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    nvyetka

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    [–] Roommates [27M & 26M] and I [27F] are in a weird triangle, and I'm not sure how to navigate it nvyetka 1 points ago in relationships

    You can never be involved w anyone else while you share a room with your ex. This guy or anyone else . That just doesn’t work. It’s sucks to watch your ex date in front of your face and for the new person .., who would put up with that ?

    [–] My girlfriend's [22F] family owes a large sum of money and the lenders have been especially forceful recently. I don't have the means to help her with the debt until I graduate. She's considering borrowing from a guy who had feelings for her and made it clear that he is competing with me. nvyetka 1 points ago in relationships

    Do you intend to marry her / be with her long term ? if you are committed to combining your lives, then her financial decisions will affect you and vice versa.

    She is making her decision to keep you uninvolved as an independent woman, but if you are both in it for the long run, maybe it’s ok to start making joint decisions considering the health of your relationship. If she makes the decision independently of you and accepts his offer, your relationship may not survive.

    If you are committed to taking on her burdens and her taking on yours, and supporting each other for the long haul—- let her know this. Maybe she can accept your help because then — you are her family, you are her partner

    [–] My friend (24f) has been making racially weird comments to me (23f) for years and I don't know how end this nvyetka 4 points ago in relationships

    Interesting tho - as another Asian growing up in America I know how it was like to feel embarrassed and inferior that my food, clothes, culture, mom, tv, etc didn’t fit in to those of my mainstream peers. And yes, growing up out of it and eventually learning to accept myself and my culture

    But then would you call a self conscious teenager racist against her own people ? Maybe

    I agree your friend is out of line, but I wonder too if she needs time to learn to adjust . She may also have to learn to embrace the parts of her that are non mainstream (and make her special) , or she may remain ignorant and divided against herself

    [–] Can someone ELI5 the difference between salty, savory, and umami? nvyetka 1 points ago in BravoTopChef

    it also has a richness and saturated/satisfying sense - lingers on your tongue, velvety and slightly intoxicating

    [–] Windows 10 to take over 7GB of your hard drive so it can always update automatically nvyetka 1 points ago in technology

    Soo what’s it running now instead ? And is this something a typical shop cN help me with : cleaning up space or installing other systems ? I got a new 32g thinkpad bit it’s still running the programs I use quite slow.

    [–] Keep or change an internationally adopted toddler's name? nvyetka 4 points ago in Adoption

    I think it's complicated and our relationship to our identity keeps changing, which is why I support keeping connections to its multiple sides

    [–] Keep or change an internationally adopted toddler's name? nvyetka 10 points ago in Adoption

    i am an American-born Chinese with a simple American name which makes life in America easier, but it gives me a deeper sense of myself to know my Chinese name too. It's important to me to keep it as a part of me, whether or not i happen to use it in daily life. It has a meaning and weight, and I think about how it relates to me as I go through life.

    I have also found among other Asian-Americans (not only adoptees) that an American name is sometimes a form of self-erasure. When we were young, we wanted to fit in. But when we grew up we learned to appreciate the complex multifaceted parts of ourselves.

    i would keep his name in some form, whether in the first or middle name, or maybe as a easier-to-pronounce related name or nickname. My American name starts with a J- because my Chinese name starts with a J-sound.

    In any case I would definitely teaching him (and yourself) about his Vietnamese name. For example - the meaning of the words, the family name that it belongs too, how to pronounce and even write it.

    [–] Asking BF [29/M] to move to the heart of Louisiana with me [27/F]. Not sure how to approach this. nvyetka 2 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago) in relationships

    I’ve a family friend who is a family doctor in New Orleans (we live in a big NE city) because apparently doctors make a lot more there since it’s rarer . And also know of someone whose specialty is being a doctor for rural populations who don’t usually have as good access

    So there are potentially very good paths for a doctor there if he is interested .

    Plus isn’t there an Amtrak that goes down the Mississippi , linking practically all the way from Canada to Nola ?

    I don’t think it’s selfish to have this desire . If he loves you maybe he will love the place you come from too. you can start a conversation

    [–] A weird thing happened mid sex (30s m and f) nvyetka 1 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago) in relationships

    I have had this feeling... I always found it so impossible to put into words, but this is basically it I think. The disgust, the pit in the stomach, like a non physical deep subconscious recoil.

    Mine was likely correlated with sexual trauma. In the years after I used to get it a lot, often when I was having a really happy Intimate sweet time with friends, and suddenly it felt incredibly wrong and bad and I had to get away.

    It was the most horrible indescribable silent feeling and all I knew was I had to make it stop . The feeling of “disgust” I think is this reaction/feeling of needing to get immediately far away from ___something

    I haven’t felt it in a long time but it cropped up in a small moment a few weeks ago.

    It’s good to understand a bit of what it is, from this post and other comments. I guess it is related to being sexually vulnerable, the body’s memories of the boundary between violation and trust getting confused or blurred.

    [–] I [22F] have a lot of trouble controlling my anger and it’s causing issues in every aspect of my life. nvyetka 1 points ago in relationships

    I’m (28f) in therapy for anger (and other things) which has been an issue for also since I was a preteen. What I’ve learned : anger is a secondary reaction, usually my base feeling is fear or hurt , but it is expressed as anger because I cannot process those. Anger is for me a defensive or retaliative reaction.

    Ive also been reading about ptsd and overactive anxiety responses in people who have had traumatic pasts and difficulty regulating or soothing or when new issues arise . We are used to scary situations and our fight - flight reactions are at a precarious balance which is easily triggered. Small incidents reopen deep traumas.

    Therapy is teaching me about cbt-or related techniques of “slowing down” this immediate reaction of anger when something goes wrong . Techniques for acknowledging your experience and feelings but not being driven by them, more in control of your response when you feel more calm and less in a panic. For example, look up R.A.I.N. - Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Non-identify

    [–] Wife broke down crying at dinner table over ex-boyfriend nvyetka 12 points ago in relationships

    Being cheated on is a traumatic experience . A war veteran who gets triggered years after being in combat and deals with resurfacing negative emotions — you wouldn’t say “shouldn’t he be over that by now” or assume that it means he wants to go back to war.

    [–] Why do I automatically complain about people? nvyetka 2 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago) in DecidingToBeBetter

    just realized that the person i go to for therapy under my basic insurance is probably a social worker and not a psychologist. i go to an Institute for Mental Health and i assumed ?? She is helpful but sometimes I find goes too easy on me.

    thank you. i also looked up maladaptive feedback loop and it is .. incredibly enlightening. thank you for helping me take a step forward

    [–] Why do I automatically complain about people? nvyetka 3 points ago in DecidingToBeBetter

    i am stuck inside this loop.

    is there more info/reading/things i can do?

    [–] communication issue or psychological abuse? 28f/m nvyetka 1 points ago in relationships

    yeah, i guess that makes sense from the other pov

    from mine it felt that - we started a conversation and then he disappeared, i waited and texted again still no answer, and by 1.5 hours i was feeling pretty bad

    the rational calm voice is completely overtrodden by the above^ hyper sensitive nit picking anxious voice reading volumes into every detail of the interaction

    i suppose. fuck

    [–] It's too cold for salads now. What cold weather vegetable-heavy dishes can I make? nvyetka 2 points ago in EatCheapAndHealthy

    easiest veg ever:

    any leafy green (or .. most vegetables, shopped up to edible portions)

    saute in olive oil - garlic, the veg, salt

    til tender .