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    [–] relationship with aging post-abusive parents (early 60s, me 30) nvyetka 2 points ago in relationships

    Develop and cherish strong friendships, learn from people who are more emotionally balanced, since we grew up with a warped and missing emotional toolset. Don’t get lost searching for a romantic partner who can “make up” for all the love you missed out on. Not to say don’t date, but don’t transfer the desperate need for the absent parents love into unbalanced dependence on a lover. Don’t transfer it to other types of dependencies as substitute love either.

    Develop and cherish yourself, your curiosities, talents, weaknesses, and tender places. Don’t ignore them like your parents did. Pay attention to what lights you up, what makes you deeply happy, and take the risk of loving and taking care of those things.

    Acknowledge and validate the pain you’ve experienced. Even if you can learn to understand or forgive them, affirm that what happened was not normal or ok.

    This can help to establish a healthier baseline for normal. Therapy helped guide me in this regard.

    Then you can begin to take power back from your oppressors. You develop a strong sense of self, right/wrong, values, health, boundaries. You have a say over what can hurt you vs. what is just the impersonal cruelty of life being hard—It doesn’t hurt as much as personal intent-ional pain of emotional entanglement.

    I tried to reason with them for a long time. I refused to grow up until they could provide me the childhood. I waited for them to change. It didn’t work, and it drained me and kept me paralyzed. I was accepting their power over me, normalizing and internalizing their brokenness as my own.

    So my advice is to look to other places. The world is really full of beauty and love, and funny and strange things. You can love things that can love you back, in a way that creates reciprocal growth. Don’t learn from the broken things we’ve seen, Learn from love. Grow strong from it, then later you can come back and look at the difficult things without getting destroyed by them.

    [–] relationship with aging post-abusive parents (early 60s, me 30) nvyetka 1 points ago in relationships

    i totally loved orphan children’s stories as a kid! so relatable. Or maybe all kids feel like an orphan in a way, as they’re all starting off in a life ultimately alone. Ha

    Thanks for understanding

    [–] Netflix's "Otherhood" is the "13 Reasons Why" of toxic motherhood. nvyetka -2 points ago in movies

    the netflix autoplay trailer was disturbing. It shows the two white women and one black woman who are supposedly bffs, while the white women are loud and opinionated, the black woman doesnt have any lines at all for a long time (til one or two lines speaking to her son), just shot of her silent expressions, while the white women go on and on about whatever.


    [–] I (17F) find myself always getting extremely annoyed with my brother (21M) with Asperger’s syndrome, and I don’t know how to cope with the guilt I feel nvyetka 3 points ago * (lasted edited 24 days ago) in relationships

    Google “caretaker burnout”

    Even though you are only 17 and younger, you are a family and obviously care for him and a family takes care of each other.

    It is very real that caring for someone can take its toll. especially someone with health or other issues, who relies on you in some ways, and who you feel you have to be strong for and not show when you are getting tired or irritated. This dissonance between how you feel and how you think you should feel creates guilt.

    being a younger sibling and living in the same house can also make you feel like you have no option in this situation. Love turns into obligation, and can breed resentment.

    It is very understandable to feel worn out or annoyed sometimes. Being compassionate takes work.

    It is absolutely ok to feel however you feel. Instead of denying it, you can accept the realities of the situation and your totally valid feelings, Then you can figure out how to work with that.

    It helps to draw boundaries. Boundaries are good for establishing what is ok and what is not ok, or a temporal boundary establishing when something is ok and when it is not. As you live together obligation towards your brother may feel like a daily constant thing. You need solid breaks. Take certain days or blocks of time to be free of responsibilities toward your brother. If possible take a few days to yourself, spend the night at a friends house or do homework at the library or zone out in your room door closed with headphones on.

    afterwards you may feel more in touch with yourself, and have more patience and maybe even look forward to interacting with him. And you’ll be ready for it, rather than being thrust into the situation. Taking care of yourself actually makes you better at taking care of others.

    [–] Takes a second to understand, but wow nvyetka 19 points ago in specializedtools

    Can we get a subreddit focusing on these kinds of simple material intelligence? So sweet

    [–] I (44f) live with my partner (46m) but my child (15f) has admitted she doesn't like living here. nvyetka 13 points ago in relationships

    Truly. Ask her, or at least have a conversation. She’s too young to make a decision about where and how she lives, but very much a young adult who has her own opinions and feelings that should be taken into account.

    when you make decisions about what is better for her, without her input, you are treating her as a duty not a person. In staying with this guy, you uphold your duty to provide for her, but you are not sustaining a relationship with her as a whole person.

    If my mom had asked me if I’d rather be poor for a few years but for us to both be safe and happy, I’d choose it in a heartbeat over being financially stable and with a lifetime of anxiety and issues to deal with.

    You’re very right that she is at a vulnerable age.

    [–] I wanna stop being so negative and angry. nvyetka 1 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago) in DecidingToBeBetter

    i am typically not great at handling anger or such and it's been a rough couple of weeks on top of that. As each stressful event was attacking me, i was fighting back, which is in some kinda line with this idealism i have ... of having to even things out, to correct wrongs, to make things fair. this idealism of a "fair" world

    which leads me to experience "unfairness" as pain, as an attack against me, to which i feel righteous in retaliation or anger.

    The last stressful thing kind of broke me. I was out of fight.

    Then i thought about grace. to give more than the world deserves. which is, when the world feels like it's treating me unfairly, not to fight back but to love it anyway. it's another way to respond to situations that go wrong, not by evening them out but to choose a radical unevenness. When you're out of everything, but you still always got something.

    grace is some kind of excess. it's when something is funny. it's something out of nothing.

    we never deserved this, the shitty things that happen, but we also didn't deserve the beautiful things which is the way the world just loves us sometimes.

    [–] WTW for parents whose children have been murdered/died nvyetka 1 points ago in whatstheword

    some things to look into....

    -planting a memorial tree

    -Jizo Bosatsu, a divinity in Japanese Buddhism who protects children who have died before their parents.

    [–] China 'hopping mad' as 22 countries sign UN letter on Uighur Muslims nvyetka 1 points ago in worldnews

    Not the GOP in particular, but the US and other colonialist nations in general — is manuipulating banana republics in other countries, leading to destabilization and internal conflicts such as civil war in Guatemala death toll 200,000 - among so many others - better than literally harvesting organs? We’re destroying communities nations and yes literally bodies

    how can we hold our heads high or point fingers when we quietly orchestrate massacres for our own political or financial benefit?

    [–] I (30F) am starting to feel like my relationship with my friend (31F) is a neverending cycle of listening to her problems and having no room to discuss mine with her. Any advice on how to approach this with her? nvyetka 2 points ago in relationships

    I have a question. When I vent to a friend it is because I need to feel supported by someone who loves me. Support from a professional, While helpful, could never make me feel better through the emotional connection of friendship.

    Wondering where is the boundary of what you go to a friend for vs therapist.

    [–] My [21F] nieces [11F and 5F] are having a hard time adjusting to living with my mom [40s] nvyetka 2 points ago in relationships

    Especially as you have to leave for college- The best things the you can do in this time is to set up a good structure that will continue.

    You’re well positioned to be someone they can trust and relate to, and can guide them to long-term positive resources. You can work with them in getting used to therapy and healthy coping patterns, to create a stable foundation.

    [–] Everyone hates being sung happy birthday, and everyone hates singing happy birthday, so what the fuck are we doing here. nvyetka 1 points ago in Showerthoughts

    also does anyone actually like cake? feeble food coloring icing and lame spongey box cake?

    ice cream cake, maybe, but that's ice cream. pie is actually good on its own merit, not because it's somebody's birthday and you're supposed to Be Happy