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    totallynotabear

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    [–] I can't seem to truly believe or even convince myself I'm beautiful totallynotabear 14 points ago in beauty

    Exactly this. Physical beauty is just one of many possible positive traits that humans can have. I don't know how physical attractiveness became the most valued human trait. Obviously it plays a role in evolution and procreation, but not every person who is in a successful/happy relationship is good looking. You can live a wonderful, fulfilling life without being beautiful.

    [–] Coming up on 3 months without Andrew. But now he can be by my side every day for the rest of my life. totallynotabear 3 points ago in widowers

    Thank you! Yes, it's custom. I just posted the link below as well, but so you see it, it's https://www.studiodragonfly19.com/. The owner is amazing, communicative and very compassionate.

    [–] Is he mourning me too totallynotabear 9 points ago in widowers

    I talked to a medium and it was 100% bullshit. The person was recommended right here on r/widowers. I'm so glad you had a positive experience because my experience was a random woman stabbing in the dark for an hour. Hopefully there really are people out there who can talk to the "other side," but I wanted to offer the flip side to this experience for those considering. I wouldn't do it again personally.

    [–] How do you deal when someone you know survives something similar to what killed your spouse? totallynotabear 6 points ago in widowers

    People who survive brain cancer are medical miracles, and even if they do, a tumor will likely kill them in the future.

    That said, I actually do know a woman whose husband has no signs of brain cancer. They can never consider him "cured" because brain cancer always comes back. Still, they have a beautiful life and family together. I'm jealous. I want that.

    I know it's hard not to be bitter. It's not fair, but I'm sure your friend's sister is somebody's somebody, too.

    [–] Did you know we all secretly hate each other? totallynotabear 3 points ago in NotHowGirlsWork

    Nothing could be further from the truth, in my experience. I work in a 100% female office and this is the best job I've ever had. We're all friends. ZERO drama. ALL positivity. It's wonderful.

    [–] Mediums Again totallynotabear 2 points ago in widowers

    Just wanted to offer the flip side on this experience. I did a call with the same medium and found she was simply taking shots in the dark to "connect" to my loved one. She got 95% of it wrong and the things she did get right were very general and vague, and she made me fill in the gaps with a lot of her statements. There were no specifics.

    People should absolutely do whatever gives them comfort, but I would hate for anyone truly looking to connect with their loved one to have the same experience. Luckily I'm a skeptic and knew going in that it would more than likely be BS.

    I'm glad OP had a better experience than me. I do sometimes "feel" my late boyfriend's presence, but not in any way the medium presented.

    [–] Funeral rant totallynotabear 2 points ago in widowers

    Jesus, I'm so sorry you have to deal with these people and their bizarre and insensitive way of grieving. Just know that they can't take his memory away from you. They cannot take your grief. You knew him best. Honor him on your terms with the others who loved him as you do.

    [–] You ever feel homesick? totallynotabear 3 points ago in widowers

    Yes, totally. I used to tell him he felt like home. I noticed when things get quiet and I'm at our house alone, I get a very anticipatory feeling, like I'm waiting for him to come home. I'm completely homesick.

    [–] So tomorrow will be a week totallynotabear 3 points ago in widowers

    For me it's the opposite. I think everyone is different. Some people are early grievers and some are late grievers. I just crossed the 2 months threshold and the magnitude of the loss is really setting in.

    The first week was about planning the funeral, having overwhelming support, grieving together. After 2 months the check-in calls have slowed, I'm alone in my home and life is just so boring and directionless without him.

    Everyone has gone back to their normal but I'm left creating the new, shittier normal. I wish I could talk to him about it. He's the only person who ever REALLY listened.

    [–] I recently lost 40 pounds, so I got dolled up... totallynotabear 0 points ago in MakeupAddiction

    Congrats, and you look beautiful! I'm running out to grab that blush and lipstick ASAP.

    [–] Is that a three legged dog, oh no it's a widow totallynotabear 3 points ago in widowers

    I'm so sorry. I'm a young widow too, but not nearly as young as you. I fucking hate the pity. I hate the eyes people make at me. The "tsks" and "awws." Pity is cheap and comes easy. What you need is empathy.

    My first day back to work, I sent out a mass email saying "I'm ok with talking about it, but I'm also ok with not talking about it. If I were you, I wouldn't know what to say either. Thank you for those who have already expressed their condolences, but let's get back to work."

    It seemed to be effective. People don't know what to say, and the cliches they come up with don't change anything. Often it seems like they bring it up out of perceived obligation, even though they're also uncomfortable.

    The fact of the matter is that death sucks, losing your person HURTS, and there aren't any words that anyone can say to make it better. You can tell them that politely.

    [–] So many damn dates totallynotabear 2 points ago in widowers

    I get it. I'm so sorry. For me, today marks two months he's been gone. The end of every month is a reminder of how much farther he's slipping away from me.

    [–] coping with a lack of male attention/validation in your life? totallynotabear 3 points ago in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

    I know this isn't the core of the issue, but for immediate validation, I would seriously consider a dating app. I know you said you're not photogenic enough, but you might surprise yourself. Apps like Tinder only pair you with people who were also interested. You won't see the rejections.

    [–] Does anyone else relate to the feelings that using your favourite makeup/wearing favourite clothes and perfumes is pointless in lockdown? totallynotabear 31 points ago in beauty

    Same! With the exception of the first two days because it was a novelty, I've done my hair and makeup every day in quarantine. It makes me feel like myself. It's my normal routine. It keeps me on my normal schedule. And finally, I've definitely proven that I truly just do my makeup for ME. There are days where no one sees me, but I see me. Looking like myself makes me feel like myself.

    [–] I’ve been engaged to someone new, but he’s not him. totallynotabear 6 points ago in widowers

    Listen, I don't know you or your relationship with Seth, but I KNOW he would not want you to kill yourself. You have a whole life to live. Your story is not over, whether it's with this new guy or not.

    I know what it's like to be without your person. No one will ever replace him. It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to be ok, too. Whatever you're feeling is valid, and if you're truly not ready to be with someone else, don't.

    [–] We get the leaders we deserve. totallynotabear 3 points ago in media

    This is a completely false quote. With all of the stupid shit he says, there's really no need to make things up.

    [–] I heard an All Knowing Voice. So did my ex. totallynotabear 7 points ago in Glitch_in_the_Matrix

    I've experienced something similar, except the voice turned out to be wrong. Just saying it might not always be the all-knowing truth, and if you want your relationship to work out, you should work on it.

    We discovered my boyfriend of 10 years had a brain tumor. The day we were supposed to find out if it was cancerous or not, I heard a voice tell me "It's going to be good news!" But it wasn't. It was cancer, and he did die.

    In some ways, I think that voice kept me positive throughout the process of treatment and saying goodbye, but it also deluded me into thinking he could survive one of the most deadly cancers.

    I'm a naturally positive person, so I think it was really me telling myself that it's all going to be ok. Maybe this is YOUR truth, but it's not necessarily the all-knowing truth.