'you guys', I want to clarify that I'm cis (not trans). I'm queer (bisexual) so I'm tangentially related to the culture but I also work in a very social-justice oriented field. So I've learned the terminology just by being around.
    As for sources of education, /r/asktransgender and /r/transpositive are both great places to start. Reading their stories, the language they use, and their understanding of stuff is really helpful. If after a while you have some questions, some people on there may be able to point you in the right direction for further education.

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 20 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    Protection legally or from criticism? I'll entertain arguments about legal protection (although I am unconvinced). But if your religion is transphobic it is an asshole religion.

    [–] Happy Monday/April fools day! elliethegreat 7 points ago in socialwork

    And then when you're at work and they aren't coming in you get suspicious.

    To quote John Mulaney, "Something happened there. You hope it was a miracle! But probably not."

    [–] AITA for deleting my moms Facebook posts? elliethegreat 5 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    But you do need a persistent pattern beyond one incident of asshole behaviour (during an emotionally fraught time no less).

    [–] AITA for deleting my moms Facebook posts? elliethegreat 10 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    Especially since your daughter being hospitalized for anorexia is devastating. I mean, obviously not the extent that it's devastating to *be* a teenager in the hospital for an eating disorder, but most people aren't thinking clearly and are prone to making rash, emotional decisions. What she did isn't ok and it was an asshole thing to do, but I can empathize with trying to seek support wherever you can find it.

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 18 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    I'll admit, I am not an Islamic scholar but to me that seems like a stretch especially since if he's on hormones (which we aren't going to ask, cause it's not our business), he has male hormones.

    End of the day, despite whatever mental gymnastics people do, intentional failure to recognize someone as their preferred gender is transphobic. OP is being transphobic by referring to him as a 'male passing woman', talking about cutting a *woman's* hair , and using she/her pronouns.

    And being transphobic (in the absence of making a conscious and dedicated effort to correct it) is asshole behaviour.

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 25 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    Honestly, I highly doubt he asked the man whether or not he had surgery and if he did, we have a whole new host of issues to unpack cause that is hella rude. Trans people's medical information (whether they are on hormones, had surgery, or anything else) is private medical information. And none of a stranger's business.

    If a person identifies as a man, they are a man. If they identify as a woman, they are a woman. Intentional failure to recognize their gender (regardless of hormones or surgery) is transphobic. And being transphobic makes you an asshole.

    (Note: gender =/= sex. Gender - psychosocial, man/woman. Sex = biological, male/female. And before saying it's about sex and not gender, ask yourself whether he would be comfortable cutting a trans woman's hair).

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 1 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    I definitely recognize the frustration with being unfamiliar with the nomenclature and how anxiety provoking that can be. From the other perspective, it can be really difficult to differentiate between 'this is the language I am using because I am misinformed but trying' and 'this is the language I am using because IDGAF or am actively trying to be hurtful'. This is especially true for people who actually identify as being trans. Many people assume that if you actually want to be an ally, you will take the time to educate yourself on the appropriate language. If you get called out for saying something unintentionally ignorant, a sincere apology and asking about preferred language goes a long way.

    (Also, do you mean trans-ethnic as in "raised in a different culture" way or in a Rachel Dolezal way? Because the latter isn't actually a thing).

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 56 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    He called the person a "male-passing woman" and mentioned that the person called him transphobic when he said he could not cut their hair. This suggests the person who was requesting the haircut is a trans man, aka a man.

    It is transphobic if he (or his religion) does not recognize trans men as men.

    [–] AITA for not cutting a customer's hair? (I'm a barber) elliethegreat 20 points ago in AmItheAsshole

    I highly doubt he would be willing to cut a trans woman's hair if the shoe was on the other foot. Also, many islamic cultures are surprisingly accepting of being trans.