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    [–] Advice Needed: Sister Ignores my Husband because of "PDA" exscapegoat 21 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    Well, it would make sense if they have designated you as the one to take care of your parents, they may try to drive you away from him. Because if you're single, you can serve them better (sarcasm).

    And if you both want kids, that takes away from your indentured servitude towards mom and dad.

    [–] I (19f) wish I could have parents. exscapegoat 1 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    It's normal to want and grieve for parents. Your life donors are incapable and/or unwilling to fill that role.

    Even if your grandparents aren't close by, reach out to them and Facetime or Skype with them. You may meet people at work, friends and neighbors who can be honorary moms and dads.

    Most importantly, we can "re-parent" ourselves. My therapist refers to this as there is "little [my real name]" who's still there. She didn't get proper parenting and I can parent her and give her and myself what she needs. I generally don't disassociate, so this isn't a literal little or other personality. It's about giving myself the nurturing and direction and compassion and understanding I didn't get as a child.

    The great part is I don't need to depend on anyone else to do it. It's within my power and I don't drain friends, etc. to do it.

    [–] I’m (27F) realizing how broken my family is and wondering if it’s valid to feel the way I do exscapegoat 2 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    Given what you've been through this is normal. Therapy may be helpful. Some places will charge a sliding scale (tied to your income).

    If grad school is essential to your career, apply to places away from home where you can also work/stay through breaks. That may help you get on your own quicker

    I'm sorry you went through this and am sending good thoughts for your healing.

    [–] Crappy aunt tries to convince me my dog's death is my fault (rant/pls give advice) exscapegoat 2 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    Honestly, the next time she tries something like this, I'd be tempted to reply:

    The good, like Rex and Uncle's horse die young. Going by that, are you immortal?

    Maybe not, but you can picture saying it to make yourself laugh why she's pulling this crap.

    Another tactic is to just respond, "can't talk about it Aunt, too painful" to cut off her narc supply

    [–] Was told this may be of interest here. Currently pregnant, had argument with sister, shit escalated. exscapegoat 3 points ago * (lasted edited 7 hours ago) in JUSTNOFAMILY

    I'm childfree and while I sometimes think "mama bear" is an excuse for bad behavior, that is NOT the case here. Even if you weren't pregnant, adults don't put hands on other adults without knowledge/consent. It's called assault.

    And it's FUBAR that your mother isn't more concerned with the daughter who:

    1. Got physical first

    2) Got physical with a pregnant person

    If you're not ready for NC, a time out until after the birth may be in order. You don't need to be around people willing to assault you and possibly cause harm to you and your unborn child. And people who are willing to imply you'll abuse your child. What's to stop them from false reports? You don't need the stress of this at all, let alone while pregnant and a new mother.

    If for some reason you still stay in contact with these aholes, next time mom or sis brings it up, "touch me (or she touches me again) and I'm calling the police. You're lucky I didn't then."

    It could also be PTSD if you were physically abused or witnessed others being abused. I grew up in that kind of environment and I don't like people I don't know well and trust in my personal space. I've never actually gone through and hit anyone, but I jump when startled and a few times, I've made a fist, but stopped myself before I hit anyone. It's your lizard, survival brain taking over. Mine prefers flight, but if that's cut off (path blocked or crowded), fight kicks in. And freeze is a normal response too. I usually don't get that, though sometimes I'll start crying if I'm hemmed in.

    In the universe laughs at me department, I work in and commute to Manhattan, not far from Times Square! My line of work is pretty much only in large urban areas, so moving elsewhere would just change the scenery. I'm looking for a less population dense area to retire to.

    [–] Advice Needed: Sister Ignores my Husband because of "PDA" exscapegoat 340 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    My sister told me when I left her home that if i left her house without first saying my husband was the problem that I would be "sealing my fate" with her.

    Considering all your husband is "guilty" of is hugging you in the presence of your family, this is completely unreasonable on her part. She's got some sort of irrational vendetta against him and she refuses to be an adult and use her words to discuss it. And your mother is enabling this?

    Your husband's reaction of being willing to go for coffee with her to discuss it is what sane, reasonable adults do.

    Given that your mother is accusing your H of trying to take you away from them, by any chance, was your family grooming you to be the elder caregiver or hoping you would be?

    [–] Impulse Control exscapegoat 2 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    Yes, my brother was the golden child. He's been arrested several times, served prison time, declared bankruptcy, relapsed from sobriety a few times and got divorced, but now seems back together with his wife. He also, last I heard, we're NC, had a hard time keeping a job. He seems to think he deserves a glamourous, prestigious, high paying job. With little to no effort on his part. My JustNOMother did him no favors. For his kids' sake I hope he got his act together. He was doing this stuff well into his 40s.

    [–] My mostly JYFIL blocked DH and I on FB and promoted himself to JNFIL exscapegoat 3 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    ,Don't add JNFIL back if you don't want to, sounds like too much drama. I get that you wanted to go visit them for your H's sake, but given they can't be bothered to leave their home or attend your wedding, why were you willing to make the effort? It sounds like you'd just be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. If only one party is willing to put in work and effort, nothing's going to change.

    For now, your H can go see his parents when he wants to, but you don't have to go. But you'll need to work out things like is he going to go on holidays like Christmas, if you celebrate and how much of your household budget will go to the trips. If it's doable financially, they should be paying every other trip since they are unwilling to travel

    It will get more complex when you have children, if you want them. Given SMIL's drinking and other drug use, no unsupervised access. Whether you go or not, staying a hotel and planning some activities out of the house for any kids is a good idea. A hotel and outside activities are a good idea if you go as well, kids or no kids.

    [–] I'm not worth marrying unless I'm pregnant, according to my JNParents exscapegoat 44 points ago * (lasted edited 10 hours ago) in JUSTNOFAMILY

    If you liked the last therapist you worked with, get back in touch with him or her. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

    I would suggest not telling them anything more about your wedding, such as the date, time or venue. If you're undecided about whether to invite them, that comment and his being a child molester are reason enough not to.

    [–] I'm overseas with my dad while he is causing drama and sending my mom death threats. exscapegoat 42 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    Safe travels. I think you are probably better off going to the authorities where you live vs. India. Give your brother a heads up. Has he made any of these threats via text or messenger?

    You're almost home and you have your husband with you, hang in there

    [–] "Nobody's perfect" and other bullshit lines exscapegoat 1 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    My justno mother, who died last year, was a fan of that phrase. Yes, no one is perfect. But normal, kind and compassionate people will work to address a situation. Normal, kind and compassionate people will apologize if they inadvertently say or do hurtful things.

    Aholes just try to project it onto you and act like you're expecting perfection. When all you want is basic human decency from them.

    [–] SIL wont get the hint *venting* exscapegoat 3 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    You're not the one who should feel bad here. She should feel bad for what she did to you and your family (you, h and child). He should feel bad for not wanting to protect his family (you, h and child) from this bat shit crazy monster.

    [–] Identical twin said some very hurtful things to me about my upcoming wedding, and she doesn't think she did anything wrong exscapegoat 1 points ago * (lasted edited a day ago) in JUSTNOFAMILY

    May cause more trouble than it's worth, but I'd be tempted to say, "and I want a mother who doesn't enable my sister's bad behavior" and then start singing the Rolling Stones' chorus, "can't always get what you want"

    You might also want to point out that you have changed from an elopement to a small destination wedding to accommodate your mother's wishes. And if your mother is going to enable your sister's drama, perhaps it is time to revisit the decision to elope.

    [–] Identical twin said some very hurtful things to me about my upcoming wedding, and she doesn't think she did anything wrong exscapegoat 2 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    If this was coming out of nowhere, then yes, talk it out. But based on her previous behavior, you really can't count on her for anything. And she's going to cause a lot of drama.

    You can either kick her out of the bridal paty or make her a Maid of Honor in name only if you don't want to rock the boat. Are your parents willing to pay for her dress and travel expenses?

    If so and you want to keep her as a MoH in name only, let her be a maid of honor, but don't expect anything from her

    If your parents can't or won't pay her expenses, sit her down and say you understand if it's too much and won't be hurt if she would prefer not to be your MoH. And she's welcome to attend as a guest if that would be more comfortable for her, but again, you won't be hurt if she chooses not to.

    A harsher option, if you think it's necessary, is to make the decision for her. I don't want to burden you with all of this and it's obviously making you unhappy. I'd love it if you could attend, but I'm not going to burden you with a bridal party role.

    [–] JNGrandpa And My Baby's Name exscapegoat 2 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    Ragers like that don't mellow, old age just makes it harder for them to express their rage and they get sneakier about it. My mother was one of the ragers in my family and I was her scapegoat.

    [–] SIL wont get the hint *venting* exscapegoat 2 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    Making abuse allegations is serious stuff. If I understand correctly, she tried to accuse you of abusing your child and your FIL. And trashed the house to make her accusations look more legit.

    The nephews talking about kidnapping are her kids correct?

    You and your child need to stay, far, far away from that shit show for your own safety. Safety trumps etiquette.

    And since FIL seems to be willing to lie to protect his precious princess, I would suggest very low contact and meeting in public places only.

    Fair doesn't even enter he equation here because of their egregious behavior.

    His shitty sister was unfair to him when she made the false accusations. The fall out from that is not your fault, you have to do what is necessary to protect your child and yourself.

    [–] SIL wont get the hint *venting* exscapegoat 2 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    You probably already know this, but the flying monkeys would have no problem with letting her see your child. Supervised access only and only if you're ok with it. Very low contact or no contact is ok too with the flying monkeys.

    [–] Very sad update exscapegoat 4 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    From a previous post, OP's mother has acted in a manipulative manner. My prediction is she will use the death to act out and be more manipulative. So I would add to your be gentle, a but keep your boundaries as you need them.

    [–] Very sad update exscapegoat 3 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    My condolences. When someone who is really toxic, but a person we still love dies, emotions can get very complex, grief, anger, relief. It's all normal and all ok to feel. Don't judge yourself for it or feel guilty. The people here get it, so reach out for support as often as you need or want to.

    It's likely your mother may ramp things up so be prepared for that.

    [–] Our save the dates have stirred the pot... exscapegoat 1 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    How did grandma react during his battle with his mother? If she wasn't supportive and she brings up his side again, he can also tell her it's a little too late for her to be worrying about it now

    [–] Our save the dates have stirred the pot... exscapegoat 1 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    I worked in a place where they would publish a schedule for the staff. One time we had someone out on Short Term Disability and they put STD near her name. Lots of "that sounds like a personal problem" jokes.

    [–] Update to Brother is against me exscapegoat 1 points ago in JUSTNOFAMILY

    I'm not doubting you, but if I had a job riding on the answer, I would confirm that with a doctor.